My 100 things

1. I am so late to this game.
2. Often I can't believe that this is my (great) life.
3. I am so many things: a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an engineer, a....
4. I feel that becoming a mother has forced me to become a better person.
5. Not that I'm a great person now.
6. I was depressed through my first pregnancy but didn't realize it.
7. I was really depressed after my son was born. But I didn't realize how bad it was until 10 months later.
8. I worry that I will get post-partum depression again.
9. Watching my son sleep makes me so happy I almost cry.
10. It also helps me not want to strangle him after all the frustrating moments.
11. I work full-time outside the home.
12. I was happiest with my work-life balance when I was working part-time. That lasted 16 months. Then I was forced back to full-time hours.
13. Now they're laying me off.
14. It sucks.
15. But I'm so grateful to be pregnant again.
16. And scared.
17. Even if no one will hire me because I am pregnant.
18. I could stay home with my son & baby-to-be. If I wanted to badly enough to make the sacrifice. But I don't want to. I want to work part-time and be a mom full-time.
19. I think that makes me pretty selfish.
20. But I think realizing it makes me a happier and better mother.
21. I will stay home for the first year of PB's life.
22. We are damned lucky in Canada to get one year of maternal/parental leave.
23. My husband is an amazing man.
24. I try to tell him that every day.
25. Our son looks so much like him.
26. I wonder who this baby will look more like.
27. Everyone keeps asking me if we know "what we're having". A baby, duh!
28. Seriously, we don't want to know the gender.
29. My husband and I discovering together that we had a son was the second most amazing moment of my life.
30. The most amazing moment was when the midwife placed our son on my stomach and we watched this tiny, purplish thing take it's first breath.
31. I'm getting all teary writing this. Damn hormones.
32. My son was an unplanned homebirth.
33. It was *ahem* rather exciting.
34. The midwives arrived about 20 minutes before my son did.
35. I was holding off pushing.
36. He could have been born without the midwives at all.
37. My labour was officially termed precipitous.
38. From water breaking to birth was 4 hours.
39. I am scared of what that means for this pregnancy.
40. Rule of thumb is half the time.
41. That means two hours.
42. Holy shit.
43. We are planning a home birth this time.
44. My household consists of one husband, one 3 year old, one dog and one cat.
45. We started with the cat. Gradual progression of responsibility, we thought.
46. Then we got the dog. A wonderful, very high energy, needy dog. We didn't have a fucking clue what we were getting into.
47. Then I gave birth to our son. It was clear that if we thought we were in over our heads with the dog, the baby was going to do us in.
48. But we managed. And now we're thriving.
49. I had the most fun at my wedding. It was a great day.
50. Our honeymoon in Australia was even better.
51. And totally worth the debt.
52. Many of our friends don't have mortgages. They're 30-something and have already paid for their large houses.
53. We do have a mortgage.
54. I'm okay with that.
55. Most of the time.
56. I breastfed my son for 2.5 years.
57. I am incredibly proud of this fact.
58. I am truly what they call a "lactivist" or a "nipple nazi". And I'm proud of it.
59. Breastfeeding was the best tool in my parenting toolbox.
60. Extended nursing is an amazing gift.
61. Even if you do have to endure all the looks and questions, "Are you still breastfeeding??!!"
62. It's pretty incredible that I nursed my son at all.
63. He did not latch for the first six weeks of his life.
64. I was attached to a pump or getting him to nurse every moment of every day.
65. I loathe my breast pump.
66. But he did latch.
67. I am a cliche for everything that could possibly have gone wrong with breastfeeding.
68. I had a breast reduction eight years before my son was born. The reducation caused supply problems.
69. I do not regreat the breast reduction despite the problems.
70. I try really hard not to regret anything. It's a waste of energy.
71. I am fucking stubborn.
72. When my son wouldn't latch, I worked with a lactation consultant and Dr. Jack Newman and cried and agonized.
73. I took a lot of Domperidone for my supply.
74. It helped. A lot.
75. I exclusively breastfed. No formula.
76. I am scared that this baby won't latch either.
77. But I am a different person now.
78. I had chronic, toe-clenching, screaming pain every time my son nursed for the first 10 months of my son's life.
79. My husband was amazingly supportive even though he hated to see me in so much pain.
80. The pain was caused by chronic thrush.
81. It took many treatments but I finally got rid of it.
82. Don't take an iron supplement post-partum if you are prone to yeast/thrush.
83. I am an engineer and project manager.
84. I am pretty good at these things.
85. I was genetically pre-disposed to be a project manager.
86. My sister, mother and grandfather all share the same list-making, organizational, anal tendencies.
87. I also play the french horn.
88. I haven't played in three years.
89. I can't find time to be a mom, work, run and play music.
90. I will play again.
91. I also run. Not fast, but I run.
92. I have run one marathon and four half-marathons.
93. Running is the best therapy for me, it helped my depression.
94. I am addicted to Starbucks Soy Chais. No water, please.
95. It is an expensive habit.
96. But it makes me so happy.
97. All I need is a book and a chai and I am happy.
98. Or at least I can escape.
99. I am very blessed.
100. I try to remember and be grateful for it every day.

Sorry for the swearing. It's a coping mechanism. And it feels kinda good. So did writing this list. I'll have to update it after PB is born. :)

Update: Apologies for anyone reading on bloglines. This is at least the third edit I've made. I don't usually edit that much because I usually proofread carefully. Today? Not so much.