My inner voice

I've attended a series of seminars courtesy of the career counselling program that was part of my severance package. Most of them are very job search focused:

• career assessment (which included the very interesting Birkman First Look survey)
• self-marketing and networking (hard to do, but very necessary for finding a job)
• resume building
• interviewing and negotiating strategies
• becoming an entrepreneur
• consulting and contracting - pros & cons

Today I attended an "enrichment" session. It was titled "Job search communication and conversation", but really, it was about how we talk to ourselves and can sabotage ourselves. Duh, right? Yes, I knew this stuff. Becoming more conscious of some of the crappy things I do to myself? Very worthwhile. I sometimes really think I could use some therapy.

Ego states

I learned about Eric Berne's theories about the ego states. That we each have within ourselves a parent, adult and child state. I would go on, but I think it is better said here and here. The first link has a great illustration of the states and how we transition from one to another. The second has a lot of info and is a bit dry. Apparently this is called "transactional analysis. It's neat stuff and gave me insight for my own head and also why I have so much trouble communicating with my 4.5 year old.

My inner critic

We all have a little voice in our heads. It warns us when something is a bad idea, it encourages us when we're scared, it tells us we're a fuck-up.... I was aware of mine, but after today's session I am much more aware of how much power I give my inner voice and how much I let it affect what I do. We talked about liberating your inner voice - not killing it, that won't happen. But engaging that voice, embracing it, talking to it. Yeah, it all sounds touch-feely and out there. I know. At the same time? I know my inner voice is brutal to me.

As an exercise, the instructor had us write about our inner voice and how it's affecting our job search. Here is what I wrote.

Q: With respect to your job search, what are the two most common messages your inner critic give you?

A1: No one will want to hire me part-time. Why should I get special treatment?

A2: I do not have any special skills or unique characteristics. I'm just an ordinary, average person. No one is going to want to hire me (for the kind of position and salary I want).

Q: How is the inner critic helpful, hurtful, frightening, etc.?

A: My inner voice is paralyzing. The panic buzzes around my brain so I can't think, can't move forward, can't respond to questions. My inner critic squelches my joy, makes me talk negatively about everything, even the things that make me happy. And this is reflected in what I say out loud - I feel like everything I say is a complaint or a whine. I don't want to be like this anymore. It is exhausting to be so negative. And part of it is caused by the perpetual exhaustion of having two young kids and looking for a job.

Q: What kinds of messages could you give yourself that are honest and supportive?

A: Look at my skills objectively. I can acknowledge and place value on the things that I have done. I must interrupt my inner voice before she finishes the "but". Get her to rephrase - I will, I can, I love.

Q: Anything else?

A: I want to start - really try - to be more positive. I need to coach my inner voice to stop being so negative, teach it instead to be my cheerleader.

~~~

I know that's all mega-touch feely. But man, there is truth there. My inner voice is killing my joy. I don't want to be down and negative all the time. And believe me, it's my normal state. I can do better. I'm going to try.

(I feel perilously close to sounding like Stuary Smalley, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." *snort*)

I'm learning about myself. It's painful sometimes, enlightening, and I hope it will help me find a job that is closer to my values. I guess I should be thankful for being laid off. I doubt I ever would have found the time to sort through this stuff if I hadn't been forced into it.

Happy 2nd bloggiversary!

Yep, that's right. Two years of lame posts, with huge gaps of time in between. Something to be proud of. Not really. But this blog is mine, and I put what I can into it. I want to do more - if only there was a way to post directly from my brain. On second thought, that might be a little scary.

Happy 2nd bloggiversary, self.

Transition

Apologies for dropping off the face of the earth. We've been busy around here. Pepperette turned one, March break happened and my maternity leave ended. Last week Pepperette started her gradual introduction to Montessori/daycare. She did very well. I found it really hard. It broke my heart to hand her over to the teacher and walk away as Pepperette reached for me, crying. I found out when I returned a few hours later to get her that she stopped crying as soon as I was out of sight. So really, she did very well.

Also this week, I officially started my job search. I've attended about three half day seminars so far. I'm getting a lot out of them, certainly I feel more energized and optimistic that I will be able to find something part-time. I'm worried about finding something good enough in the limited time frame I have (of course, the list of things I worry about is long and varied). I don't get that many weeks of EI. I hope I can find something on my terms before I run out of money. I feel very strongly that I have to take the time to really look, to really try to make this career change, this lifestyle change. If I don't do it now, I fear I will end up stressed and miserable, feeling like I never see my kids and husband.

In other news, bad news has been hitting us on multiple fronts. Listed in random order - goodness knows the trouble I would get in if I ranked my stepmother over my cat.

I'm (trying to) keep it all in perspective - the kids, Mr. Chili and I still have a roof over our heads and reasonable health. But.... Our beloved family cat, Boomer, is dying. He is wasting away. Many vet visits and large bills later, we have eliminated the benign, treatable causes and are left with terminal illnesses like cancer. He is only 7 years old. The vet was shocked at his appearance. Not only is he down to a mere 7.5 lbs from a healthy 12 lbs, but he looks aged, more like a 14 or 15 year old cat. His spirits are good and he doesn't seem to be suffering. No vomiting or diarrhea or litter box accidents. He isn't eating or drinking much though, so to keep him more comfortable, I am giving him fluids subcutaneously. Since we don't know what us killing him we have no idea how long he will live. He's an awesome cat, so loving, such a great personality, so great with the kids. I'm so sad about this. I'm also worried about LC and how he will handle this. We're making it up as we go, hoping that everyone comes through it okay.

Car troubles. Mr. Chili was in a car accident with our older but paid for and runs really well car about a month ago. Some knob, not paying attention ran into the passenger rear side of the car. Fortunately he wasn't hurt, nor were the kids in the car. But oh the hassle. The insurance company ended up writing off the car. Did I mention I'm unemployed? Not a good time to take on a car payment. So we were able to take a reduced settlement from the insurance company and get it fixed. Took ages to settle and get the car fixed, which sucked because we are most definitely suburbanites who are reliant on having two cars. All's well that ends well.

In far bigger, badder news, my dad called on Friday to tell us that my stepmom has breast cancer. It is pretty bad, but doesn't appear to have spread to the lymph nodes. I am not very close to my stepmom (very, very long story), but she and my dad are very much in love and my dad has some major health issues of his own. We don't know the treatment plan yet - probably surgery by next Friday, then who knows - radiation? Chemo? I'm worried that she will die and my dad won't be able to stand it, that it will break him. I'm worried about the toll that supporting her will take on his health. They live an hour away and I just hope that I will be able to find good ways to support them. I do care about my stepmom, I do. I want her to fight this and win.

Finally, I have a dear friend who is in a very bad, very messy personal situation. It is so beyond anything you can imagine that if I told you the details you'd say I was making that shit up. I have been doing my best to support her, to be her rock. It is really hard because I worry about her, about my safety, her kids. I've been involved for this for two years. And the truth is that it keeps getting worse and worse. It is killing her in the most literal sense. I feel helpless a lot of the time. I know I can't rescue her, only she can. But that doesn't make it any easier to watch.

Got to post this now, while I have a minute. Pepperette is almost done nursing.

Maple Syrup!

Perhaps LC's favourite condiment. I'll have to ask him which is better - maple syrup or ketchup. He consumes both on a near daily basis. In terms of volume, I believe maple syrup wins. And we're talking the real stuff. Frankly, I see no point in the high fructose corn syrup crap.

In celebration of LC's love of maple syrup and the first day of March break and the fact that the sap is starting to run - which means that spring might actually be coming...some day.... we headed up to the Purple Woods Conservation Area north of Oshawa for the Maple Syrup Festival. It was a gorgeous day: sunny, a not-too-cold -3 degC, with lots of snow. (Left from the latest snow storm that buried us on Saturday.)

We trekked through the woods with Pepperette on my back in our backpack carrier. I'm obviously not up on the latest techniques in sap gathering, because I was surprised at the network of tubing that ran from one tree to the next, all leading downhill towards the sugar shack.

Mr. Chili and LC enjoyed meal of pancakes and sausages. Then we toured the sugar shack. Not much of a tour - small space, with a pleasant and knowledgeable tour guide but with no sap being gathered yet, not much to see. Then we went on a short wagon ride. And bought some maple syrup treats too. All told - $7 for family admission, $6 for the family wagon ride, $9.50 for the pancake, sausage, hot chocolate and $9 on maple syrup suckers and maple butter. Not a cheap outing, but fun and a pleasant way to spend an afternoon.

On our way home, we happened to drive by the White Feather country store. A good friend always used to bring us treats from White Feather. They make the most divine, amazing Chocolate Silk Truffle bars. To die for. Really. I didn't have a clue where the bakery/store was - turns out it is north of Oshawa. We stopped by and I bought some treats for the boys - pumpkin pie, raisin butter tarts and m&m cookies. It was hard not to buy more. And not to buy anything for myself. Damn thrush.

I recommend the maple syrup festival and White Feather as a good half-day outing.