22-Jun Not-so-fitness journal

Weight yesterday = 151.6 lbs.
Yes, that's right. I managed to gain back any minimal loss I might have had. In fact, yesterday I broke the previous record of 151.2lbs. Gah. I suck.

Weight today = 150.8lbs.
Better. I actually ate well yesterday and went for a run.

Okay. Time to come clean. I think the real (and so secret I don't want to admit it out loud) reason I haven't been dedicated to losing weight is that I want to get pregnant. Again. I am ready to have a second child. If you know me, you'll know that this is a mind-blowing revelation. Seriously. And it's not one that I can admit out loud. Well, that's not true. I did admit it to Mr. Chili a few months ago. And we started tentatively trying in May. Kind of trying-without-actually-admitting that we're trying. As in, I'm using the ovulation signs to time sex to give us a shot at hitting the egg. But given our history (trying to conceive LC was non-trivial. Although nowhere near what many, many others have gone through), I had no expectations that we would get lucky on the first shot.

So mentally, I am holding myself in limbo, thinking crap thoughts like, "No point in losing weight now because I'm hoping to be pregnant soon and I'll just gain it back."

That's just stupid. Because I know if I'm in better shape, I'll have a better pregnancy. G*d knows I cannot afford to gain 65 fu**ing pounds like last time.

And that's the truth. Now that I've admitted it out loud, maybe I'll be able to regain and maintain my focus? Let's hope so.

Not-so-Fitness Journal

Where to start? I still weigh anywhere from 149-151 lbs. I haven't lost a bit. And I know why. I lack the drive and committement to change my eating habits and lifestyle to lose weight.

I feel:

• Fat. The clothes that fit me last year don't.
• Ugly. I just don't look as good as I could.
• Frustrated. That it it within my power to lose these 8 or so pounds and I can't get my sh!t together to lose.
• Apathetic. I look okay, kind of. But then I try on clothes in my closet that fit last summer. And they don't fit. And I feel like sh!t.

I have a million excuses.

• I'm busy. Now that I'm working full-time, it's really tough to find time to exercise. And I have a toddler. Who I want to spend time with
• I'm tired. See above.
• I'm not motivated. I look okay. Kinda.
• There's always an excuse to eat junk or just too much. BBQ at work, dinner at MILs, anniversary celebration with Mr. Chili, feeling blue, feeling happy.
• ...

I am annoyed with myself for not being more motivated. I know how to do this. I have done this before. The real pisser is that I was down to 140 (pre-pg weight) in April, 2005. What the f**k happened? I got plantar fasciitis, I stopped training so hard, but kept eating.

I'm a problem solver. So how do I solve this problem? I feel like an alcholic - I swear that I'm going to stop overeating & start exercising. And I do, for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days. Then I fall off the wagon. And it starts again.

How do I find the motivation to stay committed. I've toyed with the idea of joining WW. But I resist - I say, "it's only 8 pounds", "I can do this myself", "I've done this before". But it's not working. I'm not staying motivated and committed. Arrrrgggh!

I want to end this post with a committment to my body and my health. But I don't want to because I feel like I'll just break this promise too. I know I can do better. I just have to figure out how.

Mind in the Gutter, Part 2

Continuing the journey into my strange little mind...

At the building where I work, we have a problem with Canada Geese

[Photo source: http://www.jacksonbottom.org]

They are big birds that like to nest in the middle of the parking lot. Not good for people or geese. In an effort to humanely discourage the geese from choosing this building's parking lot for nesting, the building management company has implemented a...wait for it....



GOOSE MANAGEMENT PROGRAM

Laughing yet? In my vocabulary, a goose is "pinch in the buttocks; 'he goosed the unsuspecting girl'" (source). So the first time I heard this, all I could think about was a management-sanctioned program that encourages us to pinch each other's asses. *snort*

The reality is it's a pretty cool program, that uses a fake coyote (moved strategically every day), lasers at night and a cannon at night, which all work to make the geese think that this is not a cool place to land. Much better than any other option of poisoning or hunting or...

What's wrong with having geese on the property? A few things:

• Nesting geese are very agressive, and large sections of the parking lot have to be cordoned off, and parking is limited.
• Geese and cars are a bad combination. (Last year, before the program was started, two geese were killed.)
• Geese are messy, and leave poop everywhere

*goose* Hah.