How warped is my body image?

Seriously warped.

In addition to helping control the thrush, these dietary restrictions have another great side effect: weight loss. I have lost all my prw-baby weight and then some. I weigh less than I've weighed in five years. It's not all diet related, I've also been running three times a week and have gone as far as 10km. I'm wearing a size six in pants - I don't think I've ever worn a six before. I really like my new body. It feels good to be fit and healthy and still be able to nourish Pepperette.

So with all of this good news, how is it that I still feel fat sometimes??? For maybe two weeks after my weight stabilized, I could really see how my arms were smaller, I have a waist again and my legs look leaner. Obviously I'm wearing a smaller clothing size too. And yet yesterday, when I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I automatically started to catalogue my flaws - thighs too fat, boobs still huge, etc. I've lost 33 pounds. I can't believe that I'm so conditioned to believe that I'm fat that I slide right back into beating myself up. Have I been so programmed by society? By the patriarchy? It's pathetic.

(This is going to sound annoying, but it is true. I've not been trying to lose weight. The anti-candida diet means that I can't eat crap - no processed stuff, no sugar, no alcohol, no bread. It is pretty ineveitable that you lose weight if you cut all the crap out of your diet. I will confess that although weight loss was not the goal, I'm vain enough to be very happy about being thinner.)

House of plague

I am seriously going to rename our humble abode "the house of plague". After packing LC off to school this morning with a song in my heart and a skip in my step, I was shocked when the doctor's office called to tell me that the throat swab they took last week for LC? The one that was a formality? That the doctor asked me if I really wanted it? Yeah, that one. It came back positive for strep. I felt awful that we sent him to school while he was infectious, but honestly, he seemed fine. Back to normal. I had to pick him up from school immediately, begged Mr. Chili to come home and watch LC so I could take Pepperette and myself to the doctors to check if we had strep and pickup LC's prescription.

LC was quite happy to be picked up from school early. He said he felt fine. It was tempting to skip the antibiotics, but I didn't want him to get sick again. And there is the whole 'can't go back to school until he's been on antibiotics for 24 hours'. Oh - and when I described to the doctor LC's fever, full body rash and positive strep test, he commented that LC likely had scarlet fever. WTF? Isn't scarlet fever a big deal? As in you can die from it? Obviously you can get a mild case.

LC will be home again on Tuesday. And I can't take him out to a playgym to burn off that energy while he's contagious. Wish me luck. I am distinctly cranky about a second week of disruption of my precious time without LC so I can get things done. At least the doctor didn't think I have strep. I really hope not. The thought of taking antibiotics terrifies me. If I get a thrush flareup from something as small as eating a bit of avacado, I can only imagine how severe the thrush would be if I took antibiotics. Having had thrush before, I'm pretty sure this is just a cold.

A programming note: I love my iPod touch, and its the only reason I'm managing to post at all. However, I don't have full editing and it's hard to view the entire post, so it is really tough to maintain any continuity of narrative. My apologies to the zero readers of this blog. Ah well. It feels good to get some of these thoughts out of my head.

A great movie

Sorry for the incomplete post. I was interupted by small children and had to post, lest I lose the entire thing.

Last night, after both kids were asleep, I sat down and watched a movie. I'm coming down with a cold, complete with body aches and a sinus headache. Staying up til midnight was not a smart thing to do. But I had heard so many good things about this movie that I finally rented it on Sat night. It was totally worth staying up for.

"Once" is a lovely film. It has so many elements that resonate with me - it's set in Ireland, features lots of gorgeous acoustic guitar-driven music, and feels very real. I tried to get Mr. Chili to watch it with me, but as soon as the word "musical" passed my lips, his eyes glazed and he said he was going to bed.

This is not a typical musical. There's no 'spontaneous' breaking into song. Instead it's about a guy and a girl who sing together. It's a simple little story. The music is so good that I really want to buy the soundtrack. I played the french horn for many years, with a number of groups, some semi-professional. One of the groups I played made a couple of recordings so I could totally relate to the recording process as shown in the movie. The thing that the movie really nailed was the pure joy and sense of connection that you get when you're playing. It's hard to describe the transcendent joy that happens when you're completely in synch with someone.

I'm going to cut this off now before I ramble on further. Blame it on the cold.

That's better

Wow. Is there anything that a good night's sleep can't fix? Pepperette and LC had the best night of sleep they've had in ages. I feel human this morning and in a good mood. Knowing myself though, I wonder how long it will last...

I was suposed to attend a yoga class this morning - by myself. For the first time since Pepperette was born. But I deliberately didn't set an alarm, and the kids actually slept in, so not enough time to nurse Pepperette and get there. I'm bummed, but so glad to have gotten a good night's sleep.

We had a pretty good day yesterday. LC did okay at hisf irst dentist appt. Unfortunately we had to wait so long in the waiting room that we used up most of LC's good will. He actually laid down in the chair and let her count his teeth, but when it came time to polish/clean his teeth and have his teeth checked by the hygenist, he was having none of it. We decided to end the appt when it became obvious that LC was losing it. Kicking, whining, saying no. He wasn't going to calm down, and there was no point in traumatizing him.

After the dentist, we headed to one of the large suburban malls for lunch and errands. We were pretty productive. With the dietary restrictions P and I have, there is very little that I can eat. So the boys had sushi (sigh), P and I had New York Fries. These are the only fast food fries that I can have. There is no crap in them - only potaoes cooked in oil. All other fries that I've looked at: Wendys, McDonalds, Burger King - they all have freaking dextrose. Why the fuck do you need to add salt and sugar to French fries???

After lunch, we asked LC if he wanted to try playing in the kids play area. We've never tried it before. It's an on-site daycare where you can drop off your kid for one or two hours. They have to be 18 months to 12 years. And it costs $6/he. Shopping with my hands free? Priceless. (Mr. Chili was holding Pepperette.) Spent my gymbucks on a very cute bathing suit for Pepperette and a casual dress. Found a couple of cheap pairs of pants for myself too. We were all tired after this (I squeezed in a 7.6km run in the morning), so we headed home. LC said he had a good time at the play centre.

A quiet night at home, baths for the kids, and an escape for me. Even though I was bone weary, I headed to a local coffee place for a cup of tea and some alone time. It was most excellent. Mr. Chili had a good night too, blowing stuff up on his xbox 360 while listening for the kids on the baby monitor.

Yeah, it was a pretty good day. On tap for today: showering (yes, I have to schedule that), groceries, vacuuming, trying to stay sane. Normal stuff.

Pepperette is finished nursing and getting into everything. I'd better go.

And the fun continues

Or should I say the snot continues.

Thursday started off well. Ok, not great, Pepperette had a fever and cough, but at least LC was well enough to go to school. Again, I got smacked down. A mere one hour after being dropped off, the school called. LC had a terrible rash on his face and could I come get him. Note that he had rash on his chest and back that morning, but nothing on his face. And tyically, viral rashes appear after the fever and the person is no longer contagious. I know this from Dr. Google.

I had to wake Pepperette, who had only been asleep for half an hour, poor thing. Then I called the doctor's office and asked if they could see LC after Pepperette. I was pretty confident that LC was fine, but since I was already taking P in, and was going to have to drag LC along, what the heck. I also called my Mom and begged her to come over. She agreed, said she would come soon. And showed up three hours later. Now I know I'm being an ingrate here, but she was so late that I almost had to get Mr. Chili to come home from work.

Trying to shorten the story... Dr appt went well. My mom helped wrangle the kids. Pepperette is still small, but consistently so. When she's healthy, bring her back for her shot. LC's rash is viral, although she did take a throat swab just to check. So good news. No one was very ill. After the appt we went to the little cafe nearby, so I could nurse Pepperette and LC could have a snack. Good thing my Mom was there, because as I was packing up, LC took off. God, my kid posses me off so much sometimes. My Mom got him while I put Pepperette back in her car seat.

Once home, the afternoon was pretty uneventful. Way too much tv for LC, cranky Pepperette, cranky me, my mom trying to be helpful. I was so glad when Mr. Chili came home early.

Friday was moreoif the same. LC was feeling fine, as evidenced by his full-on attitude. I wanted to take the kids to some sort of play-gym, but was afraid we would be rejected when they saw LC's face. So we stayed home. Pepperette wasn't napping and she has this nasty diaper rash that just isn't getting better. LC was driving me around the bend. Again, Mr. Chili came home early.

So how much do I suck as a mom that I can't handle two sick kids for three days? I am so dependent on LC going to Montessori. It's pathetic.

It's the weekend now. Mr. Chili is around full-time. I finally get to go for a run. Sans kids. LC has his first dentist appt. Man, I hope he does okay. We've tried to prep him.

Gotta go. Been typing this on my Touch while Pepperette has a marathon nursing session. And both of them need to end.

New day, same snot

LC stayed home from school yesterday. My Mom came over which made the
day easier. I'm grateful that my Mom is retired and willing to help
sometimes. LC was sick enough to be subdued, but not enough to be
totally miserable. I thought that Pepperette was going to get off
lightly - just a runny nose and a bit of crankiness. I was even a bit
smug, that the amazing powers of breastfeeding had saved her

Oh I hate being smacked down. You think I'd learn.

Pepperette had a terrible sleep. She wouldn't go down, when she did go
to sleep at 10:00pm, she was restless and moaning. Then she woke up at
5:30am. I nursed her for a while and she was wide awake. Ugh. Mr.
Chili to the rescue, he took her downstairs so I could get just a bit
more sleep. When I came down, Mr. Chili was holding a very fussy baby,
who has not only a cough, but a fever.

And I can't give her any relief. Both tylenol and motrin have corn
syrup and/or sucrose. Last time I gave her some Tylenol, after an
immunization, we had a bad thrush flareup. Yes, that's right, one
lousy ml of Tylenol and we're in agony for days. So unless her fever
gets really high, I'm not going to medicate.

Ironically, she has a dr appt for a weight check and immunization. I
guess we'll go, but have to do the shot later.

I'm going to call the pharmacy that does compunding and see if there
is a no sugar/no sweetener form of Tylenol or motrin.

Man, I need to get some sleep. Maybe then I might have something
interesting to say. Or would at least whine less.

Thrush report: better today. The only quash-new thing in Pepperette
and my diet is avacado, which she loves, and I've been eating too many
Tera chips. So no more of either of those. I find it hard to believe
that the avacado could cause a reaction, but this thrush thing is so
fucked up.

I've nursed Pepperette into a stupor, so I'm going to try and transfer
her so I can eat my breakfast.

A fun night in the Chili household

Or not. It's 6:45am, I'm sitting here nursing Pepperette. It's not that early, unless you've been up many times in the night. Pepperette had a hard time falling asleep last night, didn't go down until oh, 11:00pm. And LC, who has had a scratchy voice and minor cough for a couple of days developed a fever last night. We knew something was up because he was strangely cooperative at dinner (didn't try to leave the table while eating, didn't bother Pepperette, actually listened), complained of being cold, and then decided to lay on the couch after dinner. He was then asleep by 7:45pm - early. He was also restless and got up three or four times. Fortunately for me, Mr. Chili took LC so I could handle Peperette. So here I sit, exhausted, knowing that LC won't be going to Montessori today. There go my plans for the day. Sucks.

And yes, I would like some cheese with my whine. Wow, is this a whiney post. Sorry 'bout that.

I just really hope it is a virus that LC has - regardless, I'll have to get a urine sample. This is the first fever he's had since stopping the prophylactic antibiotics in Dec. Let's hope it's not a bladder infection. Because that would be a very bad thing.

While I'm whining, I'll also mention that my nips are very sore. Which means a thrush flareup. And I have no idea why. I am so tired of the pain. Even though it is sooo much better, I still get flareup. And I'm tired of it. But short of stopping breastfeeding, there's really nothing else to do except live with it, continue the diet, take all the pills. And feel defective for having the most persistent case of thrush ever.

I'll try to be in a better mood next time I post.

Brief update, written on my new toy

Not the most exciting post title. Creativity escapes me at 6:30 in the morning. I am attempting to not only write this entry on my new Ipod touch (a very surprising pressie from Mr. Chili, who was tired of hearing me grouse about the limitations of my Palm LifeDrive. A device that was great but also spontaneously rebooted at least once a day.) but also to do out via mobile blogging.

Le's see...what's new.
- Pepperette is under the weather with a cold. Beyond that she is doing very well. She is crawling up a storm, going faster and faster every day, and growls (really) with delight as she does so. She is also pulling herself to her knees, but not yet to a full stand. My baby is growing too fast, something that seems to be a phenomenon reserved for second babies. She is 10.5 months. Which means only six weeks left of my maternity leave.

- Which means I have to start looking for a job. Not just any job, but one that allows for flexible hours and is, ideally, part-time. Not an easy thing to find in my industry. I have to remind myself that I don't have to rush into a job. I have time. And that it's worth the financial sacrifice and career derailment to have more time with my family. The old cliche is true: they're only young once.

- The thrush is still pretty much gone, provided that I adhere strictly to the diet. Which I do. Because I am tired of pain.

- LC is doing well. Constantly surprising us with his comments and questions. Exhausting us with his tantrums.

- Mr. Chili is doing well too. He is very happy that I have started to find my libido. He was around a lot over Christmas and New Years, and if was lovely.

More to say, but very scared I'm going to lose this. Later!