I really need to get over this

I have issues about being pregnant while at work.

Weird statement? I think so. Let me try to explain. I am so very pleased to be pregnant. I am getting really excited about having another little one to love, nurture, etc. But at work, I am a professional - an engineer, a project manager, a leader. It feels strange to even acknowledge out loud that I am clearly pregnant. I don't know if my discomfort stems from the fact that being pregnant = having sex and that embarrasses me. I think it has more to do with the fact that being pregnant is such a very personal, intimate thing - I have this life growing inside me! - and yet at the same time, at 5.5 months along, it is also a very public thing.

I don't want to start conversations with, "Hey, I felt the baby kick just now." I don't want to talk about my personal life, much, with most people at work. I want to be a professional and taken seriously as such. If someone brings it up, like "Oh when are you due?" I'm happy to have a brief conversation and then move onto the real topic.

I feel really uncomfortable with the open stares at my belly. Why? I do the same to other pregnant women. Why am I so uncomfortable? Why am I such a hypocrite? I am not the first woman in my office to get pregnant. For pete's sake, this is the second time I've been pregnant at this job.

*sigh* I just wish I could be more comfortable and expressive about how joyous this pregnancy is. But it's like I have a mask on. A mask that I don't know how to take off.

Maybe it's because I had to hide my pregnancy for the first four plus months. I had applied for an internal transfer (obviously preferred to being laid off), and did not want the pregnancy to hurt my chances. Because even though the law says I can't be discriminated against, let's get real, shall we? Any employer looks at me, sees my belly, immediately says, "Ugh, she'll be off for a year, and then she'll be off all the time when the kid is sick. Let's hire that other guy instead"* & ** So maybe I'm just not comfortable being out of the pregnancy closet.

Anyhow, I'm tired of feeling all awkward and embarrassed about being pregnant while at work. I need to get over it already.


* Because we all know that the perception is that the woman does all the child-rearing and child-care duties, especially when kids are sick. Not. Well, at least not in my household. We swap depending on who has the more important stuff going on at work. Luckily too, LC is pretty healthy (aside from the wonky kidney and VUR stuff), and is rarely sick.

** To continue my rant, my perception is that when an employer sees a woman and knows (somehow although it shouldn't come up or matter) that she has kids, there's this instinctive bias against her, "Gosh, I wonder why she doesn't stay home with her kids." Or, "How much time off will she need to look after her kids." Whereas that same employer sees a man and knows he has kids, and thinks, "Wow. That guy has a family to provide for. What a great guy. We should pay him more."
Yeah, maybe not everyone thinks like that. But an awful lot of people do.