Heavy on my mind

I've got a lot on my mind right now. Some of these are worthy of an entire post.

And some (all?) clearly are not worthy of a post at all. What I'm struggling with is that my whines are minor. I lead a relatively privileged middle class existence. Yeah, I've had some sucky stuff happen but putting it in perspective, I still have a loving spouse and two health kids. What I really need is to get myself over to Wednesday Whining - it's the perfect place for my whines. Too bad I keep forgetting until, oh, Thursday.

Since I am constrained by time, as ever, I'll just throw down some bullets.

• LC had a really bad evening last night. Pickup from Montessori was a typical nightmare - as soon as Mr. Chili showed up, LC started running around, grabbing fruit from the snack bowl, acting manic. He proceeding to not listen, meltdown and ocassionally get violent. I wish I could convey how truly frustrating/exasperating and just plain awful his behaviour is, but I'm too exhausted and demoralized to write it all down. Why did I think four was a good age? I try really, really hard not to let my mind wander into the "how badly am I fucking this parenting gig up?" territory, but it's hard.


• Job stress. Or should I say unemployment stress. I am in denial about job hunting. I know that it is going to be really hard to find a good job in my industry that will let me work part-time. I have no good ideas about how to start my search. I have all these vague hopes pinned on the outplacement company that I'm starting with in early March. I keep hoping that someone is going to drop the perfect job in my lap. It just doesn't work that way. I know. I need to get real and serious and start looking. But it's hard and I fight myself. I keep squishing down the stress and then it bubbles up and I get all snippy and take it out on the people I love.


• Birthday whine. My birthday was over a month ago. My mom & stepfather were away somewhere warm. They didn't call to wish me a happy birthday. Nor did my only sibling. I know it's petty, but I wish my mom had at least said something when they got home.


• Thrush whine. I am so sick of of these freaking flareups. Every time I think the thrush is under control, I get 2-4 days pain-free and then it's back. I'm tired of the pain, of the awful diaper rash that flares up on Pepperette, of not being able to eat anything. I feel so defective. I don't know how much longer I can keep going.


• Materialistic whine. Mr. Chili is awesome. And I am an ungrateful bitch for saying this, but damn I am disappointed about the complete lack of card and/or presents for both our wedding anniversary and Valentine's Day. And then there was something Mr. Chili talked about buying for me for my birthday and to commemorate the birth of Pepperette that he now says I should just go ahead and get myself. And I can. But way to kill the romance. It's just not the same.


• Car whine. Mr. Chili was in a car accident last week. He's okay, he was a little stiff and sore for a few days. The bad news is that the insurance company is probably going to write off the car. This really bites. I am unemployed, just finishing a year of maternity leave. We are not in a good financial position to buy a car. The car is paid for, is about seven years old and runs well. But on paper it is not worth much. To the insurance co. it isn't worth fixing. But the amount they're likely to offer isn't going to be enough to buy another car. This is just not a good time. Oh and we will become a one-car family while we wait. Mr. Chili works a fair distance from home. And his work is tough to access with public transit. He has to have the car. Which means I will have to drop LC at Montessori, drive Mr. Chili to work, arriving home aboutan hour later. Lather, rinse, repeat at the end of the day. Oh what fun!

Okay. Even I am sick of my whining. Must get some sleep, hope the thrush subsides a bit tomorrow so I can feel a little more positive and be a better mom and a little easier to live with.