My son has a hair fetish.

(Or maybe I should change that title so I don't get any weird search hits...)

Pretty much since LC was born, he has always reached up to put his hand on the nape of my neck and tangle his hand in my hair. Even when he was a newborn and not coordinated enough to do it on purpose, one hand was always reaching for my hair while nursing.

Honestly? By about six months it was driving me batty by the end of the day. At the beginning of the day it was cute and sweet. By the end of the day, I was usually a leeeetle touched out and felt like screaming "get your hand out of my fireplacing hair!"

As LC grew and got older, many things changed - how often he nursed, the position he nursed in, where he nurse, etc. But one thing stayed constant - his desire - no - unconscious instinct to reach for my hair.

Once he had enough words, he started demanding, "Hair!" at bedtime. Even (especially?) after he'd weaned, he would say, "Hair, please." And I'd move closer, lying next to him and he would tangle his fist in my hair.

He's 3 and some months old now. And he still reaches for my hair at bedtime if I'm there. If it's Mr. Chili doing the bedtime routine, sometimes there will be tears when he wants my hair and it's not there. Mr. Chili has tried offering his hair, but no one else's will do. "It's too short", LC says. And if LC is upset/sad/tired/frustrated, and I pick him up, he'll instinctively reach for the hair.

I remember sitting in the nursing chair when he was about a year old and realizing that I was going to miss the closeness - that my complaints to Mr. Chili about wanting his hand OUT OF MY HAIR were going to change, some day, to missing that hand. Turns out I haven't complained about missing it much. LC has not outgrown his desire to have his hand in my hair. And I love it. It a comfort that only I can provide. And you know what? That feels pretty good.

Sometimes this mommy gig is pretty sweet.

[Will try to find a pic demonstrating the hair grab, but can't find any pics on this computer's HD. It'd help if we could manage to organize our pics...]

Grumpy

I don't remember this stuff from my pg with LC. Or was in such denial/depression already that I didn't notice it?

All I know is that yesterday I was especially:
1. Short on patience w/LC
and everyone else. But especially LC. Who really wasn't trying my patience more than usual. He was just being a normal 3 year old. I just had no ability to deflect/distract/cajole/whatever from LC's antics and famous not-listening (aka ignoring) skills.

I completely lacked the ability to laugh at myself tonight too.

2. Tired
At the end of the work day, and I didn't work all that hard (mentally or physically), I was exhausted. I got in my car, drove home and thought, "Man, am I tired."

And I had the best (and longest) sleep the night before. Best sleep in ages.

~~
So after dinner, I asked/told Mr. Chili that I needed to go out and run some errands. And I did. I had a coat on hold for LC (bought a size 3, decided a 4 would be better, needed to exchange). Also needed to pick up an anniversary gift for Mr. Chili. And a card.

I can't believe how lame the anniversary cards are. Blah, blah, mush, blah. Finally settled on a card, figuring it's what I write that counts, not the card. Cannot think of a good wood-based gift (the traditional 5th wedding anniversary gift), so I bought him a new Xbox 360 game and plan to tape a toothpick to it... Sneaky, eh?

Also bought a present for LC from his new baby brother or sister. Got him a new Playmobil set - a police van. Should buy us some hours of entertainment, I hope.

~~
The grumpiness reminds me of my old PMS struggles. I know I'm being a b_tch/not reacting normally/etc., but I can't seem to stop myself. Ah well, so long as it doesn't last, I'm sure Mr. Chili and LC will forgive me.

I hope tomorrow is a less grumpy day.

Moments of LC cuteness

LC woke up in a good mood this morning. We all had a good sleep.

He said, "I'm going to be the big brother. And baby is going to be my sister (1). We'll call her Lisa-baby. (2)"

Then he leaned over, pulled up my pyjama top and planted a huge raspberry (3) on my belly.

Teh cute! (4)

Notes:
(1) LC usually says the baby going to be a boy. And that he wants a brother. No, we didn't find out the gender during our ultrasounds. We like surprises.
(2) No matter whether he says it's a boy or a girl, his choice of names is "Lisa-baby". We have a good friend named Lisa, we're guessing it's a tribute to her. The real Lisa is pretty tickled.
(3) As in "thhhbbbppppt". See here.
(4) "Teh", variation on "the". Commonly seen at Phantom's place. Now also defined in Wikipedia. (Cool!)

Other moments:
We've not been pushing the idea of the new baby too much with LC, just letting him think about it. And he's been talking more and more about the new baby. Cute stuff like while on the potty, he'll say,
"I know how to pee on the potty, but the new baby won't. 'Cause babies don't know how to."

True enough, I'll say. This sentence & variations on it are becoming very common. "The new baby won't be able to do X, I can show the new baby how to do X". Love it! So cute.

On Sunday, LC sat on his Sponge Bob couch with "baby" (a doll that we gave him for his 3rd birthday). Mr. Chili covered him with a blanket. And LC sat there, reading stories to his baby. He picked books that he knows so well he can "read" them out loud. It was heart-melting.

Post-Partum Depression Redux?

I really hope not.

I'm 34.5 weeks pregnant and today I went to my GP to ask for a referral to a psychiatric unit that specializes in treating post-partum depression. It's at a big downtown hospital, not especially convenient or close, but my midwives recommended it, so I took a deep breath and started taking steps.

I don't want to experience PPD again. I really, really don't. And I've been feeling so much better this pg, not to mention I wasn't depressed when I got pregnant, and I'm in much better shape this time. Mentally and physically, I am doing so much better. So I've been in denial-land for most of the pregnancy, "Lalalalala. I'm fine. I'll be fine." Then my midwife correctly reminded me that if you've had PPD once, you're more at risk for getting it with subsequent pregnancies. Ah, right.

I remember from last time how hard it was to see that I needed help. To ask for that help was almost impossible. And the people who love me didn't know what to do to help me. So I suffered and Mr. Chili and LC suffered too. This time will be different. I am being proactive and lining up a psychiatrist NOW. I have enlisted Mr. Chili and a good friend to intervene if they see me sliding and I'm not getting help. This makes me feel better, that I'm going to be okay.

I've never seen a psychiatrist/counselor/etc before. I've always muddled through my depressive episodes. But I cannot do this again. I cannot be the unhappy, anxious mess that I was for more than 10 months after LC was born. No one, least of all me and this baby deserves that.

Triggers for PPD w/LC:
[I recognize that these are whines - putting things in perspective, most would thing "Enh. Big deal. What a whiner! Complaining about a fast labour? Bite me." Too me, at the time, all these things contributed. This is where my head was.]

- had trouble getting pregnant, didn't cope well
- was headed downwards, then surprise pg
- job was very stressful - working huge amounts of overtime (70hrs/week)
- LC was 3w early - took me by surprise. I hadn't started my mat leave, I hadn't gotten ready at all.
- Labour was precipitous and I was traumatized by it
- LC wouldn't latch for 6w. I persevered by paid a heavy price
- Chronic thrush = chronic pain for about 8 months. Toe-curling, screaming kind of pain every time LC latched.
- Tough time adjusting to motherhood. I had a hard time letting go of my go-go-go type A tendencies and just going with the flow.
- LC was miserable for the first 6 weeks when he wouldn't latch. The he got sick with a chronic bladder/kidney infection that went undiagnosed for a long time. The docs kept saying he was just colicky. No he fucking wasn't. He was in pain. He cried so much for so many months.
- sleep deprivation. Standard stuff, but it hurts.

Confession time:
I started to climb out of my PPD haze when LC was about 10 months old. This coincided with Mr. Chili being home for a month, and when LC was 11 months old, I started back at work part-time. Did I start feeling better because I went back to work/got away from my child?

I have huge guilt there. It's like my dirty little secret. I wasn't happy being at home with LC. Was is PPD? Or was it that I wanted to be back at work? I don't know.

My PPD symptoms:
There is a good questionnaire about PPD here. Taking the quiz today, through my memory filter, I scored 22/30. To quote the results,

"You may be experiencing depression.
It's highly recommended that you talk to your health care provider"

Yeah. Too bad I couldn't see it then.


I never thought about killing/harming myself or LC. It didn't get that bad. Thank goodness. That being said, these are some of the things I struggled with:

- I used to fantasize about escaping. If I could just get in the car and go away. Leave LC with Mr. Chili. They would be so much better off without me. I was just bringing them down, making them miserable. I would spend ages evaluating different scenarios, where I would drive - anywhere, whether I would use a credit card (they could trace me that way) or just take cash.
- I was anxious about everything. Anxious that LC was going to cry, that he would stop latching again, that he would never stop crying. I would get so anxious about leaving the house to meet friends for coffee/tea. Once there, LC was always better than I expected, and I nearly always enjoyed having social time with friends. But the angst to get there!
- I cried a lot. I cried when thing were good or friends were nice to me. I cried when LC just wouldn't give me a break. I cried so much.
- I was so desperately unhappy. Over and over in my head, I would think about how miserable I was. And I would wonder in a distant way why I couldn't enjoy myself when things were going well. I couldn't get motivated to do normal household stuff - cleaning, dishes, cooking. Even things that gave me pleasure, I would just be overwhelmed by starting. I watched a lot of TV while nursing LC and would just sit in a chair for hours at a time, trying to shut off my brain.
- I overreacted to everything, even small things. Had no perspective.

How did I get better? And without drugs or psychiatric help?
First off, my midwives were wonderful for the birth of LC. The same midwives are delivering this one too. But they were not all that helpful when it came to breastfeeding support. And since they follow you for six weeks post-partum, they didn't see that I wasn't getting better.

Then, when LC was six months old, I cried to Mr. Chili that I had to do something. I kept waiting, but wasn't getting better. I booked an appt with my GP. He took time off work and came with me (and LC came too, natch.) My GP basically said that I should call my work benefit Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) number and get a referral from them. She didn't seem to take seriously how I was feeling, nor understand the tremendous effort it had taken for me to call & book this appt. I left feeling that I was making a big deal out of nothing (not caused by what she said, but caused by the depression). And so I never called the EAP. And I never got help. I tried.

Btw, I am not against drugs for treating PPD. It's not my first choice, because I'd prefer not to pass any trace of anything to PB via breastmilk. And I will be breastfeeding again. But I also recognize that I can't function again like that, so I will consider drugs if it starts to get bad again. There are safe(r) drugs for treating PPD while breastfeeding [ref].

Moxie, dear Moxie, has some great tips on ways to avoid/minimize the risk of/deal with PPD. Please read here - there is a series of seven posts so far.

I started running when LC was about five months old. Very slowly, very haltingly. I joined a running clinic at my local running store and started to socialize a bit - for 45 minutes every Saturday morning. Running really helped. Helped me feel more in control.

My treatment plan:
(Still being developed.)
- started pre-natal yoga at ~11 weeks, still going. Love it. I feel like it's really helping mentally and physically.
- less stress (Believe it or not. It's been less stressful being laid off and dealing with getting screwed in terms of serverance/mat leave than last pg when I was working too much)
- Meet with psychiatrist in PPD unit at hospital before PB is born
- More prepared for baby, breastfeeding
- Intervention team lined up (Mr. Chili, couple of friends)

Most of all: I keep repeating my new mantra.

"I am a different person now.

I will cope differently.

I will not react the same even if the exact same problems arise again."

Good stuff in December - LC

Sorry to have (re)posted this multiple times. I kept hitting Ctrl-S instead of Ctrl-C. Oops.

[For some context, see here.]

December brought another visit to local Children’s hospital. And some good news. And sweet relief.

Our last appt, in Jun-05, had the staff urologist preparing us for the worst. Left kidney badly scarred, not working well, reflux on left side not likely to resolve, surgery likely to either remove the bad kidney (thus resolving the reflux: no kidney means no connection to the bladder = no reflux). Gulp. Not life-threatening, by any means, but scary to us.

In the meantime, we were told to continue with the prophylactic dose of antibiotics (daily dose) and to be vigilant about getting urine samples with any unexplained fever (monitor for breakthrough infection). Oh, and when it comes to potty training, we were warned to be very gentle with him - no pressure - because holding urine only makes the reflux worse and increases his chance of another infection. Gulp again.

The doc also said next appt he would want to run a flow rate test to make sure LC was able to completely empty his bladder, so don't bring him back until he's potty trained. Hm, I thought, he'll be almost three by Jun-06, he should be potty trained by then...

Yes, please, go ahead and laugh.

Jun-06 is rapidly approaching. LC is nowhere near potty trained. Because Mommy and Daddy are too scared to try it. We're just not sure if he's ready. And we're scared of traumatizing him and making his reflux/kidney worse. Postpone appt to Sep-06.

Sep-06. After a false start in Jul-06, we are now in full-blown potty training. He's making progress, but not ready for prime-time. Postpone appt again, this time to Dec-06.

Dec-06. Finally ready! LC is doing awesome with the potty training.

The actual appointment
1. Flow rate test
We tried to give LC lots to drink before the epic drive from suburb to downtown. Not enough apparently. LC's bladder isn't full enough to run the test. LC is not impressed with the nurse running the test, and starts full-on screaming when I explain to him that he needs to lie down so the nurse can take a picture of his insides. Not a good start. The nurse tells us to come back after his next test.

2. Renal ultrasound
Another floor, more waiting. Even though it's been a year, I still remember where to go, the rooms, most of the staff are the same too. Eventually, the very nice tech tells us that they don't have enough machines available right now, but if we want, we can go use the emergency room machine. Sure, we say, why not.

This tech is very, very nice. She talks calmly to LC, she tells him what she's going to do. LC is very cooperative, he lies down and is very calm. It's almost like he's in a trance. Now maybe he's just overwhelmed, I don't know. Because he's not screaming, I can watch. She scans the right kidney first. To my layperson eyes, it looks rather, well, kidney-ish. Then she moves to the left side. Takes her a while to find it. Then she does. Oh. Wow. What a differnce. This thing doesn't really look like a kidney, it's very small, darker than the other. So doesn't look like there is good news there.

The ultrasound tech tells us his bladder looks full. Good news for doing the flow rate test.

3. Flow rate test (attempt #2)
Try again. Nope, bladder still not full enough. Damn. Oh well, just have to skip that test this year. We all agree that the next test is more important.

4. VCUG.
This is not a fun test. This is the test where the insert a catheter up his penis through to the bladder, fill his bladder with radioactive fluid, and take a bunch of xrays, wait for his bladder to empty, and take more xrays.

He had this test done to confirm the VUR at 6 months old. That was hard. He screamed so much - because the catheter hurt and because he was being held down. Then he had a similar scan done at 18mos DMSA scan). Similar in that it involved being catheterized. The DMSA scan was the one that showed he had very little kidney function on the left side.

So the 2006 VCUG. Although Mr. Chili was with us, and was probably a wiser choice for the one parent/caregiver that is allowed in a treatment room, you know, him not being pregnant and all, I was adamant that I had to be the one there. I don't know why I felt I had to be there. I think I felt it was a Mom-thing. It had to be me. Plus I think sitting in the waiting room listening to LC cry and scream would be even worse. Mr. Chili, being the awesome guy that he is, stepped back and let me go. Then the tech came out, saw my belly, and said officially I shouldn't go in there, but she understood that I needed/wanted to be there, and said if I was okay with the risk of fetal exposure to radiation, they would double the lead gowns and let me in. (The risk to the fetus is highest in the first tri, I was well into the third tri.)

I carried LC in, sat him on the table. They wrapped one lead apron around my belly, then put a second lead full gown on me. I could barely move. Then we laid LC down on the xray table and I started trying to keep him calm. No dice. I had to hold his arms up over his head so that he didn't a) contaminate the sterile field and b) yank out the catheter. It was pretty brutal. It's hard to gently thread a catheter up there, and especially hard when the patient is tense and screaming. Eventually they got it done. His bladder wouldn't empty completely, not a good thing since there was radioactive dye in there, but it wasn't worth prolonging the trauma.

LC was exhausted afterwards. I carried him out, we got him dressed and I just held him for a long time. When he'd recovered, we headed down to the cafeteria for lunch. We asked LC what he wanted after surviving his last test. The answer was, "Sushi!". Awesome. Gotta love that kid. He ate a bunch of sushi, drank lots and started to recover.

5. Appt with urologist
My mom came to the hospital for this so that she could watch LC while Mr. Chili and I talked to the doctor. You could tell LC wasn't himself because he sat in my mom's lap and watched Treehouse TV like a zombie the entire time we were talking to the doctor.

I was relieved when a resident walked in. This is because I've learned, at least at this hospital, when the head of the dept or staff dr shows up, it's probably bad news. If it's the resident, then it's routine stuff. And it was!

Because LC hasn't had any breakthrough infections since the inital infection, and because his left kidney has just enough function to make it worth keeping (around 15% for those of you playing at home), the treatment plan is to....do nothing!

Well, okay, something. But no surgery. Continue w/antibiotics, continue monitoring for infection. Come back in a year. If still no infections, he'll be four, and after age four, the risk of infections drops dramatically in VUR kids. (I'm not exactly sure why. I assume it's due to just growing - the ureters are longer, so even if there is still reflux, it's less likely to cause an infection.) And LC still has bad reflux on his left side, but not severe. And it's probably not going away. Holy change of speed. Mr. Chili and I had whiplash - this was so different for what we had been prepared for. And such a relief!

The next day, my arms were sore. Deep muscle sore. Like I had worked out. Then I realized it was from being tense, holding LC down and the weight of the lead gown.

There was fallout from the VCUG for LC. Peeing hurt for a couple of days and he totally regressed. He withheld big-time. We did our best to be gentle and patient and he did recover within about a week.


Note: We did prep LC for the procedures, as much as we could. My mom found this awesome book which we read many, many times.

I also asked what to do about the new baby. VUR does run in siblings. And there is no way I am willing to take the chance of having another baby get so sick and be so miserable for months while we figure out it's chronic bladder infection and that the baby has badly damaged one kidney. So the resident recommended that within a month of the baby's arrival, we get ourselves down to the hospital for some tests - minimum of a renal ultrasound. If it's a boy, we'll also need a VCUG. (Boys are more likely to get sicker from VCUG.) I am not eager to subject a baby to these tests. But I cannot go through what we went through with LC again. The doctor said it's very unlikely that this baby will have the same health issues. But he agreed we couldn't take the risk. And since LC was sick within a few months of birth, we need to do this soon after the baby's birth.

I feel good about this. I think it's the right thing to do. Even though it's not gonna be fun.

And I'm still relieved and happy that LC doesn't need surgery!

Oh the joys of being laid off & pregnant!

Hah!

Okay, disclaimer: I recognize that I am very lucky. I am in a good position. I do still get to take up to 12 months off after I have this baby*. And I will find another job - I'm young enough and employable enough. Yes, everything will work out. I get that. Really.

Back to being ungrateful.

This sucks. Let me list the ways:
1a. My severance is being paid out while I am on mat leave. This will mess up my mat leave payments and I will lose out on almost half of my entitled employment insurance payments. (And I should get it, darnit, I paid into the EI system for years!)

1b. The purpose of severance is to provide a salary while you look for a job. Great. So it really makes sense to collect my severance while I am at home with a newborn. Because I'm really going to hit the job search hard and bring my infant with me to job interviews. NOT!!! My severance pay should be paid out when my leave is complete.

2. I will have a year-long gap in my resume. Yes, I can explain why, but that means I have say 1) I was laid off (not such a bad thing) and 2) I was on mat leave. Telling them I was on mat leave really sucks. It's none of their business that I was on mat leave. Telling them I was on mat leave means that I'm telling them I have at least one child. And because I am a woman, if they are stereotyping (and so many people do, myself included), they will assume that means I will be off more if my child is sick. It introduces an entire topic that has no bearing on my ability to do the job.

3. Part-time work.
When I returned to work after my mat leave with LC, I was able to come back 4 days a week for 16 months. It was a fantastic balance of work/home. I was very happy with the arrangement. Unfortunately it did end after 16 months, but man, what a difference that 16 months made. The odds of me being able to find a similar arrangement with a brand-new employer with whom I have established zero credibility? Very, very slim.

4. I actually like(d) my job.
I liked working for my current employer. I liked the variety, challenges, etc of my job. I was good at it. I like the people. I find myself tearing up a lot as I say goodbye to colleagues and begin packing up. This sucks.

And that's enough whining. It's not even Wednesday...

* Very grateful to live in Canada, where we get up to 52 weeks of maternity/parental leave. Very, very civilized. Humane, even. Unlike other countries *cough* the U.S. *cough* where I have no idea how moms go back to work after just six or eight or maybe if you're luck twelve weeks.

Why yes, I am alive and I do still blog.

At least in my head I do. Yeah, hi, sorry about that. It's not like anyone actually reads this thing anyways. (Not a plea for sympathy or readers, just stating the facts.) (And I'm okay with no one reading this. I think of it as cheap therapy.)

So much to blog, so little, uh, motivation? I have written so many blog updates in my head during showers or my drive to work. But never seem to write them down. Why? I'm not sure.

Just a placeholder until I write some updates on our exciting December. (Good news stuff - yeah!)

Things that make me laugh, pt 5

Anecdote 1
My BIL tells me that the Saskatchewan pork marketing board came up with a genius marketing slogan a few years ago. He's a credible guy, so I'm inclined to believe him.

Picture this, if you will - a big billboard featuring a loving couple arm in arm. The slogan reads, "Pork.
The one you love."

Seriously? Seriously.
Mr. Chili and I laughed so hard at this unintentionally hilarious billboard.

From a quick google search, it looks like occurred circa 2001. Found this pic via Flickr. (Thanks smiteme!) The Saskatchewan Pork Marketing board does exist. And many bloggers have blogged about it before me. Ah well. It's still funny!


Anecdote 2
In a week or so, Mr. Chili and I will be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary. Cool! For fun, I looked up the recommended ideas that the clever marketing people say I should give. (Did that make sense? No? Sorry.)
Traditional: Wood
Modern: Silverware

*snort* Did someone say wood? Mr. Chili and I - clearly immature, with pubescent senses of humour were laughing pretty hard about this one too. Poor Mr. Chili not getting much action these days, so the laughter was mixed with a tear or two on his part, I'm sure. I've promised him that if he presents me with some wood on our anniversary, I will do my best to appreciate it.

I really need to get over this

I have issues about being pregnant while at work.

Weird statement? I think so. Let me try to explain. I am so very pleased to be pregnant. I am getting really excited about having another little one to love, nurture, etc. But at work, I am a professional - an engineer, a project manager, a leader. It feels strange to even acknowledge out loud that I am clearly pregnant. I don't know if my discomfort stems from the fact that being pregnant = having sex and that embarrasses me. I think it has more to do with the fact that being pregnant is such a very personal, intimate thing - I have this life growing inside me! - and yet at the same time, at 5.5 months along, it is also a very public thing.

I don't want to start conversations with, "Hey, I felt the baby kick just now." I don't want to talk about my personal life, much, with most people at work. I want to be a professional and taken seriously as such. If someone brings it up, like "Oh when are you due?" I'm happy to have a brief conversation and then move onto the real topic.

I feel really uncomfortable with the open stares at my belly. Why? I do the same to other pregnant women. Why am I so uncomfortable? Why am I such a hypocrite? I am not the first woman in my office to get pregnant. For pete's sake, this is the second time I've been pregnant at this job.

*sigh* I just wish I could be more comfortable and expressive about how joyous this pregnancy is. But it's like I have a mask on. A mask that I don't know how to take off.

Maybe it's because I had to hide my pregnancy for the first four plus months. I had applied for an internal transfer (obviously preferred to being laid off), and did not want the pregnancy to hurt my chances. Because even though the law says I can't be discriminated against, let's get real, shall we? Any employer looks at me, sees my belly, immediately says, "Ugh, she'll be off for a year, and then she'll be off all the time when the kid is sick. Let's hire that other guy instead"* & ** So maybe I'm just not comfortable being out of the pregnancy closet.

Anyhow, I'm tired of feeling all awkward and embarrassed about being pregnant while at work. I need to get over it already.


* Because we all know that the perception is that the woman does all the child-rearing and child-care duties, especially when kids are sick. Not. Well, at least not in my household. We swap depending on who has the more important stuff going on at work. Luckily too, LC is pretty healthy (aside from the wonky kidney and VUR stuff), and is rarely sick.

** To continue my rant, my perception is that when an employer sees a woman and knows (somehow although it shouldn't come up or matter) that she has kids, there's this instinctive bias against her, "Gosh, I wonder why she doesn't stay home with her kids." Or, "How much time off will she need to look after her kids." Whereas that same employer sees a man and knows he has kids, and thinks, "Wow. That guy has a family to provide for. What a great guy. We should pay him more."
Yeah, maybe not everyone thinks like that. But an awful lot of people do.

Things that make me laugh, pt 4

Seen in a meeting invitation:

"Meeting agenda will be updated weakly. "

*snort*

I work in a place where for the majority, English is a second language. I really respect how hard it is to learn a second language, especially as an adult, especially English. Having said that, there are things that I read that just make me giggle. It's either that or get annoyed.

I am a picky about using proper spelling and grammar. I definitely have editorial instincts. (Although perhaps not with my own stuff.) I get frustrated by what people who are too lazy to run spell check - come on now, it's not that hard. No, it won't catch everything* but it will catch most typos. I don't find the grammar checking tools very useful, but I will run them when I'm sending out a major document for review. I get really annoyed when I can't understand what the person is trying to say, usually about a very technical issue, because the sentence is structured so poorly. Aaaaarrrrrggghh! I want to spend my time reviewing your document's content, not your form.

*Does anyone else find it funny that Blogger's spell check doesn't know the word "blog"?

P.S. I'm wondering how many errors there are in this post. I'm all self-conscious now.

P.P. S. And what the hell am I doing up at this hour? Again! I'm so self-destructive sometime. I was working before. Now it's 0230 EST. I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow. More exhausted than I already am. For goodness sakes - why am I working overtime for a company that doesn't even want me?

Memories: Good night, sweetheart

While standing in Starbucks, I heard a version of "Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight".



(Picture credit)

I had to stop and listen. I smiled wistfully as I remembered my grandmother singing the song softly at bedtime, while rubbing my back. Way back when at my grandparent's house in Parsippany, NJ. I don't think she ever sang in public, but when it was just the two of us, she would sing to me and rub my back. Even when I was too old for it, if I asked nicely, she would still do it. Such sweet memories.

That song and whenever I am making one of my grandmother's recipes make me feel like her spirit is with me. It makes me feel connected to her.

I lived with my grandparents every summer from when I was six to twelve years old. I learned so much from both of them. How to make a fruit pie, how to shell peas, how to use a jigsaw, a lathe, how to make a plan and build something, how to do...so many things.

My grandmother died in 1999 after a long illness. I still miss her. At her funeral, I performed my most difficult solo (on the french horn) - I played "Amazing Grace" for her. So, so hard to play when you're crying.

Apparently the song is called, "Goodnight Sweetheart Goodnight". According to this source, "Originally performed by the 5 piece doo-wop group The Spaniels. Written in 1954, it was a #5 R&B hit Written by Calvin Carter and James (Pookie) Hudson (lead singer for The Spaniels). Re-released by The McGuire Sisters. Popularized in the 1970s by the group Sha Na Na, who used it to close their TV show each week." I'm sure the version my grandmother knew was the 1950's version by the McGuire Sisters.

It looks like she mostly sang the chorus to me, or at least that's what I remember. Here are the lyrics (from same source cited above):

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

Well it's three o'clock in the morning

Baby I just can't git right??

Well I hate to leave you baby,

Don't mean maybe,

Because I love you so.

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Oh goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

Mother, and your father

Don't like it if I stay here too long

One kiss in the dark,

And I'll be going,

You know I hate to go.

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Oh goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

PMP 2006 update

Doesn't the subject make it sound exciting? Yeah, I know.

I'm actually embarrassed to admit that the PMBoK (Project Management Body of Knowledge), all 300 pages of it, is pretty interesting stuff. Yes, I am a geek.

I'm taking a prep course this week to help me prepare to write the exam. In preparation for the prep course (irony, yes?), I had to read the PMBoK. It's dry & dense. And of course, with Mr. Chili being out of town last week, me being sick and just general procrastination, I left it til the last minute. But I'm happy to report that I just finished reviewing the sucker. Yee haw.

Now I have to go to bed because I have to be up v. early tomorrow so that I can sit in traffic to get to this course. But it will all be worth it when I pass the exam in a few weeks. Right?

Oh please, please, please let me pass the exam.

~~~
Weekend update.
Mr. Chili made it home Friday night, after LC's bedtime. Fri night w/LC and mommy was miserable. He was missing daddy, I was very, very tired. And LC backslid so far on potty training I just didn't know what to make of it. Mon-Wed: 1 accident/day. Thu: 4 accidents, including a poop accident. Fri: lost count - 5 accidents. Unheard of. If it was indeed due to missing Mr. Chili, then I am very, very scared about how LC will respond to PB's birth.

Saturday I went to my prenatal yoga class. Bliss. LC and Mr. Chili ran errands (including groceries) and kept out of my hair so I could study. We had take-out sushi for dinner. Yum.

Sunday was more errands for LC and Mr. Chili so I could continue studying. Have I mentioned how awesome Mr. Chili is? Yep, he is.

~~~
Okay, really have to hit the hay. 'Night internets.

My rings don't fit - wah!

A minor whine, definitely not worthy of Phantom's weekly whine-fest.

I have now gained enough weight that my rings are getting tight. I like my rings a little loose and have an irrational fear that they will get stuck on my fingers and I will have to have them cut off. Like I said, irrational.

In my pg with LC, I was pg through the summer and my fingers always swell in the summer, so between the swelling and excessive weight gain, I stopped wearing my rings around 5 months of pg.

Guess what? I am 5 months pg. I have not gained as much weight this time (only 10 pounds to date), but I started this pg 10 pounds heavier. So really, I've gained 20 pounds from pre-pg weight. And I was 10 pounds less than that when I got married. So my rings fit if I'm within 30 pounds of my wedding day, but not more. Reasonable, yes. But I am sad nonetheless that I won't be able to wear my wedding band, engagement ring and engineering ring for the next year or so.

Why a year? I have four months of pg left - and other than this whine - plan on thoroughly enjoying it. Based on my first pg, it will take me a while to start losing weight. And I lost very slowly, despite exclusively breastfeeding.

~~
P.S. I wonder if there is a correlation between my (relatively) excessive posting of late and Mr. Chili's absence? Stay tuned next week when he's home. And I'm in training all week with a long commute each day. I think I know what's next.

P.P.S. What the hell am I doing up at this hour???? Oh yeah, I fell asleep with LC at 2100. Then I woke up to pee at 0045 and realized I had to do his laundry. Why? Four accidents today, that's why. An unheard of number for LC. I'm pretty sure he was due for a BM but didn't want to do it school, that's why the three pee accidents. And the fourth was because I couldn't get the f'in potty seat installed quickly enough for someone doing the BM dance. Oh that mess was fun. And at a good friend's house. Fortunately she has kids and understands.

P.P.P.S. I like using the twenty-four hour style of time. It is consistent and unambiguous. Being the anal sort, this matters to me. I also like using a date format of dd-mmm-yy. I hate the U.S. convention of mm/dd/yy. Why the heck does the month go in front? How am I supposed to know if it's really mm/dd/yy or maybe dd/mm/yy (which is the Canadian/metric version).

Who knew so many things bother me at 0228? And on that note, I'm off to bed.

My 100 things

1. I am so late to this game.
2. Often I can't believe that this is my (great) life.
3. I am so many things: a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an engineer, a....
4. I feel that becoming a mother has forced me to become a better person.
5. Not that I'm a great person now.
6. I was depressed through my first pregnancy but didn't realize it.
7. I was really depressed after my son was born. But I didn't realize how bad it was until 10 months later.
8. I worry that I will get post-partum depression again.
9. Watching my son sleep makes me so happy I almost cry.
10. It also helps me not want to strangle him after all the frustrating moments.
11. I work full-time outside the home.
12. I was happiest with my work-life balance when I was working part-time. That lasted 16 months. Then I was forced back to full-time hours.
13. Now they're laying me off.
14. It sucks.
15. But I'm so grateful to be pregnant again.
16. And scared.
17. Even if no one will hire me because I am pregnant.
18. I could stay home with my son & baby-to-be. If I wanted to badly enough to make the sacrifice. But I don't want to. I want to work part-time and be a mom full-time.
19. I think that makes me pretty selfish.
20. But I think realizing it makes me a happier and better mother.
21. I will stay home for the first year of PB's life.
22. We are damned lucky in Canada to get one year of maternal/parental leave.
23. My husband is an amazing man.
24. I try to tell him that every day.
25. Our son looks so much like him.
26. I wonder who this baby will look more like.
27. Everyone keeps asking me if we know "what we're having". A baby, duh!
28. Seriously, we don't want to know the gender.
29. My husband and I discovering together that we had a son was the second most amazing moment of my life.
30. The most amazing moment was when the midwife placed our son on my stomach and we watched this tiny, purplish thing take it's first breath.
31. I'm getting all teary writing this. Damn hormones.
32. My son was an unplanned homebirth.
33. It was *ahem* rather exciting.
34. The midwives arrived about 20 minutes before my son did.
35. I was holding off pushing.
36. He could have been born without the midwives at all.
37. My labour was officially termed precipitous.
38. From water breaking to birth was 4 hours.
39. I am scared of what that means for this pregnancy.
40. Rule of thumb is half the time.
41. That means two hours.
42. Holy shit.
43. We are planning a home birth this time.
44. My household consists of one husband, one 3 year old, one dog and one cat.
45. We started with the cat. Gradual progression of responsibility, we thought.
46. Then we got the dog. A wonderful, very high energy, needy dog. We didn't have a fucking clue what we were getting into.
47. Then I gave birth to our son. It was clear that if we thought we were in over our heads with the dog, the baby was going to do us in.
48. But we managed. And now we're thriving.
49. I had the most fun at my wedding. It was a great day.
50. Our honeymoon in Australia was even better.
51. And totally worth the debt.
52. Many of our friends don't have mortgages. They're 30-something and have already paid for their large houses.
53. We do have a mortgage.
54. I'm okay with that.
55. Most of the time.
56. I breastfed my son for 2.5 years.
57. I am incredibly proud of this fact.
58. I am truly what they call a "lactivist" or a "nipple nazi". And I'm proud of it.
59. Breastfeeding was the best tool in my parenting toolbox.
60. Extended nursing is an amazing gift.
61. Even if you do have to endure all the looks and questions, "Are you still breastfeeding??!!"
62. It's pretty incredible that I nursed my son at all.
63. He did not latch for the first six weeks of his life.
64. I was attached to a pump or getting him to nurse every moment of every day.
65. I loathe my breast pump.
66. But he did latch.
67. I am a cliche for everything that could possibly have gone wrong with breastfeeding.
68. I had a breast reduction eight years before my son was born. The reducation caused supply problems.
69. I do not regreat the breast reduction despite the problems.
70. I try really hard not to regret anything. It's a waste of energy.
71. I am fucking stubborn.
72. When my son wouldn't latch, I worked with a lactation consultant and Dr. Jack Newman and cried and agonized.
73. I took a lot of Domperidone for my supply.
74. It helped. A lot.
75. I exclusively breastfed. No formula.
76. I am scared that this baby won't latch either.
77. But I am a different person now.
78. I had chronic, toe-clenching, screaming pain every time my son nursed for the first 10 months of my son's life.
79. My husband was amazingly supportive even though he hated to see me in so much pain.
80. The pain was caused by chronic thrush.
81. It took many treatments but I finally got rid of it.
82. Don't take an iron supplement post-partum if you are prone to yeast/thrush.
83. I am an engineer and project manager.
84. I am pretty good at these things.
85. I was genetically pre-disposed to be a project manager.
86. My sister, mother and grandfather all share the same list-making, organizational, anal tendencies.
87. I also play the french horn.
88. I haven't played in three years.
89. I can't find time to be a mom, work, run and play music.
90. I will play again.
91. I also run. Not fast, but I run.
92. I have run one marathon and four half-marathons.
93. Running is the best therapy for me, it helped my depression.
94. I am addicted to Starbucks Soy Chais. No water, please.
95. It is an expensive habit.
96. But it makes me so happy.
97. All I need is a book and a chai and I am happy.
98. Or at least I can escape.
99. I am very blessed.
100. I try to remember and be grateful for it every day.

Sorry for the swearing. It's a coping mechanism. And it feels kinda good. So did writing this list. I'll have to update it after PB is born. :)

Update: Apologies for anyone reading on bloglines. This is at least the third edit I've made. I don't usually edit that much because I usually proofread carefully. Today? Not so much.

Thank goodness it's Thursday.

Yes, I know that's not the original expression. But really, it applies. Only one more day til Mr. Chili is home. Mr. Chili left town on Tuesday morning for a business trip. LC is very attached to fun daddy. Very, very attached. Which I am a-okay with* because it was all about me for the first two years of LC's life. Sound the trumpets, because Mr. Chili is going to be home...tomorrow! And I am going to work from home tomorrow so I can do my conference calls while mopping the floor and not have to commute and rush to do drop-off and pickup.

There is a pattern to how LC responds to Mr. Chili's absences.

First day

• Fussier than usual. Hair trigger on the meltdowns.
• The dog is whinier too.
• I feel harried as I try to adjust to doing all myself. Makes me realize how very wonderful Mr. Chili is.
• We talk to daddy on the phone. The guys have a really good conversation. It's very cute to observe. (Love the speaker phone feature on our cordless - it works really well.)

Second, third, etc. day

• New normal. We have all adjusted. The dog is whining less. The cat, well, who knows what the cat notices.
• It's just my buddy LC and me. Fewer tantrums. Less fussy. We make dinner together, we read stories together, we talk to daddy on the phone. Only the conversation is shorter. LC just isn't as interested in talking to fun daddy.
• When LC asks about daddy - especially when he's whining in the morning that he misses daddy - I tell him that daddy will be home soon (luckily he doesn't call me on when "soon" is). I tell him that I miss daddy too.

Last day

• To keep us both going, I start telling LC that daddy is coming home tomorrow. Very exciting. I only say this when I am absolutely positive that Mr. Chili is in transit and will make it home. I do not want to deal with a disappointed toddler.
• Usually it's Friday. To get us out of the house and reward us for surviving, we head to McD's and have dinner, followed by some fun time at Playland. Then *fingers crossed* fun daddy is home before bedtime. And le voila - we have survived another week without daddy.

I am exhausted by the time Mr. Chili gets home. I never go to bed early enough on a good night, and when I have to do all the household stuff, plus catch up on some work, and am pregnant, I just end up exhausted by Friday. Man, am I a whiner!

* Okay, I do get a little jealous of how important daddy is and wish that I didn't get so cruelly rejected by LC. I mean it hurts when a three year old tells you to "go away". No matter that it's not rational. Sometimes I feel like this is preparation for the first time a teenage (or ten year old?) LC tells me he hates me. 'Cause that is gonna happen.

Normal tantrums?

At the tender age of three, LC has entered a new era of tantrums. We thought the screaming-kicking-crying episodes between ages two and three were fun. Hah! In the past few months, we have witnessed new heights (depths?) to his tantrums. Is it normal for a three year old to have such - I hesitate to say it - rage? I believe the triggers are:

• tired
• stressed
• coming down with something/sick
  

Normal stuff. I mean, who isn't more prone to a fit of pique when they're tired?
What disturbs me is the range of behaviour we see and how violent he is. He will kick, pinch, pull hair, hit, if you are within range. Sometimes he will lunge after you. This is accompanied by screaming/crying/wailing/sobbing at tremendous volume.

If the conditions are right (wrong), he has such a hair trigger that it's really, really hard to avoid setting him off. And frankly, hey, I'm the adult and he's the kid. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around my kid, afraid that he's going to have a tantrum.

Getting him out of the tantrum takes some combination of 1) patience, 2) distraction, 3) a cuddle/hug - but only if he's calm enough.

Mr. Chili left for a business trip today. LC is very, very attached to his daddy (after two years of all me). Mr. Chili did the drop-off today and told LC that he was going away for a couple of days, that he would be back and that he loved LC. So when I went to pick up LC - and Daddy usually does pick up, I was prepared for some upset. What I got was a lovely, cooperative little boy who saw me, yelled, "Mommy!", gave me a huge hug, picked up his lunch bag, got his coat (and the wet clothing from the one accident today), put away his work, said good-bye to his teacher and then came over to the doorway, where I was waiting. As is his routine, he opened his lunch bag looking for a snack and a drink. He pulled out the glass bottle of fruit punch leftover from his hot lunch. He asked me to open it. I replied that I couldn't right now because it was glass and might break, but that I would be happy to open it as soon as we got home. This was not acceptable. He started wailing right there.

I did not cave. I stayed crouched down, kept talking calmly. I helped him put on this coat, he tried to hit me. I knew it was coming, so I calmly said, "no hitting" and kept trying to get him moving. After he refused to move, and was disturbing everyone in the classroom, I semi-dragged him out to the hallway. Where he lay prostrate on the floor, crying, screaming. I let him go for a bit, crouched down next to him, calmly telling him it was okay, we would have the fruit punch soon. Not working. One of the teachers came out to the hallway to see what the commotion was about. LC kicked off his shoes, kept crying and screaming. I was starting to lose patience. I had to hold him down to get his shoes on, and then I picked up all the stuff and carried him out of school. He kicked a bit, but seemed to be past the violent stage of the tantrum (very short stage - this time). I set him down on the stairs outside. He calmed a bit outside - change of scene, I guess - and I took the opportunity to give hug him and tell him it was okay. By this point, the topic of screaming had moved from fruit punch to missing daddy, wanting daddy, etc. So I hugged him and told him I missed daddy too, and that we would talk to daddy on the phone tonight, etc.

I carried him to the car and he was marginally calmer. Alas, it did not stay that way. As soon as his butt hit the car seat, he started screaming and crying louder than before. It was honestly deafening. And I could not reason with him. I just gritted my teeth and drove home as quickly as I could. I could almost laugh as I got out of the car (silence), opened the hatch to get my stuff (screaming), shut the hatch (silence), opened the door to get his stuff (screaming), etc. Dumped our stuff inside, then came and got him. I carried him inside, and he kept screaming and carrying on.

Surprisingly, I remained fairly calm through this. I sat him on the stairs, tried to take off his coat and shoes, was rejected. Went to the kitchen, fed the cat and dog. LC threw a couple of things towards the kitchen -not much ammunition, fortunately, and then started playing with his coat zipper. He loves practicing doing up his own coat. That calmed him down. I checked on him a few times and eventually, he came to see what I was doing. He helped me prepare a quick dinner (cheese omelette and toast) and we had a very civilized dinner.

Maybe this isn't the best example of how violent and intense these tantrums can be. But man, I just hope this is "normal". Some kind of normal. I don't know. LC is an amazing kid. And I tell myself that this is a normal developmental stage. Feelings are intense when you're that age. Right? It's that I'm disturbed by how violent he can be - trying to lash out and hurt Mr. Chili and me. Mostly me. When he gets like that, we carry him to the stairs, but he won't stay put. So we just keep repeating that he needs to stay on the stairs until he is calm. It takes a while. A long, long while sometimes.

If anyone is reading this, care to tell me that this is normal? Or on the spectrum of normal? Any feedback is appreciated.

Mind in the Gutter/Things that Make me Laugh, Part 3

Item 1
Recently seen on the back of a dump truck:

"Everyone needs a good dump"

Seriously. The truck was owned by Osmar Hauling, based in Ontario. I couldn't find a web listing for these folks, but I swear I'm not making it up!

[On a TMI sidenote, if only they knew how true that statement is and how cruel pregnancy constipation is....]

Item 2

A few months ago, I was stopped behind a car that was from Michigan. The car was sold by - I shit you not -

Krapohl* Ford Lincoln Mercury

Really. Okay, please tell me I'm not the only one who find that funny! These guys exist - I had to look them up.

*No offense meant to anyone with the surname of Krapohl. I'm sure it is an honorable and worthy name. I'm just immature and it makes me giggle.

Notes from LC's fourth Halloween

Some bullets of Halloween:

• I can't believe this was LC's fourth Halloween.
• In 2003, he was only a few weeks old his first year, and I dressed him up as a chili pepper. He looked so cute. He slept the whole evening. Mr. Chili and I just stared at him, still in that new-parent daze. We visited our neighbours across the street to show off our little chili pepper. (No, no correlation at all between my nom de blog and LC's costume. Why do you ask?)
• In 2004, he was a green dinosaur with purple spikes. Costume provided by Nana from Land's End. He was very cute in the costume and happily toddled/crawled around. I think we carried him over to visit the same neighbour.
• In 2005, I purchased a far too expensive lion costume for LC. And he flat out refused to wear it. Didn't want anything to do with trick or treating. So he stayed home, cranky, while Mr. Chili and I took turns handing out candy.
• This year: LC had a choice between the notorious lion costume or a fire fighter. Each time we asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween, he would answer differently. We heard: elephant, pumpkin, flamingo, etc. Eventually given a choice between lion and fire fighter, he chose fire fighter. The lion loses again. He made a darned cute fire fighter.
• 2006 trick or treating? 1 house. LC happily held daddy's hand, crossed the street and visited the same neighbours. He got one tiny bag of chips and one mini chocolate bar. He was pretty pleased with himself. Then he wanted to come home. He spent the rest of the night sitting on

More bullets of Halloween:

• Pumpkin carving was fun this year. We bought three, and LC had fun "helping" daddy scoop out the insides. We actually made some pretty good looking jack o' lanterns. Will post pics if I ever get them off the camera.
• We live in a trick or treat dead zone. Even fewer trick or treaters this year. For some reason, our neighbourhood has lots of kids, but is sparse in trick or treaters. Lots of leftover candy. Very bad for me. I have already eaten far too much of it. Blurgh.
• Manners. Most trick or treaters actually had good manners this year. As opposed to previous years, where the trick or treaters (older kids/teens) just stood there, sullen, not bothering to say "trick or treat" or "please" or "thank you", the kids this year said all those things. There were a few kids that I thought were too old, but not as many as last year.
• Not really about Halloween, but fun daddy took LC up for a bath, I handed out candy, and then I took over the going-to-sleep duties. LC was out cold by 8:15pm. Awesome!
• Also not really about Halloween. I submitted my application to the PMI. I hope to hear back by Mon 6-Nov that my application has been approved so I can schedule my exam. Yeah me!

NoPoBloMo?

Not so much here. I can't seem to post once a week, let alone every day. Plus I have a major exam to study for over the next month. (Going for my professional project manager certification. It'll help in the job search. I hope.)

So I'm doing my own version of NoBloPoMo. I vow to post at least five times this month. So that averages out to slightly more than once a week. I always have things I want to talk about. I just don't make the time to talk about them!

There. I feel better now.

Anyone got a site counter that doesn't install spyware?

I'm looking for a site counter. Nothing fancy. My requirements are:

• Doesn't install spyware when I access the site or install the site. (Maybe my firewall settings are too strict, but I've found that tracksky, sitemeter and statcounter all throw up "this site is blocked" in IE*.)
• Simple counting of how many visitors from what domain
• How users found my site (search terms)

That's about it. I think. Did I mention I'm new to all this?

Let me know if you have any recommendations. Thanks!

*Yes, part of the problem is that I'm using IE. I know, I know. I need to get with the times and use Firefox. Haven't had time or energy to make the switch.