What an interesting month, part 2

29-Jun, evening
I've been aware all day that my period has not yet arrived. But it was late last month (by one stinking day) and I foolishly got excited, POAS got a BFN and my period promptly arrived two hours later. Hah! The universe is so funny.

While the big boss is droning on about how we're all losing our jobs, my mind is (semi-hysterically) thinking - man, wouldn't it be strange if I was pregnant now? Huh. Nah.

After Mr. Chili and I hashed out different scenarios for my future employment, I mentioned, oh so casually, that my period was late, just a day mind you, and that I was going to POAS in the morning. That would make my period show up!

30-Jun, 0600.
After a restless sleep, I find myself wide awake at 0600. Ugh. Not my favourite time to be awake. Especially since I was going to give myself the luxury of sleeping in that day. I mean, really, I was losing my job. Who cares if I come in at 0900 or 1000?

I lie in our bed, wide awake. And I know why I'm awake. The tantalizing possibility that I could be pregnant is in my brain, buzzing around. It's like the elephant in the room. Can't stop looking at it, thinking about it. So I quietly get out of bed, trying not to disturb Mr. Chili and LC. LC has had a restless night, the kind that really makes us wish that LC was ready for his own bed. Mr. Chili is sprawled out on his stomach, on top of the covers, in his boxers. So sexy and rumpled.

I quietly walk into the bathroom. Pull out the only pregnancy test I have. I decide to take it downstairs to the half bathroom. Don't have to worry about disturbing anyone. Even the cat and dog are still asleep. I bring the instructions. God knows why. It's not like pregnancy tests are uber-complicated. I pee on the stick. I have to watch. I watch my pee travel up the stick, and I stare unblinking at one and then two lines appear. No faint shadow of a line here, but a definite positive.

Holy shit.

Outwardly, I think I appear pretty calm. But inwardly, my mind is in turmoil. I am laughing at the universe's timing. I am grateful, so very, very grateful. I realize what a miracle this is. And I realize that if I wasn't pregnant now, we'd have to do the responsible thing and stop trying until I found a new job. And then wait until I was established in my new job. It could be a year or more. And that would suck even more. So I'll take my turmoil and uncertainty because it comes with a pregnancy.

I don't know how long I sat on the toilet. Eventually, I come upstairs, stick clutched in my hand. And I lie in bed, waiting until a more civilized hour to wake Mr. Chili. I don't even know how to tell him. I wonder if he'll be excited. I can't remember how he reacted when I was pg with LC. Just before 0700, I can't take it anymore. I walk over to his side of the bed, and I kiss his cheek. And I place the stick in his hand. He says he's been awake the whole time - that he heard me get up. He knew I was gone for a while and wondered if that meant good news. Other that a wow, he doesn't really react. And I am disappointed. That neither of us is jumping-up-and-down excited. I guess we're just not like that. And to be fair, we're both still in shock that I've lost my job.

Later on in the shower, I remember that Mr. Chili took a while to react last time too. This is normal.

We talk a bit in the morning over LC and during morning preparations for work and school. We decide that this is going to make one hell of a story. How often do you lose your job and find out you're pregnant in the same 24 hours?

So interweb, that's the big stuff. There's lots more to talk about - vacation, sickness, telling people, job searching while pregnant. I'll get to it. I'm sure you understand that things are very busy right now.

Not-so-strangely silent (aka What an Interesting Month)

So interweb. How are you? It's been an interesting month since I last posted.

29-Jun:
At 3 o'clock in the afternoon, my employer announced that they are closing down the engineering center that employs me. Everyone is gone - 200 engineers and managers. Quite a shock. Some people are being "separated" (that's the term du jour, apparently) in September, most in December and a few in March. Holy shit. In some ways this news is a total shock. In hindsight, there were some warnings. None of which I should talk about here, since I do want to remain employed until my separation date.

The part that really sucks is that I like it here. I was really getting into the grove in my role, finding a lot of satisfaction in it. Felt like I was making a difference. An impact.

That night, Mr. Chili and I talked a lot. About different scenarios.

I guess the only good thing is that I updated my resume in April, so it didn't need much tweaking to be ready. I was considering the possibility of leaving my employer for another job, very interesting, very challenging. But that opportunity fizzled out, and I let it go. Like I said, I was really enjoying my job.

Now? After a month, I have regained some motivation and momentum. It took a while. It's hard to be motivated. It's hard not to think "fuck you". And "what are they going to do? Fire me?" But I'm pretty much over that and I want to finish things up and leave them in a good state.

The severance package really bites. It's so small that the message I'm getting is, "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out". It's disappointing, because my employer is usually a pretty classy. I know that past layoffs have had much better packages. So I have no incentive to stay for my package. I just want to get the hell out of here.

And then it got more complicated.