Job news!

(Okay, using too many exclamation marks these days. My bad.)


I am very excited and very nervous right now. Yesterday I accepted a job offer.

~~~
Aaaaaaand fast forward about five weeks. It's July 30th. I am in my third week of work at NewJob. Very happy with the job so far. Lots of work, and really, it's the complete opposite of what I said I wanted. It is full-time (and more), full-on, right in high-tech. Not part-time, less stress, etc. I didn't even apply to this job or company. They found me, I decided to find out more, went through a few rounds of interviews, and they made me an offer I couldn't turn down. The opportunity for growth in this job was irresistible to me. So I accepted.

We're also moving to a new city. NewJob is located too far from our current house. Mr. Chili is going to be able to work from home in NewCity, so we're good there. The amount of change happening for us right now is staggering. Right now I am living in corporate housing (a nice townhouse) with Pepperette. Monday to Friday, we do our thing - she goes to daycare, I go to work, in the evening we go house shopping and after she is asleep, I do all the lunch prep, dinner prep, laundry, work, etc. On Fridays, we head back to our suburban house and to LC and Mr. Chili.

Back at the homestead, Mr. Chili has been working to get our house ready to sell. Lots of work - had the interior of the house painted, new carpet, bathroom updates, decluttering, etc. In the meantime, Mr. Chili has also had lots of problems to solve at work, taking away from his time to do house stuff. Add to that that Mr. Chili also had to go to Europe for two weeks on a business trip and - hoo boy - do we have a lot goin' on.

Thank goodness for my mom & MIL. They have been tag-teaming to take care of LC during the week while Mr. Chili has been away. LC goes to summer camp during the day, so the moms only have to manage mornings, dinner and bedtime. We are very lucky to have a supportive family.

As for the job, I am very happy with it. There is a lot of energy, my job is very interesting, the project I'm managing is cool, etc. I have to be very conscious of my work/life boundaries, so that work doesn't spill over and take over. It's easy for me to get sucked in because of my personality. Fortunately, I have to pickup Pepperette around 5pm every day, and I'm on my own (with Mr. Chili still at the homestead), so I'm forced to leave my desk and focus on other things.

I am trying to really embrace all this change. To tolerate the chaos and even thrive in it. By the beginning of September, we will all be living in the same town, Pepperette in daycare, LC at his new Montessori school, Mr. Chili working at home and me at my NewJob. We're close to buying a house in NewCity too. (And man, do I have some good house stories. People are just strange sometimes.)

It won't be a month again. Promise! I'll be back in a week or less.

Hail!

Wow. What a hail storm we had today.

I was nursing Pepperette for the umpteenth time (she is getting over a stomach virus). The sky got dark and it started to rain. Suddenly it got really, really loud. I ran downstairs and took some pictures and video. I wanted to capture the noise of the hail. I even grabbed a few hail stones and put them in the freezer for LC to examine when he got home from school. It wasn't golf ball sized hail as reported in some areas, but I'd say it was 2.5cm. The funny thing is that we were talking about weather, specifically hail, this past weekend. I said it had been a long time since I had seen hail. I didn't realize I was putting in a request. Amazingly, Pepperette slept through the whole thing.

Front yard covered in hail stones

One shredded Hosta

The Hosta that survived (sheltered by the garage)

Unfortunately the house and car were damaged. The siding in the front and side of the house look like someone took a ball-peen hammer to them. The roof of our car looks the same. The trim on the front of the house is damaged too. Ugh. I'll have to call the insurance company tomorrow.

More proof that motherhood has changed me

This morning was not. fun. It was the kind of morning that would have left me in an extremely bad mood in my former life, before I was a mom. But this morning? I shrugged my shoulders and kept moving. And after I dropped the kids off? I breathed a sigh of relief. I am actually pretty cheerful right now. Shocking.


So what happened? We all slept in. (Good - mmmm sleep. Bad - everyone is late.) LC was in a good mood for about five nanoseconds, then he was a total PITA*. It was a battle to get LC dressed, Pepperette was in a great mood but took forever to eat her breakfast. Oh, and how could I forget - LC had a (thankfully rare) accident this morning and peed through his pjs, the sheets, the waterproof pad, duvet and duvet cover. The only dry things? The pillows. Oh boy - more laundry! And it was garbage/recycling day, so there was the usual scramble to get the kids out of the house and getting the garbage out before the truck came. (Damn them and their variable schedule! One week they don't come until after lunch, the next week they come at 0800.)


Like I said, now it's mid-day. The house is quiet and I am working on my job search. Or writing blog entries. *ahem*


*PITA = Pain In The Ass. It's a great acronym. We love PITA bread around here. I wonder how long til the kids catch on...

This article? It describes my life.

I've written before about my desire to find a job that allows me for better work/life balance. How I don't want to work 50-60 hours a week every week. How I love being a PMP and P.Eng, but how hard it is to work in high-tech and be the kind of mom I want to be.

So I shouldn't have been surprised to read this article. It talks about how women between the ages of 35-40 (check) are leaving science/engineering/technology jobs in record numbers, despite the fact that they are getting outstanding performance reviews (double check) and love their jobs (triple check). Why? Because many of them are also moms and they are tired of working crazy hours. They are also tired of the "wearying atmosphere of sexism" (quadruple check). Oh yes, how I can relate. In my work years, I have put up with all sorts of sexist crap, none of which I did anything about. I'm not proud of the fact that I let it slide, but it felt like the only choice. Did I want to be blacklisted? No. So I shut up, laughed it off and got my work done.

I don't know whether to feel validated or sad that this is a common problem. I think the quote that summed it up for me is this, "The workplace culture is like a time warp," says Dr. Sherbin, director of research at the Center for Work-Life Policy. "It's 20 to 30 years behind other workplaces."

How true.

New look

Finally changed my blog template. I hated the light font on dark background. I realized how user-unfriendly it was. So here is a new and sadly, generic, look. I also still can't get my flipping blogroll to show up.

Ah well, at least one thing is improved.

Back to normal

Overall, things are pretty good right now. My thrush flare-up has subsided. The culprit? I eliminated a spelt bread made from sprouted grains (as opposed to yeast). I was able to tolerate it before, but I guess Pepperette and I ate too much of it. That and other mystery factors that I just cannot figure out. Hormones? I dunno. It took both of us stopping eating the bread, eating lots of unsweetened 6% milk fat unsweetened yogurt, and about a week for the pain to subside. I'm back to "only sore occasionally", which is a blessed relief after the intensity of the pain. I won't even get into how f'n frustrating the constant flare-ups are.


Pepperette is still *this close* to walking. A few days ago she started free standing. She stands there, wavering, looking like a surfer hanging on for dear life. And then boom!, she loses it and either falls on her bum or catches herself with her hands. It is way cute.


LC started his second season of soccer and he had a pretty good time the first week. The second week? Not so much. He only played for about 1 minute, then he tripped and that derailed the rest of the game. He sat on the sidelines with his team and refused all attempts to get him back on the field. *sigh* I hope next week is better. I'm not having crazy expectations - all I want is him to run around, chase the ball, listen and have fun.


The job search is progressing. I think. I had a phone interview this week, which went well and I'm hoping to get an in-person interview next. I also completed a pre-screening interview and am waiting to hear if I'm going to get an interview for that. Then there are a couple of other things in the works. Gah. I just hope that something happens soon.


I met an old friend today for tea. We were best friends through high school and university, but started to drift apart a few years after uni. Then we completely lost touch for a few years. I had tormented myself with guilt that I sucked at friendship and that it was my fault. But I was too chicken to pick up the damn phone, so I just kept shoving the guilt away when it resurfaced. Then by fluke, I ran into her about a month ago after a race. We talked and it was great. I phoned her a couple of days later and we talked some more. Today we met for tea and chatted some more. I know that we are unlikely to be bestest friends again - we live too far apart, have completely different lifestyles, etc. But we are friends again. And I will do my part to keep it going this time. It feels good in a way I can't articulate to be talking to her again.


Last week I finally phoned another old friend from high school. She has been calling me for a *embarrassed cough* year. And I never called her back. I can't fully explain why. Other than the generic "I suck". (And I am so good at putting myself down. I've made it into an art. An art that I am trying to STOP PRACTICING.) The longer I let something go, the worse I feel, and the harder it is for me to make myself fix it. All I had to do is call her. She is a wonderful, forgiving person. So I finally did. And we talked for over an hour. I don't know when I'll see her again, but dammit, we have reconnected again. And that too feels good.


So we're doing pretty well here. Other relatives? Not doing as well. I am struggling to figure out how to help and support our loved ones. Because:

• my sister is having a partial knee replacement this week. She will be in the hospital for a few days, then recuperating at home for a few weeks. And my mom won't be here. She has unbreakable plans. So I feel a double obligation to help my sister - run errands, take her food, etc. She has a wonderful husband and son, and they are capable, but I want to (need to) help. She lives an hour away from me.
• my stepmother started chemo this week. She is handling it well so far, but it is a tough treatment. She lives an hour away, same town as my sister.
• my MIL is having a major recurrence of inflammatory arthritis. She feels really poorly and is having other (unbloggable) problems. And she lives an hour and a half away, north of us.

Add to this the fact that Mr. Chili is going on another business trip, this time to the U.S. for a week. I feel relief that the trip is only a week, akin to how I imagine it feels to go from slamming my face into a door, versus closing said door on my foot. Boy, closing the door on my foot feels so much less painful.

Somehow I will manage to keep our house in order, find a job, take a care package to my sister and stepmom and gah, I don't know what else.

Mostly good, some not.

It's hard to believe that Mr. Chili came home over a week ago. It is so good to have him home again. And not just because he does stuff and helps. I really missed his company, his good sense, his hugs. (I'd say I missed sex, but I'd be lying. It has been a ridiculous length of time since we last had sex. We both want to, in an abstract, wouldn't-it-be-nice kind of way. But man, by the time the kids are asleep and the hockey game is over and I'm finished with blogging or job searching...well, it just doesn't happen.) We don't connect much these days. I'm finding it tough to maintain our husband-wife relationship while parenting these two kids. We've got to work harder at it.

We've had a few lovely family moments since Mr. Chili came home.

Last Wednesday we all went for a walk in the light rain. Mr. Chili had Pepperette in the backpack carrier covering them both with a large golf umbrella, I had Cosmo (our dog) on leash with an umbrella, and LC skipped on ahead carrying his own perfectly size yellow umbrella. We only went around the block, and there was some whining (from LC), but it was still wonderful. A sweet moment of togetherness.

Yesterday afternoon, we just relaxed and hung out in the front yard. LC played with the girl across the street, Pepperette rode up and down the sidewalk on a hand-me-down riding caterpillar, and Mr. Chili our neighbour and I stood around chatting. It was a gorgeous day. It was a cliched slice of suburban life, I suppose. But it is my cliche and it was wonderful.

Pepperette has been doing all sorts of new things - she can climb the stairs likety-split now. She is very close to walking, which is so much fun to watch. She consistently nods her head for yes and shakes it side to side for no. She is very good at communicating what she wants at mealtime. She doesn't have any teeth yet - almost 15 months old and no teeth. At what point does one start to worry about that? She doesn't really have any distinct words or even sounds that we can associate with objects. A bit of babbling, but that is it. No worries, she's doing just fine.

We're all adjusting to life without Boomer. I really miss him. I constantly see him out of the corner of my eye. I am more confident now that I did the right thing by having him euthanized. We've given away all the cat food and cat litter. It will be a while before we get another pet, I think.

And finally, I am having the worst thrush flareup since last summer. Since I started this diet. I can't figure out what set it off, why it is so severe and how to make it stop. It's okay on the left side, severe on the right. To the point that when I latch Pepperette on the right side I have to bite really hard on my finger so that I don't yell out loud. Having pain somewhere else helps offset the pain in my nipple. My neck and shoulder are wrecked because of the tension everytime she nurses. The only thing I can think that is causing the continued flareup - and I've been dealing with this severity for over a week now - it the spelt bread we were both eating. We ate a lot of it over the time Mr. Chili was gone. It's a sprouted bread, as in non-yeast. It is supposed to be safe for anti-candida diets. I wonder if we just ate too much. I eliminated it from my diet, but it's about the only thing Pepperette will eat for breakfast these days, so she is still eating it. I'm going to eliminate it completely from both our diets and hope that it helps. I am so fucking sick of this.

I am sick of the constant restrictions on what I can and cannot eat. I am tired of trying to introduce new things and getting slammed by a flareup. I am tired of following the restrictions exactly and still having flareups. Whine, whine, whine.

"Why don't you wean Pepperette?" you might ask. Good question. I have thought about it, but never seriously considered it. No, I am not a martyr or a masochist. However, breastfeeding is a really important part of how I want to parent my kids. Also, I nursed LC until he self-weaned at 2.5. I want to offer Pepperette the same opportunity - to nurse until she is ready to stop. Also, I don't know how I would handle early weaning. Not well, I suspect.

For now, I will carry on. Dreading the next nursing session for the pain. Frustrated with the restrictions. Hoping that this will all be worth it.

I love Fridays!

Especially this Friday. Because tomorrow Mr. Chili comes home from overseas, from what felt like the longest business trip ever, but was in fact, two weeks long.



We have (nearly) survived. The kids have dealt with his absence remarkably well, and I am still upright. I am exhausted because neither kid has slept well since daddy left. That and managing the household and job searching and parenting is a lot for one person to do. Oh, and all the crises that happened...



In no particular order, please allow me to whine about the crap that has happened over the past two weeks:

• Aunt Janet died. Couldn't go to the funeral - was not going to attempt to drive to Michigan with two kids by myself


• Boomer died. He was euthanized at the vets. (I hate the expression "put to sleep".) Worse, I had to make the decision myself. One of the hardest things I've ever done.


• The washing machine died. Seriously? Seriously. There is nothing quiet like taking your washing machine apart at midnight, after the kids are asleep and lunches are made, in an effort to a) determine if the machine can be repaired and b) save yourself $100 to hear that it can't be fixed. The answer? Not worth repairing. My 7.5 year old piece of shit Frigidaire (I will post the model number later) is dead. So, hey, sure, let's spend a thousand dollars we don't have on a new machine. 'Cause spending money is awesome when you're unemployed! Oh, and as an added bonus? You get to waste time at the laundromat washing loads of clothes! And there is the joy of shopping for a new washing machine with two small children and the challenge of trying to have a discussion with a salesperson.


• New washing machines are very expensive. The best option - as in cheapest well-reviewed machine by Consumer's Reports is a) a Frigidaire (see bullet above for how much I love them) and b) is not cheap. $1000+ later, we are going to have a new LG machine.


• My wedding present from Mr. Chili - a lovely Australian opal on a white gold chain - broke. Snapped after it got caught on something. I hope it can be fixed, but I was very sad.
• My job search was pretty much non-existant for the past two weeks. I am feeling stressed over how little progress I have made towards finding gainful (paid) employment.

Should I be worried that #2, 3, 4 were all acquired around the same time? What's next? All our appliances, the dog and my marriage were all acquired/started 7.5-ish years ago. Or is that three things and we're done? I have no idea. I'm feeling slightly hysterical. And only kind of joking. I mean, I've heard of the 7 year itch, but this is getting ridiculous.

Putting it all in perspective, when I write it down, it doesn't seem that bad. For all these bad things that happened, everything else went okay. I had a lot of help from my mom & stepfather as well as my MIL. We went to a friend's house for dinner/playdate one night and one night we had another friend & kids over for dinner/playdate. I took the kids to the zoo for a member's only preview of Stringray Bay. LC was pretty stoked about touching a real live stringray. We visited my mom a couple of times. I took lots of pictures for Mr. Chili and put them on a web album so he could see what we were up to. Which was fun for me, using the camera more, taking pictures way more often than I normally would.

Not to be all cliched or anything, but Mr. Chili's absence has made me stretch and grow. I had to figure out how to put both kids to bed when I was alone. I had to figure out how to get things done. I found my groove as a single mom. I don't want to continue, thankyouverymuch, but I know that I can do it.

Random notes related to the death of a pet

Book recommendations for a child who's pet has died:

1. "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney " by Judith Viorst


2. "When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death" by Laurie Krasny Brown (Author), Marc Brown (Illustrator)


3. "Let's Talk About When Your Pet Dies" by Marianne Johnston

The Tenth Good Thing is really good. To be honest, I sat in the library reading these books, crying. They all made me sad. I think the tears are cathartic.

The experience:

I had cuddled with Boomer before we left for the vet. I just held him and talked to him and apologized. He purred a bit, but mostly just laid in my arms, allowing me to pet him behind his ears and under his chin. I was second guessing myself all over the place, so I put him on the floor to see if he could walk - maybe he was rallying - instead, he walked right into his crate. He has never done that. I usually have to shoe-horn him in. I don't know why he walked in. I'd like to believe he knew what we were going to do and that he was ready to end his suffering. But I'm to rational to really believe that.

The vet examined him before placing the catheter in this leg that would deliver the fatal dose of anesthetic. She said she found a mass on his bladder, and theorized that the cancer that shut down his kidneys had spread. She also said his heart was beating really fast, which is typical of end-stage kidney failure. She was so compassionate and caring, reassuring me that we did everything to keep him comfortable, and that he would have suffered if we had kept him alive. It was still the hardest thing I've ever done.

She laid him down on a towel on the examining table. I held his head and talked him, telling him that he was a great cat. When I was ready (are you ever ready?) she injected the anesthetic. He started a bit at the cold of it, made this peculiar growling noise and within seconds I felt him die. He just stopped breathing and his head slowly came down onto the towel. He was so still. His eyes remained open, which was a little freaky, to be honest. At first I didn't want to touch him. It wasn't Boomer anymore, but a body. I did pet him a little longer and said my goodbyes. The vet said to take as much time as I needed to say goodbye. And I thought, get me out of here. I don't want to spend time with a dead cat. But when it came time to leave the room- to leave him behind - it was so hard.

I still can't believe how fast it happened. He really didn't suffer at the end. I tell myself that I did the merciful thing. It still feels like I was trying to play god.

LC's reaction:

After we've been home for an hour or so. Me: "Have you noticed anyone missing?"

"No." puzzled face, thinking.

"Boomer isn't here."

"Where is he?"

"He's dead, honey."

Pause. "Why?"

"He had a disease called cancer. It made him really sick. Eventually his heart stopped working."

And it went on from there. LC cried when I told him, but it sounded to me like that fake crying he does so well. No real tears behind it. After the bit of crying, he asked me if we could get a new pet. Wow. Didn't wait long there! I told him mommy and daddy needed time to be sad about Boomer, then we would talk about it.

Since then he has randomly commented that he is sad Boomer is dead. I printed off two pictures of Boomer from healthier, happier days (including the picture in this post) and asked him if he wanted to take them to school. He did. First thing he did this morning when we walked into the schoolyard was run up to two of his friends and tell them Boomer died. The two little boys he told nodded solemnly, then the three of them ran off to play. I'm relieved and glad that LC seems to be taking the news well. Although I fully expect this to play out in stages as he absorbs and adjusts.

Is it morbid of me to believe that this truly is a character building experience for LC? Dealing with the death of a pet is not fun, but it helps you know what it's like when someone you love dies. So maybe when a grandparent or aunt or uncle dies later, he'll have some of the tools for coping. I don't know. I'm really just making this up as I go along.

Bye Boomer

RIP Boomer

2000-2008

Beloved pet of Chili, Mr. Chili, LC and Pepperette. Favourite chew toy of Cosmo the dog. Boomer was a funny and affectionate cat with a loud meow that bordered on a siamese yowl. He loved to sleep with Chili and Mr. Chili, although in later years like to sleep on LC's bed too. His favourite chin? Mr. Chili's. Why he liked to lick Mr. Chili's chin so much remains a mystery. Boomer enjoyed tormenting Cosmo by walking over to him when the later was napping and taking a swipe at him. Started way more fights with Cosmo that Cosmo did with him. Boomer never did figure out that Cosmo was way bigger than him and was always going to win. Boomer was incredibly tolerant of the kids. He didn't mind being mauled by kids, although he did reserve the right to bolt when he'd had enough.

Died peacefully at the vets office after a short battle with kidney cancer.

We'll miss you.

Moments of heartbreak

This morning LC said, "Mommy? I wish I had a lucky pebble because if you have a lucky pebble you can make a wish."

"Uh huh," wondering what LC would wish for.

"If I had a lucky pebble I would wish Boomer better."

"Oh sweetie. That is so nice. I wish you could."

I'm taking Boomer to the vet at 2:20pm today. I cried as I booked the appointment and she walked me through the procedure. Then I went to the library to find books for kids about dying pets. A helpful librarian found a few good books, including a very good one about a girl's cat who dies. I sat there reading books and crying. I'm really worried that LC is going to be mad because he didn't get to say goodbye. He did see Boomer this morning and talked to him for a minute and petted him. But I didn't know for sure that today was Boomer's last day. And I'm a wimp.

A couple of months ago, before we knew how sick Boomer was, we were admonishing LC to be gentle with Boomer, since he had lost weight and appeared to be getting a little frail. LC cheerfully observed, "Boomer keeps getting smaller and smaller. Soon he's going to be a kitten!"

Oh honey. If only it worked that way.

I'm not God

Our cat, Boomer, has been sick for a few months. It started with him losing a bit of weight, and then we realized he wasn't eating very much. A few visits to the vet and some hundreds of dollars later, we found out that Boomer is dying. Cancer likely, definitely kidney failure. We'll never know the exact cause, just that he's wasting away before our eyes. He used to weigh 12 lbs, now he weighs 5. It's shocking how frail and thin he is. He looks like a fourteen year old cat, not a 7.5 year old.

For the past month of so, we've been giving him subcutaneous fluids to help keep him hydrated, to make him more comfortable. It's been working pretty well. He starts eating a little more and drinking a little more. The vet showed me how to do the injections myself and I did for a while. But then Boomer really started to fight it, and his skin is so fragile that the needle would go right through. I gave up, feeling that I was causing more trauma than benefit and resumed having the vet give the subq fluids.

Up until the past few days, he's still had that Boomer spirit. Loving, feisty, always wanting a good cuddle. When Mr. Chili left for his overseas trip on May 3rd, and we never dreamed that the end was so near. On Sunday I cleaned out his litter box. There were but three small lumps of pee and one tiny lump of poo. From almost a week. Not good. On Monday (yesterday), Boomer was having trouble walking. He looked up at me, lost his balance and fell over. He had just one lick of wet cat food. I thought he had been eating some food daily. It turns out the asshole dog* was eating the food when I wasn't looking.** On Tuesday (today), Boomer became incontinent - he's peed tiny pees all over the house, despite the fact that I've carried him to his litter box many times.

He spends pretty much all of his time crouched down like he's uncomfortable. He doesn't curl up to sleep anymore, just hunkers down near us. He just walked into the office where I am writing this and peed on the carpet right next to me. I think this is an indicator of how miserable he is feeling. I am really struggling with the decision. People have said to me, "You'll know when the time is right." But what is happening is that I know he's suffering, that I'm tired of cleaning up accidents and worrying. And I wonder if I put him down, will it be to end his suffering or mine? How selfish am I, to euthanize a cat because I am tired of cleaning up. Then I think that he really is suffering. That he can hardly walk today, his back legs wobble and he loses his balance.

I called Mr. Chili late tonight my time, at the start of his day. I had to tell him where things are. And that I am going to call the vet on Wednesday morning to make an appointment to - what do I say? - put him down. Euthanize him. What I'm really doing is ending his life. Killing him. I was worried that Mr. Chili was going to be mad/upset at me. But he understands that Boomer is miserable and it needs to end.

I've never done this before. I know he's "only a cat". But he is my first cat. And this is very hard.

* Okay, the dog isn't an asshole. He took advantage of the conveniently placed chair, intended to help the cat, who can't jump anymore.
** I was so mad at myself for deluding myself into thinking that Boomer was eating again. Self-delusion much?

He's cute when I don't want to strangle him

LC stumbles out of his bedroom after midnight.

"What is it?"

Standing there, rubbing his eyes with one hand, the other holding his penis. "I have to wash my hands."

Hmmm. "Maybe you need to go potty."

"Okay"

Mission accomplished. Back in his bedroom, I tuck him in. He asks me to rub his back and is asleep in seconds. And I am filled with love as I lean over and kiss his tousled hair. I remind myself to hold onto this moment now, for tomorrow there will undoubtedly be moments where I want to strangle him feel very frustrated.

Aunt Janet

It's been one heckuva week, almost two, since Mr. Chili left on his overseas business trip. The kids have generally been great. I was especially worred about how LC would handle Mr. Chili's absence, but he has handled it with grace. Thank goodness.

In the meantime, it feels like everything else is falling apart. I am exaggerating, of course. But it's getting ridiculous. Details on some of the crap in a separate post. The thing that sucked most about the past week was that my Aunt Janet died. Technically she was my Great Aunt, given that she is my grandfather's baby sister. But to me she was always just Aunt Janet.

I know that dying in your sleep at age 88 is hardly tragic, but it is sad just the same. And hard on my grandfather. Now he just has one sister left. And Janet was the baby, making it harder to accept.

She was:

• wife of Dick for 62 years
• a mom of three
• a grandmother of eight
• foster mom to 33 babies
• an artist
• baby sister to my grandpa
• my Sunday dinner companion for a few months when I lived in Michigan

I really wanted to attend the funeral. At the same time, I didn't think it was realistic for me to drive five hours each way with two kids by myself. If Mr. Chili was here, I probably would have taken just Pepperette and driven with my parents. I settled for sending a sympathy card for Uncle Dick. I can't imagine how it feels to lose your beloved spouse after 62 years of marriage.

Makes me sad. But I know she had a good, full life.

That's about right

As seen at Andrea's. I always mean to do these quizzes and never do. The assessment? Pretty accurate. I would classify myself as a realist tending towards pessimism.

You Are a Realist

You don't see the glass as half empty or half full. You see what's exactly in the glass. You never try to make a bad situation seem better than it is... But you also never sabotage any good things you have going on. You are brutally honest in your assessments of situations - and this always seems to help you cope.

Are You An Optimist or Pessimist?

re: Job search

The interview I had two weeks ago? The one that went well? That I talked about here? I guess it didn't go as well as I thought. I didn't get the job.

On the plus side, they did not keep me hanging for ages. And the manager offered to debrief me, which is nice of him. I know it would have been just too easy if I had gotten the first job I interviewed for. But it would have been nice.

The same day as that FOAD*, I also found out I didn't even make it to the interview round for another position I applied for. Two FOADs in one day. Go me!

I really, really need to get more stuff in the pipeline. I have no active applications out there right now. I have one posting I'm going to apply for tomorrow. Other than that? Nada. I am not going to find a job if I don't freaking look for one. And I am trying. I am networking. But obviously not hard enough.

* A term from my undergrad days. FOAD as in Fuck Off And Die. As in, you didn't get the interview/job/etc. Most of us amassed a collection of these suckers during our last year.

Pepperette cuteness

I have independent verification of this one. Pepperette has started nodding her head to communicate "yes". She's pretty good at telling us what she does and does not want to eat by reaching and "aaaaahing". Then a few days ago, after she indicated she wanted another oatcake, I asked her if she wanted it and she nodded. It is so cute to see her nodding yes. I thought I was projecting or imagining it the first time, but tonight my stepfather observed and agreed that yes, she is nodding her head.

Second moment of cuteness: in the bath tonight, Pepperette was grinning like a loon, splashing around and having a grand old time, per usual. Next thing I know, she's right by the drain plug, tugging on the handle. And pop, out it comes. She was pretty thrilled by the action, the water draining out didn't phase her one bit. I laughed and put the plug back in. I reached for the shampoo, look back and yank!, she's done it again. Little bugger. I put the plug back in, move her to the far end of the bath tub and watch as she makes a beeline back to the drain. Aaaargh! It was funny and frustrating at the same time. I managed to distract her and finished the bath quickly. She's getting pretty strong and pretty coordinated.

(So it's totally cute in real life. In the blog? It is pretty boring. I think that's why I don't post often. I can never get those real life moments written with any life. My prose sucks.)

feeling low

Today has not been a good day. I know that I am a pessimist, a glass-half-full kind of person. And I know that I'm feeling this bad because of a convergence - no, wait - an accumulation of events. Regardless of how I got here, I am struggling today with feelings of frustration, wanting to cry, feeling sad, feeling weary and simply not having the patience to deal with my abnormally cranky daughter.

I found out yesterday that a very dear friend lost her baby. She was finally experiencing a normal pregnancy. They had seen the heartbeat. She went for a twelve week ultrasound on Monday and found out the baby was dead. I don't know whether she will have a d&c or miscarry "naturally". That is just one more painful decision for her. This is her fifth miscarriage. It is so fucking unfair. No one should have to suffer like that. I'm so sad for her.

I also found out that I did nor get the job I interviewed for last week. It was a good role for me in many ways. The interview went very well. I am disappointed. It is hard for me not to take it personally, not to feel rejected. I do. And dammit, I need to find paid employment soon. Our savings isn't going to cover us much longer.

Add to this the fact that Pepperette had a bad night, moaning, crying and nursing pretty much all night. Which means that I didn't get much sleep. Then there is the stress and denial that I am careening betwen as Mr. Chili prepares to leave on Saturday for a business trip. A two week long trip, on another continent. I will be a single mom for two weeks, including two weekends. I have no idea how I'm going to survive.

I haven't felt this down, this anxious, for a long time. I hate it. I have to get some sleep. But when I feel like this I tend to stay up even later because I don't want to face reality, preferring to lose myself in the computer or a book. I'll just catch up on one more blog. One more. And so it goes until Pepperette wakes up crying at 1 am, wanting to nurse. Only then do I go to bed. But lately I can't sleep while she is nursing. It's too painful. So I get cranky and frustrated with the epic nursing sessions.

Got to go. Pepperette is out of patience. I will be back. Blogging is going to keep me same during the next two weeks.

Who me?

I have a blog? Oh yeah. *ahem*

Thanks to a friend who gave me a virtual kick in the pants, here is a brief update from the land of Pepper.

Life's been a little busy. The job hunt is going well. Meaning that:

• I got a lot out of the career counselling


• my resume is ready to go


• I'm networking like crazy - reconnecting with former colleagues, old friends, etc.,


• I've applied to a couple of things


• I've had one interview and it went well

I'm cramming the job hunt into the three precious days where both kids are in school/daycare. I do the rest of the job search stuff late at night. Who knew that looking for a job takes so much time? It really does. Especially if you're seeking something rare and elusive. What is so special about my quest? I'm looking for a project management role that only requires about 30 hours/week. I was in telecom, and in telecom full-time doesn't mean 40 hours/week, it means 50-60 hours/week. And I just can't (won't) work like that with two young kids. All those cliches that I used to roll my eyes at - stuff like "they're only young once" or "you won't wish you'd worked more hours when you're older" - those cliches are true. I don't want to miss this time in my kid's lives. At the same time, I really like being a project manager and electrical engineer (PMP and P.Eng, thankyouverymuch). I need to use the professional part of my brain as well as the mom part of my brain in order to stay sane.

So finding a job isn't as quick as it should be. I am targeting the public sector (i.e. Ontario government), financial sector (banks, insurance) and smaller local companies. I'm quite willing to make a lesser wage so that I can have more time with my kids.

It's hard, swimming upstream like this. I'm trying to straddle the space between being a work-away-from-home mom and a stay-at-home mom. My SAHM friends think I'm nuts. My professional friends think that I don't care about my career anymore. But hey, I have to try to find the right job because it's the right thing for me & my family. Besides, I've always enjoyed being different. I don't like to do things the easy way.

In an effort to retain some quasi-anonymity, I'm not going to post my resume or other info here. (Plus there's the fact that no one reads this thing because I am so bad at updating!)

So there you go. The job search continues.

My inner voice

I've attended a series of seminars courtesy of the career counselling program that was part of my severance package. Most of them are very job search focused:

• career assessment (which included the very interesting Birkman First Look survey)
• self-marketing and networking (hard to do, but very necessary for finding a job)
• resume building
• interviewing and negotiating strategies
• becoming an entrepreneur
• consulting and contracting - pros & cons

Today I attended an "enrichment" session. It was titled "Job search communication and conversation", but really, it was about how we talk to ourselves and can sabotage ourselves. Duh, right? Yes, I knew this stuff. Becoming more conscious of some of the crappy things I do to myself? Very worthwhile. I sometimes really think I could use some therapy.

Ego states

I learned about Eric Berne's theories about the ego states. That we each have within ourselves a parent, adult and child state. I would go on, but I think it is better said here and here. The first link has a great illustration of the states and how we transition from one to another. The second has a lot of info and is a bit dry. Apparently this is called "transactional analysis. It's neat stuff and gave me insight for my own head and also why I have so much trouble communicating with my 4.5 year old.

My inner critic

We all have a little voice in our heads. It warns us when something is a bad idea, it encourages us when we're scared, it tells us we're a fuck-up.... I was aware of mine, but after today's session I am much more aware of how much power I give my inner voice and how much I let it affect what I do. We talked about liberating your inner voice - not killing it, that won't happen. But engaging that voice, embracing it, talking to it. Yeah, it all sounds touch-feely and out there. I know. At the same time? I know my inner voice is brutal to me.

As an exercise, the instructor had us write about our inner voice and how it's affecting our job search. Here is what I wrote.

Q: With respect to your job search, what are the two most common messages your inner critic give you?

A1: No one will want to hire me part-time. Why should I get special treatment?

A2: I do not have any special skills or unique characteristics. I'm just an ordinary, average person. No one is going to want to hire me (for the kind of position and salary I want).

Q: How is the inner critic helpful, hurtful, frightening, etc.?

A: My inner voice is paralyzing. The panic buzzes around my brain so I can't think, can't move forward, can't respond to questions. My inner critic squelches my joy, makes me talk negatively about everything, even the things that make me happy. And this is reflected in what I say out loud - I feel like everything I say is a complaint or a whine. I don't want to be like this anymore. It is exhausting to be so negative. And part of it is caused by the perpetual exhaustion of having two young kids and looking for a job.

Q: What kinds of messages could you give yourself that are honest and supportive?

A: Look at my skills objectively. I can acknowledge and place value on the things that I have done. I must interrupt my inner voice before she finishes the "but". Get her to rephrase - I will, I can, I love.

Q: Anything else?

A: I want to start - really try - to be more positive. I need to coach my inner voice to stop being so negative, teach it instead to be my cheerleader.

~~~

I know that's all mega-touch feely. But man, there is truth there. My inner voice is killing my joy. I don't want to be down and negative all the time. And believe me, it's my normal state. I can do better. I'm going to try.

(I feel perilously close to sounding like Stuary Smalley, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." *snort*)

I'm learning about myself. It's painful sometimes, enlightening, and I hope it will help me find a job that is closer to my values. I guess I should be thankful for being laid off. I doubt I ever would have found the time to sort through this stuff if I hadn't been forced into it.

Happy 2nd bloggiversary!

Yep, that's right. Two years of lame posts, with huge gaps of time in between. Something to be proud of. Not really. But this blog is mine, and I put what I can into it. I want to do more - if only there was a way to post directly from my brain. On second thought, that might be a little scary.

Happy 2nd bloggiversary, self.

Transition

Apologies for dropping off the face of the earth. We've been busy around here. Pepperette turned one, March break happened and my maternity leave ended. Last week Pepperette started her gradual introduction to Montessori/daycare. She did very well. I found it really hard. It broke my heart to hand her over to the teacher and walk away as Pepperette reached for me, crying. I found out when I returned a few hours later to get her that she stopped crying as soon as I was out of sight. So really, she did very well.

Also this week, I officially started my job search. I've attended about three half day seminars so far. I'm getting a lot out of them, certainly I feel more energized and optimistic that I will be able to find something part-time. I'm worried about finding something good enough in the limited time frame I have (of course, the list of things I worry about is long and varied). I don't get that many weeks of EI. I hope I can find something on my terms before I run out of money. I feel very strongly that I have to take the time to really look, to really try to make this career change, this lifestyle change. If I don't do it now, I fear I will end up stressed and miserable, feeling like I never see my kids and husband.

In other news, bad news has been hitting us on multiple fronts. Listed in random order - goodness knows the trouble I would get in if I ranked my stepmother over my cat.

I'm (trying to) keep it all in perspective - the kids, Mr. Chili and I still have a roof over our heads and reasonable health. But.... Our beloved family cat, Boomer, is dying. He is wasting away. Many vet visits and large bills later, we have eliminated the benign, treatable causes and are left with terminal illnesses like cancer. He is only 7 years old. The vet was shocked at his appearance. Not only is he down to a mere 7.5 lbs from a healthy 12 lbs, but he looks aged, more like a 14 or 15 year old cat. His spirits are good and he doesn't seem to be suffering. No vomiting or diarrhea or litter box accidents. He isn't eating or drinking much though, so to keep him more comfortable, I am giving him fluids subcutaneously. Since we don't know what us killing him we have no idea how long he will live. He's an awesome cat, so loving, such a great personality, so great with the kids. I'm so sad about this. I'm also worried about LC and how he will handle this. We're making it up as we go, hoping that everyone comes through it okay.

Car troubles. Mr. Chili was in a car accident with our older but paid for and runs really well car about a month ago. Some knob, not paying attention ran into the passenger rear side of the car. Fortunately he wasn't hurt, nor were the kids in the car. But oh the hassle. The insurance company ended up writing off the car. Did I mention I'm unemployed? Not a good time to take on a car payment. So we were able to take a reduced settlement from the insurance company and get it fixed. Took ages to settle and get the car fixed, which sucked because we are most definitely suburbanites who are reliant on having two cars. All's well that ends well.

In far bigger, badder news, my dad called on Friday to tell us that my stepmom has breast cancer. It is pretty bad, but doesn't appear to have spread to the lymph nodes. I am not very close to my stepmom (very, very long story), but she and my dad are very much in love and my dad has some major health issues of his own. We don't know the treatment plan yet - probably surgery by next Friday, then who knows - radiation? Chemo? I'm worried that she will die and my dad won't be able to stand it, that it will break him. I'm worried about the toll that supporting her will take on his health. They live an hour away and I just hope that I will be able to find good ways to support them. I do care about my stepmom, I do. I want her to fight this and win.

Finally, I have a dear friend who is in a very bad, very messy personal situation. It is so beyond anything you can imagine that if I told you the details you'd say I was making that shit up. I have been doing my best to support her, to be her rock. It is really hard because I worry about her, about my safety, her kids. I've been involved for this for two years. And the truth is that it keeps getting worse and worse. It is killing her in the most literal sense. I feel helpless a lot of the time. I know I can't rescue her, only she can. But that doesn't make it any easier to watch.

Got to post this now, while I have a minute. Pepperette is almost done nursing.

Maple Syrup!

Perhaps LC's favourite condiment. I'll have to ask him which is better - maple syrup or ketchup. He consumes both on a near daily basis. In terms of volume, I believe maple syrup wins. And we're talking the real stuff. Frankly, I see no point in the high fructose corn syrup crap.

In celebration of LC's love of maple syrup and the first day of March break and the fact that the sap is starting to run - which means that spring might actually be coming...some day.... we headed up to the Purple Woods Conservation Area north of Oshawa for the Maple Syrup Festival. It was a gorgeous day: sunny, a not-too-cold -3 degC, with lots of snow. (Left from the latest snow storm that buried us on Saturday.)

We trekked through the woods with Pepperette on my back in our backpack carrier. I'm obviously not up on the latest techniques in sap gathering, because I was surprised at the network of tubing that ran from one tree to the next, all leading downhill towards the sugar shack.

Mr. Chili and LC enjoyed meal of pancakes and sausages. Then we toured the sugar shack. Not much of a tour - small space, with a pleasant and knowledgeable tour guide but with no sap being gathered yet, not much to see. Then we went on a short wagon ride. And bought some maple syrup treats too. All told - $7 for family admission, $6 for the family wagon ride, $9.50 for the pancake, sausage, hot chocolate and $9 on maple syrup suckers and maple butter. Not a cheap outing, but fun and a pleasant way to spend an afternoon.

On our way home, we happened to drive by the White Feather country store. A good friend always used to bring us treats from White Feather. They make the most divine, amazing Chocolate Silk Truffle bars. To die for. Really. I didn't have a clue where the bakery/store was - turns out it is north of Oshawa. We stopped by and I bought some treats for the boys - pumpkin pie, raisin butter tarts and m&m cookies. It was hard not to buy more. And not to buy anything for myself. Damn thrush.

I recommend the maple syrup festival and White Feather as a good half-day outing.

House of Plague, title relinquished

I am very happy to report that we are all healthy. (Why do I feel a sense of doom?)



Hah. I wrote that on Feb 28. We have been healthy, for the most part, since then. And busy. And I have a lot on my mind about the end of my maternity leave, Pepperette's first birthday, looking for a job, LC's skating lesson fiasco, Pepperette's surprising egg allergy, continued thrush misery, etc.

I'll be back with more on all that later. I just wanted to let (no one) know that we are healthy and have survived the first day of March break.

House of plague, part II

I referred to our humble abode as the "House of Plague" in a recent post as a JOKE. I thought that LC having scarlet fever and strep throat, and Pepperette having a nasty cold that took both kids out for two weeks was enough. I was not looking for more pestillence to befall us. (Oh I love being dramatic - it is so much fun.) Let's recap the past few days, shall we?

Wednesday:

Mr. Chili comes home feeling sick. He has an upset stomach, aches, fever, chills. He promptly isolates himself in a bid to save the rest of us from exposure. I fervetently hope that he ate something bad and that he is not contagious.

Thursday:

Mr. Chili takes a sick day. For the first time since 2004. The man just does not get sick. I am alternately worried and frustrated by the fact that he spends all day in bed, sleeping. Hey, I didn't say that I'm a nice person. I watch everyone else, no symptoms. Whew.

Friday:

Mr. Chili heads to work, even though he still feels like crap. This is because LC doesn't go to school on Fridays and frankly, work is more restful. The kids and I have a good day. No one else is sick. Dare I hope that we're out of the woods?

Saturday:

A typical day. I go for a run, we go grocery shopping, we have dinner/playdate with friends. At 10:30pm, Pepperette sits up in bed and starts projectile vomiting. She has never done this before. LC didn't throw up for the first time until he was two-ish. Mr. Chili and I are amazed at how much her stomach holds. Poor Pepperette vomits about ten times through the night. We are stuck in an endless hell of gurgling stomach, vomit, clean up, lie down until the next time. Pepperette is so tired that she is passing out in my arms immediately after vomiting. The only good thing in all this is that LC sleeps through it all.

Sunday:

Mr. Chili and I are exhausted. We hang around the house all day. Pepperette vomits a few more times. I keep nursing her as often as she wants. I am so grateful in all of this to be breastfeeding - I can't imagine how much sicker she would be. We limp through the day by letting LC watch obscene amounts of TV.

Monday:

A brand new provincial holiday "Family Day" created by the premier to get more votes. The problem with this holiday? Only about 40% of people in the province actually get the day of, but all daycares, schools, libraries, stores are closed. Genius, I tell ya. So I've got both kids and one of them is still really sick. Pepperette has stopped vomiting, but now has a fever and diarrhea. Another day where the TV was on constantly. Mr. Chili tries to come home early, but gets stuck at the office. He's still feeling crappy, and I am fighting it too. Pepperette is whiney and clingy all day. My smiley baby is nowhere to be found.

Tuesday:

LC heads to school, Mr. Chili to work. Pepperette's fever is lower, but she is still having awful diarrhea. It is awful. I can barely keep up with the laundry. At least Pepperette is starting to smile again. LC comes home from school complaining of a sore stomach. He refuses all snacks and dinner. He just lays on the couch. This is not normal. I was supposed to attend a meeting at 7pm, but between the sick kiddies and my excessive queasiness, I decide to stay home. We all go to bed early. Pepperette has a reasonably good sleep. LC wakes up at 11pm and vomits. He tried to make it to the bathroom in time. It was close, but not close enough. More Lysol wipes, more laundry, more cleaning up. Fortunately Pepperette sleeps through the excitement. Another long night, filled with false (puke) alarms, a restless Pepperette and a feverish, achy momma.

Wednesday:

It's been a week since the sickness started. I'm sick, Pepperette's fever is gone but her diarrhea persists, LC has only thrown up once - maybe he will only have a mild version of this bug, Mr. Chili is feeling achy again but went to work since it is more restful than being at home with two sick kids.

Sometimes it really sucks to be the mom. No sick days. Can't lie down and rest because there is always someone calling for you. I hardly slept last night because of the aches and chills. And did I mention how much fun it is to nurse the baby while you have diarrhea? Fun times.

Heavy on my mind

I've got a lot on my mind right now. Some of these are worthy of an entire post.

And some (all?) clearly are not worthy of a post at all. What I'm struggling with is that my whines are minor. I lead a relatively privileged middle class existence. Yeah, I've had some sucky stuff happen but putting it in perspective, I still have a loving spouse and two health kids. What I really need is to get myself over to Wednesday Whining - it's the perfect place for my whines. Too bad I keep forgetting until, oh, Thursday.

Since I am constrained by time, as ever, I'll just throw down some bullets.

• LC had a really bad evening last night. Pickup from Montessori was a typical nightmare - as soon as Mr. Chili showed up, LC started running around, grabbing fruit from the snack bowl, acting manic. He proceeding to not listen, meltdown and ocassionally get violent. I wish I could convey how truly frustrating/exasperating and just plain awful his behaviour is, but I'm too exhausted and demoralized to write it all down. Why did I think four was a good age? I try really, really hard not to let my mind wander into the "how badly am I fucking this parenting gig up?" territory, but it's hard.


• Job stress. Or should I say unemployment stress. I am in denial about job hunting. I know that it is going to be really hard to find a good job in my industry that will let me work part-time. I have no good ideas about how to start my search. I have all these vague hopes pinned on the outplacement company that I'm starting with in early March. I keep hoping that someone is going to drop the perfect job in my lap. It just doesn't work that way. I know. I need to get real and serious and start looking. But it's hard and I fight myself. I keep squishing down the stress and then it bubbles up and I get all snippy and take it out on the people I love.


• Birthday whine. My birthday was over a month ago. My mom & stepfather were away somewhere warm. They didn't call to wish me a happy birthday. Nor did my only sibling. I know it's petty, but I wish my mom had at least said something when they got home.


• Thrush whine. I am so sick of of these freaking flareups. Every time I think the thrush is under control, I get 2-4 days pain-free and then it's back. I'm tired of the pain, of the awful diaper rash that flares up on Pepperette, of not being able to eat anything. I feel so defective. I don't know how much longer I can keep going.


• Materialistic whine. Mr. Chili is awesome. And I am an ungrateful bitch for saying this, but damn I am disappointed about the complete lack of card and/or presents for both our wedding anniversary and Valentine's Day. And then there was something Mr. Chili talked about buying for me for my birthday and to commemorate the birth of Pepperette that he now says I should just go ahead and get myself. And I can. But way to kill the romance. It's just not the same.


• Car whine. Mr. Chili was in a car accident last week. He's okay, he was a little stiff and sore for a few days. The bad news is that the insurance company is probably going to write off the car. This really bites. I am unemployed, just finishing a year of maternity leave. We are not in a good financial position to buy a car. The car is paid for, is about seven years old and runs well. But on paper it is not worth much. To the insurance co. it isn't worth fixing. But the amount they're likely to offer isn't going to be enough to buy another car. This is just not a good time. Oh and we will become a one-car family while we wait. Mr. Chili works a fair distance from home. And his work is tough to access with public transit. He has to have the car. Which means I will have to drop LC at Montessori, drive Mr. Chili to work, arriving home aboutan hour later. Lather, rinse, repeat at the end of the day. Oh what fun!

Okay. Even I am sick of my whining. Must get some sleep, hope the thrush subsides a bit tomorrow so I can feel a little more positive and be a better mom and a little easier to live with.

Lessons in compassion?

We were in a fast food restaurant eating lunch over the weekend when I bit the inside of my cheek. Hard. I yelped and held my hand to my cheek.

LC: Mommy! Are you okay?

Me: (touched by the question. Wondering if LC is finally developing a sense of compassion.) Yes, I'm okay.

LC: Good. Now I can laugh. (And he lets out a raucous laugh.)

Mr. Chili choked on his drink and had to turn his head because he was laughing so hard. I'll admit that my lips were twitching too. Clever bugger.

Strawberries!

It's been a pretty exciting week on the thrush front. I am virtually pain-free. And I have tried some new foods! It's sad how excited I was to eat one third of an Asian pear on Wednesday. Pepperette had some too. Yesterday, I ate chopped strawberries mixed with Balkan style high-fat unsweetened yogurt. It was the first strawberry I've had in six months. Mr. Chili said I had the hugest smile on my face while I was eating it. Sad, but true. I have hope that I'll be able to expand my diet. I can't see being able to eat sugar or anything fermented, but maybe I'll be able add more fruit and thus more variety into my diet.

In other news, this week a good friend invited me to attend a taping of a daytime talk show. We were both able to arrange childcare, so off we went. We took the commuter train from our suburb to downtown Toronto. We were in the (very small) studio audience for "The Steve and Chris Show" on CBC. It was a hoot. My inner geek was quite impressed with the mechanics of getting a show together. It takes a lot of people to get a show on the air. The set is really nice, as were all the people we met. As an added treat, they put makeup on all the audience members. Apparently in earlier shows they noticed the aufience looked really washed out. So they started putting makeup on everyone. I never wear makeup, so this was like a little bit of pampering. The show itself was fun, and I'm looking forward to watching it.

Whew! This has taken me three days to write. Sad but true. Things are better and the same 'round here. A brief "House of Plague" update: LC is better, Pepperette still has a crusty nose, I am still having aches and a sinus headache. Mr. Chili seems to be avoiding our germs so far. He does however have a honking big cold sore. Yum.

Happy Groundhog Day!

I mean - Happy Anniversary Mr. Chili. Six years ago today we were preparing to walk down the aisle. You were off with you best man and best friend having breakfast and just hanging out. I was in the hotel room with my sister and best friend getting my hair and makeup done. In a couple of hours we met in the hotel lobby for some pictures, then some more pics taken at the Allen Gardens greenhouse. Then it was off to the awesome restaurant where we got married and had our reception. The ceremony was perfect. We were so fortunate that everyone who was important to us was there. I can still remember my face being sore the next day from smiling so damned much. We truly had an amazing wedding day. I love you. More than I did six years ago. Thanks for giving me the best years of my life - so far. I firmly believe that life is only going to get better.

Love you.

How warped is my body image?

Seriously warped.

In addition to helping control the thrush, these dietary restrictions have another great side effect: weight loss. I have lost all my prw-baby weight and then some. I weigh less than I've weighed in five years. It's not all diet related, I've also been running three times a week and have gone as far as 10km. I'm wearing a size six in pants - I don't think I've ever worn a six before. I really like my new body. It feels good to be fit and healthy and still be able to nourish Pepperette.

So with all of this good news, how is it that I still feel fat sometimes??? For maybe two weeks after my weight stabilized, I could really see how my arms were smaller, I have a waist again and my legs look leaner. Obviously I'm wearing a smaller clothing size too. And yet yesterday, when I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I automatically started to catalogue my flaws - thighs too fat, boobs still huge, etc. I've lost 33 pounds. I can't believe that I'm so conditioned to believe that I'm fat that I slide right back into beating myself up. Have I been so programmed by society? By the patriarchy? It's pathetic.

(This is going to sound annoying, but it is true. I've not been trying to lose weight. The anti-candida diet means that I can't eat crap - no processed stuff, no sugar, no alcohol, no bread. It is pretty ineveitable that you lose weight if you cut all the crap out of your diet. I will confess that although weight loss was not the goal, I'm vain enough to be very happy about being thinner.)

House of plague

I am seriously going to rename our humble abode "the house of plague". After packing LC off to school this morning with a song in my heart and a skip in my step, I was shocked when the doctor's office called to tell me that the throat swab they took last week for LC? The one that was a formality? That the doctor asked me if I really wanted it? Yeah, that one. It came back positive for strep. I felt awful that we sent him to school while he was infectious, but honestly, he seemed fine. Back to normal. I had to pick him up from school immediately, begged Mr. Chili to come home and watch LC so I could take Pepperette and myself to the doctors to check if we had strep and pickup LC's prescription.

LC was quite happy to be picked up from school early. He said he felt fine. It was tempting to skip the antibiotics, but I didn't want him to get sick again. And there is the whole 'can't go back to school until he's been on antibiotics for 24 hours'. Oh - and when I described to the doctor LC's fever, full body rash and positive strep test, he commented that LC likely had scarlet fever. WTF? Isn't scarlet fever a big deal? As in you can die from it? Obviously you can get a mild case.

LC will be home again on Tuesday. And I can't take him out to a playgym to burn off that energy while he's contagious. Wish me luck. I am distinctly cranky about a second week of disruption of my precious time without LC so I can get things done. At least the doctor didn't think I have strep. I really hope not. The thought of taking antibiotics terrifies me. If I get a thrush flareup from something as small as eating a bit of avacado, I can only imagine how severe the thrush would be if I took antibiotics. Having had thrush before, I'm pretty sure this is just a cold.

A programming note: I love my iPod touch, and its the only reason I'm managing to post at all. However, I don't have full editing and it's hard to view the entire post, so it is really tough to maintain any continuity of narrative. My apologies to the zero readers of this blog. Ah well. It feels good to get some of these thoughts out of my head.

A great movie

Sorry for the incomplete post. I was interupted by small children and had to post, lest I lose the entire thing.

Last night, after both kids were asleep, I sat down and watched a movie. I'm coming down with a cold, complete with body aches and a sinus headache. Staying up til midnight was not a smart thing to do. But I had heard so many good things about this movie that I finally rented it on Sat night. It was totally worth staying up for.

"Once" is a lovely film. It has so many elements that resonate with me - it's set in Ireland, features lots of gorgeous acoustic guitar-driven music, and feels very real. I tried to get Mr. Chili to watch it with me, but as soon as the word "musical" passed my lips, his eyes glazed and he said he was going to bed.

This is not a typical musical. There's no 'spontaneous' breaking into song. Instead it's about a guy and a girl who sing together. It's a simple little story. The music is so good that I really want to buy the soundtrack. I played the french horn for many years, with a number of groups, some semi-professional. One of the groups I played made a couple of recordings so I could totally relate to the recording process as shown in the movie. The thing that the movie really nailed was the pure joy and sense of connection that you get when you're playing. It's hard to describe the transcendent joy that happens when you're completely in synch with someone.

I'm going to cut this off now before I ramble on further. Blame it on the cold.

That's better

Wow. Is there anything that a good night's sleep can't fix? Pepperette and LC had the best night of sleep they've had in ages. I feel human this morning and in a good mood. Knowing myself though, I wonder how long it will last...

I was suposed to attend a yoga class this morning - by myself. For the first time since Pepperette was born. But I deliberately didn't set an alarm, and the kids actually slept in, so not enough time to nurse Pepperette and get there. I'm bummed, but so glad to have gotten a good night's sleep.

We had a pretty good day yesterday. LC did okay at hisf irst dentist appt. Unfortunately we had to wait so long in the waiting room that we used up most of LC's good will. He actually laid down in the chair and let her count his teeth, but when it came time to polish/clean his teeth and have his teeth checked by the hygenist, he was having none of it. We decided to end the appt when it became obvious that LC was losing it. Kicking, whining, saying no. He wasn't going to calm down, and there was no point in traumatizing him.

After the dentist, we headed to one of the large suburban malls for lunch and errands. We were pretty productive. With the dietary restrictions P and I have, there is very little that I can eat. So the boys had sushi (sigh), P and I had New York Fries. These are the only fast food fries that I can have. There is no crap in them - only potaoes cooked in oil. All other fries that I've looked at: Wendys, McDonalds, Burger King - they all have freaking dextrose. Why the fuck do you need to add salt and sugar to French fries???

After lunch, we asked LC if he wanted to try playing in the kids play area. We've never tried it before. It's an on-site daycare where you can drop off your kid for one or two hours. They have to be 18 months to 12 years. And it costs $6/he. Shopping with my hands free? Priceless. (Mr. Chili was holding Pepperette.) Spent my gymbucks on a very cute bathing suit for Pepperette and a casual dress. Found a couple of cheap pairs of pants for myself too. We were all tired after this (I squeezed in a 7.6km run in the morning), so we headed home. LC said he had a good time at the play centre.

A quiet night at home, baths for the kids, and an escape for me. Even though I was bone weary, I headed to a local coffee place for a cup of tea and some alone time. It was most excellent. Mr. Chili had a good night too, blowing stuff up on his xbox 360 while listening for the kids on the baby monitor.

Yeah, it was a pretty good day. On tap for today: showering (yes, I have to schedule that), groceries, vacuuming, trying to stay sane. Normal stuff.

Pepperette is finished nursing and getting into everything. I'd better go.

And the fun continues

Or should I say the snot continues.

Thursday started off well. Ok, not great, Pepperette had a fever and cough, but at least LC was well enough to go to school. Again, I got smacked down. A mere one hour after being dropped off, the school called. LC had a terrible rash on his face and could I come get him. Note that he had rash on his chest and back that morning, but nothing on his face. And tyically, viral rashes appear after the fever and the person is no longer contagious. I know this from Dr. Google.

I had to wake Pepperette, who had only been asleep for half an hour, poor thing. Then I called the doctor's office and asked if they could see LC after Pepperette. I was pretty confident that LC was fine, but since I was already taking P in, and was going to have to drag LC along, what the heck. I also called my Mom and begged her to come over. She agreed, said she would come soon. And showed up three hours later. Now I know I'm being an ingrate here, but she was so late that I almost had to get Mr. Chili to come home from work.

Trying to shorten the story... Dr appt went well. My mom helped wrangle the kids. Pepperette is still small, but consistently so. When she's healthy, bring her back for her shot. LC's rash is viral, although she did take a throat swab just to check. So good news. No one was very ill. After the appt we went to the little cafe nearby, so I could nurse Pepperette and LC could have a snack. Good thing my Mom was there, because as I was packing up, LC took off. God, my kid posses me off so much sometimes. My Mom got him while I put Pepperette back in her car seat.

Once home, the afternoon was pretty uneventful. Way too much tv for LC, cranky Pepperette, cranky me, my mom trying to be helpful. I was so glad when Mr. Chili came home early.

Friday was moreoif the same. LC was feeling fine, as evidenced by his full-on attitude. I wanted to take the kids to some sort of play-gym, but was afraid we would be rejected when they saw LC's face. So we stayed home. Pepperette wasn't napping and she has this nasty diaper rash that just isn't getting better. LC was driving me around the bend. Again, Mr. Chili came home early.

So how much do I suck as a mom that I can't handle two sick kids for three days? I am so dependent on LC going to Montessori. It's pathetic.

It's the weekend now. Mr. Chili is around full-time. I finally get to go for a run. Sans kids. LC has his first dentist appt. Man, I hope he does okay. We've tried to prep him.

Gotta go. Been typing this on my Touch while Pepperette has a marathon nursing session. And both of them need to end.

New day, same snot

LC stayed home from school yesterday. My Mom came over which made the
day easier. I'm grateful that my Mom is retired and willing to help
sometimes. LC was sick enough to be subdued, but not enough to be
totally miserable. I thought that Pepperette was going to get off
lightly - just a runny nose and a bit of crankiness. I was even a bit
smug, that the amazing powers of breastfeeding had saved her

Oh I hate being smacked down. You think I'd learn.

Pepperette had a terrible sleep. She wouldn't go down, when she did go
to sleep at 10:00pm, she was restless and moaning. Then she woke up at
5:30am. I nursed her for a while and she was wide awake. Ugh. Mr.
Chili to the rescue, he took her downstairs so I could get just a bit
more sleep. When I came down, Mr. Chili was holding a very fussy baby,
who has not only a cough, but a fever.

And I can't give her any relief. Both tylenol and motrin have corn
syrup and/or sucrose. Last time I gave her some Tylenol, after an
immunization, we had a bad thrush flareup. Yes, that's right, one
lousy ml of Tylenol and we're in agony for days. So unless her fever
gets really high, I'm not going to medicate.

Ironically, she has a dr appt for a weight check and immunization. I
guess we'll go, but have to do the shot later.

I'm going to call the pharmacy that does compunding and see if there
is a no sugar/no sweetener form of Tylenol or motrin.

Man, I need to get some sleep. Maybe then I might have something
interesting to say. Or would at least whine less.

Thrush report: better today. The only quash-new thing in Pepperette
and my diet is avacado, which she loves, and I've been eating too many
Tera chips. So no more of either of those. I find it hard to believe
that the avacado could cause a reaction, but this thrush thing is so
fucked up.

I've nursed Pepperette into a stupor, so I'm going to try and transfer
her so I can eat my breakfast.

A fun night in the Chili household

Or not. It's 6:45am, I'm sitting here nursing Pepperette. It's not that early, unless you've been up many times in the night. Pepperette had a hard time falling asleep last night, didn't go down until oh, 11:00pm. And LC, who has had a scratchy voice and minor cough for a couple of days developed a fever last night. We knew something was up because he was strangely cooperative at dinner (didn't try to leave the table while eating, didn't bother Pepperette, actually listened), complained of being cold, and then decided to lay on the couch after dinner. He was then asleep by 7:45pm - early. He was also restless and got up three or four times. Fortunately for me, Mr. Chili took LC so I could handle Peperette. So here I sit, exhausted, knowing that LC won't be going to Montessori today. There go my plans for the day. Sucks.

And yes, I would like some cheese with my whine. Wow, is this a whiney post. Sorry 'bout that.

I just really hope it is a virus that LC has - regardless, I'll have to get a urine sample. This is the first fever he's had since stopping the prophylactic antibiotics in Dec. Let's hope it's not a bladder infection. Because that would be a very bad thing.

While I'm whining, I'll also mention that my nips are very sore. Which means a thrush flareup. And I have no idea why. I am so tired of the pain. Even though it is sooo much better, I still get flareup. And I'm tired of it. But short of stopping breastfeeding, there's really nothing else to do except live with it, continue the diet, take all the pills. And feel defective for having the most persistent case of thrush ever.

I'll try to be in a better mood next time I post.

Brief update, written on my new toy

Not the most exciting post title. Creativity escapes me at 6:30 in the morning. I am attempting to not only write this entry on my new Ipod touch (a very surprising pressie from Mr. Chili, who was tired of hearing me grouse about the limitations of my Palm LifeDrive. A device that was great but also spontaneously rebooted at least once a day.) but also to do out via mobile blogging.

Le's see...what's new.
- Pepperette is under the weather with a cold. Beyond that she is doing very well. She is crawling up a storm, going faster and faster every day, and growls (really) with delight as she does so. She is also pulling herself to her knees, but not yet to a full stand. My baby is growing too fast, something that seems to be a phenomenon reserved for second babies. She is 10.5 months. Which means only six weeks left of my maternity leave.

- Which means I have to start looking for a job. Not just any job, but one that allows for flexible hours and is, ideally, part-time. Not an easy thing to find in my industry. I have to remind myself that I don't have to rush into a job. I have time. And that it's worth the financial sacrifice and career derailment to have more time with my family. The old cliche is true: they're only young once.

- The thrush is still pretty much gone, provided that I adhere strictly to the diet. Which I do. Because I am tired of pain.

- LC is doing well. Constantly surprising us with his comments and questions. Exhausting us with his tantrums.

- Mr. Chili is doing well too. He is very happy that I have started to find my libido. He was around a lot over Christmas and New Years, and if was lovely.

More to say, but very scared I'm going to lose this. Later!