Mostly good, some not.

It's hard to believe that Mr. Chili came home over a week ago. It is so good to have him home again. And not just because he does stuff and helps. I really missed his company, his good sense, his hugs. (I'd say I missed sex, but I'd be lying. It has been a ridiculous length of time since we last had sex. We both want to, in an abstract, wouldn't-it-be-nice kind of way. But man, by the time the kids are asleep and the hockey game is over and I'm finished with blogging or job searching...well, it just doesn't happen.) We don't connect much these days. I'm finding it tough to maintain our husband-wife relationship while parenting these two kids. We've got to work harder at it.

We've had a few lovely family moments since Mr. Chili came home.

Last Wednesday we all went for a walk in the light rain. Mr. Chili had Pepperette in the backpack carrier covering them both with a large golf umbrella, I had Cosmo (our dog) on leash with an umbrella, and LC skipped on ahead carrying his own perfectly size yellow umbrella. We only went around the block, and there was some whining (from LC), but it was still wonderful. A sweet moment of togetherness.

Yesterday afternoon, we just relaxed and hung out in the front yard. LC played with the girl across the street, Pepperette rode up and down the sidewalk on a hand-me-down riding caterpillar, and Mr. Chili our neighbour and I stood around chatting. It was a gorgeous day. It was a cliched slice of suburban life, I suppose. But it is my cliche and it was wonderful.

Pepperette has been doing all sorts of new things - she can climb the stairs likety-split now. She is very close to walking, which is so much fun to watch. She consistently nods her head for yes and shakes it side to side for no. She is very good at communicating what she wants at mealtime. She doesn't have any teeth yet - almost 15 months old and no teeth. At what point does one start to worry about that? She doesn't really have any distinct words or even sounds that we can associate with objects. A bit of babbling, but that is it. No worries, she's doing just fine.

We're all adjusting to life without Boomer. I really miss him. I constantly see him out of the corner of my eye. I am more confident now that I did the right thing by having him euthanized. We've given away all the cat food and cat litter. It will be a while before we get another pet, I think.

And finally, I am having the worst thrush flareup since last summer. Since I started this diet. I can't figure out what set it off, why it is so severe and how to make it stop. It's okay on the left side, severe on the right. To the point that when I latch Pepperette on the right side I have to bite really hard on my finger so that I don't yell out loud. Having pain somewhere else helps offset the pain in my nipple. My neck and shoulder are wrecked because of the tension everytime she nurses. The only thing I can think that is causing the continued flareup - and I've been dealing with this severity for over a week now - it the spelt bread we were both eating. We ate a lot of it over the time Mr. Chili was gone. It's a sprouted bread, as in non-yeast. It is supposed to be safe for anti-candida diets. I wonder if we just ate too much. I eliminated it from my diet, but it's about the only thing Pepperette will eat for breakfast these days, so she is still eating it. I'm going to eliminate it completely from both our diets and hope that it helps. I am so fucking sick of this.

I am sick of the constant restrictions on what I can and cannot eat. I am tired of trying to introduce new things and getting slammed by a flareup. I am tired of following the restrictions exactly and still having flareups. Whine, whine, whine.

"Why don't you wean Pepperette?" you might ask. Good question. I have thought about it, but never seriously considered it. No, I am not a martyr or a masochist. However, breastfeeding is a really important part of how I want to parent my kids. Also, I nursed LC until he self-weaned at 2.5. I want to offer Pepperette the same opportunity - to nurse until she is ready to stop. Also, I don't know how I would handle early weaning. Not well, I suspect.

For now, I will carry on. Dreading the next nursing session for the pain. Frustrated with the restrictions. Hoping that this will all be worth it.