My son has a hair fetish.

(Or maybe I should change that title so I don't get any weird search hits...)

Pretty much since LC was born, he has always reached up to put his hand on the nape of my neck and tangle his hand in my hair. Even when he was a newborn and not coordinated enough to do it on purpose, one hand was always reaching for my hair while nursing.

Honestly? By about six months it was driving me batty by the end of the day. At the beginning of the day it was cute and sweet. By the end of the day, I was usually a leeeetle touched out and felt like screaming "get your hand out of my fireplacing hair!"

As LC grew and got older, many things changed - how often he nursed, the position he nursed in, where he nurse, etc. But one thing stayed constant - his desire - no - unconscious instinct to reach for my hair.

Once he had enough words, he started demanding, "Hair!" at bedtime. Even (especially?) after he'd weaned, he would say, "Hair, please." And I'd move closer, lying next to him and he would tangle his fist in my hair.

He's 3 and some months old now. And he still reaches for my hair at bedtime if I'm there. If it's Mr. Chili doing the bedtime routine, sometimes there will be tears when he wants my hair and it's not there. Mr. Chili has tried offering his hair, but no one else's will do. "It's too short", LC says. And if LC is upset/sad/tired/frustrated, and I pick him up, he'll instinctively reach for the hair.

I remember sitting in the nursing chair when he was about a year old and realizing that I was going to miss the closeness - that my complaints to Mr. Chili about wanting his hand OUT OF MY HAIR were going to change, some day, to missing that hand. Turns out I haven't complained about missing it much. LC has not outgrown his desire to have his hand in my hair. And I love it. It a comfort that only I can provide. And you know what? That feels pretty good.

Sometimes this mommy gig is pretty sweet.

[Will try to find a pic demonstrating the hair grab, but can't find any pics on this computer's HD. It'd help if we could manage to organize our pics...]

Grumpy

I don't remember this stuff from my pg with LC. Or was in such denial/depression already that I didn't notice it?

All I know is that yesterday I was especially:
1. Short on patience w/LC
and everyone else. But especially LC. Who really wasn't trying my patience more than usual. He was just being a normal 3 year old. I just had no ability to deflect/distract/cajole/whatever from LC's antics and famous not-listening (aka ignoring) skills.

I completely lacked the ability to laugh at myself tonight too.

2. Tired
At the end of the work day, and I didn't work all that hard (mentally or physically), I was exhausted. I got in my car, drove home and thought, "Man, am I tired."

And I had the best (and longest) sleep the night before. Best sleep in ages.

~~
So after dinner, I asked/told Mr. Chili that I needed to go out and run some errands. And I did. I had a coat on hold for LC (bought a size 3, decided a 4 would be better, needed to exchange). Also needed to pick up an anniversary gift for Mr. Chili. And a card.

I can't believe how lame the anniversary cards are. Blah, blah, mush, blah. Finally settled on a card, figuring it's what I write that counts, not the card. Cannot think of a good wood-based gift (the traditional 5th wedding anniversary gift), so I bought him a new Xbox 360 game and plan to tape a toothpick to it... Sneaky, eh?

Also bought a present for LC from his new baby brother or sister. Got him a new Playmobil set - a police van. Should buy us some hours of entertainment, I hope.

~~
The grumpiness reminds me of my old PMS struggles. I know I'm being a b_tch/not reacting normally/etc., but I can't seem to stop myself. Ah well, so long as it doesn't last, I'm sure Mr. Chili and LC will forgive me.

I hope tomorrow is a less grumpy day.

Moments of LC cuteness

LC woke up in a good mood this morning. We all had a good sleep.

He said, "I'm going to be the big brother. And baby is going to be my sister (1). We'll call her Lisa-baby. (2)"

Then he leaned over, pulled up my pyjama top and planted a huge raspberry (3) on my belly.

Teh cute! (4)

Notes:
(1) LC usually says the baby going to be a boy. And that he wants a brother. No, we didn't find out the gender during our ultrasounds. We like surprises.
(2) No matter whether he says it's a boy or a girl, his choice of names is "Lisa-baby". We have a good friend named Lisa, we're guessing it's a tribute to her. The real Lisa is pretty tickled.
(3) As in "thhhbbbppppt". See here.
(4) "Teh", variation on "the". Commonly seen at Phantom's place. Now also defined in Wikipedia. (Cool!)

Other moments:
We've not been pushing the idea of the new baby too much with LC, just letting him think about it. And he's been talking more and more about the new baby. Cute stuff like while on the potty, he'll say,
"I know how to pee on the potty, but the new baby won't. 'Cause babies don't know how to."

True enough, I'll say. This sentence & variations on it are becoming very common. "The new baby won't be able to do X, I can show the new baby how to do X". Love it! So cute.

On Sunday, LC sat on his Sponge Bob couch with "baby" (a doll that we gave him for his 3rd birthday). Mr. Chili covered him with a blanket. And LC sat there, reading stories to his baby. He picked books that he knows so well he can "read" them out loud. It was heart-melting.

Post-Partum Depression Redux?

I really hope not.

I'm 34.5 weeks pregnant and today I went to my GP to ask for a referral to a psychiatric unit that specializes in treating post-partum depression. It's at a big downtown hospital, not especially convenient or close, but my midwives recommended it, so I took a deep breath and started taking steps.

I don't want to experience PPD again. I really, really don't. And I've been feeling so much better this pg, not to mention I wasn't depressed when I got pregnant, and I'm in much better shape this time. Mentally and physically, I am doing so much better. So I've been in denial-land for most of the pregnancy, "Lalalalala. I'm fine. I'll be fine." Then my midwife correctly reminded me that if you've had PPD once, you're more at risk for getting it with subsequent pregnancies. Ah, right.

I remember from last time how hard it was to see that I needed help. To ask for that help was almost impossible. And the people who love me didn't know what to do to help me. So I suffered and Mr. Chili and LC suffered too. This time will be different. I am being proactive and lining up a psychiatrist NOW. I have enlisted Mr. Chili and a good friend to intervene if they see me sliding and I'm not getting help. This makes me feel better, that I'm going to be okay.

I've never seen a psychiatrist/counselor/etc before. I've always muddled through my depressive episodes. But I cannot do this again. I cannot be the unhappy, anxious mess that I was for more than 10 months after LC was born. No one, least of all me and this baby deserves that.

Triggers for PPD w/LC:
[I recognize that these are whines - putting things in perspective, most would thing "Enh. Big deal. What a whiner! Complaining about a fast labour? Bite me." Too me, at the time, all these things contributed. This is where my head was.]

- had trouble getting pregnant, didn't cope well
- was headed downwards, then surprise pg
- job was very stressful - working huge amounts of overtime (70hrs/week)
- LC was 3w early - took me by surprise. I hadn't started my mat leave, I hadn't gotten ready at all.
- Labour was precipitous and I was traumatized by it
- LC wouldn't latch for 6w. I persevered by paid a heavy price
- Chronic thrush = chronic pain for about 8 months. Toe-curling, screaming kind of pain every time LC latched.
- Tough time adjusting to motherhood. I had a hard time letting go of my go-go-go type A tendencies and just going with the flow.
- LC was miserable for the first 6 weeks when he wouldn't latch. The he got sick with a chronic bladder/kidney infection that went undiagnosed for a long time. The docs kept saying he was just colicky. No he fucking wasn't. He was in pain. He cried so much for so many months.
- sleep deprivation. Standard stuff, but it hurts.

Confession time:
I started to climb out of my PPD haze when LC was about 10 months old. This coincided with Mr. Chili being home for a month, and when LC was 11 months old, I started back at work part-time. Did I start feeling better because I went back to work/got away from my child?

I have huge guilt there. It's like my dirty little secret. I wasn't happy being at home with LC. Was is PPD? Or was it that I wanted to be back at work? I don't know.

My PPD symptoms:
There is a good questionnaire about PPD here. Taking the quiz today, through my memory filter, I scored 22/30. To quote the results,

"You may be experiencing depression.
It's highly recommended that you talk to your health care provider"

Yeah. Too bad I couldn't see it then.


I never thought about killing/harming myself or LC. It didn't get that bad. Thank goodness. That being said, these are some of the things I struggled with:

- I used to fantasize about escaping. If I could just get in the car and go away. Leave LC with Mr. Chili. They would be so much better off without me. I was just bringing them down, making them miserable. I would spend ages evaluating different scenarios, where I would drive - anywhere, whether I would use a credit card (they could trace me that way) or just take cash.
- I was anxious about everything. Anxious that LC was going to cry, that he would stop latching again, that he would never stop crying. I would get so anxious about leaving the house to meet friends for coffee/tea. Once there, LC was always better than I expected, and I nearly always enjoyed having social time with friends. But the angst to get there!
- I cried a lot. I cried when thing were good or friends were nice to me. I cried when LC just wouldn't give me a break. I cried so much.
- I was so desperately unhappy. Over and over in my head, I would think about how miserable I was. And I would wonder in a distant way why I couldn't enjoy myself when things were going well. I couldn't get motivated to do normal household stuff - cleaning, dishes, cooking. Even things that gave me pleasure, I would just be overwhelmed by starting. I watched a lot of TV while nursing LC and would just sit in a chair for hours at a time, trying to shut off my brain.
- I overreacted to everything, even small things. Had no perspective.

How did I get better? And without drugs or psychiatric help?
First off, my midwives were wonderful for the birth of LC. The same midwives are delivering this one too. But they were not all that helpful when it came to breastfeeding support. And since they follow you for six weeks post-partum, they didn't see that I wasn't getting better.

Then, when LC was six months old, I cried to Mr. Chili that I had to do something. I kept waiting, but wasn't getting better. I booked an appt with my GP. He took time off work and came with me (and LC came too, natch.) My GP basically said that I should call my work benefit Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) number and get a referral from them. She didn't seem to take seriously how I was feeling, nor understand the tremendous effort it had taken for me to call & book this appt. I left feeling that I was making a big deal out of nothing (not caused by what she said, but caused by the depression). And so I never called the EAP. And I never got help. I tried.

Btw, I am not against drugs for treating PPD. It's not my first choice, because I'd prefer not to pass any trace of anything to PB via breastmilk. And I will be breastfeeding again. But I also recognize that I can't function again like that, so I will consider drugs if it starts to get bad again. There are safe(r) drugs for treating PPD while breastfeeding [ref].

Moxie, dear Moxie, has some great tips on ways to avoid/minimize the risk of/deal with PPD. Please read here - there is a series of seven posts so far.

I started running when LC was about five months old. Very slowly, very haltingly. I joined a running clinic at my local running store and started to socialize a bit - for 45 minutes every Saturday morning. Running really helped. Helped me feel more in control.

My treatment plan:
(Still being developed.)
- started pre-natal yoga at ~11 weeks, still going. Love it. I feel like it's really helping mentally and physically.
- less stress (Believe it or not. It's been less stressful being laid off and dealing with getting screwed in terms of serverance/mat leave than last pg when I was working too much)
- Meet with psychiatrist in PPD unit at hospital before PB is born
- More prepared for baby, breastfeeding
- Intervention team lined up (Mr. Chili, couple of friends)

Most of all: I keep repeating my new mantra.

"I am a different person now.

I will cope differently.

I will not react the same even if the exact same problems arise again."

Good stuff in December - LC

Sorry to have (re)posted this multiple times. I kept hitting Ctrl-S instead of Ctrl-C. Oops.

[For some context, see here.]

December brought another visit to local Children’s hospital. And some good news. And sweet relief.

Our last appt, in Jun-05, had the staff urologist preparing us for the worst. Left kidney badly scarred, not working well, reflux on left side not likely to resolve, surgery likely to either remove the bad kidney (thus resolving the reflux: no kidney means no connection to the bladder = no reflux). Gulp. Not life-threatening, by any means, but scary to us.

In the meantime, we were told to continue with the prophylactic dose of antibiotics (daily dose) and to be vigilant about getting urine samples with any unexplained fever (monitor for breakthrough infection). Oh, and when it comes to potty training, we were warned to be very gentle with him - no pressure - because holding urine only makes the reflux worse and increases his chance of another infection. Gulp again.

The doc also said next appt he would want to run a flow rate test to make sure LC was able to completely empty his bladder, so don't bring him back until he's potty trained. Hm, I thought, he'll be almost three by Jun-06, he should be potty trained by then...

Yes, please, go ahead and laugh.

Jun-06 is rapidly approaching. LC is nowhere near potty trained. Because Mommy and Daddy are too scared to try it. We're just not sure if he's ready. And we're scared of traumatizing him and making his reflux/kidney worse. Postpone appt to Sep-06.

Sep-06. After a false start in Jul-06, we are now in full-blown potty training. He's making progress, but not ready for prime-time. Postpone appt again, this time to Dec-06.

Dec-06. Finally ready! LC is doing awesome with the potty training.

The actual appointment
1. Flow rate test
We tried to give LC lots to drink before the epic drive from suburb to downtown. Not enough apparently. LC's bladder isn't full enough to run the test. LC is not impressed with the nurse running the test, and starts full-on screaming when I explain to him that he needs to lie down so the nurse can take a picture of his insides. Not a good start. The nurse tells us to come back after his next test.

2. Renal ultrasound
Another floor, more waiting. Even though it's been a year, I still remember where to go, the rooms, most of the staff are the same too. Eventually, the very nice tech tells us that they don't have enough machines available right now, but if we want, we can go use the emergency room machine. Sure, we say, why not.

This tech is very, very nice. She talks calmly to LC, she tells him what she's going to do. LC is very cooperative, he lies down and is very calm. It's almost like he's in a trance. Now maybe he's just overwhelmed, I don't know. Because he's not screaming, I can watch. She scans the right kidney first. To my layperson eyes, it looks rather, well, kidney-ish. Then she moves to the left side. Takes her a while to find it. Then she does. Oh. Wow. What a differnce. This thing doesn't really look like a kidney, it's very small, darker than the other. So doesn't look like there is good news there.

The ultrasound tech tells us his bladder looks full. Good news for doing the flow rate test.

3. Flow rate test (attempt #2)
Try again. Nope, bladder still not full enough. Damn. Oh well, just have to skip that test this year. We all agree that the next test is more important.

4. VCUG.
This is not a fun test. This is the test where the insert a catheter up his penis through to the bladder, fill his bladder with radioactive fluid, and take a bunch of xrays, wait for his bladder to empty, and take more xrays.

He had this test done to confirm the VUR at 6 months old. That was hard. He screamed so much - because the catheter hurt and because he was being held down. Then he had a similar scan done at 18mos DMSA scan). Similar in that it involved being catheterized. The DMSA scan was the one that showed he had very little kidney function on the left side.

So the 2006 VCUG. Although Mr. Chili was with us, and was probably a wiser choice for the one parent/caregiver that is allowed in a treatment room, you know, him not being pregnant and all, I was adamant that I had to be the one there. I don't know why I felt I had to be there. I think I felt it was a Mom-thing. It had to be me. Plus I think sitting in the waiting room listening to LC cry and scream would be even worse. Mr. Chili, being the awesome guy that he is, stepped back and let me go. Then the tech came out, saw my belly, and said officially I shouldn't go in there, but she understood that I needed/wanted to be there, and said if I was okay with the risk of fetal exposure to radiation, they would double the lead gowns and let me in. (The risk to the fetus is highest in the first tri, I was well into the third tri.)

I carried LC in, sat him on the table. They wrapped one lead apron around my belly, then put a second lead full gown on me. I could barely move. Then we laid LC down on the xray table and I started trying to keep him calm. No dice. I had to hold his arms up over his head so that he didn't a) contaminate the sterile field and b) yank out the catheter. It was pretty brutal. It's hard to gently thread a catheter up there, and especially hard when the patient is tense and screaming. Eventually they got it done. His bladder wouldn't empty completely, not a good thing since there was radioactive dye in there, but it wasn't worth prolonging the trauma.

LC was exhausted afterwards. I carried him out, we got him dressed and I just held him for a long time. When he'd recovered, we headed down to the cafeteria for lunch. We asked LC what he wanted after surviving his last test. The answer was, "Sushi!". Awesome. Gotta love that kid. He ate a bunch of sushi, drank lots and started to recover.

5. Appt with urologist
My mom came to the hospital for this so that she could watch LC while Mr. Chili and I talked to the doctor. You could tell LC wasn't himself because he sat in my mom's lap and watched Treehouse TV like a zombie the entire time we were talking to the doctor.

I was relieved when a resident walked in. This is because I've learned, at least at this hospital, when the head of the dept or staff dr shows up, it's probably bad news. If it's the resident, then it's routine stuff. And it was!

Because LC hasn't had any breakthrough infections since the inital infection, and because his left kidney has just enough function to make it worth keeping (around 15% for those of you playing at home), the treatment plan is to....do nothing!

Well, okay, something. But no surgery. Continue w/antibiotics, continue monitoring for infection. Come back in a year. If still no infections, he'll be four, and after age four, the risk of infections drops dramatically in VUR kids. (I'm not exactly sure why. I assume it's due to just growing - the ureters are longer, so even if there is still reflux, it's less likely to cause an infection.) And LC still has bad reflux on his left side, but not severe. And it's probably not going away. Holy change of speed. Mr. Chili and I had whiplash - this was so different for what we had been prepared for. And such a relief!

The next day, my arms were sore. Deep muscle sore. Like I had worked out. Then I realized it was from being tense, holding LC down and the weight of the lead gown.

There was fallout from the VCUG for LC. Peeing hurt for a couple of days and he totally regressed. He withheld big-time. We did our best to be gentle and patient and he did recover within about a week.


Note: We did prep LC for the procedures, as much as we could. My mom found this awesome book which we read many, many times.

I also asked what to do about the new baby. VUR does run in siblings. And there is no way I am willing to take the chance of having another baby get so sick and be so miserable for months while we figure out it's chronic bladder infection and that the baby has badly damaged one kidney. So the resident recommended that within a month of the baby's arrival, we get ourselves down to the hospital for some tests - minimum of a renal ultrasound. If it's a boy, we'll also need a VCUG. (Boys are more likely to get sicker from VCUG.) I am not eager to subject a baby to these tests. But I cannot go through what we went through with LC again. The doctor said it's very unlikely that this baby will have the same health issues. But he agreed we couldn't take the risk. And since LC was sick within a few months of birth, we need to do this soon after the baby's birth.

I feel good about this. I think it's the right thing to do. Even though it's not gonna be fun.

And I'm still relieved and happy that LC doesn't need surgery!

Oh the joys of being laid off & pregnant!

Hah!

Okay, disclaimer: I recognize that I am very lucky. I am in a good position. I do still get to take up to 12 months off after I have this baby*. And I will find another job - I'm young enough and employable enough. Yes, everything will work out. I get that. Really.

Back to being ungrateful.

This sucks. Let me list the ways:
1a. My severance is being paid out while I am on mat leave. This will mess up my mat leave payments and I will lose out on almost half of my entitled employment insurance payments. (And I should get it, darnit, I paid into the EI system for years!)

1b. The purpose of severance is to provide a salary while you look for a job. Great. So it really makes sense to collect my severance while I am at home with a newborn. Because I'm really going to hit the job search hard and bring my infant with me to job interviews. NOT!!! My severance pay should be paid out when my leave is complete.

2. I will have a year-long gap in my resume. Yes, I can explain why, but that means I have say 1) I was laid off (not such a bad thing) and 2) I was on mat leave. Telling them I was on mat leave really sucks. It's none of their business that I was on mat leave. Telling them I was on mat leave means that I'm telling them I have at least one child. And because I am a woman, if they are stereotyping (and so many people do, myself included), they will assume that means I will be off more if my child is sick. It introduces an entire topic that has no bearing on my ability to do the job.

3. Part-time work.
When I returned to work after my mat leave with LC, I was able to come back 4 days a week for 16 months. It was a fantastic balance of work/home. I was very happy with the arrangement. Unfortunately it did end after 16 months, but man, what a difference that 16 months made. The odds of me being able to find a similar arrangement with a brand-new employer with whom I have established zero credibility? Very, very slim.

4. I actually like(d) my job.
I liked working for my current employer. I liked the variety, challenges, etc of my job. I was good at it. I like the people. I find myself tearing up a lot as I say goodbye to colleagues and begin packing up. This sucks.

And that's enough whining. It's not even Wednesday...

* Very grateful to live in Canada, where we get up to 52 weeks of maternity/parental leave. Very, very civilized. Humane, even. Unlike other countries *cough* the U.S. *cough* where I have no idea how moms go back to work after just six or eight or maybe if you're luck twelve weeks.

Why yes, I am alive and I do still blog.

At least in my head I do. Yeah, hi, sorry about that. It's not like anyone actually reads this thing anyways. (Not a plea for sympathy or readers, just stating the facts.) (And I'm okay with no one reading this. I think of it as cheap therapy.)

So much to blog, so little, uh, motivation? I have written so many blog updates in my head during showers or my drive to work. But never seem to write them down. Why? I'm not sure.

Just a placeholder until I write some updates on our exciting December. (Good news stuff - yeah!)

Things that make me laugh, pt 5

Anecdote 1
My BIL tells me that the Saskatchewan pork marketing board came up with a genius marketing slogan a few years ago. He's a credible guy, so I'm inclined to believe him.

Picture this, if you will - a big billboard featuring a loving couple arm in arm. The slogan reads, "Pork.
The one you love."

Seriously? Seriously.
Mr. Chili and I laughed so hard at this unintentionally hilarious billboard.

From a quick google search, it looks like occurred circa 2001. Found this pic via Flickr. (Thanks smiteme!) The Saskatchewan Pork Marketing board does exist. And many bloggers have blogged about it before me. Ah well. It's still funny!


Anecdote 2
In a week or so, Mr. Chili and I will be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary. Cool! For fun, I looked up the recommended ideas that the clever marketing people say I should give. (Did that make sense? No? Sorry.)
Traditional: Wood
Modern: Silverware

*snort* Did someone say wood? Mr. Chili and I - clearly immature, with pubescent senses of humour were laughing pretty hard about this one too. Poor Mr. Chili not getting much action these days, so the laughter was mixed with a tear or two on his part, I'm sure. I've promised him that if he presents me with some wood on our anniversary, I will do my best to appreciate it.