I really need to get over this

I have issues about being pregnant while at work.

Weird statement? I think so. Let me try to explain. I am so very pleased to be pregnant. I am getting really excited about having another little one to love, nurture, etc. But at work, I am a professional - an engineer, a project manager, a leader. It feels strange to even acknowledge out loud that I am clearly pregnant. I don't know if my discomfort stems from the fact that being pregnant = having sex and that embarrasses me. I think it has more to do with the fact that being pregnant is such a very personal, intimate thing - I have this life growing inside me! - and yet at the same time, at 5.5 months along, it is also a very public thing.

I don't want to start conversations with, "Hey, I felt the baby kick just now." I don't want to talk about my personal life, much, with most people at work. I want to be a professional and taken seriously as such. If someone brings it up, like "Oh when are you due?" I'm happy to have a brief conversation and then move onto the real topic.

I feel really uncomfortable with the open stares at my belly. Why? I do the same to other pregnant women. Why am I so uncomfortable? Why am I such a hypocrite? I am not the first woman in my office to get pregnant. For pete's sake, this is the second time I've been pregnant at this job.

*sigh* I just wish I could be more comfortable and expressive about how joyous this pregnancy is. But it's like I have a mask on. A mask that I don't know how to take off.

Maybe it's because I had to hide my pregnancy for the first four plus months. I had applied for an internal transfer (obviously preferred to being laid off), and did not want the pregnancy to hurt my chances. Because even though the law says I can't be discriminated against, let's get real, shall we? Any employer looks at me, sees my belly, immediately says, "Ugh, she'll be off for a year, and then she'll be off all the time when the kid is sick. Let's hire that other guy instead"* & ** So maybe I'm just not comfortable being out of the pregnancy closet.

Anyhow, I'm tired of feeling all awkward and embarrassed about being pregnant while at work. I need to get over it already.


* Because we all know that the perception is that the woman does all the child-rearing and child-care duties, especially when kids are sick. Not. Well, at least not in my household. We swap depending on who has the more important stuff going on at work. Luckily too, LC is pretty healthy (aside from the wonky kidney and VUR stuff), and is rarely sick.

** To continue my rant, my perception is that when an employer sees a woman and knows (somehow although it shouldn't come up or matter) that she has kids, there's this instinctive bias against her, "Gosh, I wonder why she doesn't stay home with her kids." Or, "How much time off will she need to look after her kids." Whereas that same employer sees a man and knows he has kids, and thinks, "Wow. That guy has a family to provide for. What a great guy. We should pay him more."
Yeah, maybe not everyone thinks like that. But an awful lot of people do.

Things that make me laugh, pt 4

Seen in a meeting invitation:

"Meeting agenda will be updated weakly. "

*snort*

I work in a place where for the majority, English is a second language. I really respect how hard it is to learn a second language, especially as an adult, especially English. Having said that, there are things that I read that just make me giggle. It's either that or get annoyed.

I am a picky about using proper spelling and grammar. I definitely have editorial instincts. (Although perhaps not with my own stuff.) I get frustrated by what people who are too lazy to run spell check - come on now, it's not that hard. No, it won't catch everything* but it will catch most typos. I don't find the grammar checking tools very useful, but I will run them when I'm sending out a major document for review. I get really annoyed when I can't understand what the person is trying to say, usually about a very technical issue, because the sentence is structured so poorly. Aaaaarrrrrggghh! I want to spend my time reviewing your document's content, not your form.

*Does anyone else find it funny that Blogger's spell check doesn't know the word "blog"?

P.S. I'm wondering how many errors there are in this post. I'm all self-conscious now.

P.P. S. And what the hell am I doing up at this hour? Again! I'm so self-destructive sometime. I was working before. Now it's 0230 EST. I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow. More exhausted than I already am. For goodness sakes - why am I working overtime for a company that doesn't even want me?

Memories: Good night, sweetheart

While standing in Starbucks, I heard a version of "Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight".



(Picture credit)

I had to stop and listen. I smiled wistfully as I remembered my grandmother singing the song softly at bedtime, while rubbing my back. Way back when at my grandparent's house in Parsippany, NJ. I don't think she ever sang in public, but when it was just the two of us, she would sing to me and rub my back. Even when I was too old for it, if I asked nicely, she would still do it. Such sweet memories.

That song and whenever I am making one of my grandmother's recipes make me feel like her spirit is with me. It makes me feel connected to her.

I lived with my grandparents every summer from when I was six to twelve years old. I learned so much from both of them. How to make a fruit pie, how to shell peas, how to use a jigsaw, a lathe, how to make a plan and build something, how to do...so many things.

My grandmother died in 1999 after a long illness. I still miss her. At her funeral, I performed my most difficult solo (on the french horn) - I played "Amazing Grace" for her. So, so hard to play when you're crying.

Apparently the song is called, "Goodnight Sweetheart Goodnight". According to this source, "Originally performed by the 5 piece doo-wop group The Spaniels. Written in 1954, it was a #5 R&B hit Written by Calvin Carter and James (Pookie) Hudson (lead singer for The Spaniels). Re-released by The McGuire Sisters. Popularized in the 1970s by the group Sha Na Na, who used it to close their TV show each week." I'm sure the version my grandmother knew was the 1950's version by the McGuire Sisters.

It looks like she mostly sang the chorus to me, or at least that's what I remember. Here are the lyrics (from same source cited above):

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

Well it's three o'clock in the morning

Baby I just can't git right??

Well I hate to leave you baby,

Don't mean maybe,

Because I love you so.

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Oh goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

Mother, and your father

Don't like it if I stay here too long

One kiss in the dark,

And I'll be going,

You know I hate to go.

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Oh goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

PMP 2006 update

Doesn't the subject make it sound exciting? Yeah, I know.

I'm actually embarrassed to admit that the PMBoK (Project Management Body of Knowledge), all 300 pages of it, is pretty interesting stuff. Yes, I am a geek.

I'm taking a prep course this week to help me prepare to write the exam. In preparation for the prep course (irony, yes?), I had to read the PMBoK. It's dry & dense. And of course, with Mr. Chili being out of town last week, me being sick and just general procrastination, I left it til the last minute. But I'm happy to report that I just finished reviewing the sucker. Yee haw.

Now I have to go to bed because I have to be up v. early tomorrow so that I can sit in traffic to get to this course. But it will all be worth it when I pass the exam in a few weeks. Right?

Oh please, please, please let me pass the exam.

~~~
Weekend update.
Mr. Chili made it home Friday night, after LC's bedtime. Fri night w/LC and mommy was miserable. He was missing daddy, I was very, very tired. And LC backslid so far on potty training I just didn't know what to make of it. Mon-Wed: 1 accident/day. Thu: 4 accidents, including a poop accident. Fri: lost count - 5 accidents. Unheard of. If it was indeed due to missing Mr. Chili, then I am very, very scared about how LC will respond to PB's birth.

Saturday I went to my prenatal yoga class. Bliss. LC and Mr. Chili ran errands (including groceries) and kept out of my hair so I could study. We had take-out sushi for dinner. Yum.

Sunday was more errands for LC and Mr. Chili so I could continue studying. Have I mentioned how awesome Mr. Chili is? Yep, he is.

~~~
Okay, really have to hit the hay. 'Night internets.

My rings don't fit - wah!

A minor whine, definitely not worthy of Phantom's weekly whine-fest.

I have now gained enough weight that my rings are getting tight. I like my rings a little loose and have an irrational fear that they will get stuck on my fingers and I will have to have them cut off. Like I said, irrational.

In my pg with LC, I was pg through the summer and my fingers always swell in the summer, so between the swelling and excessive weight gain, I stopped wearing my rings around 5 months of pg.

Guess what? I am 5 months pg. I have not gained as much weight this time (only 10 pounds to date), but I started this pg 10 pounds heavier. So really, I've gained 20 pounds from pre-pg weight. And I was 10 pounds less than that when I got married. So my rings fit if I'm within 30 pounds of my wedding day, but not more. Reasonable, yes. But I am sad nonetheless that I won't be able to wear my wedding band, engagement ring and engineering ring for the next year or so.

Why a year? I have four months of pg left - and other than this whine - plan on thoroughly enjoying it. Based on my first pg, it will take me a while to start losing weight. And I lost very slowly, despite exclusively breastfeeding.

~~
P.S. I wonder if there is a correlation between my (relatively) excessive posting of late and Mr. Chili's absence? Stay tuned next week when he's home. And I'm in training all week with a long commute each day. I think I know what's next.

P.P.S. What the hell am I doing up at this hour???? Oh yeah, I fell asleep with LC at 2100. Then I woke up to pee at 0045 and realized I had to do his laundry. Why? Four accidents today, that's why. An unheard of number for LC. I'm pretty sure he was due for a BM but didn't want to do it school, that's why the three pee accidents. And the fourth was because I couldn't get the f'in potty seat installed quickly enough for someone doing the BM dance. Oh that mess was fun. And at a good friend's house. Fortunately she has kids and understands.

P.P.P.S. I like using the twenty-four hour style of time. It is consistent and unambiguous. Being the anal sort, this matters to me. I also like using a date format of dd-mmm-yy. I hate the U.S. convention of mm/dd/yy. Why the heck does the month go in front? How am I supposed to know if it's really mm/dd/yy or maybe dd/mm/yy (which is the Canadian/metric version).

Who knew so many things bother me at 0228? And on that note, I'm off to bed.

My 100 things

1. I am so late to this game.
2. Often I can't believe that this is my (great) life.
3. I am so many things: a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an engineer, a....
4. I feel that becoming a mother has forced me to become a better person.
5. Not that I'm a great person now.
6. I was depressed through my first pregnancy but didn't realize it.
7. I was really depressed after my son was born. But I didn't realize how bad it was until 10 months later.
8. I worry that I will get post-partum depression again.
9. Watching my son sleep makes me so happy I almost cry.
10. It also helps me not want to strangle him after all the frustrating moments.
11. I work full-time outside the home.
12. I was happiest with my work-life balance when I was working part-time. That lasted 16 months. Then I was forced back to full-time hours.
13. Now they're laying me off.
14. It sucks.
15. But I'm so grateful to be pregnant again.
16. And scared.
17. Even if no one will hire me because I am pregnant.
18. I could stay home with my son & baby-to-be. If I wanted to badly enough to make the sacrifice. But I don't want to. I want to work part-time and be a mom full-time.
19. I think that makes me pretty selfish.
20. But I think realizing it makes me a happier and better mother.
21. I will stay home for the first year of PB's life.
22. We are damned lucky in Canada to get one year of maternal/parental leave.
23. My husband is an amazing man.
24. I try to tell him that every day.
25. Our son looks so much like him.
26. I wonder who this baby will look more like.
27. Everyone keeps asking me if we know "what we're having". A baby, duh!
28. Seriously, we don't want to know the gender.
29. My husband and I discovering together that we had a son was the second most amazing moment of my life.
30. The most amazing moment was when the midwife placed our son on my stomach and we watched this tiny, purplish thing take it's first breath.
31. I'm getting all teary writing this. Damn hormones.
32. My son was an unplanned homebirth.
33. It was *ahem* rather exciting.
34. The midwives arrived about 20 minutes before my son did.
35. I was holding off pushing.
36. He could have been born without the midwives at all.
37. My labour was officially termed precipitous.
38. From water breaking to birth was 4 hours.
39. I am scared of what that means for this pregnancy.
40. Rule of thumb is half the time.
41. That means two hours.
42. Holy shit.
43. We are planning a home birth this time.
44. My household consists of one husband, one 3 year old, one dog and one cat.
45. We started with the cat. Gradual progression of responsibility, we thought.
46. Then we got the dog. A wonderful, very high energy, needy dog. We didn't have a fucking clue what we were getting into.
47. Then I gave birth to our son. It was clear that if we thought we were in over our heads with the dog, the baby was going to do us in.
48. But we managed. And now we're thriving.
49. I had the most fun at my wedding. It was a great day.
50. Our honeymoon in Australia was even better.
51. And totally worth the debt.
52. Many of our friends don't have mortgages. They're 30-something and have already paid for their large houses.
53. We do have a mortgage.
54. I'm okay with that.
55. Most of the time.
56. I breastfed my son for 2.5 years.
57. I am incredibly proud of this fact.
58. I am truly what they call a "lactivist" or a "nipple nazi". And I'm proud of it.
59. Breastfeeding was the best tool in my parenting toolbox.
60. Extended nursing is an amazing gift.
61. Even if you do have to endure all the looks and questions, "Are you still breastfeeding??!!"
62. It's pretty incredible that I nursed my son at all.
63. He did not latch for the first six weeks of his life.
64. I was attached to a pump or getting him to nurse every moment of every day.
65. I loathe my breast pump.
66. But he did latch.
67. I am a cliche for everything that could possibly have gone wrong with breastfeeding.
68. I had a breast reduction eight years before my son was born. The reducation caused supply problems.
69. I do not regreat the breast reduction despite the problems.
70. I try really hard not to regret anything. It's a waste of energy.
71. I am fucking stubborn.
72. When my son wouldn't latch, I worked with a lactation consultant and Dr. Jack Newman and cried and agonized.
73. I took a lot of Domperidone for my supply.
74. It helped. A lot.
75. I exclusively breastfed. No formula.
76. I am scared that this baby won't latch either.
77. But I am a different person now.
78. I had chronic, toe-clenching, screaming pain every time my son nursed for the first 10 months of my son's life.
79. My husband was amazingly supportive even though he hated to see me in so much pain.
80. The pain was caused by chronic thrush.
81. It took many treatments but I finally got rid of it.
82. Don't take an iron supplement post-partum if you are prone to yeast/thrush.
83. I am an engineer and project manager.
84. I am pretty good at these things.
85. I was genetically pre-disposed to be a project manager.
86. My sister, mother and grandfather all share the same list-making, organizational, anal tendencies.
87. I also play the french horn.
88. I haven't played in three years.
89. I can't find time to be a mom, work, run and play music.
90. I will play again.
91. I also run. Not fast, but I run.
92. I have run one marathon and four half-marathons.
93. Running is the best therapy for me, it helped my depression.
94. I am addicted to Starbucks Soy Chais. No water, please.
95. It is an expensive habit.
96. But it makes me so happy.
97. All I need is a book and a chai and I am happy.
98. Or at least I can escape.
99. I am very blessed.
100. I try to remember and be grateful for it every day.

Sorry for the swearing. It's a coping mechanism. And it feels kinda good. So did writing this list. I'll have to update it after PB is born. :)

Update: Apologies for anyone reading on bloglines. This is at least the third edit I've made. I don't usually edit that much because I usually proofread carefully. Today? Not so much.

Thank goodness it's Thursday.

Yes, I know that's not the original expression. But really, it applies. Only one more day til Mr. Chili is home. Mr. Chili left town on Tuesday morning for a business trip. LC is very attached to fun daddy. Very, very attached. Which I am a-okay with* because it was all about me for the first two years of LC's life. Sound the trumpets, because Mr. Chili is going to be home...tomorrow! And I am going to work from home tomorrow so I can do my conference calls while mopping the floor and not have to commute and rush to do drop-off and pickup.

There is a pattern to how LC responds to Mr. Chili's absences.

First day

• Fussier than usual. Hair trigger on the meltdowns.
• The dog is whinier too.
• I feel harried as I try to adjust to doing all myself. Makes me realize how very wonderful Mr. Chili is.
• We talk to daddy on the phone. The guys have a really good conversation. It's very cute to observe. (Love the speaker phone feature on our cordless - it works really well.)

Second, third, etc. day

• New normal. We have all adjusted. The dog is whining less. The cat, well, who knows what the cat notices.
• It's just my buddy LC and me. Fewer tantrums. Less fussy. We make dinner together, we read stories together, we talk to daddy on the phone. Only the conversation is shorter. LC just isn't as interested in talking to fun daddy.
• When LC asks about daddy - especially when he's whining in the morning that he misses daddy - I tell him that daddy will be home soon (luckily he doesn't call me on when "soon" is). I tell him that I miss daddy too.

Last day

• To keep us both going, I start telling LC that daddy is coming home tomorrow. Very exciting. I only say this when I am absolutely positive that Mr. Chili is in transit and will make it home. I do not want to deal with a disappointed toddler.
• Usually it's Friday. To get us out of the house and reward us for surviving, we head to McD's and have dinner, followed by some fun time at Playland. Then *fingers crossed* fun daddy is home before bedtime. And le voila - we have survived another week without daddy.

I am exhausted by the time Mr. Chili gets home. I never go to bed early enough on a good night, and when I have to do all the household stuff, plus catch up on some work, and am pregnant, I just end up exhausted by Friday. Man, am I a whiner!

* Okay, I do get a little jealous of how important daddy is and wish that I didn't get so cruelly rejected by LC. I mean it hurts when a three year old tells you to "go away". No matter that it's not rational. Sometimes I feel like this is preparation for the first time a teenage (or ten year old?) LC tells me he hates me. 'Cause that is gonna happen.

Normal tantrums?

At the tender age of three, LC has entered a new era of tantrums. We thought the screaming-kicking-crying episodes between ages two and three were fun. Hah! In the past few months, we have witnessed new heights (depths?) to his tantrums. Is it normal for a three year old to have such - I hesitate to say it - rage? I believe the triggers are:

• tired
• stressed
• coming down with something/sick
  

Normal stuff. I mean, who isn't more prone to a fit of pique when they're tired?
What disturbs me is the range of behaviour we see and how violent he is. He will kick, pinch, pull hair, hit, if you are within range. Sometimes he will lunge after you. This is accompanied by screaming/crying/wailing/sobbing at tremendous volume.

If the conditions are right (wrong), he has such a hair trigger that it's really, really hard to avoid setting him off. And frankly, hey, I'm the adult and he's the kid. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around my kid, afraid that he's going to have a tantrum.

Getting him out of the tantrum takes some combination of 1) patience, 2) distraction, 3) a cuddle/hug - but only if he's calm enough.

Mr. Chili left for a business trip today. LC is very, very attached to his daddy (after two years of all me). Mr. Chili did the drop-off today and told LC that he was going away for a couple of days, that he would be back and that he loved LC. So when I went to pick up LC - and Daddy usually does pick up, I was prepared for some upset. What I got was a lovely, cooperative little boy who saw me, yelled, "Mommy!", gave me a huge hug, picked up his lunch bag, got his coat (and the wet clothing from the one accident today), put away his work, said good-bye to his teacher and then came over to the doorway, where I was waiting. As is his routine, he opened his lunch bag looking for a snack and a drink. He pulled out the glass bottle of fruit punch leftover from his hot lunch. He asked me to open it. I replied that I couldn't right now because it was glass and might break, but that I would be happy to open it as soon as we got home. This was not acceptable. He started wailing right there.

I did not cave. I stayed crouched down, kept talking calmly. I helped him put on this coat, he tried to hit me. I knew it was coming, so I calmly said, "no hitting" and kept trying to get him moving. After he refused to move, and was disturbing everyone in the classroom, I semi-dragged him out to the hallway. Where he lay prostrate on the floor, crying, screaming. I let him go for a bit, crouched down next to him, calmly telling him it was okay, we would have the fruit punch soon. Not working. One of the teachers came out to the hallway to see what the commotion was about. LC kicked off his shoes, kept crying and screaming. I was starting to lose patience. I had to hold him down to get his shoes on, and then I picked up all the stuff and carried him out of school. He kicked a bit, but seemed to be past the violent stage of the tantrum (very short stage - this time). I set him down on the stairs outside. He calmed a bit outside - change of scene, I guess - and I took the opportunity to give hug him and tell him it was okay. By this point, the topic of screaming had moved from fruit punch to missing daddy, wanting daddy, etc. So I hugged him and told him I missed daddy too, and that we would talk to daddy on the phone tonight, etc.

I carried him to the car and he was marginally calmer. Alas, it did not stay that way. As soon as his butt hit the car seat, he started screaming and crying louder than before. It was honestly deafening. And I could not reason with him. I just gritted my teeth and drove home as quickly as I could. I could almost laugh as I got out of the car (silence), opened the hatch to get my stuff (screaming), shut the hatch (silence), opened the door to get his stuff (screaming), etc. Dumped our stuff inside, then came and got him. I carried him inside, and he kept screaming and carrying on.

Surprisingly, I remained fairly calm through this. I sat him on the stairs, tried to take off his coat and shoes, was rejected. Went to the kitchen, fed the cat and dog. LC threw a couple of things towards the kitchen -not much ammunition, fortunately, and then started playing with his coat zipper. He loves practicing doing up his own coat. That calmed him down. I checked on him a few times and eventually, he came to see what I was doing. He helped me prepare a quick dinner (cheese omelette and toast) and we had a very civilized dinner.

Maybe this isn't the best example of how violent and intense these tantrums can be. But man, I just hope this is "normal". Some kind of normal. I don't know. LC is an amazing kid. And I tell myself that this is a normal developmental stage. Feelings are intense when you're that age. Right? It's that I'm disturbed by how violent he can be - trying to lash out and hurt Mr. Chili and me. Mostly me. When he gets like that, we carry him to the stairs, but he won't stay put. So we just keep repeating that he needs to stay on the stairs until he is calm. It takes a while. A long, long while sometimes.

If anyone is reading this, care to tell me that this is normal? Or on the spectrum of normal? Any feedback is appreciated.

Mind in the Gutter/Things that Make me Laugh, Part 3

Item 1
Recently seen on the back of a dump truck:

"Everyone needs a good dump"

Seriously. The truck was owned by Osmar Hauling, based in Ontario. I couldn't find a web listing for these folks, but I swear I'm not making it up!

[On a TMI sidenote, if only they knew how true that statement is and how cruel pregnancy constipation is....]

Item 2

A few months ago, I was stopped behind a car that was from Michigan. The car was sold by - I shit you not -

Krapohl* Ford Lincoln Mercury

Really. Okay, please tell me I'm not the only one who find that funny! These guys exist - I had to look them up.

*No offense meant to anyone with the surname of Krapohl. I'm sure it is an honorable and worthy name. I'm just immature and it makes me giggle.

Notes from LC's fourth Halloween

Some bullets of Halloween:

• I can't believe this was LC's fourth Halloween.
• In 2003, he was only a few weeks old his first year, and I dressed him up as a chili pepper. He looked so cute. He slept the whole evening. Mr. Chili and I just stared at him, still in that new-parent daze. We visited our neighbours across the street to show off our little chili pepper. (No, no correlation at all between my nom de blog and LC's costume. Why do you ask?)
• In 2004, he was a green dinosaur with purple spikes. Costume provided by Nana from Land's End. He was very cute in the costume and happily toddled/crawled around. I think we carried him over to visit the same neighbour.
• In 2005, I purchased a far too expensive lion costume for LC. And he flat out refused to wear it. Didn't want anything to do with trick or treating. So he stayed home, cranky, while Mr. Chili and I took turns handing out candy.
• This year: LC had a choice between the notorious lion costume or a fire fighter. Each time we asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween, he would answer differently. We heard: elephant, pumpkin, flamingo, etc. Eventually given a choice between lion and fire fighter, he chose fire fighter. The lion loses again. He made a darned cute fire fighter.
• 2006 trick or treating? 1 house. LC happily held daddy's hand, crossed the street and visited the same neighbours. He got one tiny bag of chips and one mini chocolate bar. He was pretty pleased with himself. Then he wanted to come home. He spent the rest of the night sitting on

More bullets of Halloween:

• Pumpkin carving was fun this year. We bought three, and LC had fun "helping" daddy scoop out the insides. We actually made some pretty good looking jack o' lanterns. Will post pics if I ever get them off the camera.
• We live in a trick or treat dead zone. Even fewer trick or treaters this year. For some reason, our neighbourhood has lots of kids, but is sparse in trick or treaters. Lots of leftover candy. Very bad for me. I have already eaten far too much of it. Blurgh.
• Manners. Most trick or treaters actually had good manners this year. As opposed to previous years, where the trick or treaters (older kids/teens) just stood there, sullen, not bothering to say "trick or treat" or "please" or "thank you", the kids this year said all those things. There were a few kids that I thought were too old, but not as many as last year.
• Not really about Halloween, but fun daddy took LC up for a bath, I handed out candy, and then I took over the going-to-sleep duties. LC was out cold by 8:15pm. Awesome!
• Also not really about Halloween. I submitted my application to the PMI. I hope to hear back by Mon 6-Nov that my application has been approved so I can schedule my exam. Yeah me!

NoPoBloMo?

Not so much here. I can't seem to post once a week, let alone every day. Plus I have a major exam to study for over the next month. (Going for my professional project manager certification. It'll help in the job search. I hope.)

So I'm doing my own version of NoBloPoMo. I vow to post at least five times this month. So that averages out to slightly more than once a week. I always have things I want to talk about. I just don't make the time to talk about them!

There. I feel better now.

Anyone got a site counter that doesn't install spyware?

I'm looking for a site counter. Nothing fancy. My requirements are:

• Doesn't install spyware when I access the site or install the site. (Maybe my firewall settings are too strict, but I've found that tracksky, sitemeter and statcounter all throw up "this site is blocked" in IE*.)
• Simple counting of how many visitors from what domain
• How users found my site (search terms)

That's about it. I think. Did I mention I'm new to all this?

Let me know if you have any recommendations. Thanks!

*Yes, part of the problem is that I'm using IE. I know, I know. I need to get with the times and use Firefox. Haven't had time or energy to make the switch.

Blog Roll updated

I have observed the controversy about advertising on blog, whether blogs rolls are good and bad, etc. I don't feel particularly political, so I have decided:
1) no advertising (no one reads this anyways)
2) I will keep a blogroll

I've learned that I am reading way too many blogs. And commenting on virtually none. I should really flip that ratio - read fewer, comment more.

Still to come - updating medical blogs. (I enjoy reading about medical stuff and am always looking for new stuff about nephrology, VUR, etc.) See here and here for why this is of interest to me.

I didn't realize I was that boring!

Then again, look at the title of this blog....

Found at Jody's Raising WEG, Nancy's Blog Pourri and others. (Hope I'm giving proper credit/linkage. I'm still new to the blogosphere and not up on all the etiquette.)

You've Changed 20% in 10 Years

You've hardly changed in ten years, from your lifestyle to those very retro clothes. And unless you were really ahead of your time, you probably need to acquaint yourself with the modern world!

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

Funny, because I feel like I have changed a lot in 10 years. I'm going to cheat and look at the past 11 years:

1995: graduate from Big University
1995: start first post-degree job, meet Mr. Chili

1996: after being friends for a long time and realizing I really like this guy, ask Mr. Chili out & start dating. Realize just a few months later that I really love this man.

1997: Mr. Chili asks me to move in with him

1998: receive my Professional Engineer designation (Oooooh - more letters after my name!)

1999: buy first new car together

2000: buy first house. (Way more stressful and scary than getting married.)

2001: Mr. Chili proposes

2002: get married (perfect ceremony & reception). Go to Australia for 3.5 weeks on our honeymoon - the most awesome trip ever.
2002: start trying to have a baby

2003: get the best birthday present ever - first positive pregnancy test. Cancel laparoscopy that was scheduled because it's been a year since we started*
2003: Little Chili is born. Most amazing moment of my life. A year of depression, pain and "challenges" begins.

2004: Back to work, part-time. Love it. Best of both worlds.

2005: Forced to resume full-time employment. :(

2006: LC stops nursing. We made it 2.5 years. This is (trust me) an amazing accomplishment.
2006: My employer of seven years announces that they are closing down the office I work in. I am out of a job.
2006: Decide that maybe, just maybe I want to have another baby. Experience the awesome shock of hitting the jackpot on only our second month trying.

* Small potatoes in terms of TTC duration. But it felt heart-breaking at the time. I classify myself as "sub-fertile", and Mr. Chili too. But that's another story for another time.

The train makes mommy cry

(Yes, it has been far too long since my last post. I have been writing lots of posts in my head. And have a few drafts sitting that I should really publish.)

Today LC turned 3 years old. *insert cliche here* They're all true. I sit here and marvel at how much LC has grown and matured. He's by no means a big kid, he's still smaller than most of his peers, but he can do so much now, understand so much. When I'm not actively involved in whatever he's doing, I find myself staring at him in amazement.

I just got back from dropping LC and Mr. Chili off at the GO station (local commuter train in our area). LC and Mr. Chili are going on an adventure. They are going to a pre-season game to watch Mr. Chili's beloved Toronto Maple Leafs. We have season tickets* that have been in Mr. Chili's family for a couple of generations. They're great seats, not as good in the ACC as they were in the Gardens, but pretty good still. Bloody expensive too.

I pulled into the "kiss & go" parking area, Mr. Chili gathered up the diaper bag (loaded with lots of snacks and toys and spare clothes) and the stroller and unbuckled LC from his carseat. I got out of the car and kissed my guys good-bye. Told them to have a great time. Then I sat in the car and watched as Mr. Chili carried LC to the station doors. My eyes welled up, watching my big boys go off to a night of fun. I felt so many things: so proud of Mr. Chili for being such a great dad, so proud of LC for being so mature, sad that I wasn't going with them (and a bit jealous too), sad about LC not needing me as much anymore. Etc.

I know LC does need me. But not like he used to. And most days I'm grateful that daddy is not only a choice, but the preferred choice. The first two years of LC's life were very, uh, intense and demanding of me. He was very attached and I was a nursing/co-sleeping/etc momma. So I was the ne plus ultra of comfort. And I remember wishing that he would just leave me alone for a moment. And now that time has come and I'm a bit sad about it. Never satisfied, some might say... Or is it that we always want what we don't have. I don't know. I figure these feelings are okay, so long as I don't wallow in them.

What makes me feel better is realizing that I am going to get a chance to do those first two years (and more) all over again. I'm terrified and thrilled. I'm now 17 weeks pregnant. Pinto Bean (PB) is doing great. And in just a few short months, I'll get another shot (probably my last) at doing this all again.

I'm blessed.


* We sell most of them, they're so danged expensive.

What an interesting month, part 2

29-Jun, evening
I've been aware all day that my period has not yet arrived. But it was late last month (by one stinking day) and I foolishly got excited, POAS got a BFN and my period promptly arrived two hours later. Hah! The universe is so funny.

While the big boss is droning on about how we're all losing our jobs, my mind is (semi-hysterically) thinking - man, wouldn't it be strange if I was pregnant now? Huh. Nah.

After Mr. Chili and I hashed out different scenarios for my future employment, I mentioned, oh so casually, that my period was late, just a day mind you, and that I was going to POAS in the morning. That would make my period show up!

30-Jun, 0600.
After a restless sleep, I find myself wide awake at 0600. Ugh. Not my favourite time to be awake. Especially since I was going to give myself the luxury of sleeping in that day. I mean, really, I was losing my job. Who cares if I come in at 0900 or 1000?

I lie in our bed, wide awake. And I know why I'm awake. The tantalizing possibility that I could be pregnant is in my brain, buzzing around. It's like the elephant in the room. Can't stop looking at it, thinking about it. So I quietly get out of bed, trying not to disturb Mr. Chili and LC. LC has had a restless night, the kind that really makes us wish that LC was ready for his own bed. Mr. Chili is sprawled out on his stomach, on top of the covers, in his boxers. So sexy and rumpled.

I quietly walk into the bathroom. Pull out the only pregnancy test I have. I decide to take it downstairs to the half bathroom. Don't have to worry about disturbing anyone. Even the cat and dog are still asleep. I bring the instructions. God knows why. It's not like pregnancy tests are uber-complicated. I pee on the stick. I have to watch. I watch my pee travel up the stick, and I stare unblinking at one and then two lines appear. No faint shadow of a line here, but a definite positive.

Holy shit.

Outwardly, I think I appear pretty calm. But inwardly, my mind is in turmoil. I am laughing at the universe's timing. I am grateful, so very, very grateful. I realize what a miracle this is. And I realize that if I wasn't pregnant now, we'd have to do the responsible thing and stop trying until I found a new job. And then wait until I was established in my new job. It could be a year or more. And that would suck even more. So I'll take my turmoil and uncertainty because it comes with a pregnancy.

I don't know how long I sat on the toilet. Eventually, I come upstairs, stick clutched in my hand. And I lie in bed, waiting until a more civilized hour to wake Mr. Chili. I don't even know how to tell him. I wonder if he'll be excited. I can't remember how he reacted when I was pg with LC. Just before 0700, I can't take it anymore. I walk over to his side of the bed, and I kiss his cheek. And I place the stick in his hand. He says he's been awake the whole time - that he heard me get up. He knew I was gone for a while and wondered if that meant good news. Other that a wow, he doesn't really react. And I am disappointed. That neither of us is jumping-up-and-down excited. I guess we're just not like that. And to be fair, we're both still in shock that I've lost my job.

Later on in the shower, I remember that Mr. Chili took a while to react last time too. This is normal.

We talk a bit in the morning over LC and during morning preparations for work and school. We decide that this is going to make one hell of a story. How often do you lose your job and find out you're pregnant in the same 24 hours?

So interweb, that's the big stuff. There's lots more to talk about - vacation, sickness, telling people, job searching while pregnant. I'll get to it. I'm sure you understand that things are very busy right now.

Not-so-strangely silent (aka What an Interesting Month)

So interweb. How are you? It's been an interesting month since I last posted.

29-Jun:
At 3 o'clock in the afternoon, my employer announced that they are closing down the engineering center that employs me. Everyone is gone - 200 engineers and managers. Quite a shock. Some people are being "separated" (that's the term du jour, apparently) in September, most in December and a few in March. Holy shit. In some ways this news is a total shock. In hindsight, there were some warnings. None of which I should talk about here, since I do want to remain employed until my separation date.

The part that really sucks is that I like it here. I was really getting into the grove in my role, finding a lot of satisfaction in it. Felt like I was making a difference. An impact.

That night, Mr. Chili and I talked a lot. About different scenarios.

I guess the only good thing is that I updated my resume in April, so it didn't need much tweaking to be ready. I was considering the possibility of leaving my employer for another job, very interesting, very challenging. But that opportunity fizzled out, and I let it go. Like I said, I was really enjoying my job.

Now? After a month, I have regained some motivation and momentum. It took a while. It's hard to be motivated. It's hard not to think "fuck you". And "what are they going to do? Fire me?" But I'm pretty much over that and I want to finish things up and leave them in a good state.

The severance package really bites. It's so small that the message I'm getting is, "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out". It's disappointing, because my employer is usually a pretty classy. I know that past layoffs have had much better packages. So I have no incentive to stay for my package. I just want to get the hell out of here.

And then it got more complicated.

22-Jun Not-so-fitness journal

Weight yesterday = 151.6 lbs.
Yes, that's right. I managed to gain back any minimal loss I might have had. In fact, yesterday I broke the previous record of 151.2lbs. Gah. I suck.

Weight today = 150.8lbs.
Better. I actually ate well yesterday and went for a run.

Okay. Time to come clean. I think the real (and so secret I don't want to admit it out loud) reason I haven't been dedicated to losing weight is that I want to get pregnant. Again. I am ready to have a second child. If you know me, you'll know that this is a mind-blowing revelation. Seriously. And it's not one that I can admit out loud. Well, that's not true. I did admit it to Mr. Chili a few months ago. And we started tentatively trying in May. Kind of trying-without-actually-admitting that we're trying. As in, I'm using the ovulation signs to time sex to give us a shot at hitting the egg. But given our history (trying to conceive LC was non-trivial. Although nowhere near what many, many others have gone through), I had no expectations that we would get lucky on the first shot.

So mentally, I am holding myself in limbo, thinking crap thoughts like, "No point in losing weight now because I'm hoping to be pregnant soon and I'll just gain it back."

That's just stupid. Because I know if I'm in better shape, I'll have a better pregnancy. G*d knows I cannot afford to gain 65 fu**ing pounds like last time.

And that's the truth. Now that I've admitted it out loud, maybe I'll be able to regain and maintain my focus? Let's hope so.

Not-so-Fitness Journal

Where to start? I still weigh anywhere from 149-151 lbs. I haven't lost a bit. And I know why. I lack the drive and committement to change my eating habits and lifestyle to lose weight.

I feel:

• Fat. The clothes that fit me last year don't.
• Ugly. I just don't look as good as I could.
• Frustrated. That it it within my power to lose these 8 or so pounds and I can't get my sh!t together to lose.
• Apathetic. I look okay, kind of. But then I try on clothes in my closet that fit last summer. And they don't fit. And I feel like sh!t.

I have a million excuses.

• I'm busy. Now that I'm working full-time, it's really tough to find time to exercise. And I have a toddler. Who I want to spend time with
• I'm tired. See above.
• I'm not motivated. I look okay. Kinda.
• There's always an excuse to eat junk or just too much. BBQ at work, dinner at MILs, anniversary celebration with Mr. Chili, feeling blue, feeling happy.
• ...

I am annoyed with myself for not being more motivated. I know how to do this. I have done this before. The real pisser is that I was down to 140 (pre-pg weight) in April, 2005. What the f**k happened? I got plantar fasciitis, I stopped training so hard, but kept eating.

I'm a problem solver. So how do I solve this problem? I feel like an alcholic - I swear that I'm going to stop overeating & start exercising. And I do, for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days. Then I fall off the wagon. And it starts again.

How do I find the motivation to stay committed. I've toyed with the idea of joining WW. But I resist - I say, "it's only 8 pounds", "I can do this myself", "I've done this before". But it's not working. I'm not staying motivated and committed. Arrrrgggh!

I want to end this post with a committment to my body and my health. But I don't want to because I feel like I'll just break this promise too. I know I can do better. I just have to figure out how.

Mind in the Gutter, Part 2

Continuing the journey into my strange little mind...

At the building where I work, we have a problem with Canada Geese

[Photo source: http://www.jacksonbottom.org]

They are big birds that like to nest in the middle of the parking lot. Not good for people or geese. In an effort to humanely discourage the geese from choosing this building's parking lot for nesting, the building management company has implemented a...wait for it....



GOOSE MANAGEMENT PROGRAM

Laughing yet? In my vocabulary, a goose is "pinch in the buttocks; 'he goosed the unsuspecting girl'" (source). So the first time I heard this, all I could think about was a management-sanctioned program that encourages us to pinch each other's asses. *snort*

The reality is it's a pretty cool program, that uses a fake coyote (moved strategically every day), lasers at night and a cannon at night, which all work to make the geese think that this is not a cool place to land. Much better than any other option of poisoning or hunting or...

What's wrong with having geese on the property? A few things:

• Nesting geese are very agressive, and large sections of the parking lot have to be cordoned off, and parking is limited.
• Geese and cars are a bad combination. (Last year, before the program was started, two geese were killed.)
• Geese are messy, and leave poop everywhere

*goose* Hah.