I'm 34.5 weeks pregnant and today I went to my GP to ask for a referral to a psychiatric unit that specializes in treating post-partum depression. It's at a big downtown hospital, not especially convenient or close, but my midwives recommended it, so I took a deep breath and started taking steps.
I don't want to experience PPD again. I really, really don't. And I've been feeling so much better this pg, not to mention I wasn't depressed when I got pregnant, and I'm in much better shape this time. Mentally and physically, I am doing so much better. So I've been in denial-land for most of the pregnancy, "Lalalalala. I'm fine. I'll be fine." Then my midwife correctly reminded me that if you've had PPD once, you're more at risk for getting it with subsequent pregnancies. Ah, right.
I remember from last time how hard it was to see that I needed help. To ask for that help was almost impossible. And the people who love me didn't know what to do to help me. So I suffered and Mr. Chili and LC suffered too. This time will be different. I am being proactive and lining up a psychiatrist NOW. I have enlisted Mr. Chili and a good friend to intervene if they see me sliding and I'm not getting help. This makes me feel better, that I'm going to be okay.
I've never seen a psychiatrist/counselor/etc before. I've always muddled through my depressive episodes. But I cannot do this again. I cannot be the unhappy, anxious mess that I was for more than 10 months after LC was born. No one, least of all me and this baby deserves that.
Triggers for PPD w/LC:
[I recognize that these are whines - putting things in perspective, most would thing "Enh. Big deal. What a whiner! Complaining about a fast labour? Bite me." Too me, at the time, all these things contributed. This is where my head was.]
- had trouble getting pregnant, didn't cope well
- was headed downwards, then surprise pg
- job was very stressful - working huge amounts of overtime (70hrs/week)
- LC was 3w early - took me by surprise. I hadn't started my mat leave, I hadn't gotten ready at all.
- Labour was precipitous and I was traumatized by it
- LC wouldn't latch for 6w. I persevered by paid a heavy price
- Chronic thrush = chronic pain for about 8 months. Toe-curling, screaming kind of pain every time LC latched.
- Tough time adjusting to motherhood. I had a hard time letting go of my go-go-go type A tendencies and just going with the flow.
- LC was miserable for the first 6 weeks when he wouldn't latch. The he got sick with a chronic bladder/kidney infection that went undiagnosed for a long time. The docs kept saying he was just colicky. No he fucking wasn't. He was in pain. He cried so much for so many months.
- sleep deprivation. Standard stuff, but it hurts.
Confession time:
I started to climb out of my PPD haze when LC was about 10 months old. This coincided with Mr. Chili being home for a month, and when LC was 11 months old, I started back at work part-time. Did I start feeling better because I went back to work/got away from my child?
I have huge guilt there. It's like my dirty little secret. I wasn't happy being at home with LC. Was is PPD? Or was it that I wanted to be back at work? I don't know.
My PPD symptoms:
There is a good questionnaire about PPD here. Taking the quiz today, through my memory filter, I scored 22/30. To quote the results,
"You may be experiencing depression.
It's highly recommended that you talk to your health care provider"
It's highly recommended that you talk to your health care provider"
Yeah. Too bad I couldn't see it then.
I never thought about killing/harming myself or LC. It didn't get that bad. Thank goodness. That being said, these are some of the things I struggled with:
- I used to fantasize about escaping. If I could just get in the car and go away. Leave LC with Mr. Chili. They would be so much better off without me. I was just bringing them down, making them miserable. I would spend ages evaluating different scenarios, where I would drive - anywhere, whether I would use a credit card (they could trace me that way) or just take cash.
- I was anxious about everything. Anxious that LC was going to cry, that he would stop latching again, that he would never stop crying. I would get so anxious about leaving the house to meet friends for coffee/tea. Once there, LC was always better than I expected, and I nearly always enjoyed having social time with friends. But the angst to get there!
- I cried a lot. I cried when thing were good or friends were nice to me. I cried when LC just wouldn't give me a break. I cried so much.
- I was so desperately unhappy. Over and over in my head, I would think about how miserable I was. And I would wonder in a distant way why I couldn't enjoy myself when things were going well. I couldn't get motivated to do normal household stuff - cleaning, dishes, cooking. Even things that gave me pleasure, I would just be overwhelmed by starting. I watched a lot of TV while nursing LC and would just sit in a chair for hours at a time, trying to shut off my brain.
- I overreacted to everything, even small things. Had no perspective.
How did I get better? And without drugs or psychiatric help?
First off, my midwives were wonderful for the birth of LC. The same midwives are delivering this one too. But they were not all that helpful when it came to breastfeeding support. And since they follow you for six weeks post-partum, they didn't see that I wasn't getting better.
Then, when LC was six months old, I cried to Mr. Chili that I had to do something. I kept waiting, but wasn't getting better. I booked an appt with my GP. He took time off work and came with me (and LC came too, natch.) My GP basically said that I should call my work benefit Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) number and get a referral from them. She didn't seem to take seriously how I was feeling, nor understand the tremendous effort it had taken for me to call & book this appt. I left feeling that I was making a big deal out of nothing (not caused by what she said, but caused by the depression). And so I never called the EAP. And I never got help. I tried.
Btw, I am not against drugs for treating PPD. It's not my first choice, because I'd prefer not to pass any trace of anything to PB via breastmilk. And I will be breastfeeding again. But I also recognize that I can't function again like that, so I will consider drugs if it starts to get bad again. There are safe(r) drugs for treating PPD while breastfeeding [ref].
Moxie, dear Moxie, has some great tips on ways to avoid/minimize the risk of/deal with PPD. Please read here - there is a series of seven posts so far.
I started running when LC was about five months old. Very slowly, very haltingly. I joined a running clinic at my local running store and started to socialize a bit - for 45 minutes every Saturday morning. Running really helped. Helped me feel more in control.
My treatment plan:
(Still being developed.)
- started pre-natal yoga at ~11 weeks, still going. Love it. I feel like it's really helping mentally and physically.
- less stress (Believe it or not. It's been less stressful being laid off and dealing with getting screwed in terms of serverance/mat leave than last pg when I was working too much)
- Meet with psychiatrist in PPD unit at hospital before PB is born
- More prepared for baby, breastfeeding
- Intervention team lined up (Mr. Chili, couple of friends)
Most of all: I keep repeating my new mantra.
"I am a different person now.
I will cope differently.
I will not react the same even if the exact same problems arise again."
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