Not-so-Fitness Journal

Where to start? I still weigh anywhere from 149-151 lbs. I haven't lost a bit. And I know why. I lack the drive and committement to change my eating habits and lifestyle to lose weight.

I feel:

• Fat. The clothes that fit me last year don't.
• Ugly. I just don't look as good as I could.
• Frustrated. That it it within my power to lose these 8 or so pounds and I can't get my sh!t together to lose.
• Apathetic. I look okay, kind of. But then I try on clothes in my closet that fit last summer. And they don't fit. And I feel like sh!t.

I have a million excuses.

• I'm busy. Now that I'm working full-time, it's really tough to find time to exercise. And I have a toddler. Who I want to spend time with
• I'm tired. See above.
• I'm not motivated. I look okay. Kinda.
• There's always an excuse to eat junk or just too much. BBQ at work, dinner at MILs, anniversary celebration with Mr. Chili, feeling blue, feeling happy.
• ...

I am annoyed with myself for not being more motivated. I know how to do this. I have done this before. The real pisser is that I was down to 140 (pre-pg weight) in April, 2005. What the f**k happened? I got plantar fasciitis, I stopped training so hard, but kept eating.

I'm a problem solver. So how do I solve this problem? I feel like an alcholic - I swear that I'm going to stop overeating & start exercising. And I do, for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days. Then I fall off the wagon. And it starts again.

How do I find the motivation to stay committed. I've toyed with the idea of joining WW. But I resist - I say, "it's only 8 pounds", "I can do this myself", "I've done this before". But it's not working. I'm not staying motivated and committed. Arrrrgggh!

I want to end this post with a committment to my body and my health. But I don't want to because I feel like I'll just break this promise too. I know I can do better. I just have to figure out how.