- "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney " by Judith Viorst
- "When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death" by Laurie Krasny Brown (Author), Marc Brown (Illustrator)
- "Let's Talk About When Your Pet Dies" by Marianne Johnston
The Tenth Good Thing is really good. To be honest, I sat in the library reading these books, crying. They all made me sad. I think the tears are cathartic.
The experience:
I had cuddled with Boomer before we left for the vet. I just held him and talked to him and apologized. He purred a bit, but mostly just laid in my arms, allowing me to pet him behind his ears and under his chin. I was second guessing myself all over the place, so I put him on the floor to see if he could walk - maybe he was rallying - instead, he walked right into his crate. He has never done that. I usually have to shoe-horn him in. I don't know why he walked in. I'd like to believe he knew what we were going to do and that he was ready to end his suffering. But I'm to rational to really believe that.
The vet examined him before placing the catheter in this leg that would deliver the fatal dose of anesthetic. She said she found a mass on his bladder, and theorized that the cancer that shut down his kidneys had spread. She also said his heart was beating really fast, which is typical of end-stage kidney failure. She was so compassionate and caring, reassuring me that we did everything to keep him comfortable, and that he would have suffered if we had kept him alive. It was still the hardest thing I've ever done.
She laid him down on a towel on the examining table. I held his head and talked him, telling him that he was a great cat. When I was ready (are you ever ready?) she injected the anesthetic. He started a bit at the cold of it, made this peculiar growling noise and within seconds I felt him die. He just stopped breathing and his head slowly came down onto the towel. He was so still. His eyes remained open, which was a little freaky, to be honest. At first I didn't want to touch him. It wasn't Boomer anymore, but a body. I did pet him a little longer and said my goodbyes. The vet said to take as much time as I needed to say goodbye. And I thought, get me out of here. I don't want to spend time with a dead cat. But when it came time to leave the room- to leave him behind - it was so hard.
I still can't believe how fast it happened. He really didn't suffer at the end. I tell myself that I did the merciful thing. It still feels like I was trying to play god.
LC's reaction:
After we've been home for an hour or so. Me: "Have you noticed anyone missing?"
"No." puzzled face, thinking.
"Boomer isn't here."
"Where is he?"
"He's dead, honey."
Pause. "Why?"
"He had a disease called cancer. It made him really sick. Eventually his heart stopped working."
And it went on from there. LC cried when I told him, but it sounded to me like that fake crying he does so well. No real tears behind it. After the bit of crying, he asked me if we could get a new pet. Wow. Didn't wait long there! I told him mommy and daddy needed time to be sad about Boomer, then we would talk about it.
Since then he has randomly commented that he is sad Boomer is dead. I printed off two pictures of Boomer from healthier, happier days (including the picture in this post) and asked him if he wanted to take them to school. He did. First thing he did this morning when we walked into the schoolyard was run up to two of his friends and tell them Boomer died. The two little boys he told nodded solemnly, then the three of them ran off to play. I'm relieved and glad that LC seems to be taking the news well. Although I fully expect this to play out in stages as he absorbs and adjusts.
Is it morbid of me to believe that this truly is a character building experience for LC? Dealing with the death of a pet is not fun, but it helps you know what it's like when someone you love dies. So maybe when a grandparent or aunt or uncle dies later, he'll have some of the tools for coping. I don't know. I'm really just making this up as I go along.
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