Today has not been a good day. I know that I am a pessimist, a glass-half-full kind of person. And I know that I'm feeling this bad because of a convergence - no, wait - an accumulation of events. Regardless of how I got here, I am struggling today with feelings of frustration, wanting to cry, feeling sad, feeling weary and simply not having the patience to deal with my abnormally cranky daughter.
I found out yesterday that a very dear friend lost her baby. She was finally experiencing a normal pregnancy. They had seen the heartbeat. She went for a twelve week ultrasound on Monday and found out the baby was dead. I don't know whether she will have a d&c or miscarry "naturally". That is just one more painful decision for her. This is her fifth miscarriage. It is so fucking unfair. No one should have to suffer like that. I'm so sad for her.
I also found out that I did nor get the job I interviewed for last week. It was a good role for me in many ways. The interview went very well. I am disappointed. It is hard for me not to take it personally, not to feel rejected. I do. And dammit, I need to find paid employment soon. Our savings isn't going to cover us much longer.
Add to this the fact that Pepperette had a bad night, moaning, crying and nursing pretty much all night. Which means that I didn't get much sleep. Then there is the stress and denial that I am careening betwen as Mr. Chili prepares to leave on Saturday for a business trip. A two week long trip, on another continent. I will be a single mom for two weeks, including two weekends. I have no idea how I'm going to survive.
I haven't felt this down, this anxious, for a long time. I hate it. I have to get some sleep. But when I feel like this I tend to stay up even later because I don't want to face reality, preferring to lose myself in the computer or a book. I'll just catch up on one more blog. One more. And so it goes until Pepperette wakes up crying at 1 am, wanting to nurse. Only then do I go to bed. But lately I can't sleep while she is nursing. It's too painful. So I get cranky and frustrated with the epic nursing sessions.
Got to go. Pepperette is out of patience. I will be back. Blogging is going to keep me same during the next two weeks.
2 comments:
Wish I had seen this sooner so I could've left you some positive reinforcement. Hope things are better now.
I so do not miss night-time feedings. Lucy is such a good sleeper that it quite literally kicks our asses when she's awake at night now. I am absolutely terrified for when this second child comes...
Damn. I didn't see this until today (May 14). Stupid comment notification.
We are doing okay. Lots of shitty stuff happening, but the kids themselves are okay and that's what really matters.
The night-time nursings are tough, but they don't last forever. Pepperette has stretches where she sleeps really well. It will be tough when #2 arrive, but the good part is that you've survived it once and you're more prepared for it.
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