Three days down, two to go

Mr. Chili is away on a week-long business trip. No biggie for most. But daunting for me: it's the first time he's been away (overnight) since Pepperette was born. I have not managed both kids all on my own for a full week. And LC is very, very attached to daddy these days. Are you sensing fun times ahead? Yeah.

Monday.
We spent most of last week preparing LC for daddy's big trip. Just talking about it, where he was going, that he would call every night, etc. And Monday, when Mr. Chili left, LC was sad for a moment, but moved on pretty quickly. We had an exceptional day on Monday. LC listened, Pepperette was getting over her miserable cold and I was really proud of all of us at the end of the day. I'd score Monday a 9/10.

Tuesday.
Not as good. I asked my parents to help since Tuesday is skating lesson night. My stepfather came, which was really great of him. LC was a little rangy, since the kids didn't go outside due to bad weather that day. No exercise = hyper LC. I managed to get everyone fed, get to skating and not kill anyone. I was so frustrated with LC at a few points. He just wouldn't listen, was running around. And the more he acts up, the more frustrated I get. So instead of maybe stopping for a moment, I keep pushing to try and get us out the door. We ended up being 15 minutes late for a 30 minute lesson. Piss me off. He was calmer after the lesson, though. After we got home, it was pyjamas, snack, stories, bed. All in all, I'd give Tuesday a 6/10.

Wednesday.
(Sensing a trend yet?) Despite getting lots of exercise at school, LC was running around and not listening at casa pickup. Finally get him home, make dinner while my mom watches the kids. Eat dinner. LC is a borderline melting down over small things. Keep the evening moving. Play for a bit after dinner, get both kids in the bath. A few dodgy moments around the bath, but we pull out of it and we're doing okay. Then LC wants a snack before bed. Okay. My mom takes him down. Then I come down with Pepperette and LC is pretty much demanding a full breakfast. Uh, no. I offer a compromise. The melting down begins. It deteriorated into a full tantrum. There ended up being no snack, and only one story at bedtime. There was some hitting, punching, kicking, although much less than in the past. The tantrum took 40+ minutes. By the time he fell asleep, it was almost 9:00pm. That is way past his bedtime, especially when he's already overtired.

I am predicting (and it's probably a self-fulfilling prophecy) that LC will sleep in, be pissy, and be a bear to get out the door to school. I'm going to score today a 3/10.

I am not looking forward to Thursday and Friday.

~~~
I am such a whiner. I know it. My son is in Montessori school 4 days a week. And I am not completely alone this week - I got help from my parents. I needed it. Part of the reason I didn't develop PPD this time around is that I am actually asking for help when I need it. Screw my pride, let's be practical. *sigh* Defensive much? Sorry. I'm really tired.

I cut it all off

I finally got my hair cut. Okay, I was exaggerating. I did not cut it all off. Just a lot of it. It feels so good! I've had long hair since Mr. Chili and I got married in 2002. I hadn't had it cut since February - nine long months ago. It was more than halfway down my back, which in my world, is extremely long.

Now Mr. Chili loves long hair. He loves my hair long. He campaigned long and hard against a dramatic haircut. Even LC got in on the act, protesting.

I decided that if I was going to go the effort of getting it cut, I would really cut it. And do it for a cause too. So I donated my ponytail to the Beautiful Lengths program, which makes wigs for cancer patients from donated hair.

On Saturday, my hair dresser cut about 10 inches of hair. He gave me a stylish new 'do, and I love it. Change is good! Even Mr. Chili and LC like it. Although LC did exclaim, upon seeing me for the first time,
LC: "Mommy, I didn't remember you!"
Me: "Uh, LC, did you mean you don't 'recognize' me?"
LC: "Oh yeah."

Today I mailed the hair to the program. It's a small thing, but it feels good.

LC cuteness

LC has always had surprisingly clear speech for his age. He didn't have many cute made-up or modified words as a toddler. And those he did have, I've forgotten. Dammit. I started blogging so that I could record some of these cute moments, but by the time I get to the computer, I've forgotten.

I do remember that LC used to call strawberries "guppies". It was so damn cute.

He also used to say, "What doing?" instead of "What are you doing?". It was teh cute.

There is only one cute phrase that persists despite all of our efforts to correct: when something is toxic or bad for you, LC refers to it as "hoisonous". It just cracks Mr. Chili and I up. Ya know, poisonous and hoisonous are very close. And you really do have to watch out for that toxic hoisin sauce...

Dealing with Thrush - Conclusions and Resources

This is part 3. Also see part 1 and part 2.



Is the thrush gone?
In a word: no.

It is much better. 9 weeks on this diet with all the other stuff, and it is under control. I still have pain when Pepperette nurses but it is manageable. Sometimes the thrush flares up again, and it takes up to a week to settle down. The latest flareup was because I dared to have cheese in my omlette for dinner. I am so frustrated and so tired of being in pain. I can't complain about it to Mr. Chili because he is fed up too. He doesn't think breastfeeding is worth this much suffering. Which breaks my heart to hear him say. Because I need his support. And I can't stop breastfeeding. I nursed LC (with lots of problems) for 2.5 years. I have to give the same to Pepperette. Giving up would cause me no end of mental anguish.

This diet, this regimen, is tough to maintain. Thanksgiving and Halloween and every single day there is food tempting me. I resist because I remind myself that it's not worth the pain. If I eat that piece of cheese or popcorn, I will pay for it for days. And that keeps me going. I am struggling though. I miss my favourite foods. I am sad about the things I can't eat. I get depressed when I realize that I will likely have to live on this diet for as long as Pepperette is nursing. I can't eat out unless I can custom order my food, and I've learned the hard way that gets screwed up too.

/update on 18-Nov-2007:
I have had the best three days (with respect to thrush) since Peperette was born. Virtually pain-free. Hallelujah, praise the deity of your choice! My nips do get sore by the end of the day, but pretty minor, compared to the past.

What is different?
1) time - I've been on this anti-candida diet for 10 weeks now.
2) eliminating sugar from Peperette's diet. She started to develop thrush symptoms again (red butt, cranky) and I couldn't figure out why, since I've been super-vigilant about my food for over a week now.

The key for us is to be very strict about what both of us eat and to keep up with the supplements. I must remind myself to celebrate this. To stop whining about what I can't eat. Focus instead on the fact that I am healthy and still nursing my baby.
/end update

Good resources:
Dr. Newman's* handouts about thrush (candida). Candida, Gentian Violet, fluconazole.
Kellymom.
*If you don't know who Dr. Jack Newman is, you should find out. He's a world-renowned expert on breastfeeding who runs a breastfeeding clinic in the Toronto area. He doesn't know everything (who does?) but he knows a hell of a lot. His website is here.

Struggling

So I've been struggling with the thrush and diet thing. A lot. I'm doing okay, but it is really frustrating to have such a limited diet. I haven't had a chai in over nine weeks. I miss basic stuff like bread. And Halloween candy. I know it's not worth cheating - Pepperette and I will both pay dearly if I do. I put cheese in our omelet the other day and paid for it for a week with a flare-up of pain. Now the thrush is pretty good, not gone, but as good as it's been in eight months. And still I find myself missing all the food I can't eat. I am also heartily sick of cooking every freaking meal I eat. What I wouldn't do for someone to cook for me!



Why am I still breastfeeding if it's caused so much pain? So many reasons.

1. I survived 10 months of on and off thrush pain with LC. I can survive it again.


2. I nursed LC until he self-weaned at 2.5 years . I have to do the same for Pepperette.


3. When the pain is low, nursing is wonderful. Knowing that my body makes this milk especially for her, watching her drink, knowing that it's so good for her.


4. It's not just for nutrition now, but for comfort too.


5. Quitting (especially when the thrush was the worst, around August) would have crushed me. I would not have been able to let myself off the hook.

I went to my local La Leche League meeting this week. And I'll be at another breastfeeding support group on Friday. I go to give and receive support. It helps reinforce to me why I'm doing this and why it's so important.

My name is Chili and I'm a lactivist.

Dealing with Thrush - Treatment

This is part 2. Continued from part 1. See also part 3.


How do I treat thrush?
I followed Dr. Newman's protocol with both babies as soon as I realized I had thrush. For LC, it took: two rounds of gentian violet, a number of rounds of fluconazole, constant use of Dr. Newman's all-purpose nipple ointment (APNO) and stopping my iron supplement to get rid of the thrush. It took more than 10 months to fully resolve. The pain was toe-curling at time. I would put off nursing LC because it hurt so much. My husband hated watching me scream and cry and stomp my feet because it hurt so much. Another cause of the thrush was that LC opened up a large crack in my left nipple that just wouldn't heal. It wouldn't heal because there was candida present, and the candida was there because there was a crack. What you call a vicious cycle.

For Pepperette, I recognized the thrush much sooner. But she (re)opened up the same crack in my left nipple. And this time has been much worse in some ways because I have treated it so much more aggressively, and it just won't fucking go away. Here is what I've done so far:

6 weeks to 6 months:

• Gentian violet (5 rounds of 4-7 days each). It helps, then flares up within a week of stopping.
• Grapefruit seed extract (GSE) pills (2 pills, 3-4 x daily). (See Newman's protocol for specifics.)
• Strong probiotic (3 x daily)
• Grapefruit seed extract liquid (mixed with water, swabbed on nipples after nursing)
• APNO (after nursing)
• APNO with ibuprofen for pain relief (after nursing)
• Fluconazole (dosing per Newman's protocol). Took two rounds of it, the second round for 8 weeks. Helped control the thrush, never cured it.

6 months and beyond:

• Saw a naturopath. Started taking a number of homeopathics in addition to GSE pills, probiotics, GSE liquid, APNO.
• Started a very strict anti-candida diet. Purpose is to eliminate all possible sources of sugar and anything that will promote candida growth.
  

Anti-candida diet details:

• No sugar, honey, maple syrup, artificial sweetener, etc.
• Nothing fermented. No alcohol, vinegar, yeast etc.
• No white flour, white rice.
• No to cheese, milk, etc.
• No to roasted nuts
• No to canned tuna, canned meat. No to lunch meats. No to preservatives.
• No to chips, popcorn
• Yes to meat (chicken, fish, beef, etc.)
• Yes to eggs
• Yes to all veggies except corn
• Yes to limited amounts of apples, blueberries, pears. No to other fruit, especially dried fruit.
• Yes to brown rice, original ryvita crackers, oatcakes (oats, shortening and salt), rice cakes
• Yes to unsweetened yogurt, cottage cheese
• Yes to raw nuts, raw nut butter
• Yes to cooking with vegetable oils, limited amounts of butter
• Yes to seasoning with sea salt, fresh cracked pepper, Braggs all-purpose seasoning (a non-fermented soy sauce alternative), lemon juice
• After six weeks hard-core, you can add cheese and other fruits back into your diet. I have not been able to do this without causing a flareup.

Anti-candida diet for baby:

• probiotics can be given to baby. Break open a capsule, wet finger and dip in probiotic powder. Allow the baby to suck on the finger. Do this twice a day for 5-7 days.
• no sugar in diet! I had started giving Peperette snack crackers (like Baby MumMums - a sweetened rice cracker and gluten-free animal crackers*). Both of these have sugar. Her bottom started to get red and she got crankier. I eliminated these crackers, and voila, our thrush symptoms are gone.
• Pepperette eats pretty much what I eat, just in pureed form. Brown rice cereal, brown rice pasta, oatmeal, pureed chicken and turkey, pureed veggies (carrots, sweet potato, cauliflower, broccoli, etc.), pureed fruit (apple, pear, banana, etc.).

* Since Peperette is at risk of developing a wheat allergy (like I had as a child), we are not introducing wheat until she is about two.

What the hell do you eat?
Good question.

Breakfast:

• steel cut oats with unsweetened applesauce or blueberries or unsweetened almond milk
• shredded wheat cakes crumbled with unsweetened almond milk
• and that's about it
  

Snacks:

• raw apple
• raw almond butter on rice cakes or oatcakes
• humus on ryvita crackers
• humus with raw veggies (carrots, red pepper, green pepper, celery, cauliflower)
• cottage cheese with cinnamon and raw slivered almonds
• whole raw almonds
  

Lunch/dinner:

• omlette or boiled egg
• chicken, brown rice, steamed broccoli
• brown rice pasta, organic pasta sauce (sometimes add beans or ground meat to sauce)
• mini meatloafs with brown rice, eggs, onion, garlic, tomato paste, herbs
• mashed potatoes made with bit of butter and chicken stock. Can also use cooking water
• salad with vinaigrette of lemon juice and olive oil
• pan fried salmon sprinkled with lemon juice, veggies, brown rice
• stir-fry with garlic, onion, ginger, broccoli, snow peas, zucchini, mushrooms, chicken on brown rice w/Braggs
• pork medallions with applesauce, veggie
• roast pork or roast beef

Running (or should I say jogging very slowly?)

I finally started running again. Running is a serious overstatement of what I am doing. I'm following a 10km running program that gradually builds up distance and time. And this time back, I don't care that I'm slow. I am just happy to be moving again. I don't realize how much I miss running until I start again. I feel better mentally and physically. Forgive me if I sound "holier than thou", sometimes cliches are based in truth.

I started running in 1997. I worked my way from lump-on-the-couch up to 5km, then 10km. Then I decided I wanted to run a marathon. So in 2000, I trained and ran my marathon. It really hurt. I was very slow. But I finished in 4h39m. And I will always be proud of that. I decided after that marathon training is just too demanding. It's not the race, it's the training that takes over your life. And I just haven't ever had that burning urge to do another one. So I've stuck with half marathons as my longest race since.

I stopped running in 2003 when I got pregnant and had a threatened miscarriage. I didn't start again until LC was seven months old in 2004. It was a long, slow ramp up after LC too. After a frustrating false start, I signed up with the Running Room and did their Learn to Run clinic. It was a great way to get started again. I met some great women and continued on with them to the half marathon clinic, where I trained for and ran the Las Vegas half marathon in 2005. It was a great race - not so much my time, but the overall experience. Training for the Las Vegas race really helped me regain my mental health and climb out of the pit of PPD.

Post-Pepperette, I am using this program. I don't have the time to go to my local Running Room store right now. With two kids, it's challenging to carve out the time. Whereas LC hated the jogging stroller and screamed after 20 minutes, Pepperette is pretty good and generally naps in it. I've been getting out with a good mom friend of mine when both of our older kids are in school, and we take the babies out in her double stroller, taking turns pushing it. It just feels damn good to be doing something good for me.

Tomorrow is Week 5, run 2. Warm up 5 min walking. Run 2, walk 1, 8 times. Cool down 5 min walking. Should be good.

Bedtime. Bye.

Dealing with Thrush - Symptoms

This is part 1. Also see part 2 and part 3.

I want to write a comprehensive post about my ongoing struggle with thrust/yeast/candida/whatever-you-want-to-call it. I had better make it a multi-part post or it will take forever.


I'm going to try a FAQ format.

What are the other names for thrush?
Yeast, candida overgrowth, etc.

What is thrush?
An overgrowth of candida albicans. Candida exists normally in our bodies, but causes problems when it takes over the healthy stuff in our guts. (Yeah, real technical discussion, I know. I'm definitely not a doctor, just a mom.) Candida loves moist, warm environments. So if you're a nursing mom, especially if you have any nipple trauma (scratches, abrasions, etc.) you're more likely to develop thrush.

For some people, overgrowth of candida causes vaginal yeast infections. For others, they don't notice anything. For a nursing mom, thrush can cause terrible nipple pain. For the nursing baby, thrush can make the tongue appear white and white patches in the mouth.


What does thrush feel like?
Every mom I've talked to about thrush has different symptoms. Some mom's have symptoms but no pain. (I wish!)

Here are my symptoms:

• Pain when baby latches. As it progresses, there is pain when latching, during nursing and after nursing.
• In between nursing sessions, deep burning pain in breast, like knives stabbing.
• Nipples and aureoles bright red
• Nipples and aureoles have flaking skin
• Vaginal itching (occasional)
• This may be the effect of chronic pain, but I get more irritable, down (depressed), and generally feel like I'm functioning in a fog.

Baby's symptoms:

• My babies have never shown traditional symptoms. They do not have the typical white-coated tongue and white patches in their mouth.
• Both babies get a diaper rash. Not a typical rash, in my opinion. The skin around the anus gets very red and irritated. No bumps, skin in smooth, just red.
• Pepperette gets fussy when the thrush is bad. I don't know if she's physically uncomfortable or it's because my pain is inhibiting the milk flow.

RED FLAG: if breastfeeding has been going well up to now, and you have sudden onset of symptoms, get help!

What should I avoid in order to minimize my chances of developing thrush? / What are some of the triggers for developing thrush?
These things may increase you chances of developing thrush:

• If you take antibiotics, especially if you are treated for being group b strep positive (GBS+) during/after labour
• DON'T take an iron supplement. After LC was born, I took Floravit, a natural iron supplement to help with my chronic (mild) anemia. Turns out that extra iron provides a lovely environment for yeast growth. Try to get your iron from food sources (red meat, dark green veggies).
• If you have any trauma to your nipples - scratches, cracks, dryness - watch for onset of symptoms. Treat aggressively right away. Don't suffer and hope it will go away.
• DON'T use lanolin (i.e. Lansinoh). For a variety of reasons, it can promote yeast overgrowth.

(Updated to fix formatting. Stupid template.)

Definitely not participating in NaBloPoMo

I thought about participating in NaBloPoMo. Really, I did. I've found that the longer I go without posting, the harder it is to overcome the inertia. I have so much to say, some of it possibly interesting, some of it banal. Yet I haven't posted in months because I've either been struggling so much that I couldn't summon the energy to post or been feeling good enough that all I want is to start catching up on all the stuff I am so woefully behind in.

Here are some bullets of catching up.

• Pepperette is now eight months old. The cliche is true - babyhood goes by so much faster the second time. She is lovely and very smiley. She is also healthy so far - no bladder infections (LC got sick around 3 months). She is small, like LC was, but his time I'm not getting a hard time from the doctor about it. Hey, someone has to be in the second percentile...
• Chronic thrush is a bitch. I am still struggling with pain while nursing, which is better than the constant toe-curling pain I had before. What is finally working is a combination of supplements, homeopathics and an incredibly restrictive diet that eliminates all sources of sugar. If I deviate at all from the routine, it flares right back up. I am so beyond frustrated by this.
• Pain from thrush has been the single thing that brought me closest to developing PPD. But I haven't.
• The other upside to this incredibly limited diet? When you can only eat good stuff (veggies, limited fruit, plain meat), and no processed food and no crap, you're bound to lose weight. I have lost about 20 pounds since the end of August. I'm now at 3 pounds below my pre-Pepperette weight, within 7 pounds of my pre-LC weight. It feels good to have my body sorta back.
• LC turned four in the fall. Wow. I have a four year old. Overall, I am loving four - fewer tantrums, better listening, etc. It feels like all the work is starting to pay off. He (sometimes) has good manners, will stop when asked, eats a ton, is learning so much at montessori.
• Mr. Chili had a significant birthday just before LC's. 4*cough*0. He doesn't care about birthdays or celebrating them, but I do, so on the day, he played golf with his friends, came home for late dinner, got his presents from us. Then I had a small surprise party with two of his best friends and their spouses and offspring. (Total of six adults and five kids five and under.) Mr. Chili was surprised and, I believe, had a great time.
• I have finally gotten my tired ass out the door and resumed running. I'm taking it slowly, doing run/walk sets. Did I mention very slowly? Oh well - it really does feel good to be out there three times a week. Pepperette has been really good in the jogging stroller. It is much more of a workout to push the darned thing.

I started this post in the wee hours of Friday morning. It's Sunday evening, Mr. Chili has Pepperette and LC is asleep. I had better post now before another couple of months go by. I wrote it on my Palm LifeDrive, but couldn't login to blogger from the damn thing. Frustrating! It takes for freaking ever to tap out an entry. But writing while nursing seems to the only way to get time to write.

Back in the land of the semi-functioning

Oh wow. Has it really been four months since I last posted? *gulp*

I’m writing this in Word, on a dodgy laptop (reason #27 why I haven’t posted). I haven’t even logged into Blogger to see if it remembers me.

Speaking of lists…here’s a summary of what’s been happening at Casa Chili. I’d like to write full posts on most of these soon. I hope.

• The baby - hereby known by her bloggy nickname of “Pepperette” - is now five months old. Incroyable. Time is flying by. Insert annoying cliché here. It’s true though!
• Pepperette took seven weeks to fully come to the breast. She is exclusively breastfed. It took a lot of work and a lot of determination. It was an incredibly slow, organic process.
• Breastfeeding, or more precisely the problems I have/had with breastfeeding, were what brought me closest to developing PPD.
• This is why I saw the shrink for four months post-partum.
• I would happily run my pump over with my car at this point.
• No PPD here. Not a happy accident either – it’s due to planning, good psychiatric care, supportive friends and family, etc. And maybe a bit of luck.
• LC is going to be four years old soon. He is doing so well. Very articulate, very active. Tantrums have diminished, thank goodness. He challenges me every day.
• Part of the reason I am still (semi-)sane is that LC is going to Montessori summer camp 3 days a week. He’s loving it. Each week has a theme. Last week was animals, this week was magic. There is a themed craft, a visit/show/demonstration – this week was a magic show, natch.
• Surprisingly, I am not suffering much parental guilt about sending my kid away when I am at home on maternity leave.
• Add to the list of things I never thought I’d say – looking after only one child is a break. Although I have to say that only one is draining when that one is constantly nursing and not napping.
• Speaking of nursing, recurrent thrush really sucks. I have been dealing with constant pain while nursing. I am so tired of this. I suffered from chronic thrush with LC too. I’m treating it much more aggressively this time, but it just will not go away. I can get the pain down to a 2/10, never less than that, and when it flares up it ratchets up to an 8. It’s exhausting and demoralizing.
• On the plus side, Pepperette is gaining well. She grins like a maniac and is *this close* to laughing.
• Having a healthy baby (and a healthy momma) makes such a difference. I am actually enjoying my daughter’s babyhood. I am present in my life and the lives of my family. I am so grateful for this.

It's taken me most of the day to write this. I'd best post this now and get some sleep.

'Night.

April Fool's (cont'd)

[Continued from previous post, as my mobile web browser apparently has a max number of characters allowed. Grrrrr.]

I have to remind myself that it's still better than with LC. I'm generally coping better, and I think she's a more mellow baby. But I'm still pissed off/frustrated that I'm 0/2 for latching babies. She is almost one month old, and here I am, still tied to the f'n pump.

I believe at I am still hanging onto my sanity, managing to keep myself from sliding down that slippery slope into that dark, warm and familiar pit. I've got an appointment with the post-partum psychiatrist next week. On one hand I want her to agree that I'm doing great and don't need to come back. On the other hand, I'm terrified that she'll let me go, PPD will suddenly set in, and no one will be there to help me. Not espcially likely or rational, but it's haunting me.

April Fool's

[Written yesterday, but no time to post.]

Any April Fool's jokes/pranks played on you? Me neither. Might be speaking prematurely, since it's only 4:11 pm, but I'm pretty confident that the universe is content with my current hellish existence.

Okay. I'm exaggerating. It's not that bad. But today it feels like that. M is still not fully at the breast - she latches up to five or six times per 24 hours. Only on the right breast. Never on the left. So my days are fully consumed with a neverending cycle of cup feeding (no atificial nipples here, just can't do it), latch attempt (sometimes successful), pump, change diaper, pause, repeat. Somtimes she naps in there, and I get to spend some time with LC or do a load of laundry or maybe even pee... M is a pretty good sleeper, but like most babies in my experience, she sleeps best on me. So often, shortly after I carefully put her down, deeply asleep, she starts to sqwak, quickly escalating to screaming. But I have to finish pumping. Its brutal. It's hard to watch her looking for me and not be able to pick her up, even though it's only for ten minutes.

Yet I have to remind myself that this is huge progress. And my supply is better this time. The funny thing is that I don't remember exactly when LC was fully at the breast. Six weeks is what sticks in my brain, but I know it was gradual process for him, where he started latching more and more often around six weeks. I think I don't want to remember the details. They are all caught up in the PPD fog that swamped my brain for ten plus months.

...to be continued...
(Stupid mobile browser won't let me post the rest of this entry. Grrrrrr....I won't even tell you ow long this has taken to post.)

Happy 1st blogiversary to me!

Please pardon any typos and incoherence. I'm writing (tapping) on my Palm LifeDrive with a dozing baby on my chest, under the influence of extreme sleep deprivation.

This is going to be a lame-ass post. But at least I'm throwing somthing up to acknowledge this *ahem* momentous occasion. I'm not in the same leagues as the bloggers I read daily. And that's okay - as I've said before, I still regard this as a great forum for cheap therapy.

On this day, March 27, 2007:
- LC had a good day at school, was gentle with his sister, listened to us and went to bed early
- M is 24 days old (I should really stop counting in days now - it's lame). She is beautiful. She is still not latching -much. But she is making progress. And thanks to the wonders of cup-feeding, she has reached her birth weight! I am still disappointed to be struggling again with breastfeeding, but am gradually believing that she will latch and we will enjoy a long nursing relationship.
- On a related note, I still hate my pump. But I am so very pleased that my supply is better this time. No supplementation required here,baby!
- Despite a few bad days (um really bad), I just might escape PPD ths time. Got another appt with the shrink next week. (Cool - I've neve had a shrink before...)
- Mr. Chili is still awesome

And if I don't save and post this now, I won't get it up by midnight.

Trying mobile blogging

Wonderful Mr. Chili bought me a Palm LifeDrive for my birthday in Jan. I've had other Palm devices in the past - this one does so much more! lt has bluetooth and wireless, a web browser and allows me to access all my email and instant messenger. It's freaking awesome!! Especially since I no longer have my laptop (had to give it back when they laid me off, which was a month after I started my mat leave).

Going to save this, then try to post. ThenI must go wake up the baby - she's been sleeping way too long.

She's here!

Still trying to get our shit together here...(and I was resisting the forced conversion to the new Blogger.)

On Saturday, March 3rd at 6:50pm, M-------- K--- O------ was born at home. (Yeah, sorry, that's as close to her full name as you'll get.) She weighed 7lbs even. She had some problems breathing, but is doing fine now. Big brother LC has been very gentle with his new sister. (I won't talk about the rest of his behaviour. Let's say he's been challenging, shall we?)

She's 18 days old. She's very beautiful. The birth was a pretty amazing experience. The breastfeeding? Sucks - or rather doesn't. We are having very much the same problems that I had with LC. But we got through it with LC, and will do it with Miss M too.

So far am managing to keep PPD at bay, but it's too early to say I'm out of the woods yet. Still have lots of risk factors, yada, yada.

More later. Must go pump (f'n pump) and then cup feed, then hopefully a few hours sleep before we do it again...and again...and again.

Did I mention she's beautiful? Yeah.

PPD - Am I nuts to do this again?

Really, it's a bit late to be changing my mind...but the question is still valid.

Almost finished reading a really good book about having a baby after experiencing PPD. (Full disclosure: the only PPD-related book I read.) The book is called, "What Am I Thinking?", subtitled, "Having a baby after postpartum depression". The author is Karen Kleiman.


She has also written a couple of other PPD-related books, "This Isn't What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression" (bought but not read yet) and "The Postpartum Husband: Practical Solutions for Living with Postpartum Depression".

It's a short read, 146 pages, and written in an easy-to-read style. I found myself nodding in response to many of the sections the author wrote about - from what PPD felt like, to things that people said that did and did not help, to the decision to "do it all again".*

There are some good worksheets that the author suggests completing - some intended for you, some for your therapist, some for you to your post-partum self, some for your spouse/partner, etc. I'm going to be working on some in the next day or two and will share them.

* Quoting Emily's blog "Doing it all again" - a great read about parenting, life, and PPD.

LC's birth story

[Note: now that the arrival of PB is imminent, I thought I would post LC's birth story. Context, context, as Mr. Chili is always reminding me.]

It all started on January 17th, 2003. Kidding! Not going to go back to conception!

Saturday, September 20th 2003 was Mr. Chili's 36th birthday. I had planned a nice day for us. I was 37w2d pregnant, and feeling pretty good, all in all. We got up bright and early, stopped by the Tim Horton's for breakfast-to-go and then to the park for a walk with the dog. Cosmo had a great romp in the conservation area and we met up with lots of other dog owners. Did normal Saturday stuff, then headed downtown to see a movie and dinner. We knew it would be one of our last date nights for a while. We had a lovely evening.

While we were getting ready for bed, Mr. Chili joked that it was too bad the baby wouldn't be born on his birthday. Daddy & baby with the same birthday. Har har - I pretended to be disappointed, but was also relieved. After all, I still had a week left at work and really wanted my at least one or two days off work before the baby arrived.

Sunday was a great day. We took Cosmo for a run at the Rouge park and ate breakfast from Tims (yum). Then we headed to our childbirth class. Had an enjoyable class. The funny part is that we were chatting with Shannon (the instructor) and she said she had a good feeling that all of us were going to make it to the classes, that no one was going to go early. I was third in line, so to speak, to give birth. Famous last words! On our way home from class, we picked up few groceries on the way home and met MIL at home.

We had a delicious late lunch of bbqued ribs and corn with MIL. She was so excited to see my belly and so excited that her first grandchild was almost here. She took a picture of my big belly and ooh and aaahed over the baby's stroller and carseat with the teddy bear and a bib that said "I Love my Grandma". We spent what was left of the day working on things around the house. I think Mr. Chili was doing caulking on the exterior. I decided to assemble the vibrating/bouncing/rocking chair that we received as a shower present from friends. Later in the evening we watched Sunday night football in bed. I decided that we should put the pack & play together. We struggled with the instructions a little bit, but eventually got it assembled. (Yes, in hindsight, you could say that I was nesting.)

The baby's position in utero had been on my mind a lot. I knew that s/he was head down (good), but facing sideways. What they call "right occipital posterior". So when you go into labour, depending on how things happen, you can have a longer, more painful labour and a lot of back labour. Oh joy. I knew that this was going to be tough enough. I didn't need to have that as a concern too. I'd done a lot of reading about it and we had even covered it in our childbirth classes. I found out around 20w that the baby was facing this way and my stubborn child hadn't changed at all in the subsequent weeks. I had been sitting forward as much as possible, sitting on an exercise ball in the evenings at home and sleeping on my side with my legs positioned just so to help. Anything to encourage the baby to turn.

So that evening while we were watching football, it felt like the baby was really moving around. I mentioned it to Mr. Chili and he suggested I get into a yoga position called table pose to encourage the baby to turn. I was tired and grumpy and muttered about it for a while, but decided to take his advice. I spent about 10 minutes on my hands and knees, muttering the entire time. When I got back into bed I tried to feel what position the baby was in. To my amateur hands, it felt like the baby had turned. But really, what did I know? I'm hardly a professional.

Mr. Chili had fallen asleep and I stayed up watching the football game. It wasn't even that exciting, I just didn't want to go to sleep yet. I finally turned out the light around 11:30pm. A few minutes after I turned out the light, I felt this gush of fluid. My first thought was that my water had broken. Then I scoffed and thought that it couldn't be. I hauled myself out of bed and shuffled off to the bathroom. There was a serious amount of fluid - well, not that much - but more than if I had wet myself. I felt really excited, giddy almost. And I could hear our childbirth instructor saying, "don't wake up your husband if your water breaks in the middle of the night. It's going to be a while. Let him get some sleep. Otherwise you'll both be too excited and he's going to need the rest." So after waiting a whole minute, I told Mr. Chili that I thought my water had broken. He started awake and was excited too. I was still in semi-denial. We decided that we were too excited to sleep and that we should pack my hospital bag. Yep, that's right, we hadn't done that yet. I mean, I was 37 weeks, I still had time. Lots of time. Even though my water had broken, it would be hours before things got started!

We started laying things out for the bag. Mr. Chili went downstairs and put the carseat in the car, along with the instruction manual. We hadn't installed the car seat yet. Mr. Chili decided that he would do it while I was in the hospital, there would be time then. I started to lay things out. I also started to have contractions. Which had started sooner than I expected, I remember thinking. Geek that I am, I got out my handheld organizer and started the labour timing program. I started to time my contractions. They were 7-10 minutes apart and relatively short in duration. Within a short period of time, they were happening every five minutes and getting more intense. I was having to pause during contractions and concentrate. I was also losing my mucous plug - gross! (Oh and some diarrehea too. Gotta clean out the ole bod.)

I think we paged the midwives for the first time around 1:30 or 2:00am. Things were getting more serious and we wanted to know what to do. We paged Laurie first. She sounded tired and slightly annoyed. We had misread the schedule and she wasn't the primary midwife on-call yet - it was still Valerie. Ooops. So we paged Valerie. Valerie didn't sound too concerned. I could still talk through the contractions, although they were definitely 5 minutes or less apart and getting more intense. She said to page back if they got more serious or if I started feeling the urge to push. I was managing the contractions fairly well mostly on all fours, sometime leaning over. Mr. Chili was paging through the manual from our class, trying to find the coaching techniques to use. Poor guy was about a stage of labour behind.

Within half an hour, I was in the bathroom, on all fours, throwing up into a garbage can. I remember thinking that this must be transition. And also thinking that this was happening way too fast. I mean, really, I was 37 weeks. This was not supposed to be happening yet. I hadn't even finished work yet!

Mr. Chili paged Valerie again. Valerie asked if I was feeling the urge to push. I yelled/panted between contractions that I was starting to feel the urge to push. I was not nearly that coherent, though. I was panting and yelling pretty loudly. Not happy and in a lot of pain. I think I started to realize that we probably weren't going to make it to the hospital at this point. I said that to Mr. Chili, he said we could still go, and I said that there was no way I was going to be able to handle a car ride at this point. Valerie said she was on her way, and would be about an hour.

Things started to get very intense and very painful. I ended up on the bed, on my side, and was really feeling the urge to push. It was sometime after 3:00am, and things were really intense. Okay, intense is so much an understatement. Mr. Chili was being wonderfully supportive, when I could hear him. It was getting really tough. The one thing I really remembered from our childbirth classes was to put my head up and pant when I felt the urge to push. I was doing this and groaning and screaming. I know that I screamed and pretty loudly at some points because my voice was hoarse afterwards. I had no idea I could make that much noise, and I wasn't even really aware of what I was doing.

I was beginning to think that Valerie, Laurie and the student, Heather were never going to arrive. Mr. Chili was trying to tend to me, tend to the dog and watch for the midwives. Finally Valerie arrived at 3:30am with a police escort! She had never been to our house and was trying to find it in the dark, reading a map. I guess she appeared to be driving erratically, so a police car followed her for a while and followed her to our house. When she got out of the car, she explained that she was a midwife and was visiting a client. Likely the policeman heard me yelling! Of course I was unaware of this, just the quick updates that Mr. Chili told me when I was getting really scared that the midwives were never coming.

Valerie scooted upstairs and was quickly examining me. I don't remember her saying this but the she said to Mr. Chili that we were not going anywhere - I was fully dilated and ready to push. Shortly afterwards Laurie arrived, followed by Heather. The three of them spent a few frantic moments setting up materials, stripping down the bed, replacing the sheets with a shower curtain and garbage bags and getting ready for the arrival of our baby. I was only vaguely aware of these things. It was all I could do to get through each contraction. When Valerie told me that it was time to push I was glad at first. Then it hurt even more. I was yelling - unproductively - screaming, really. They had to talk to me, get me to calm down and grunt/groan instead. I was at the breaking point, not really believing that this was really going to happen. I was crying and saying, "I can't do this" over and over. Mr. Chili kept telling me how amazing I was and how much he loved me. Then Valerie told me that I could feel the head if I reached down. I tried but couldn't feel anything. I honestly thought they were just feeding me a line, that the baby wasn't really that close to being born. The midwives kept checking the baby's heartrate, monitoring to make sure that s/he was tolerating labour well enough. Then the baby's heartrate dropped. Not too badly, I think, but enough that they were concerned. So they told me to just push, push, push. No more controlled pushing, to ease s/he out. Nope. Just huge, long, screaming pushes. Again, I was screaming and they had to get me to focus. I was scared in a part of my mind, but most of me just wanted to get this over with! So I pushed and felt the baby's head emerge. Mr. Chili was on his knees by my side, watching. The rest of the baby's body just slid out on the next contraction.

They clamped the cord and immediately lay him down on my abdomen. The baby was grayish/purplish in colour and was limp for just a moment. Then we heard this quiet little cough, followed by his first shuddering breath. It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard.

Mr. Chili was on his knees next to me and we both gazed at our baby, still in shock that s/he was here. After a few minutes of rapt staring, we asked the midwives, "What is it?", "Look for yourselves", Valerie said. So we peeked under the towel and saw that we had a beautiful baby boy.

The delivery of the placenta happened next - I barely noticed it, I was just in awe of this tiny life lying on my belly.

The really-not-fun part happened next- I had torn a lot and deeply since we were in such a hurry to get LC out. So Mr. Chili took LC into the nursery and sat with him while the midwives stitched me up. Ouch, ouch and more ouch. I probably screamed more during this part than during labour. Tough call which was worse. I know that it took longer than the entire pushing part of my labour.

By the time everything was tidied up, it was about 8:30am. Mr. Chili, the baby and I dozed (after all, he didn't have a name yet) for a bit. Then we started calling our families. It was pretty fun to tell people that LC had put in an early and unexpected experience, at home too! I know that everyone I talked to was shocked and thought we were kidding at first. Nope, not a joke. He was definitely here.

So water breaking to birth was about four hours. And I was holding off pushing before the midwives arrived. I'm certain that LC would have arrived sooner if I hadn't done the panting thing - and been in denial!

Funny anecdote: later in the evening, our neighbour from across the street walking over, knocked on the door and handed Mr. Chili a bottle of wine, looking slightly sheepish, saying, "Congratulations." Mr. Chili accepted, and wandered back to the table, wondering how our neighbour knew that I'd had the baby already. We learned months later that our window had been open, and our bedroom faces the street, his window had been open too and apparently his wife is a light sleeper. So basically she heard me screaming... Not too embarassing that....
~~~
It will be interesting to see how PB's birth story goes. Little bugger is already insisting on being different - coming relatively late!

Still here, still pregnant

Whooda thunk it?

• I'm one day shy of 39w. Two weeks further than I made it with LC. I really, really did not expect to still be pregnant. Don't know how to feel about the fact that I still am.
• I stopped working two weeks ago. And LC is still in montessori school. I feel a bit guilty about that, but have really been enjoying this precious time to get things done. I feel really ready for this baby now. I guess it balances out my experience with LC, where I still had a week left at work when he was born.
• I'm getting scared about how big this baby is going to be. But I know we'll be fine. I know this is selfish, but dammit, I don't want to be pregnant much longer. We are all ready to meet this baby now.
• Murphy's law says that because I stopped working at 36.5w, I will end up having this baby late. Oh geesh, I really, really hope not.
• I have three to six good contractions every day - the kind that make me pause and think, "Oh crap. This is what it's all about. How could I have forgotten how much fun this is going to hurt?". But they never develop into any pattern.
• My midwives are going to be very surprised to see me tomorrow morning for my weekly appointment. They really thought I would deliver around 37w again. Hah! They are at least as excited as we are about my labour - making sure I understand to page RIGHT AWAY if I think I might be in labour. It's fun having a history of precipitous labour - make the midwives really anxious.
• Mr. Chili and I have spent no small amount of time planning out what to do in the event that things go too quickly and the midwives don't make it. We have a plan in place and feel pretty good with it. We're planners, Mr. Chili and me. Especially me.
• I'm still feeling really good. Quite mobile and agile. I don't have as much stamina, and get winded coming up the stairs or whatever, but really, feel quite fit. I am getting huge, but feel like it's mostly my big belly. Mr. Chili will glance at my belly and get this shocked expression on his face - it's pretty hilarious.
• Got pregnancy portraits taken last week. I hope they turn out well. I did this with LC and was quite happy to have them - not glamorous, and I didn't look great - but I wanted to capture myself pregnant with LC and PB, warts-and-all. I have three prints of my LC session framed, but have never hung them. Now we'll wait until we get the proofs from this pg, and get two or three framed, then hang them all together in our bedroom.
  

Next up - more on PPD. Found a really good book about having a baby after PPD. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this topic lately.

My son has a hair fetish.

(Or maybe I should change that title so I don't get any weird search hits...)

Pretty much since LC was born, he has always reached up to put his hand on the nape of my neck and tangle his hand in my hair. Even when he was a newborn and not coordinated enough to do it on purpose, one hand was always reaching for my hair while nursing.

Honestly? By about six months it was driving me batty by the end of the day. At the beginning of the day it was cute and sweet. By the end of the day, I was usually a leeeetle touched out and felt like screaming "get your hand out of my fireplacing hair!"

As LC grew and got older, many things changed - how often he nursed, the position he nursed in, where he nurse, etc. But one thing stayed constant - his desire - no - unconscious instinct to reach for my hair.

Once he had enough words, he started demanding, "Hair!" at bedtime. Even (especially?) after he'd weaned, he would say, "Hair, please." And I'd move closer, lying next to him and he would tangle his fist in my hair.

He's 3 and some months old now. And he still reaches for my hair at bedtime if I'm there. If it's Mr. Chili doing the bedtime routine, sometimes there will be tears when he wants my hair and it's not there. Mr. Chili has tried offering his hair, but no one else's will do. "It's too short", LC says. And if LC is upset/sad/tired/frustrated, and I pick him up, he'll instinctively reach for the hair.

I remember sitting in the nursing chair when he was about a year old and realizing that I was going to miss the closeness - that my complaints to Mr. Chili about wanting his hand OUT OF MY HAIR were going to change, some day, to missing that hand. Turns out I haven't complained about missing it much. LC has not outgrown his desire to have his hand in my hair. And I love it. It a comfort that only I can provide. And you know what? That feels pretty good.

Sometimes this mommy gig is pretty sweet.

[Will try to find a pic demonstrating the hair grab, but can't find any pics on this computer's HD. It'd help if we could manage to organize our pics...]

Grumpy

I don't remember this stuff from my pg with LC. Or was in such denial/depression already that I didn't notice it?

All I know is that yesterday I was especially:
1. Short on patience w/LC
and everyone else. But especially LC. Who really wasn't trying my patience more than usual. He was just being a normal 3 year old. I just had no ability to deflect/distract/cajole/whatever from LC's antics and famous not-listening (aka ignoring) skills.

I completely lacked the ability to laugh at myself tonight too.

2. Tired
At the end of the work day, and I didn't work all that hard (mentally or physically), I was exhausted. I got in my car, drove home and thought, "Man, am I tired."

And I had the best (and longest) sleep the night before. Best sleep in ages.

~~
So after dinner, I asked/told Mr. Chili that I needed to go out and run some errands. And I did. I had a coat on hold for LC (bought a size 3, decided a 4 would be better, needed to exchange). Also needed to pick up an anniversary gift for Mr. Chili. And a card.

I can't believe how lame the anniversary cards are. Blah, blah, mush, blah. Finally settled on a card, figuring it's what I write that counts, not the card. Cannot think of a good wood-based gift (the traditional 5th wedding anniversary gift), so I bought him a new Xbox 360 game and plan to tape a toothpick to it... Sneaky, eh?

Also bought a present for LC from his new baby brother or sister. Got him a new Playmobil set - a police van. Should buy us some hours of entertainment, I hope.

~~
The grumpiness reminds me of my old PMS struggles. I know I'm being a b_tch/not reacting normally/etc., but I can't seem to stop myself. Ah well, so long as it doesn't last, I'm sure Mr. Chili and LC will forgive me.

I hope tomorrow is a less grumpy day.

Moments of LC cuteness

LC woke up in a good mood this morning. We all had a good sleep.

He said, "I'm going to be the big brother. And baby is going to be my sister (1). We'll call her Lisa-baby. (2)"

Then he leaned over, pulled up my pyjama top and planted a huge raspberry (3) on my belly.

Teh cute! (4)

Notes:
(1) LC usually says the baby going to be a boy. And that he wants a brother. No, we didn't find out the gender during our ultrasounds. We like surprises.
(2) No matter whether he says it's a boy or a girl, his choice of names is "Lisa-baby". We have a good friend named Lisa, we're guessing it's a tribute to her. The real Lisa is pretty tickled.
(3) As in "thhhbbbppppt". See here.
(4) "Teh", variation on "the". Commonly seen at Phantom's place. Now also defined in Wikipedia. (Cool!)

Other moments:
We've not been pushing the idea of the new baby too much with LC, just letting him think about it. And he's been talking more and more about the new baby. Cute stuff like while on the potty, he'll say,
"I know how to pee on the potty, but the new baby won't. 'Cause babies don't know how to."

True enough, I'll say. This sentence & variations on it are becoming very common. "The new baby won't be able to do X, I can show the new baby how to do X". Love it! So cute.

On Sunday, LC sat on his Sponge Bob couch with "baby" (a doll that we gave him for his 3rd birthday). Mr. Chili covered him with a blanket. And LC sat there, reading stories to his baby. He picked books that he knows so well he can "read" them out loud. It was heart-melting.

Post-Partum Depression Redux?

I really hope not.

I'm 34.5 weeks pregnant and today I went to my GP to ask for a referral to a psychiatric unit that specializes in treating post-partum depression. It's at a big downtown hospital, not especially convenient or close, but my midwives recommended it, so I took a deep breath and started taking steps.

I don't want to experience PPD again. I really, really don't. And I've been feeling so much better this pg, not to mention I wasn't depressed when I got pregnant, and I'm in much better shape this time. Mentally and physically, I am doing so much better. So I've been in denial-land for most of the pregnancy, "Lalalalala. I'm fine. I'll be fine." Then my midwife correctly reminded me that if you've had PPD once, you're more at risk for getting it with subsequent pregnancies. Ah, right.

I remember from last time how hard it was to see that I needed help. To ask for that help was almost impossible. And the people who love me didn't know what to do to help me. So I suffered and Mr. Chili and LC suffered too. This time will be different. I am being proactive and lining up a psychiatrist NOW. I have enlisted Mr. Chili and a good friend to intervene if they see me sliding and I'm not getting help. This makes me feel better, that I'm going to be okay.

I've never seen a psychiatrist/counselor/etc before. I've always muddled through my depressive episodes. But I cannot do this again. I cannot be the unhappy, anxious mess that I was for more than 10 months after LC was born. No one, least of all me and this baby deserves that.

Triggers for PPD w/LC:
[I recognize that these are whines - putting things in perspective, most would thing "Enh. Big deal. What a whiner! Complaining about a fast labour? Bite me." Too me, at the time, all these things contributed. This is where my head was.]

- had trouble getting pregnant, didn't cope well
- was headed downwards, then surprise pg
- job was very stressful - working huge amounts of overtime (70hrs/week)
- LC was 3w early - took me by surprise. I hadn't started my mat leave, I hadn't gotten ready at all.
- Labour was precipitous and I was traumatized by it
- LC wouldn't latch for 6w. I persevered by paid a heavy price
- Chronic thrush = chronic pain for about 8 months. Toe-curling, screaming kind of pain every time LC latched.
- Tough time adjusting to motherhood. I had a hard time letting go of my go-go-go type A tendencies and just going with the flow.
- LC was miserable for the first 6 weeks when he wouldn't latch. The he got sick with a chronic bladder/kidney infection that went undiagnosed for a long time. The docs kept saying he was just colicky. No he fucking wasn't. He was in pain. He cried so much for so many months.
- sleep deprivation. Standard stuff, but it hurts.

Confession time:
I started to climb out of my PPD haze when LC was about 10 months old. This coincided with Mr. Chili being home for a month, and when LC was 11 months old, I started back at work part-time. Did I start feeling better because I went back to work/got away from my child?

I have huge guilt there. It's like my dirty little secret. I wasn't happy being at home with LC. Was is PPD? Or was it that I wanted to be back at work? I don't know.

My PPD symptoms:
There is a good questionnaire about PPD here. Taking the quiz today, through my memory filter, I scored 22/30. To quote the results,

"You may be experiencing depression.
It's highly recommended that you talk to your health care provider"

Yeah. Too bad I couldn't see it then.


I never thought about killing/harming myself or LC. It didn't get that bad. Thank goodness. That being said, these are some of the things I struggled with:

- I used to fantasize about escaping. If I could just get in the car and go away. Leave LC with Mr. Chili. They would be so much better off without me. I was just bringing them down, making them miserable. I would spend ages evaluating different scenarios, where I would drive - anywhere, whether I would use a credit card (they could trace me that way) or just take cash.
- I was anxious about everything. Anxious that LC was going to cry, that he would stop latching again, that he would never stop crying. I would get so anxious about leaving the house to meet friends for coffee/tea. Once there, LC was always better than I expected, and I nearly always enjoyed having social time with friends. But the angst to get there!
- I cried a lot. I cried when thing were good or friends were nice to me. I cried when LC just wouldn't give me a break. I cried so much.
- I was so desperately unhappy. Over and over in my head, I would think about how miserable I was. And I would wonder in a distant way why I couldn't enjoy myself when things were going well. I couldn't get motivated to do normal household stuff - cleaning, dishes, cooking. Even things that gave me pleasure, I would just be overwhelmed by starting. I watched a lot of TV while nursing LC and would just sit in a chair for hours at a time, trying to shut off my brain.
- I overreacted to everything, even small things. Had no perspective.

How did I get better? And without drugs or psychiatric help?
First off, my midwives were wonderful for the birth of LC. The same midwives are delivering this one too. But they were not all that helpful when it came to breastfeeding support. And since they follow you for six weeks post-partum, they didn't see that I wasn't getting better.

Then, when LC was six months old, I cried to Mr. Chili that I had to do something. I kept waiting, but wasn't getting better. I booked an appt with my GP. He took time off work and came with me (and LC came too, natch.) My GP basically said that I should call my work benefit Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) number and get a referral from them. She didn't seem to take seriously how I was feeling, nor understand the tremendous effort it had taken for me to call & book this appt. I left feeling that I was making a big deal out of nothing (not caused by what she said, but caused by the depression). And so I never called the EAP. And I never got help. I tried.

Btw, I am not against drugs for treating PPD. It's not my first choice, because I'd prefer not to pass any trace of anything to PB via breastmilk. And I will be breastfeeding again. But I also recognize that I can't function again like that, so I will consider drugs if it starts to get bad again. There are safe(r) drugs for treating PPD while breastfeeding [ref].

Moxie, dear Moxie, has some great tips on ways to avoid/minimize the risk of/deal with PPD. Please read here - there is a series of seven posts so far.

I started running when LC was about five months old. Very slowly, very haltingly. I joined a running clinic at my local running store and started to socialize a bit - for 45 minutes every Saturday morning. Running really helped. Helped me feel more in control.

My treatment plan:
(Still being developed.)
- started pre-natal yoga at ~11 weeks, still going. Love it. I feel like it's really helping mentally and physically.
- less stress (Believe it or not. It's been less stressful being laid off and dealing with getting screwed in terms of serverance/mat leave than last pg when I was working too much)
- Meet with psychiatrist in PPD unit at hospital before PB is born
- More prepared for baby, breastfeeding
- Intervention team lined up (Mr. Chili, couple of friends)

Most of all: I keep repeating my new mantra.

"I am a different person now.

I will cope differently.

I will not react the same even if the exact same problems arise again."

Good stuff in December - LC

Sorry to have (re)posted this multiple times. I kept hitting Ctrl-S instead of Ctrl-C. Oops.

[For some context, see here.]

December brought another visit to local Children’s hospital. And some good news. And sweet relief.

Our last appt, in Jun-05, had the staff urologist preparing us for the worst. Left kidney badly scarred, not working well, reflux on left side not likely to resolve, surgery likely to either remove the bad kidney (thus resolving the reflux: no kidney means no connection to the bladder = no reflux). Gulp. Not life-threatening, by any means, but scary to us.

In the meantime, we were told to continue with the prophylactic dose of antibiotics (daily dose) and to be vigilant about getting urine samples with any unexplained fever (monitor for breakthrough infection). Oh, and when it comes to potty training, we were warned to be very gentle with him - no pressure - because holding urine only makes the reflux worse and increases his chance of another infection. Gulp again.

The doc also said next appt he would want to run a flow rate test to make sure LC was able to completely empty his bladder, so don't bring him back until he's potty trained. Hm, I thought, he'll be almost three by Jun-06, he should be potty trained by then...

Yes, please, go ahead and laugh.

Jun-06 is rapidly approaching. LC is nowhere near potty trained. Because Mommy and Daddy are too scared to try it. We're just not sure if he's ready. And we're scared of traumatizing him and making his reflux/kidney worse. Postpone appt to Sep-06.

Sep-06. After a false start in Jul-06, we are now in full-blown potty training. He's making progress, but not ready for prime-time. Postpone appt again, this time to Dec-06.

Dec-06. Finally ready! LC is doing awesome with the potty training.

The actual appointment
1. Flow rate test
We tried to give LC lots to drink before the epic drive from suburb to downtown. Not enough apparently. LC's bladder isn't full enough to run the test. LC is not impressed with the nurse running the test, and starts full-on screaming when I explain to him that he needs to lie down so the nurse can take a picture of his insides. Not a good start. The nurse tells us to come back after his next test.

2. Renal ultrasound
Another floor, more waiting. Even though it's been a year, I still remember where to go, the rooms, most of the staff are the same too. Eventually, the very nice tech tells us that they don't have enough machines available right now, but if we want, we can go use the emergency room machine. Sure, we say, why not.

This tech is very, very nice. She talks calmly to LC, she tells him what she's going to do. LC is very cooperative, he lies down and is very calm. It's almost like he's in a trance. Now maybe he's just overwhelmed, I don't know. Because he's not screaming, I can watch. She scans the right kidney first. To my layperson eyes, it looks rather, well, kidney-ish. Then she moves to the left side. Takes her a while to find it. Then she does. Oh. Wow. What a differnce. This thing doesn't really look like a kidney, it's very small, darker than the other. So doesn't look like there is good news there.

The ultrasound tech tells us his bladder looks full. Good news for doing the flow rate test.

3. Flow rate test (attempt #2)
Try again. Nope, bladder still not full enough. Damn. Oh well, just have to skip that test this year. We all agree that the next test is more important.

4. VCUG.
This is not a fun test. This is the test where the insert a catheter up his penis through to the bladder, fill his bladder with radioactive fluid, and take a bunch of xrays, wait for his bladder to empty, and take more xrays.

He had this test done to confirm the VUR at 6 months old. That was hard. He screamed so much - because the catheter hurt and because he was being held down. Then he had a similar scan done at 18mos DMSA scan). Similar in that it involved being catheterized. The DMSA scan was the one that showed he had very little kidney function on the left side.

So the 2006 VCUG. Although Mr. Chili was with us, and was probably a wiser choice for the one parent/caregiver that is allowed in a treatment room, you know, him not being pregnant and all, I was adamant that I had to be the one there. I don't know why I felt I had to be there. I think I felt it was a Mom-thing. It had to be me. Plus I think sitting in the waiting room listening to LC cry and scream would be even worse. Mr. Chili, being the awesome guy that he is, stepped back and let me go. Then the tech came out, saw my belly, and said officially I shouldn't go in there, but she understood that I needed/wanted to be there, and said if I was okay with the risk of fetal exposure to radiation, they would double the lead gowns and let me in. (The risk to the fetus is highest in the first tri, I was well into the third tri.)

I carried LC in, sat him on the table. They wrapped one lead apron around my belly, then put a second lead full gown on me. I could barely move. Then we laid LC down on the xray table and I started trying to keep him calm. No dice. I had to hold his arms up over his head so that he didn't a) contaminate the sterile field and b) yank out the catheter. It was pretty brutal. It's hard to gently thread a catheter up there, and especially hard when the patient is tense and screaming. Eventually they got it done. His bladder wouldn't empty completely, not a good thing since there was radioactive dye in there, but it wasn't worth prolonging the trauma.

LC was exhausted afterwards. I carried him out, we got him dressed and I just held him for a long time. When he'd recovered, we headed down to the cafeteria for lunch. We asked LC what he wanted after surviving his last test. The answer was, "Sushi!". Awesome. Gotta love that kid. He ate a bunch of sushi, drank lots and started to recover.

5. Appt with urologist
My mom came to the hospital for this so that she could watch LC while Mr. Chili and I talked to the doctor. You could tell LC wasn't himself because he sat in my mom's lap and watched Treehouse TV like a zombie the entire time we were talking to the doctor.

I was relieved when a resident walked in. This is because I've learned, at least at this hospital, when the head of the dept or staff dr shows up, it's probably bad news. If it's the resident, then it's routine stuff. And it was!

Because LC hasn't had any breakthrough infections since the inital infection, and because his left kidney has just enough function to make it worth keeping (around 15% for those of you playing at home), the treatment plan is to....do nothing!

Well, okay, something. But no surgery. Continue w/antibiotics, continue monitoring for infection. Come back in a year. If still no infections, he'll be four, and after age four, the risk of infections drops dramatically in VUR kids. (I'm not exactly sure why. I assume it's due to just growing - the ureters are longer, so even if there is still reflux, it's less likely to cause an infection.) And LC still has bad reflux on his left side, but not severe. And it's probably not going away. Holy change of speed. Mr. Chili and I had whiplash - this was so different for what we had been prepared for. And such a relief!

The next day, my arms were sore. Deep muscle sore. Like I had worked out. Then I realized it was from being tense, holding LC down and the weight of the lead gown.

There was fallout from the VCUG for LC. Peeing hurt for a couple of days and he totally regressed. He withheld big-time. We did our best to be gentle and patient and he did recover within about a week.


Note: We did prep LC for the procedures, as much as we could. My mom found this awesome book which we read many, many times.

I also asked what to do about the new baby. VUR does run in siblings. And there is no way I am willing to take the chance of having another baby get so sick and be so miserable for months while we figure out it's chronic bladder infection and that the baby has badly damaged one kidney. So the resident recommended that within a month of the baby's arrival, we get ourselves down to the hospital for some tests - minimum of a renal ultrasound. If it's a boy, we'll also need a VCUG. (Boys are more likely to get sicker from VCUG.) I am not eager to subject a baby to these tests. But I cannot go through what we went through with LC again. The doctor said it's very unlikely that this baby will have the same health issues. But he agreed we couldn't take the risk. And since LC was sick within a few months of birth, we need to do this soon after the baby's birth.

I feel good about this. I think it's the right thing to do. Even though it's not gonna be fun.

And I'm still relieved and happy that LC doesn't need surgery!

Oh the joys of being laid off & pregnant!

Hah!

Okay, disclaimer: I recognize that I am very lucky. I am in a good position. I do still get to take up to 12 months off after I have this baby*. And I will find another job - I'm young enough and employable enough. Yes, everything will work out. I get that. Really.

Back to being ungrateful.

This sucks. Let me list the ways:
1a. My severance is being paid out while I am on mat leave. This will mess up my mat leave payments and I will lose out on almost half of my entitled employment insurance payments. (And I should get it, darnit, I paid into the EI system for years!)

1b. The purpose of severance is to provide a salary while you look for a job. Great. So it really makes sense to collect my severance while I am at home with a newborn. Because I'm really going to hit the job search hard and bring my infant with me to job interviews. NOT!!! My severance pay should be paid out when my leave is complete.

2. I will have a year-long gap in my resume. Yes, I can explain why, but that means I have say 1) I was laid off (not such a bad thing) and 2) I was on mat leave. Telling them I was on mat leave really sucks. It's none of their business that I was on mat leave. Telling them I was on mat leave means that I'm telling them I have at least one child. And because I am a woman, if they are stereotyping (and so many people do, myself included), they will assume that means I will be off more if my child is sick. It introduces an entire topic that has no bearing on my ability to do the job.

3. Part-time work.
When I returned to work after my mat leave with LC, I was able to come back 4 days a week for 16 months. It was a fantastic balance of work/home. I was very happy with the arrangement. Unfortunately it did end after 16 months, but man, what a difference that 16 months made. The odds of me being able to find a similar arrangement with a brand-new employer with whom I have established zero credibility? Very, very slim.

4. I actually like(d) my job.
I liked working for my current employer. I liked the variety, challenges, etc of my job. I was good at it. I like the people. I find myself tearing up a lot as I say goodbye to colleagues and begin packing up. This sucks.

And that's enough whining. It's not even Wednesday...

* Very grateful to live in Canada, where we get up to 52 weeks of maternity/parental leave. Very, very civilized. Humane, even. Unlike other countries *cough* the U.S. *cough* where I have no idea how moms go back to work after just six or eight or maybe if you're luck twelve weeks.

Why yes, I am alive and I do still blog.

At least in my head I do. Yeah, hi, sorry about that. It's not like anyone actually reads this thing anyways. (Not a plea for sympathy or readers, just stating the facts.) (And I'm okay with no one reading this. I think of it as cheap therapy.)

So much to blog, so little, uh, motivation? I have written so many blog updates in my head during showers or my drive to work. But never seem to write them down. Why? I'm not sure.

Just a placeholder until I write some updates on our exciting December. (Good news stuff - yeah!)

Things that make me laugh, pt 5

Anecdote 1
My BIL tells me that the Saskatchewan pork marketing board came up with a genius marketing slogan a few years ago. He's a credible guy, so I'm inclined to believe him.

Picture this, if you will - a big billboard featuring a loving couple arm in arm. The slogan reads, "Pork.
The one you love."

Seriously? Seriously.
Mr. Chili and I laughed so hard at this unintentionally hilarious billboard.

From a quick google search, it looks like occurred circa 2001. Found this pic via Flickr. (Thanks smiteme!) The Saskatchewan Pork Marketing board does exist. And many bloggers have blogged about it before me. Ah well. It's still funny!


Anecdote 2
In a week or so, Mr. Chili and I will be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary. Cool! For fun, I looked up the recommended ideas that the clever marketing people say I should give. (Did that make sense? No? Sorry.)
Traditional: Wood
Modern: Silverware

*snort* Did someone say wood? Mr. Chili and I - clearly immature, with pubescent senses of humour were laughing pretty hard about this one too. Poor Mr. Chili not getting much action these days, so the laughter was mixed with a tear or two on his part, I'm sure. I've promised him that if he presents me with some wood on our anniversary, I will do my best to appreciate it.