April Fool's (cont'd)

[Continued from previous post, as my mobile web browser apparently has a max number of characters allowed. Grrrrr.]

I have to remind myself that it's still better than with LC. I'm generally coping better, and I think she's a more mellow baby. But I'm still pissed off/frustrated that I'm 0/2 for latching babies. She is almost one month old, and here I am, still tied to the f'n pump.

I believe at I am still hanging onto my sanity, managing to keep myself from sliding down that slippery slope into that dark, warm and familiar pit. I've got an appointment with the post-partum psychiatrist next week. On one hand I want her to agree that I'm doing great and don't need to come back. On the other hand, I'm terrified that she'll let me go, PPD will suddenly set in, and no one will be there to help me. Not espcially likely or rational, but it's haunting me.

April Fool's

[Written yesterday, but no time to post.]

Any April Fool's jokes/pranks played on you? Me neither. Might be speaking prematurely, since it's only 4:11 pm, but I'm pretty confident that the universe is content with my current hellish existence.

Okay. I'm exaggerating. It's not that bad. But today it feels like that. M is still not fully at the breast - she latches up to five or six times per 24 hours. Only on the right breast. Never on the left. So my days are fully consumed with a neverending cycle of cup feeding (no atificial nipples here, just can't do it), latch attempt (sometimes successful), pump, change diaper, pause, repeat. Somtimes she naps in there, and I get to spend some time with LC or do a load of laundry or maybe even pee... M is a pretty good sleeper, but like most babies in my experience, she sleeps best on me. So often, shortly after I carefully put her down, deeply asleep, she starts to sqwak, quickly escalating to screaming. But I have to finish pumping. Its brutal. It's hard to watch her looking for me and not be able to pick her up, even though it's only for ten minutes.

Yet I have to remind myself that this is huge progress. And my supply is better this time. The funny thing is that I don't remember exactly when LC was fully at the breast. Six weeks is what sticks in my brain, but I know it was gradual process for him, where he started latching more and more often around six weeks. I think I don't want to remember the details. They are all caught up in the PPD fog that swamped my brain for ten plus months.

...to be continued...
(Stupid mobile browser won't let me post the rest of this entry. Grrrrrr....I won't even tell you ow long this has taken to post.)