Extraordinarily Ordinary

Job news!

2008-07-30T11:00:00.000-04:00

(Okay, using too many exclamation marks these days. My bad.)

I am very excited and very nervous right now. Yesterday I accepted a job offer.

~~~
Aaaaaaand fast forward about five weeks. It's July 30th. I am in my third week of work at NewJob. Very happy with the job so far. Lots of work, and really, it's the complete opposite of what I said I wanted. It is full-time (and more), full-on, right in high-tech. Not part-time, less stress, etc. I didn't even apply to this job or company. They found me, I decided to find out more, went through a few rounds of interviews, and they made me an offer I couldn't turn down. The opportunity for growth in this job was irresistible to me. So I accepted.

We're also moving to a new city. NewJob is located too far from our current house. Mr. Chili is going to be able to work from home in NewCity, so we're good there. The amount of change happening for us right now is staggering. Right now I am living in corporate housing (a nice townhouse) with Pepperette. Monday to Friday, we do our thing - she goes to daycare, I go to work, in the evening we go house shopping and after she is asleep, I do all the lunch prep, dinner prep, laundry, work, etc. On Fridays, we head back to our suburban house and to LC and Mr. Chili.

Back at the homestead, Mr. Chili has been working to get our house ready to sell. Lots of work - had the interior of the house painted, new carpet, bathroom updates, decluttering, etc. In the meantime, Mr. Chili has also had lots of problems to solve at work, taking away from his time to do house stuff. Add to that that Mr. Chili also had to go to Europe for two weeks on a business trip and - hoo boy - do we have a lot goin' on.

Thank goodness for my mom & MIL. They have been tag-teaming to take care of LC during the week while Mr. Chili has been away. LC goes to summer camp during the day, so the moms only have to manage mornings, dinner and bedtime. We are very lucky to have a supportive family.

As for the job, I am very happy with it. There is a lot of energy, my job is very interesting, the project I'm managing is cool, etc. I have to be very conscious of my work/life boundaries, so that work doesn't spill over and take over. It's easy for me to get sucked in because of my personality. Fortunately, I have to pickup Pepperette around 5pm every day, and I'm on my own (with Mr. Chili still at the homestead), so I'm forced to leave my desk and focus on other things.

I am trying to really embrace all this change. To tolerate the chaos and even thrive in it. By the beginning of September, we will all be living in the same town, Pepperette in daycare, LC at his new Montessori school, Mr. Chili working at home and me at my NewJob. We're close to buying a house in NewCity too. (And man, do I have some good house stories. People are just strange sometimes.)

It won't be a month again. Promise! I'll be back in a week or less.

Hail!

2008-06-17T01:21:00.004-04:00

Wow. What a hail storm we had today.

I was nursing Pepperette for the umpteenth time (she is getting over a stomach virus). The sky got dark and it started to rain. Suddenly it got really, really loud. I ran downstairs and took some pictures and video. I wanted to capture the noise of the hail. I even grabbed a few hail stones and put them in the freezer for LC to examine when he got home from school. It wasn't golf ball sized hail as reported in some areas, but I'd say it was 2.5cm. The funny thing is that we were talking about weather, specifically hail, this past weekend. I said it had been a long time since I had seen hail. I didn't realize I was putting in a request. Amazingly, Pepperette slept through the whole thing.

Front yard covered in hail stones

One shredded Hosta

The Hosta that survived (sheltered by the garage)

Unfortunately the house and car were damaged. The siding in the front and side of the house look like someone took a ball-peen hammer to them. The roof of our car looks the same. The trim on the front of the house is damaged too. Ugh. I'll have to call the insurance company tomorrow.

More proof that motherhood has changed me

2008-06-04T13:01:00.001-04:00

This morning was not. fun. It was the kind of morning that would have left me in an extremely bad mood in my former life, before I was a mom. But this morning? I shrugged my shoulders and kept moving. And after I dropped the kids off? I breathed a sigh of relief. I am actually pretty cheerful right now. Shocking.

So what happened? We all slept in. (Good - mmmm sleep. Bad - everyone is late.) LC was in a good mood for about five nanoseconds, then he was a total PITA*. It was a battle to get LC dressed, Pepperette was in a great mood but took forever to eat her breakfast. Oh, and how could I forget - LC had a (thankfully rare) accident this morning and peed through his pjs, the sheets, the waterproof pad, duvet and duvet cover. The only dry things? The pillows. Oh boy - more laundry! And it was garbage/recycling day, so there was the usual scramble to get the kids out of the house and getting the garbage out before the truck came. (Damn them and their variable schedule! One week they don't come until after lunch, the next week they come at 0800.)

Like I said, now it's mid-day. The house is quiet and I am working on my job search. Or writing blog entries. *ahem*

*PITA = Pain In The Ass. It's a great acronym. We love PITA bread around here. I wonder how long til the kids catch on...

This article? It describes my life.

2008-06-04T10:34:00.005-04:00

I've written before about my desire to find a job that allows me for better work/life balance. How I don't want to work 50-60 hours a week every week. How I love being a PMP and P.Eng, but how hard it is to work in high-tech and be the kind of mom I want to be.

So I shouldn't have been surprised to read this article. It talks about how women between the ages of 35-40 (check) are leaving science/engineering/technology jobs in record numbers, despite the fact that they are getting outstanding performance reviews (double check) and love their jobs (triple check). Why? Because many of them are also moms and they are tired of working crazy hours. They are also tired of the "wearying atmosphere of sexism" (quadruple check). Oh yes, how I can relate. In my work years, I have put up with all sorts of sexist crap, none of which I did anything about. I'm not proud of the fact that I let it slide, but it felt like the only choice. Did I want to be blacklisted? No. So I shut up, laughed it off and got my work done.

I don't know whether to feel validated or sad that this is a common problem. I think the quote that summed it up for me is this, "The workplace culture is like a time warp," says Dr. Sherbin, director of research at the Center for Work-Life Policy. "It's 20 to 30 years behind other workplaces."

How true.

New look

2008-06-04T00:41:00.003-04:00

Finally changed my blog template. I hated the light font on dark background. I realized how user-unfriendly it was. So here is a new and sadly, generic, look. I also still can't get my flipping blogroll to show up.

Ah well, at least one thing is improved.

Back to normal

2008-06-03T23:17:00.004-04:00

Overall, things are pretty good right now. My thrush flare-up has subsided. The culprit? I eliminated a spelt bread made from sprouted grains (as opposed to yeast). I was able to tolerate it before, but I guess Pepperette and I ate too much of it. That and other mystery factors that I just cannot figure out. Hormones? I dunno. It took both of us stopping eating the bread, eating lots of unsweetened 6% milk fat unsweetened yogurt, and about a week for the pain to subside. I'm back to "only sore occasionally", which is a blessed relief after the intensity of the pain. I won't even get into how f'n frustrating the constant flare-ups are.

Pepperette is still *this close* to walking. A few days ago she started free standing. She stands there, wavering, looking like a surfer hanging on for dear life. And then boom!, she loses it and either falls on her bum or catches herself with her hands. It is way cute.

LC started his second season of soccer and he had a pretty good time the first week. The second week? Not so much. He only played for about 1 minute, then he tripped and that derailed the rest of the game. He sat on the sidelines with his team and refused all attempts to get him back on the field. *sigh* I hope next week is better. I'm not having crazy expectations - all I want is him to run around, chase the ball, listen and have fun.

The job search is progressing. I think. I had a phone interview this week, which went well and I'm hoping to get an in-person interview next. I also completed a pre-screening interview and am waiting to hear if I'm going to get an interview for that. Then there are a couple of other things in the works. Gah. I just hope that something happens soon.

I met an old friend today for tea. We were best friends through high school and university, but started to drift apart a few years after uni. Then we completely lost touch for a few years. I had tormented myself with guilt that I sucked at friendship and that it was my fault. But I was too chicken to pick up the damn phone, so I just kept shoving the guilt away when it resurfaced. Then by fluke, I ran into her about a month ago after a race. We talked and it was great. I phoned her a couple of days later and we talked some more. Today we met for tea and chatted some more. I know that we are unlikely to be bestest friends again - we live too far apart, have completely different lifestyles, etc. But we are friends again. And I will do my part to keep it going this time. It feels good in a way I can't articulate to be talking to her again.

Last week I finally phoned another old friend from high school. She has been calling me for a *embarrassed cough* year. And I never called her back. I can't fully explain why. Other than the generic "I suck". (And I am so good at putting myself down. I've made it into an art. An art that I am trying to STOP PRACTICING.) The longer I let something go, the worse I feel, and the harder it is for me to make myself fix it. All I had to do is call her. She is a wonderful, forgiving person. So I finally did. And we talked for over an hour. I don't know when I'll see her again, but dammit, we have reconnected again. And that too feels good.

So we're doing pretty well here. Other relatives? Not doing as well. I am struggling to figure out how to help and support our loved ones. Because:

my sister is having a partial knee replacement this week. She will be in the hospital for a few days, then recuperating at home for a few weeks. And my mom won't be here. She has unbreakable plans. So I feel a double obligation to help my sister - run errands, take her food, etc. She has a wonderful husband and son, and they are capable, but I want to (need to) help. She lives an hour away from me.
my stepmother started chemo this week. She is handling it well so far, but it is a tough treatment. She lives an hour away, same town as my sister.
my MIL is having a major recurrence of inflammatory arthritis. She feels really poorly and is having other (unbloggable) problems. And she lives an hour and a half away, north of us.

Add to this the fact that Mr. Chili is going on another business trip, this time to the U.S. for a week. I feel relief that the trip is only a week, akin to how I imagine it feels to go from slamming my face into a door, versus closing said door on my foot. Boy, closing the door on my foot feels so much less painful.

Somehow I will manage to keep our house in order, find a job, take a care package to my sister and stepmom and gah, I don't know what else.

Mostly good, some not.

2008-05-26T22:36:00.001-04:00

It's hard to believe that Mr. Chili came home over a week ago. It is so good to have him home again. And not just because he does stuff and helps. I really missed his company, his good sense, his hugs. (I'd say I missed sex, but I'd be lying. It has been a ridiculous length of time since we last had sex. We both want to, in an abstract, wouldn't-it-be-nice kind of way. But man, by the time the kids are asleep and the hockey game is over and I'm finished with blogging or job searching...well, it just doesn't happen.) We don't connect much these days. I'm finding it tough to maintain our husband-wife relationship while parenting these two kids. We've got to work harder at it.

We've had a few lovely family moments since Mr. Chili came home.

Last Wednesday we all went for a walk in the light rain. Mr. Chili had Pepperette in the backpack carrier covering them both with a large golf umbrella, I had Cosmo (our dog) on leash with an umbrella, and LC skipped on ahead carrying his own perfectly size yellow umbrella. We only went around the block, and there was some whining (from LC), but it was still wonderful. A sweet moment of togetherness.

Yesterday afternoon, we just relaxed and hung out in the front yard. LC played with the girl across the street, Pepperette rode up and down the sidewalk on a hand-me-down riding caterpillar, and Mr. Chili our neighbour and I stood around chatting. It was a gorgeous day. It was a cliched slice of suburban life, I suppose. But it is my cliche and it was wonderful.

Pepperette has been doing all sorts of new things - she can climb the stairs likety-split now. She is very close to walking, which is so much fun to watch. She consistently nods her head for yes and shakes it side to side for no. She is very good at communicating what she wants at mealtime. She doesn't have any teeth yet - almost 15 months old and no teeth. At what point does one start to worry about that? She doesn't really have any distinct words or even sounds that we can associate with objects. A bit of babbling, but that is it. No worries, she's doing just fine.

We're all adjusting to life without Boomer. I really miss him. I constantly see him out of the corner of my eye. I am more confident now that I did the right thing by having him euthanized. We've given away all the cat food and cat litter. It will be a while before we get another pet, I think.

And finally, I am having the worst thrush flareup since last summer. Since I started this diet. I can't figure out what set it off, why it is so severe and how to make it stop. It's okay on the left side, severe on the right. To the point that when I latch Pepperette on the right side I have to bite really hard on my finger so that I don't yell out loud. Having pain somewhere else helps offset the pain in my nipple. My neck and shoulder are wrecked because of the tension everytime she nurses. The only thing I can think that is causing the continued flareup - and I've been dealing with this severity for over a week now - it the spelt bread we were both eating. We ate a lot of it over the time Mr. Chili was gone. It's a sprouted bread, as in non-yeast. It is supposed to be safe for anti-candida diets. I wonder if we just ate too much. I eliminated it from my diet, but it's about the only thing Pepperette will eat for breakfast these days, so she is still eating it. I'm going to eliminate it completely from both our diets and hope that it helps. I am so fucking sick of this.

I am sick of the constant restrictions on what I can and cannot eat. I am tired of trying to introduce new things and getting slammed by a flareup. I am tired of following the restrictions exactly and still having flareups. Whine, whine, whine.

"Why don't you wean Pepperette?" you might ask. Good question. I have thought about it, but never seriously considered it. No, I am not a martyr or a masochist. However, breastfeeding is a really important part of how I want to parent my kids. Also, I nursed LC until he self-weaned at 2.5. I want to offer Pepperette the same opportunity - to nurse until she is ready to stop. Also, I don't know how I would handle early weaning. Not well, I suspect.

For now, I will carry on. Dreading the next nursing session for the pain. Frustrated with the restrictions. Hoping that this will all be worth it.

I love Fridays!

2008-05-15T22:55:00.000-04:00

Especially this Friday. Because tomorrow Mr. Chili comes home from overseas, from what felt like the longest business trip ever, but was in fact, two weeks long.

We have (nearly) survived. The kids have dealt with his absence remarkably well, and I am still upright. I am exhausted because neither kid has slept well since daddy left. That and managing the household and job searching and parenting is a lot for one person to do. Oh, and all the crises that happened...

In no particular order, please allow me to whine about the crap that has happened over the past two weeks:

Aunt Janet died. Couldn't go to the funeral - was not going to attempt to drive to Michigan with two kids by myself

Boomer died. He was euthanized at the vets. (I hate the expression "put to sleep".) Worse, I had to make the decision myself. One of the hardest things I've ever done.

The washing machine died. Seriously? Seriously. There is nothing quiet like taking your washing machine apart at midnight, after the kids are asleep and lunches are made, in an effort to a) determine if the machine can be repaired and b) save yourself $100 to hear that it can't be fixed. The answer? Not worth repairing. My 7.5 year old piece of shit Frigidaire (I will post the model number later) is dead. So, hey, sure, let's spend a thousand dollars we don't have on a new machine. 'Cause spending money is awesome when you're unemployed! Oh, and as an added bonus? You get to waste time at the laundromat washing loads of clothes! And there is the joy of shopping for a new washing machine with two small children and the challenge of trying to have a discussion with a salesperson.

New washing machines are very expensive. The best option - as in cheapest well-reviewed machine by Consumer's Reports is a) a Frigidaire (see bullet above for how much I love them) and b) is not cheap. $1000+ later, we are going to have a new LG machine.

My wedding present from Mr. Chili - a lovely Australian opal on a white gold chain - broke. Snapped after it got caught on something. I hope it can be fixed, but I was very sad.
My job search was pretty much non-existant for the past two weeks. I am feeling stressed over how little progress I have made towards finding gainful (paid) employment.

Should I be worried that #2, 3, 4 were all acquired around the same time? What's next? All our appliances, the dog and my marriage were all acquired/started 7.5-ish years ago. Or is that three things and we're done? I have no idea. I'm feeling slightly hysterical. And only kind of joking. I mean, I've heard of the 7 year itch, but this is getting ridiculous.

Putting it all in perspective, when I write it down, it doesn't seem that bad. For all these bad things that happened, everything else went okay. I had a lot of help from my mom & stepfather as well as my MIL. We went to a friend's house for dinner/playdate one night and one night we had another friend & kids over for dinner/playdate. I took the kids to the zoo for a member's only preview of Stringray Bay. LC was pretty stoked about touching a real live stringray. We visited my mom a couple of times. I took lots of pictures for Mr. Chili and put them on a web album so he could see what we were up to. Which was fun for me, using the camera more, taking pictures way more often than I normally would.

Not to be all cliched or anything, but Mr. Chili's absence has made me stretch and grow. I had to figure out how to put both kids to bed when I was alone. I had to figure out how to get things done. I found my groove as a single mom. I don't want to continue, thankyouverymuch, but I know that I can do it.

Random notes related to the death of a pet

2008-05-15T15:50:00.000-04:00

Book recommendations for a child who's pet has died:

"The Tenth Good Thing About Barney " by Judith Viorst

"When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death" by Laurie Krasny Brown (Author), Marc Brown (Illustrator)

"Let's Talk About When Your Pet Dies" by Marianne Johnston

The Tenth Good Thing is really good. To be honest, I sat in the library reading these books, crying. They all made me sad. I think the tears are cathartic.

The experience:

I had cuddled with Boomer before we left for the vet. I just held him and talked to him and apologized. He purred a bit, but mostly just laid in my arms, allowing me to pet him behind his ears and under his chin. I was second guessing myself all over the place, so I put him on the floor to see if he could walk - maybe he was rallying - instead, he walked right into his crate. He has never done that. I usually have to shoe-horn him in. I don't know why he walked in. I'd like to believe he knew what we were going to do and that he was ready to end his suffering. But I'm to rational to really believe that.

The vet examined him before placing the catheter in this leg that would deliver the fatal dose of anesthetic. She said she found a mass on his bladder, and theorized that the cancer that shut down his kidneys had spread. She also said his heart was beating really fast, which is typical of end-stage kidney failure. She was so compassionate and caring, reassuring me that we did everything to keep him comfortable, and that he would have suffered if we had kept him alive. It was still the hardest thing I've ever done.

She laid him down on a towel on the examining table. I held his head and talked him, telling him that he was a great cat. When I was ready (are you ever ready?) she injected the anesthetic. He started a bit at the cold of it, made this peculiar growling noise and within seconds I felt him die. He just stopped breathing and his head slowly came down onto the towel. He was so still. His eyes remained open, which was a little freaky, to be honest. At first I didn't want to touch him. It wasn't Boomer anymore, but a body. I did pet him a little longer and said my goodbyes. The vet said to take as much time as I needed to say goodbye. And I thought, get me out of here. I don't want to spend time with a dead cat. But when it came time to leave the room- to leave him behind - it was so hard.

I still can't believe how fast it happened. He really didn't suffer at the end. I tell myself that I did the merciful thing. It still feels like I was trying to play god.

LC's reaction:

After we've been home for an hour or so. Me: "Have you noticed anyone missing?"

"No." puzzled face, thinking.

"Boomer isn't here."

"Where is he?"

"He's dead, honey."

Pause. "Why?"

"He had a disease called cancer. It made him really sick. Eventually his heart stopped working."

And it went on from there. LC cried when I told him, but it sounded to me like that fake crying he does so well. No real tears behind it. After the bit of crying, he asked me if we could get a new pet. Wow. Didn't wait long there! I told him mommy and daddy needed time to be sad about Boomer, then we would talk about it.

Since then he has randomly commented that he is sad Boomer is dead. I printed off two pictures of Boomer from healthier, happier days (including the picture in this post) and asked him if he wanted to take them to school. He did. First thing he did this morning when we walked into the schoolyard was run up to two of his friends and tell them Boomer died. The two little boys he told nodded solemnly, then the three of them ran off to play. I'm relieved and glad that LC seems to be taking the news well. Although I fully expect this to play out in stages as he absorbs and adjusts.

Is it morbid of me to believe that this truly is a character building experience for LC? Dealing with the death of a pet is not fun, but it helps you know what it's like when someone you love dies. So maybe when a grandparent or aunt or uncle dies later, he'll have some of the tools for coping. I don't know. I'm really just making this up as I go along.

Bye Boomer

2008-05-14T23:33:00.004-04:00

RIP Boomer

2000-2008

Beloved pet of Chili, Mr. Chili, LC and Pepperette. Favourite chew toy of Cosmo the dog. Boomer was a funny and affectionate cat with a loud meow that bordered on a siamese yowl. He loved to sleep with Chili and Mr. Chili, although in later years like to sleep on LC's bed too. His favourite chin? Mr. Chili's. Why he liked to lick Mr. Chili's chin so much remains a mystery. Boomer enjoyed tormenting Cosmo by walking over to him when the later was napping and taking a swipe at him. Started way more fights with Cosmo that Cosmo did with him. Boomer never did figure out that Cosmo was way bigger than him and was always going to win. Boomer was incredibly tolerant of the kids. He didn't mind being mauled by kids, although he did reserve the right to bolt when he'd had enough.

Died peacefully at the vets office after a short battle with kidney cancer.

We'll miss you.

Moments of heartbreak

2008-05-14T11:14:00.005-04:00

This morning LC said, "Mommy? I wish I had a lucky pebble because if you have a lucky pebble you can make a wish."

"Uh huh," wondering what LC would wish for.

"If I had a lucky pebble I would wish Boomer better."

"Oh sweetie. That is so nice. I wish you could."

I'm taking Boomer to the vet at 2:20pm today. I cried as I booked the appointment and she walked me through the procedure. Then I went to the library to find books for kids about dying pets. A helpful librarian found a few good books, including a very good one about a girl's cat who dies. I sat there reading books and crying. I'm really worried that LC is going to be mad because he didn't get to say goodbye. He did see Boomer this morning and talked to him for a minute and petted him. But I didn't know for sure that today was Boomer's last day. And I'm a wimp.

A couple of months ago, before we knew how sick Boomer was, we were admonishing LC to be gentle with Boomer, since he had lost weight and appeared to be getting a little frail. LC cheerfully observed, "Boomer keeps getting smaller and smaller. Soon he's going to be a kitten!"

Oh honey. If only it worked that way.

I'm not God

2008-05-14T01:24:00.002-04:00

Our cat, Boomer, has been sick for a few months. It started with him losing a bit of weight, and then we realized he wasn't eating very much. A few visits to the vet and some hundreds of dollars later, we found out that Boomer is dying. Cancer likely, definitely kidney failure. We'll never know the exact cause, just that he's wasting away before our eyes. He used to weigh 12 lbs, now he weighs 5. It's shocking how frail and thin he is. He looks like a fourteen year old cat, not a 7.5 year old.

For the past month of so, we've been giving him subcutaneous fluids to help keep him hydrated, to make him more comfortable. It's been working pretty well. He starts eating a little more and drinking a little more. The vet showed me how to do the injections myself and I did for a while. But then Boomer really started to fight it, and his skin is so fragile that the needle would go right through. I gave up, feeling that I was causing more trauma than benefit and resumed having the vet give the subq fluids.

Up until the past few days, he's still had that Boomer spirit. Loving, feisty, always wanting a good cuddle. When Mr. Chili left for his overseas trip on May 3rd, and we never dreamed that the end was so near. On Sunday I cleaned out his litter box. There were but three small lumps of pee and one tiny lump of poo. From almost a week. Not good. On Monday (yesterday), Boomer was having trouble walking. He looked up at me, lost his balance and fell over. He had just one lick of wet cat food. I thought he had been eating some food daily. It turns out the asshole dog* was eating the food when I wasn't looking.** On Tuesday (today), Boomer became incontinent - he's peed tiny pees all over the house, despite the fact that I've carried him to his litter box many times.

He spends pretty much all of his time crouched down like he's uncomfortable. He doesn't curl up to sleep anymore, just hunkers down near us. He just walked into the office where I am writing this and peed on the carpet right next to me. I think this is an indicator of how miserable he is feeling. I am really struggling with the decision. People have said to me, "You'll know when the time is right." But what is happening is that I know he's suffering, that I'm tired of cleaning up accidents and worrying. And I wonder if I put him down, will it be to end his suffering or mine? How selfish am I, to euthanize a cat because I am tired of cleaning up. Then I think that he really is suffering. That he can hardly walk today, his back legs wobble and he loses his balance.

I called Mr. Chili late tonight my time, at the start of his day. I had to tell him where things are. And that I am going to call the vet on Wednesday morning to make an appointment to - what do I say? - put him down. Euthanize him. What I'm really doing is ending his life. Killing him. I was worried that Mr. Chili was going to be mad/upset at me. But he understands that Boomer is miserable and it needs to end.

I've never done this before. I know he's "only a cat". But he is my first cat. And this is very hard.

* Okay, the dog isn't an asshole. He took advantage of the conveniently placed chair, intended to help the cat, who can't jump anymore.
** I was so mad at myself for deluding myself into thinking that Boomer was eating again. Self-delusion much?

He's cute when I don't want to strangle him

2008-05-09T00:13:00.004-04:00

LC stumbles out of his bedroom after midnight.

"What is it?"

Standing there, rubbing his eyes with one hand, the other holding his penis. "I have to wash my hands."

Hmmm. "Maybe you need to go potty."

"Okay"

Mission accomplished. Back in his bedroom, I tuck him in. He asks me to rub his back and is asleep in seconds. And I am filled with love as I lean over and kiss his tousled hair. I remind myself to hold onto this moment now, for tomorrow there will undoubtedly be moments where I ~~want to strangle him~~ feel very frustrated.

Aunt Janet

2008-05-07T13:47:00.003-04:00

It's been one heckuva week, almost two, since Mr. Chili left on his overseas business trip. The kids have generally been great. I was especially worred about how LC would handle Mr. Chili's absence, but he has handled it with grace. Thank goodness.

In the meantime, it feels like everything else is falling apart. I am exaggerating, of course. But it's getting ridiculous. Details on some of the crap in a separate post. The thing that sucked most about the past week was that my Aunt Janet died. Technically she was my Great Aunt, given that she is my grandfather's baby sister. But to me she was always just Aunt Janet.

I know that dying in your sleep at age 88 is hardly tragic, but it is sad just the same. And hard on my grandfather. Now he just has one sister left. And Janet was the baby, making it harder to accept.

She was:

wife of Dick for 62 years
a mom of three
a grandmother of eight
foster mom to 33 babies
an artist
baby sister to my grandpa
my Sunday dinner companion for a few months when I lived in Michigan

I really wanted to attend the funeral. At the same time, I didn't think it was realistic for me to drive five hours each way with two kids by myself. If Mr. Chili was here, I probably would have taken just Pepperette and driven with my parents. I settled for sending a sympathy card for Uncle Dick. I can't imagine how it feels to lose your beloved spouse after 62 years of marriage.

Makes me sad. But I know she had a good, full life.

That's about right

2008-05-07T00:15:00.002-04:00

As seen at Andrea's. I always mean to do these quizzes and never do. The assessment? Pretty accurate. I would classify myself as a realist tending towards pessimism.

You Are a Realist

You don't see the glass as half empty or half full. You see what's exactly in the glass.

You never try to make a bad situation seem better than it is...

But you also never sabotage any good things you have going on.

You are brutally honest in your assessments of situations - and this always seems to help you cope.

Are You An Optimist or Pessimist?

re: Job search

2008-05-06T00:11:00.001-04:00

The interview I had two weeks ago? The one that went well? That I talked about here? I guess it didn't go as well as I thought. I didn't get the job.

On the plus side, they did not keep me hanging for ages. And the manager offered to debrief me, which is nice of him. I know it would have been just too easy if I had gotten the first job I interviewed for. But it would have been nice.

The same day as that FOAD*, I also found out I didn't even make it to the interview round for another position I applied for. Two FOADs in one day. Go me!

I really, really need to get more stuff in the pipeline. I have no active applications out there right now. I have one posting I'm going to apply for tomorrow. Other than that? Nada. I am not going to find a job if I don't freaking look for one. And I am trying. I am networking. But obviously not hard enough.

* A term from my undergrad days. FOAD as in Fuck Off And Die. As in, you didn't get the interview/job/etc. Most of us amassed a collection of these suckers during our last year.

Pepperette cuteness

2008-05-05T23:36:00.002-04:00

I have independent verification of this one. Pepperette has started nodding her head to communicate "yes". She's pretty good at telling us what she does and does not want to eat by reaching and "aaaaahing". Then a few days ago, after she indicated she wanted another oatcake, I asked her if she wanted it and she nodded. It is so cute to see her nodding yes. I thought I was projecting or imagining it the first time, but tonight my stepfather observed and agreed that yes, she is nodding her head.

Second moment of cuteness: in the bath tonight, Pepperette was grinning like a loon, splashing around and having a grand old time, per usual. Next thing I know, she's right by the drain plug, tugging on the handle. And pop, out it comes. She was pretty thrilled by the action, the water draining out didn't phase her one bit. I laughed and put the plug back in. I reached for the shampoo, look back and yank!, she's done it again. Little bugger. I put the plug back in, move her to the far end of the bath tub and watch as she makes a beeline back to the drain. Aaaargh! It was funny and frustrating at the same time. I managed to distract her and finished the bath quickly. She's getting pretty strong and pretty coordinated.

(So it's totally cute in real life. In the blog? It is pretty boring. I think that's why I don't post often. I can never get those real life moments written with any life. My prose sucks.)

feeling low

2008-05-01T12:40:00.006-04:00

Today has not been a good day. I know that I am a pessimist, a glass-half-full kind of person. And I know that I'm feeling this bad because of a convergence - no, wait - an accumulation of events. Regardless of how I got here, I am struggling today with feelings of frustration, wanting to cry, feeling sad, feeling weary and simply not having the patience to deal with my abnormally cranky daughter.

I found out yesterday that a very dear friend lost her baby. She was finally experiencing a normal pregnancy. They had seen the heartbeat. She went for a twelve week ultrasound on Monday and found out the baby was dead. I don't know whether she will have a d&c or miscarry "naturally". That is just one more painful decision for her. This is her fifth miscarriage. It is so fucking unfair. No one should have to suffer like that. I'm so sad for her.

I also found out that I did nor get the job I interviewed for last week. It was a good role for me in many ways. The interview went very well. I am disappointed. It is hard for me not to take it personally, not to feel rejected. I do. And dammit, I need to find paid employment soon. Our savings isn't going to cover us much longer.

Add to this the fact that Pepperette had a bad night, moaning, crying and nursing pretty much all night. Which means that I didn't get much sleep. Then there is the stress and denial that I am careening betwen as Mr. Chili prepares to leave on Saturday for a business trip. A two week long trip, on another continent. I will be a single mom for two weeks, including two weekends. I have no idea how I'm going to survive.

I haven't felt this down, this anxious, for a long time. I hate it. I have to get some sleep. But when I feel like this I tend to stay up even later because I don't want to face reality, preferring to lose myself in the computer or a book. I'll just catch up on one more blog. One more. And so it goes until Pepperette wakes up crying at 1 am, wanting to nurse. Only then do I go to bed. But lately I can't sleep while she is nursing. It's too painful. So I get cranky and frustrated with the epic nursing sessions.

Got to go. Pepperette is out of patience. I will be back. Blogging is going to keep me same during the next two weeks.

Who me?

2008-04-30T14:24:00.004-04:00

I have a blog? Oh yeah. *ahem*

Thanks to a friend who gave me a virtual kick in the pants, here is a brief update from the land of Pepper.

Life's been a little busy. The job hunt is going well. Meaning that:

I got a lot out of the career counselling

my resume is ready to go

I'm networking like crazy - reconnecting with former colleagues, old friends, etc.,

I've applied to a couple of things

I've had one interview and it went well

I'm cramming the job hunt into the three precious days where both kids are in school/daycare. I do the rest of the job search stuff late at night. Who knew that looking for a job takes so much time? It really does. Especially if you're seeking something rare and elusive. What is so special about my quest? I'm looking for a project management role that only requires about 30 hours/week. I was in telecom, and in telecom full-time doesn't mean 40 hours/week, it means 50-60 hours/week. And I just can't (won't) work like that with two young kids. All those cliches that I used to roll my eyes at - stuff like "they're only young once" or "you won't wish you'd worked more hours when you're older" - those cliches are true. I don't want to miss this time in my kid's lives. At the same time, I really like being a project manager and electrical engineer (PMP and P.Eng, thankyouverymuch). I need to use the professional part of my brain as well as the mom part of my brain in order to stay sane.

So finding a job isn't as quick as it should be. I am targeting the public sector (i.e. Ontario government), financial sector (banks, insurance) and smaller local companies. I'm quite willing to make a lesser wage so that I can have more time with my kids.

It's hard, swimming upstream like this. I'm trying to straddle the space between being a work-away-from-home mom and a stay-at-home mom. My SAHM friends think I'm nuts. My professional friends think that I don't care about my career anymore. But hey, I have to try to find the right job because it's the right thing for me & my family. Besides, I've always enjoyed being different. I don't like to do things the easy way.

In an effort to retain some quasi-anonymity, I'm not going to post my resume or other info here. (Plus there's the fact that no one reads this thing because I am so bad at updating!)

So there you go. The job search continues.

My inner voice

2008-03-27T22:21:00.005-04:00

I've attended a series of seminars courtesy of the career counselling program that was part of my severance package. Most of them are very job search focused:

career assessment (which included the very interesting Birkman First Look survey)
self-marketing and networking (hard to do, but very necessary for finding a job)
resume building
interviewing and negotiating strategies
becoming an entrepreneur
consulting and contracting - pros & cons

Today I attended an "enrichment" session. It was titled "Job search communication and conversation", but really, it was about how we talk to ourselves and can sabotage ourselves. Duh, right? Yes, I knew this stuff. Becoming more conscious of some of the crappy things I do to myself? Very worthwhile. I sometimes really think I could use some therapy.

Ego states

I learned about Eric Berne's theories about the ego states. That we each have within ourselves a parent, adult and child state. I would go on, but I think it is better said here and here. The first link has a great illustration of the states and how we transition from one to another. The second has a lot of info and is a bit dry. Apparently this is called "transactional analysis. It's neat stuff and gave me insight for my own head and also why I have so much trouble communicating with my 4.5 year old.

My inner critic

We all have a little voice in our heads. It warns us when something is a bad idea, it encourages us when we're scared, it tells us we're a fuck-up.... I was aware of mine, but after today's session I am much more aware of how much power I give my inner voice and how much I let it affect what I do. We talked about liberating your inner voice - not killing it, that won't happen. But engaging that voice, embracing it, talking to it. Yeah, it all sounds touch-feely and out there. I know. At the same time? I know my inner voice is brutal to me.

As an exercise, the instructor had us write about our inner voice and how it's affecting our job search. Here is what I wrote.

Q: With respect to your job search, what are the two most common messages your inner critic give you?

A1: No one will want to hire me part-time. Why should I get special treatment?

A2: I do not have any special skills or unique characteristics. I'm just an ordinary, average person. No one is going to want to hire me (for the kind of position and salary I want).

Q: How is the inner critic helpful, hurtful, frightening, etc.?

A: My inner voice is paralyzing. The panic buzzes around my brain so I can't think, can't move forward, can't respond to questions. My inner critic squelches my joy, makes me talk negatively about everything, even the things that make me happy. And this is reflected in what I say out loud - I feel like everything I say is a complaint or a whine. I don't want to be like this anymore. It is exhausting to be so negative. And part of it is caused by the perpetual exhaustion of having two young kids and looking for a job.

Q: What kinds of messages could you give yourself that are honest and supportive?

A: Look at my skills objectively. I can acknowledge and place value on the things that I have done. I must interrupt my inner voice before she finishes the "but". Get her to rephrase - I will, I can, I love.

Q: Anything else?

A: I want to start - really try - to be more positive. I need to coach my inner voice to stop being so negative, teach it instead to be my cheerleader.

~~~

I know that's all mega-touch feely. But man, there is truth there. My inner voice is killing my joy. I don't want to be down and negative all the time. And believe me, it's my normal state. I can do better. I'm going to try.

(I feel perilously close to sounding like Stuary Smalley, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." *snort*)

I'm learning about myself. It's painful sometimes, enlightening, and I hope it will help me find a job that is closer to my values. I guess I should be thankful for being laid off. I doubt I ever would have found the time to sort through this stuff if I hadn't been forced into it.

Happy 2nd bloggiversary!

2008-03-27T22:17:00.004-04:00

Yep, that's right. Two years of lame posts, with huge gaps of time in between. Something to be proud of. Not really. But this blog is mine, and I put what I can into it. I want to do more - if only there was a way to post directly from my brain. On second thought, that might be a little scary.

Happy 2nd bloggiversary, self.

Transition

2008-03-23T11:33:00.008-04:00

Apologies for dropping off the face of the earth. We've been busy around here. Pepperette turned one, March break happened and my maternity leave ended. Last week Pepperette started her gradual introduction to Montessori/daycare. She did very well. I found it really hard. It broke my heart to hand her over to the teacher and walk away as Pepperette reached for me, crying. I found out when I returned a few hours later to get her that she stopped crying as soon as I was out of sight. So really, she did very well.

Also this week, I officially started my job search. I've attended about three half day seminars so far. I'm getting a lot out of them, certainly I feel more energized and optimistic that I will be able to find something part-time. I'm worried about finding something good enough in the limited time frame I have (of course, the list of things I worry about is long and varied). I don't get that many weeks of EI. I hope I can find something on my terms before I run out of money. I feel very strongly that I have to take the time to really look, to really try to make this career change, this lifestyle change. If I don't do it now, I fear I will end up stressed and miserable, feeling like I never see my kids and husband.

In other news, bad news has been hitting us on multiple fronts. Listed in random order - goodness knows the trouble I would get in if I ranked my stepmother over my cat.

I'm (trying to) keep it all in perspective - the kids, Mr. Chili and I still have a roof over our heads and reasonable health. But.... Our beloved family cat, Boomer, is dying. He is wasting away. Many vet visits and large bills later, we have eliminated the benign, treatable causes and are left with terminal illnesses like cancer. He is only 7 years old. The vet was shocked at his appearance. Not only is he down to a mere 7.5 lbs from a healthy 12 lbs, but he looks aged, more like a 14 or 15 year old cat. His spirits are good and he doesn't seem to be suffering. No vomiting or diarrhea or litter box accidents. He isn't eating or drinking much though, so to keep him more comfortable, I am giving him fluids subcutaneously. Since we don't know what us killing him we have no idea how long he will live. He's an awesome cat, so loving, such a great personality, so great with the kids. I'm so sad about this. I'm also worried about LC and how he will handle this. We're making it up as we go, hoping that everyone comes through it okay.

Car troubles. Mr. Chili was in a car accident with our older but paid for and runs really well car about a month ago. Some knob, not paying attention ran into the passenger rear side of the car. Fortunately he wasn't hurt, nor were the kids in the car. But oh the hassle. The insurance company ended up writing off the car. Did I mention I'm unemployed? Not a good time to take on a car payment. So we were able to take a reduced settlement from the insurance company and get it fixed. Took ages to settle and get the car fixed, which sucked because we are most definitely suburbanites who are reliant on having two cars. All's well that ends well.

In far bigger, badder news, my dad called on Friday to tell us that my stepmom has breast cancer. It is pretty bad, but doesn't appear to have spread to the lymph nodes. I am not very close to my stepmom (very, very long story), but she and my dad are very much in love and my dad has some major health issues of his own. We don't know the treatment plan yet - probably surgery by next Friday, then who knows - radiation? Chemo? I'm worried that she will die and my dad won't be able to stand it, that it will break him. I'm worried about the toll that supporting her will take on his health. They live an hour away and I just hope that I will be able to find good ways to support them. I do care about my stepmom, I do. I want her to fight this and win.

Finally, I have a dear friend who is in a very bad, very messy personal situation. It is so beyond anything you can imagine that if I told you the details you'd say I was making that shit up. I have been doing my best to support her, to be her rock. It is really hard because I worry about her, about my safety, her kids. I've been involved for this for two years. And the truth is that it keeps getting worse and worse. It is killing her in the most literal sense. I feel helpless a lot of the time. I know I can't rescue her, only she can. But that doesn't make it any easier to watch.

Got to post this now, while I have a minute. Pepperette is almost done nursing.

Maple Syrup!

2008-03-11T04:12:00.001-04:00

Perhaps LC's favourite condiment. I'll have to ask him which is better - maple syrup or ketchup. He consumes both on a near daily basis. In terms of volume, I believe maple syrup wins. And we're talking the real stuff. Frankly, I see no point in the high fructose corn syrup crap.

In celebration of LC's love of maple syrup and the first day of March break and the fact that the sap is starting to run - which means that spring might actually be coming...some day.... we headed up to the Purple Woods Conservation Area north of Oshawa for the Maple Syrup Festival. It was a gorgeous day: sunny, a not-too-cold -3 degC, with lots of snow. (Left from the latest snow storm that buried us on Saturday.)

We trekked through the woods with Pepperette on my back in our backpack carrier. I'm obviously not up on the latest techniques in sap gathering, because I was surprised at the network of tubing that ran from one tree to the next, all leading downhill towards the sugar shack.

Mr. Chili and LC enjoyed meal of pancakes and sausages. Then we toured the sugar shack. Not much of a tour - small space, with a pleasant and knowledgeable tour guide but with no sap being gathered yet, not much to see. Then we went on a short wagon ride. And bought some maple syrup treats too. All told - $7 for family admission, $6 for the family wagon ride, $9.50 for the pancake, sausage, hot chocolate and $9 on maple syrup suckers and maple butter. Not a cheap outing, but fun and a pleasant way to spend an afternoon.

On our way home, we happened to drive by the White Feather country store. A good friend always used to bring us treats from White Feather. They make the most divine, amazing Chocolate Silk Truffle bars. To die for. Really. I didn't have a clue where the bakery/store was - turns out it is north of Oshawa. We stopped by and I bought some treats for the boys - pumpkin pie, raisin butter tarts and m&m cookies. It was hard not to buy more. And not to buy anything for myself. Damn thrush.

I recommend the maple syrup festival and White Feather as a good half-day outing.

House of Plague, title relinquished

2008-02-28T21:53:00.004-05:00

I am very happy to report that we are all healthy. (Why do I feel a sense of doom?)

Hah. I wrote that on Feb 28. We have been healthy, for the most part, since then. And busy. And I have a lot on my mind about the end of my maternity leave, Pepperette's first birthday, looking for a job, LC's skating lesson fiasco, Pepperette's surprising egg allergy, continued thrush misery, etc.

I'll be back with more on all that later. I just wanted to let (no one) know that we are healthy and have survived the first day of March break.

House of plague, part II

2008-02-20T01:28:00.014-05:00

I referred to our humble abode as the "House of Plague" in a recent post as a JOKE. I thought that LC having scarlet fever and strep throat, and Pepperette having a nasty cold that took both kids out for two weeks was enough. I was not looking for more pestillence to befall us. (Oh I love being dramatic - it is so much fun.) Let's recap the past few days, shall we?

Wednesday:

Mr. Chili comes home feeling sick. He has an upset stomach, aches, fever, chills. He promptly isolates himself in a bid to save the rest of us from exposure. I fervetently hope that he ate something bad and that he is not contagious.

Thursday:

Mr. Chili takes a sick day. For the first time since 2004. The man just does not get sick. I am alternately worried and frustrated by the fact that he spends all day in bed, sleeping. Hey, I didn't say that I'm a nice person. I watch everyone else, no symptoms. Whew.

Friday:

Mr. Chili heads to work, even though he still feels like crap. This is because LC doesn't go to school on Fridays and frankly, work is more restful. The kids and I have a good day. No one else is sick. Dare I hope that we're out of the woods?

Saturday:

A typical day. I go for a run, we go grocery shopping, we have dinner/playdate with friends. At 10:30pm, Pepperette sits up in bed and starts projectile vomiting. She has never done this before. LC didn't throw up for the first time until he was two-ish. Mr. Chili and I are amazed at how much her stomach holds. Poor Pepperette vomits about ten times through the night. We are stuck in an endless hell of gurgling stomach, vomit, clean up, lie down until the next time. Pepperette is so tired that she is passing out in my arms immediately after vomiting. The only good thing in all this is that LC sleeps through it all.

Sunday:

Mr. Chili and I are exhausted. We hang around the house all day. Pepperette vomits a few more times. I keep nursing her as often as she wants. I am so grateful in all of this to be breastfeeding - I can't imagine how much sicker she would be. We limp through the day by letting LC watch obscene amounts of TV.

Monday:

A brand new provincial holiday "Family Day" created by the premier to get more votes. The problem with this holiday? Only about 40% of people in the province actually get the day of, but all daycares, schools, libraries, stores are closed. Genius, I tell ya. So I've got both kids and one of them is still really sick. Pepperette has stopped vomiting, but now has a fever and diarrhea. Another day where the TV was on constantly. Mr. Chili tries to come home early, but gets stuck at the office. He's still feeling crappy, and I am fighting it too. Pepperette is whiney and clingy all day. My smiley baby is nowhere to be found.

Tuesday:

LC heads to school, Mr. Chili to work. Pepperette's fever is lower, but she is still having awful diarrhea. It is awful. I can barely keep up with the laundry. At least Pepperette is starting to smile again. LC comes home from school complaining of a sore stomach. He refuses all snacks and dinner. He just lays on the couch. This is not normal. I was supposed to attend a meeting at 7pm, but between the sick kiddies and my excessive queasiness, I decide to stay home. We all go to bed early. Pepperette has a reasonably good sleep. LC wakes up at 11pm and vomits. He tried to make it to the bathroom in time. It was close, but not close enough. More Lysol wipes, more laundry, more cleaning up. Fortunately Pepperette sleeps through the excitement. Another long night, filled with false (puke) alarms, a restless Pepperette and a feverish, achy momma.

Wednesday:

It's been a week since the sickness started. I'm sick, Pepperette's fever is gone but her diarrhea persists, LC has only thrown up once - maybe he will only have a mild version of this bug, Mr. Chili is feeling achy again but went to work since it is more restful than being at home with two sick kids.

Sometimes it really sucks to be the mom. No sick days. Can't lie down and rest because there is always someone calling for you. I hardly slept last night because of the aches and chills. And did I mention how much fun it is to nurse the baby while you have diarrhea? Fun times.

Heavy on my mind

2008-02-13T07:21:00.008-05:00

I've got a lot on my mind right now. Some of these are worthy of an entire post.

And some (all?) clearly are not worthy of a post at all. What I'm struggling with is that my whines are minor. I lead a relatively privileged middle class existence. Yeah, I've had some sucky stuff happen but putting it in perspective, I still have a loving spouse and two health kids. What I really need is to get myself over to Wednesday Whining - it's the perfect place for my whines. Too bad I keep forgetting until, oh, Thursday.

Since I am constrained by time, as ever, I'll just throw down some bullets.

LC had a really bad evening last night. Pickup from Montessori was a typical nightmare - as soon as Mr. Chili showed up, LC started running around, grabbing fruit from the snack bowl, acting manic. He proceeding to not listen, meltdown and ocassionally get violent. I wish I could convey how truly frustrating/exasperating and just plain awful his behaviour is, but I'm too exhausted and demoralized to write it all down. Why did I think four was a good age? I try really, really hard not to let my mind wander into the "how badly am I fucking this parenting gig up?" territory, but it's hard.

Job stress. Or should I say unemployment stress. I am in denial about job hunting. I know that it is going to be really hard to find a good job in my industry that will let me work part-time. I have no good ideas about how to start my search. I have all these vague hopes pinned on the outplacement company that I'm starting with in early March. I keep hoping that someone is going to drop the perfect job in my lap. It just doesn't work that way. I know. I need to get real and serious and start looking. But it's hard and I fight myself. I keep squishing down the stress and then it bubbles up and I get all snippy and take it out on the people I love.

Birthday whine. My birthday was over a month ago. My mom & stepfather were away somewhere warm. They didn't call to wish me a happy birthday. Nor did my only sibling. I know it's petty, but I wish my mom had at least said something when they got home.

Thrush whine. I am so sick of of these freaking flareups. Every time I think the thrush is under control, I get 2-4 days pain-free and then it's back. I'm tired of the pain, of the awful diaper rash that flares up on Pepperette, of not being able to eat anything. I feel so defective. I don't know how much longer I can keep going.

Materialistic whine. Mr. Chili is awesome. And I am an ungrateful bitch for saying this, but damn I am disappointed about the complete lack of card and/or presents for both our wedding anniversary and Valentine's Day. And then there was something Mr. Chili talked about buying for me for my birthday and to commemorate the birth of Pepperette that he now says I should just go ahead and get myself. And I can. But way to kill the romance. It's just not the same.

Car whine. Mr. Chili was in a car accident last week. He's okay, he was a little stiff and sore for a few days. The bad news is that the insurance company is probably going to write off the car. This really bites. I am unemployed, just finishing a year of maternity leave. We are not in a good financial position to buy a car. The car is paid for, is about seven years old and runs well. But on paper it is not worth much. To the insurance co. it isn't worth fixing. But the amount they're likely to offer isn't going to be enough to buy another car. This is just not a good time. Oh and we will become a one-car family while we wait. Mr. Chili works a fair distance from home. And his work is tough to access with public transit. He has to have the car. Which means I will have to drop LC at Montessori, drive Mr. Chili to work, arriving home aboutan hour later. Lather, rinse, repeat at the end of the day. Oh what fun!

Okay. Even I am sick of my whining. Must get some sleep, hope the thrush subsides a bit tomorrow so I can feel a little more positive and be a better mom and a little easier to live with.

Lessons in compassion?

2008-02-06T14:18:00.000-05:00

We were in a fast food restaurant eating lunch over the weekend when I bit the inside of my cheek. Hard. I yelped and held my hand to my cheek.

LC: Mommy! Are you okay?

Me: (touched by the question. Wondering if LC is finally developing a sense of compassion.) Yes, I'm okay.

LC: Good. Now I can laugh. (And he lets out a raucous laugh.)

Mr. Chili choked on his drink and had to turn his head because he was laughing so hard. I'll admit that my lips were twitching too. Clever bugger.

Strawberries!

2008-02-02T11:35:00.000-05:00

It's been a pretty exciting week on the thrush front. I am virtually pain-free. And I have tried some new foods! It's sad how excited I was to eat one third of an Asian pear on Wednesday. Pepperette had some too. Yesterday, I ate chopped strawberries mixed with Balkan style high-fat unsweetened yogurt. It was the first strawberry I've had in six months. Mr. Chili said I had the hugest smile on my face while I was eating it. Sad, but true. I have hope that I'll be able to expand my diet. I can't see being able to eat sugar or anything fermented, but maybe I'll be able add more fruit and thus more variety into my diet.

In other news, this week a good friend invited me to attend a taping of a daytime talk show. We were both able to arrange childcare, so off we went. We took the commuter train from our suburb to downtown Toronto. We were in the (very small) studio audience for "The Steve and Chris Show" on CBC. It was a hoot. My inner geek was quite impressed with the mechanics of getting a show together. It takes a lot of people to get a show on the air. The set is really nice, as were all the people we met. As an added treat, they put makeup on all the audience members. Apparently in earlier shows they noticed the aufience looked really washed out. So they started putting makeup on everyone. I never wear makeup, so this was like a little bit of pampering. The show itself was fun, and I'm looking forward to watching it.

Whew! This has taken me three days to write. Sad but true. Things are better and the same 'round here. A brief "House of Plague" update: LC is better, Pepperette still has a crusty nose, I am still having aches and a sinus headache. Mr. Chili seems to be avoiding our germs so far. He does however have a honking big cold sore. Yum.

Happy Groundhog Day!

2008-02-02T08:42:00.000-05:00

I mean - Happy Anniversary Mr. Chili. Six years ago today we were preparing to walk down the aisle. You were off with you best man and best friend having breakfast and just hanging out. I was in the hotel room with my sister and best friend getting my hair and makeup done. In a couple of hours we met in the hotel lobby for some pictures, then some more pics taken at the Allen Gardens greenhouse. Then it was off to the awesome restaurant where we got married and had our reception. The ceremony was perfect. We were so fortunate that everyone who was important to us was there. I can still remember my face being sore the next day from smiling so damned much. We truly had an amazing wedding day. I love you. More than I did six years ago. Thanks for giving me the best years of my life - so far. I firmly believe that life is only going to get better.

Love you.

How warped is my body image?

2008-01-29T09:43:00.000-05:00

Seriously warped.

In addition to helping control the thrush, these dietary restrictions have another great side effect: weight loss. I have lost all my prw-baby weight and then some. I weigh less than I've weighed in five years. It's not all diet related, I've also been running three times a week and have gone as far as 10km. I'm wearing a size six in pants - I don't think I've ever worn a six before. I really like my new body. It feels good to be fit and healthy and still be able to nourish Pepperette.

So with all of this good news, how is it that I still feel fat sometimes??? For maybe two weeks after my weight stabilized, I could really see how my arms were smaller, I have a waist again and my legs look leaner. Obviously I'm wearing a smaller clothing size too. And yet yesterday, when I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I automatically started to catalogue my flaws - thighs too fat, boobs still huge, etc. I've lost 33 pounds. I can't believe that I'm so conditioned to believe that I'm fat that I slide right back into beating myself up. Have I been so programmed by society? By the patriarchy? It's pathetic.

(This is going to sound annoying, but it is true. I've not been trying to lose weight. The anti-candida diet means that I can't eat crap - no processed stuff, no sugar, no alcohol, no bread. It is pretty ineveitable that you lose weight if you cut all the crap out of your diet. I will confess that although weight loss was not the goal, I'm vain enough to be very happy about being thinner.)

House of plague

2008-01-28T20:49:00.000-05:00

I am seriously going to rename our humble abode "the house of plague". After packing LC off to school this morning with a song in my heart and a skip in my step, I was shocked when the doctor's office called to tell me that the throat swab they took last week for LC? The one that was a formality? That the doctor asked me if I really wanted it? Yeah, that one. It came back positive for strep. I felt awful that we sent him to school while he was infectious, but honestly, he seemed fine. Back to normal. I had to pick him up from school immediately, begged Mr. Chili to come home and watch LC so I could take Pepperette and myself to the doctors to check if we had strep and pickup LC's prescription.

LC was quite happy to be picked up from school early. He said he felt fine. It was tempting to skip the antibiotics, but I didn't want him to get sick again. And there is the whole 'can't go back to school until he's been on antibiotics for 24 hours'. Oh - and when I described to the doctor LC's fever, full body rash and positive strep test, he commented that LC likely had scarlet fever. WTF? Isn't scarlet fever a big deal? As in you can die from it? Obviously you can get a mild case.

LC will be home again on Tuesday. And I can't take him out to a playgym to burn off that energy while he's contagious. Wish me luck. I am distinctly cranky about a second week of disruption of my precious time without LC so I can get things done. At least the doctor didn't think I have strep. I really hope not. The thought of taking antibiotics terrifies me. If I get a thrush flareup from something as small as eating a bit of avacado, I can only imagine how severe the thrush would be if I took antibiotics. Having had thrush before, I'm pretty sure this is just a cold.

A programming note: I love my iPod touch, and its the only reason I'm managing to post at all. However, I don't have full editing and it's hard to view the entire post, so it is really tough to maintain any continuity of narrative. My apologies to the zero readers of this blog. Ah well. It feels good to get some of these thoughts out of my head.

A great movie

2008-01-28T08:04:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the incomplete post. I was interupted by small children and had to post, lest I lose the entire thing.

Last night, after both kids were asleep, I sat down and watched a movie. I'm coming down with a cold, complete with body aches and a sinus headache. Staying up til midnight was not a smart thing to do. But I had heard so many good things about this movie that I finally rented it on Sat night. It was totally worth staying up for.

"Once" is a lovely film. It has so many elements that resonate with me - it's set in Ireland, features lots of gorgeous acoustic guitar-driven music, and feels very real. I tried to get Mr. Chili to watch it with me, but as soon as the word "musical" passed my lips, his eyes glazed and he said he was going to bed.

This is not a typical musical. There's no 'spontaneous' breaking into song. Instead it's about a guy and a girl who sing together. It's a simple little story. The music is so good that I really want to buy the soundtrack. I played the french horn for many years, with a number of groups, some semi-professional. One of the groups I played made a couple of recordings so I could totally relate to the recording process as shown in the movie. The thing that the movie really nailed was the pure joy and sense of connection that you get when you're playing. It's hard to describe the transcendent joy that happens when you're completely in synch with someone.

I'm going to cut this off now before I ramble on further. Blame it on the cold.

That's better

2008-01-27T09:13:00.001-05:00

Wow. Is there anything that a good night's sleep can't fix? Pepperette and LC had the best night of sleep they've had in ages. I feel human this morning and in a good mood. Knowing myself though, I wonder how long it will last...

I was suposed to attend a yoga class this morning - by myself. For the first time since Pepperette was born. But I deliberately didn't set an alarm, and the kids actually slept in, so not enough time to nurse Pepperette and get there. I'm bummed, but so glad to have gotten a good night's sleep.

We had a pretty good day yesterday. LC did okay at hisf irst dentist appt. Unfortunately we had to wait so long in the waiting room that we used up most of LC's good will. He actually laid down in the chair and let her count his teeth, but when it came time to polish/clean his teeth and have his teeth checked by the hygenist, he was having none of it. We decided to end the appt when it became obvious that LC was losing it. Kicking, whining, saying no. He wasn't going to calm down, and there was no point in traumatizing him.

After the dentist, we headed to one of the large suburban malls for lunch and errands. We were pretty productive. With the dietary restrictions P and I have, there is very little that I can eat. So the boys had sushi (sigh), P and I had New York Fries. These are the only fast food fries that I can have. There is no crap in them - only potaoes cooked in oil. All other fries that I've looked at: Wendys, McDonalds, Burger King - they all have freaking dextrose. Why the fuck do you need to add salt and sugar to French fries???

After lunch, we asked LC if he wanted to try playing in the kids play area. We've never tried it before. It's an on-site daycare where you can drop off your kid for one or two hours. They have to be 18 months to 12 years. And it costs $6/he. Shopping with my hands free? Priceless. (Mr. Chili was holding Pepperette.) Spent my gymbucks on a very cute bathing suit for Pepperette and a casual dress. Found a couple of cheap pairs of pants for myself too. We were all tired after this (I squeezed in a 7.6km run in the morning), so we headed home. LC said he had a good time at the play centre.

A quiet night at home, baths for the kids, and an escape for me. Even though I was bone weary, I headed to a local coffee place for a cup of tea and some alone time. It was most excellent. Mr. Chili had a good night too, blowing stuff up on his xbox 360 while listening for the kids on the baby monitor.

Yeah, it was a pretty good day. On tap for today: showering (yes, I have to schedule that), groceries, vacuuming, trying to stay sane. Normal stuff.

Pepperette is finished nursing and getting into everything. I'd better go.

And the fun continues

2008-01-26T07:37:00.001-05:00

Or should I say the snot continues.

Thursday started off well. Ok, not great, Pepperette had a fever and cough, but at least LC was well enough to go to school. Again, I got smacked down. A mere one hour after being dropped off, the school called. LC had a terrible rash on his face and could I come get him. Note that he had rash on his chest and back that morning, but nothing on his face. And tyically, viral rashes appear after the fever and the person is no longer contagious. I know this from Dr. Google.

I had to wake Pepperette, who had only been asleep for half an hour, poor thing. Then I called the doctor's office and asked if they could see LC after Pepperette. I was pretty confident that LC was fine, but since I was already taking P in, and was going to have to drag LC along, what the heck. I also called my Mom and begged her to come over. She agreed, said she would come soon. And showed up three hours later. Now I know I'm being an ingrate here, but she was so late that I almost had to get Mr. Chili to come home from work.

Trying to shorten the story... Dr appt went well. My mom helped wrangle the kids. Pepperette is still small, but consistently so. When she's healthy, bring her back for her shot. LC's rash is viral, although she did take a throat swab just to check. So good news. No one was very ill. After the appt we went to the little cafe nearby, so I could nurse Pepperette and LC could have a snack. Good thing my Mom was there, because as I was packing up, LC took off. God, my kid posses me off so much sometimes. My Mom got him while I put Pepperette back in her car seat.

Once home, the afternoon was pretty uneventful. Way too much tv for LC, cranky Pepperette, cranky me, my mom trying to be helpful. I was so glad when Mr. Chili came home early.

Friday was moreoif the same. LC was feeling fine, as evidenced by his full-on attitude. I wanted to take the kids to some sort of play-gym, but was afraid we would be rejected when they saw LC's face. So we stayed home. Pepperette wasn't napping and she has this nasty diaper rash that just isn't getting better. LC was driving me around the bend. Again, Mr. Chili came home early.

So how much do I suck as a mom that I can't handle two sick kids for three days? I am so dependent on LC going to Montessori. It's pathetic.

It's the weekend now. Mr. Chili is around full-time. I finally get to go for a run. Sans kids. LC has his first dentist appt. Man, I hope he does okay. We've tried to prep him.

Gotta go. Been typing this on my Touch while Pepperette has a marathon nursing session. And both of them need to end.

New day, same snot

2008-01-24T08:45:00.001-05:00

LC stayed home from school yesterday. My Mom came over which made the
day easier. I'm grateful that my Mom is retired and willing to help
sometimes. LC was sick enough to be subdued, but not enough to be
totally miserable. I thought that Pepperette was going to get off
lightly - just a runny nose and a bit of crankiness. I was even a bit
smug, that the amazing powers of breastfeeding had saved her

Oh I hate being smacked down. You think I'd learn.

Pepperette had a terrible sleep. She wouldn't go down, when she did go
to sleep at 10:00pm, she was restless and moaning. Then she woke up at
5:30am. I nursed her for a while and she was wide awake. Ugh. Mr.
Chili to the rescue, he took her downstairs so I could get just a bit
more sleep. When I came down, Mr. Chili was holding a very fussy baby,
who has not only a cough, but a fever.

And I can't give her any relief. Both tylenol and motrin have corn
syrup and/or sucrose. Last time I gave her some Tylenol, after an
immunization, we had a bad thrush flareup. Yes, that's right, one
lousy ml of Tylenol and we're in agony for days. So unless her fever
gets really high, I'm not going to medicate.

Ironically, she has a dr appt for a weight check and immunization. I
guess we'll go, but have to do the shot later.

I'm going to call the pharmacy that does compunding and see if there
is a no sugar/no sweetener form of Tylenol or motrin.

Man, I need to get some sleep. Maybe then I might have something
interesting to say. Or would at least whine less.

Thrush report: better today. The only quash-new thing in Pepperette
and my diet is avacado, which she loves, and I've been eating too many
Tera chips. So no more of either of those. I find it hard to believe
that the avacado could cause a reaction, but this thrush thing is so
fucked up.

I've nursed Pepperette into a stupor, so I'm going to try and transfer
her so I can eat my breakfast.

A fun night in the Chili household

2008-01-23T07:17:00.001-05:00

Or not. It's 6:45am, I'm sitting here nursing Pepperette. It's not that early, unless you've been up many times in the night. Pepperette had a hard time falling asleep last night, didn't go down until oh, 11:00pm. And LC, who has had a scratchy voice and minor cough for a couple of days developed a fever last night. We knew something was up because he was strangely cooperative at dinner (didn't try to leave the table while eating, didn't bother Pepperette, actually listened), complained of being cold, and then decided to lay on the couch after dinner. He was then asleep by 7:45pm - early. He was also restless and got up three or four times. Fortunately for me, Mr. Chili took LC so I could handle Peperette. So here I sit, exhausted, knowing that LC won't be going to Montessori today. There go my plans for the day. Sucks.

And yes, I would like some cheese with my whine. Wow, is this a whiney post. Sorry 'bout that.

I just really hope it is a virus that LC has - regardless, I'll have to get a urine sample. This is the first fever he's had since stopping the prophylactic antibiotics in Dec. Let's hope it's not a bladder infection. Because that would be a very bad thing.

While I'm whining, I'll also mention that my nips are very sore. Which means a thrush flareup. And I have no idea why. I am so tired of the pain. Even though it is sooo much better, I still get flareup. And I'm tired of it. But short of stopping breastfeeding, there's really nothing else to do except live with it, continue the diet, take all the pills. And feel defective for having the most persistent case of thrush ever.

I'll try to be in a better mood next time I post.

Brief update, written on my new toy

2008-01-22T06:58:00.001-05:00

Not the most exciting post title. Creativity escapes me at 6:30 in the morning. I am attempting to not only write this entry on my new Ipod touch (a very surprising pressie from Mr. Chili, who was tired of hearing me grouse about the limitations of my Palm LifeDrive. A device that was great but also spontaneously rebooted at least once a day.) but also to do out via mobile blogging.

Le's see...what's new.
- Pepperette is under the weather with a cold. Beyond that she is doing very well. She is crawling up a storm, going faster and faster every day, and growls (really) with delight as she does so. She is also pulling herself to her knees, but not yet to a full stand. My baby is growing too fast, something that seems to be a phenomenon reserved for second babies. She is 10.5 months. Which means only six weeks left of my maternity leave.

- Which means I have to start looking for a job. Not just any job, but one that allows for flexible hours and is, ideally, part-time. Not an easy thing to find in my industry. I have to remind myself that I don't have to rush into a job. I have time. And that it's worth the financial sacrifice and career derailment to have more time with my family. The old cliche is true: they're only young once.

- The thrush is still pretty much gone, provided that I adhere strictly to the diet. Which I do. Because I am tired of pain.

- LC is doing well. Constantly surprising us with his comments and questions. Exhausting us with his tantrums.

- Mr. Chili is doing well too. He is very happy that I have started to find my libido. He was around a lot over Christmas and New Years, and if was lovely.

More to say, but very scared I'm going to lose this. Later!

Three days down, two to go

2007-11-29T02:28:00.000-05:00

Mr. Chili is away on a week-long business trip. No biggie for most. But daunting for me: it's the first time he's been away (overnight) since Pepperette was born. I have not managed both kids all on my own for a full week. And LC is very, very attached to daddy these days. Are you sensing fun times ahead? Yeah.

Monday.
We spent most of last week preparing LC for daddy's big trip. Just talking about it, where he was going, that he would call every night, etc. And Monday, when Mr. Chili left, LC was sad for a moment, but moved on pretty quickly. We had an exceptional day on Monday. LC listened, Pepperette was getting over her miserable cold and I was really proud of all of us at the end of the day. I'd score Monday a 9/10.

Tuesday.
Not as good. I asked my parents to help since Tuesday is skating lesson night. My stepfather came, which was really great of him. LC was a little rangy, since the kids didn't go outside due to bad weather that day. No exercise = hyper LC. I managed to get everyone fed, get to skating and not kill anyone. I was so frustrated with LC at a few points. He just wouldn't listen, was running around. And the more he acts up, the more frustrated I get. So instead of maybe stopping for a moment, I keep pushing to try and get us out the door. We ended up being 15 minutes late for a 30 minute lesson. Piss me off. He was calmer after the lesson, though. After we got home, it was pyjamas, snack, stories, bed. All in all, I'd give Tuesday a 6/10.

Wednesday.
(Sensing a trend yet?) Despite getting lots of exercise at school, LC was running around and not listening at casa pickup. Finally get him home, make dinner while my mom watches the kids. Eat dinner. LC is a borderline melting down over small things. Keep the evening moving. Play for a bit after dinner, get both kids in the bath. A few dodgy moments around the bath, but we pull out of it and we're doing okay. Then LC wants a snack before bed. Okay. My mom takes him down. Then I come down with Pepperette and LC is pretty much demanding a full breakfast. Uh, no. I offer a compromise. The melting down begins. It deteriorated into a full tantrum. There ended up being no snack, and only one story at bedtime. There was some hitting, punching, kicking, although much less than in the past. The tantrum took 40+ minutes. By the time he fell asleep, it was almost 9:00pm. That is way past his bedtime, especially when he's already overtired.

I am predicting (and it's probably a self-fulfilling prophecy) that LC will sleep in, be pissy, and be a bear to get out the door to school. I'm going to score today a 3/10.

I am not looking forward to Thursday and Friday.

~~~
I am such a whiner. I know it. My son is in Montessori school 4 days a week. And I am not completely alone this week - I got help from my parents. I needed it. Part of the reason I didn't develop PPD this time around is that I am actually asking for help when I need it. Screw my pride, let's be practical. *sigh* Defensive much? Sorry. I'm really tired.

I cut it all off

2007-11-20T20:00:00.000-05:00

I finally got my hair cut. Okay, I was exaggerating. I did not cut it all off. Just a lot of it. It feels so good! I've had long hair since Mr. Chili and I got married in 2002. I hadn't had it cut since February - nine long months ago. It was more than halfway down my back, which in my world, is extremely long.

Now Mr. Chili loves long hair. He loves my hair long. He campaigned long and hard against a dramatic haircut. Even LC got in on the act, protesting.

I decided that if I was going to go the effort of getting it cut, I would really cut it. And do it for a cause too. So I donated my ponytail to the Beautiful Lengths program, which makes wigs for cancer patients from donated hair.

On Saturday, my hair dresser cut about 10 inches of hair. He gave me a stylish new 'do, and I love it. Change is good! Even Mr. Chili and LC like it. Although LC did exclaim, upon seeing me for the first time,
LC: "Mommy, I didn't remember you!"
Me: "Uh, LC, did you mean you don't 'recognize' me?"
LC: "Oh yeah."

Today I mailed the hair to the program. It's a small thing, but it feels good.

LC cuteness

2007-11-19T02:05:00.000-05:00

LC has always had surprisingly clear speech for his age. He didn't have many cute made-up or modified words as a toddler. And those he did have, I've forgotten. Dammit. I started blogging so that I could record some of these cute moments, but by the time I get to the computer, I've forgotten.

I do remember that LC used to call strawberries "guppies". It was so damn cute.

He also used to say, "What doing?" instead of "What are you doing?". It was teh cute.

There is only one cute phrase that persists despite all of our efforts to correct: when something is toxic or bad for you, LC refers to it as "hoisonous". It just cracks Mr. Chili and I up. Ya know, poisonous and hoisonous are very close. And you really do have to watch out for that toxic hoisin sauce...

Dealing with Thrush - Conclusions and Resources

2007-11-19T01:46:00.000-05:00

This is part 3. Also see part 1 and part 2.

Is the thrush gone?
In a word: no.

It is much better. 9 weeks on this diet with all the other stuff, and it is under control. I still have pain when Pepperette nurses but it is manageable. Sometimes the thrush flares up again, and it takes up to a week to settle down. The latest flareup was because I dared to have cheese in my omlette for dinner. I am so frustrated and so tired of being in pain. I can't complain about it to Mr. Chili because he is fed up too. He doesn't think breastfeeding is worth this much suffering. Which breaks my heart to hear him say. Because I need his support. And I can't stop breastfeeding. I nursed LC (with lots of problems) for 2.5 years. I have to give the same to Pepperette. Giving up would cause me no end of mental anguish.

This diet, this regimen, is tough to maintain. Thanksgiving and Halloween and every single day there is food tempting me. I resist because I remind myself that it's not worth the pain. If I eat that piece of cheese or popcorn, I will pay for it for days. And that keeps me going. I am struggling though. I miss my favourite foods. I am sad about the things I can't eat. I get depressed when I realize that I will likely have to live on this diet for as long as Pepperette is nursing. I can't eat out unless I can custom order my food, and I've learned the hard way that gets screwed up too.

/update on 18-Nov-2007:
I have had the best three days (with respect to thrush) since Peperette was born. Virtually pain-free. Hallelujah, praise the deity of your choice! My nips do get sore by the end of the day, but pretty minor, compared to the past.

What is different?
1) time - I've been on this anti-candida diet for 10 weeks now.
2) eliminating sugar from Peperette's diet. She started to develop thrush symptoms again (red butt, cranky) and I couldn't figure out why, since I've been super-vigilant about my food for over a week now.

The key for us is to be very strict about what both of us eat and to keep up with the supplements. I must remind myself to celebrate this. To stop whining about what I can't eat. Focus instead on the fact that I am healthy and still nursing my baby.
/end update

Good resources:
Dr. Newman's* handouts about thrush (candida). Candida, Gentian Violet, fluconazole.
Kellymom.
*If you don't know who Dr. Jack Newman is, you should find out. He's a world-renowned expert on breastfeeding who runs a breastfeeding clinic in the Toronto area. He doesn't know everything (who does?) but he knows a hell of a lot. His website is here.

Struggling

2007-11-15T03:12:00.000-05:00

So I've been struggling with the thrush and diet thing. A lot. I'm doing okay, but it is really frustrating to have such a limited diet. I haven't had a chai in over nine weeks. I miss basic stuff like bread. And Halloween candy. I know it's not worth cheating - Pepperette and I will both pay dearly if I do. I put cheese in our omelet the other day and paid for it for a week with a flare-up of pain. Now the thrush is pretty good, not gone, but as good as it's been in eight months. And still I find myself missing all the food I can't eat. I am also heartily sick of cooking every freaking meal I eat. What I wouldn't do for someone to cook for me!

Why am I still breastfeeding if it's caused so much pain? So many reasons.

I survived 10 months of on and off thrush pain with LC. I can survive it again.

I nursed LC until he self-weaned at 2.5 years . I have to do the same for Pepperette.

When the pain is low, nursing is wonderful. Knowing that my body makes this milk especially for her, watching her drink, knowing that it's so good for her.

It's not just for nutrition now, but for comfort too.

Quitting (especially when the thrush was the worst, around August) would have crushed me. I would not have been able to let myself off the hook.

I went to my local La Leche League meeting this week. And I'll be at another breastfeeding support group on Friday. I go to give and receive support. It helps reinforce to me why I'm doing this and why it's so important.

My name is Chili and I'm a lactivist.

Dealing with Thrush - Treatment

2007-11-15T02:56:00.000-05:00

This is part 2. Continued from part 1. See also part 3.

How do I treat thrush?
I followed Dr. Newman's protocol with both babies as soon as I realized I had thrush. For LC, it took: two rounds of gentian violet, a number of rounds of fluconazole, constant use of Dr. Newman's all-purpose nipple ointment (APNO) and stopping my iron supplement to get rid of the thrush. It took more than 10 months to fully resolve. The pain was toe-curling at time. I would put off nursing LC because it hurt so much. My husband hated watching me scream and cry and stomp my feet because it hurt so much. Another cause of the thrush was that LC opened up a large crack in my left nipple that just wouldn't heal. It wouldn't heal because there was candida present, and the candida was there because there was a crack. What you call a vicious cycle.

For Pepperette, I recognized the thrush much sooner. But she (re)opened up the same crack in my left nipple. And this time has been much worse in some ways because I have treated it so much more aggressively, and it just won't fucking go away. Here is what I've done so far:

6 weeks to 6 months:

Gentian violet (5 rounds of 4-7 days each). It helps, then flares up within a week of stopping.
Grapefruit seed extract (GSE) pills (2 pills, 3-4 x daily). (See Newman's protocol for specifics.)
Strong probiotic (3 x daily)
Grapefruit seed extract liquid (mixed with water, swabbed on nipples after nursing)
APNO (after nursing)
APNO with ibuprofen for pain relief (after nursing)
Fluconazole (dosing per Newman's protocol). Took two rounds of it, the second round for 8 weeks. Helped control the thrush, never cured it.

6 months and beyond:

Saw a naturopath. Started taking a number of homeopathics in addition to GSE pills, probiotics, GSE liquid, APNO.
Started a very strict anti-candida diet. Purpose is to eliminate all possible sources of sugar and anything that will promote candida growth.

Anti-candida diet details:

No sugar, honey, maple syrup, artificial sweetener, etc.
Nothing fermented. No alcohol, vinegar, yeast etc.
No white flour, white rice.
No to cheese, milk, etc.
No to roasted nuts
No to canned tuna, canned meat. No to lunch meats. No to preservatives.
No to chips, popcorn
Yes to meat (chicken, fish, beef, etc.)
Yes to eggs
Yes to all veggies except corn
Yes to limited amounts of apples, blueberries, pears. No to other fruit, especially dried fruit.
Yes to brown rice, original ryvita crackers, oatcakes (oats, shortening and salt), rice cakes
Yes to unsweetened yogurt, cottage cheese
Yes to raw nuts, raw nut butter
Yes to cooking with vegetable oils, limited amounts of butter
Yes to seasoning with sea salt, fresh cracked pepper, Braggs all-purpose seasoning (a non-fermented soy sauce alternative), lemon juice
After six weeks hard-core, you can add cheese and other fruits back into your diet. I have not been able to do this without causing a flareup.

Anti-candida diet for baby:

probiotics can be given to baby. Break open a capsule, wet finger and dip in probiotic powder. Allow the baby to suck on the finger. Do this twice a day for 5-7 days.
no sugar in diet! I had started giving Peperette snack crackers (like Baby MumMums - a sweetened rice cracker and gluten-free animal crackers*). Both of these have sugar. Her bottom started to get red and she got crankier. I eliminated these crackers, and voila, our thrush symptoms are gone.
Pepperette eats pretty much what I eat, just in pureed form. Brown rice cereal, brown rice pasta, oatmeal, pureed chicken and turkey, pureed veggies (carrots, sweet potato, cauliflower, broccoli, etc.), pureed fruit (apple, pear, banana, etc.).

* Since Peperette is at risk of developing a wheat allergy (like I had as a child), we are not introducing wheat until she is about two.

What the hell do you eat?
Good question.

Breakfast:

steel cut oats with unsweetened applesauce or blueberries or unsweetened almond milk
shredded wheat cakes crumbled with unsweetened almond milk
and that's about it

Snacks:

raw apple
raw almond butter on rice cakes or oatcakes
humus on ryvita crackers
humus with raw veggies (carrots, red pepper, green pepper, celery, cauliflower)
cottage cheese with cinnamon and raw slivered almonds
whole raw almonds

Lunch/dinner:

omlette or boiled egg
chicken, brown rice, steamed broccoli
brown rice pasta, organic pasta sauce (sometimes add beans or ground meat to sauce)
mini meatloafs with brown rice, eggs, onion, garlic, tomato paste, herbs
mashed potatoes made with bit of butter and chicken stock. Can also use cooking water
salad with vinaigrette of lemon juice and olive oil
pan fried salmon sprinkled with lemon juice, veggies, brown rice
stir-fry with garlic, onion, ginger, broccoli, snow peas, zucchini, mushrooms, chicken on brown rice w/Braggs
pork medallions with applesauce, veggie
roast pork or roast beef

Running (or should I say jogging very slowly?)

2007-11-14T02:56:00.000-05:00

I finally started running again. Running is a serious overstatement of what I am doing. I'm following a 10km running program that gradually builds up distance and time. And this time back, I don't care that I'm slow. I am just happy to be moving again. I don't realize how much I miss running until I start again. I feel better mentally and physically. Forgive me if I sound "holier than thou", sometimes cliches are based in truth.

I started running in 1997. I worked my way from lump-on-the-couch up to 5km, then 10km. Then I decided I wanted to run a marathon. So in 2000, I trained and ran my marathon. It really hurt. I was very slow. But I finished in 4h39m. And I will always be proud of that. I decided after that marathon training is just too demanding. It's not the race, it's the training that takes over your life. And I just haven't ever had that burning urge to do another one. So I've stuck with half marathons as my longest race since.

I stopped running in 2003 when I got pregnant and had a threatened miscarriage. I didn't start again until LC was seven months old in 2004. It was a long, slow ramp up after LC too. After a frustrating false start, I signed up with the Running Room and did their Learn to Run clinic. It was a great way to get started again. I met some great women and continued on with them to the half marathon clinic, where I trained for and ran the Las Vegas half marathon in 2005. It was a great race - not so much my time, but the overall experience. Training for the Las Vegas race really helped me regain my mental health and climb out of the pit of PPD.

Post-Pepperette, I am using this program. I don't have the time to go to my local Running Room store right now. With two kids, it's challenging to carve out the time. Whereas LC hated the jogging stroller and screamed after 20 minutes, Pepperette is pretty good and generally naps in it. I've been getting out with a good mom friend of mine when both of our older kids are in school, and we take the babies out in her double stroller, taking turns pushing it. It just feels damn good to be doing something good for me.

Tomorrow is Week 5, run 2. Warm up 5 min walking. Run 2, walk 1, 8 times. Cool down 5 min walking. Should be good.

Bedtime. Bye.

Dealing with Thrush - Symptoms

2007-11-12T03:47:00.000-05:00

This is part 1. Also see part 2 and part 3.

I want to write a comprehensive post about my ongoing struggle with thrust/yeast/candida/whatever-you-want-to-call it. I had better make it a multi-part post or it will take forever.

I'm going to try a FAQ format.

What are the other names for thrush?
Yeast, candida overgrowth, etc.

What is thrush?
An overgrowth of candida albicans. Candida exists normally in our bodies, but causes problems when it takes over the healthy stuff in our guts. (Yeah, real technical discussion, I know. I'm definitely not a doctor, just a mom.) Candida loves moist, warm environments. So if you're a nursing mom, especially if you have any nipple trauma (scratches, abrasions, etc.) you're more likely to develop thrush.

For some people, overgrowth of candida causes vaginal yeast infections. For others, they don't notice anything. For a nursing mom, thrush can cause terrible nipple pain. For the nursing baby, thrush can make the tongue appear white and white patches in the mouth.

What does thrush feel like?
Every mom I've talked to about thrush has different symptoms. Some mom's have symptoms but no pain. (I wish!)

Here are my symptoms:

Pain when baby latches. As it progresses, there is pain when latching, during nursing and after nursing.
In between nursing sessions, deep burning pain in breast, like knives stabbing.
Nipples and aureoles bright red
Nipples and aureoles have flaking skin
Vaginal itching (occasional)
This may be the effect of chronic pain, but I get more irritable, down (depressed), and generally feel like I'm functioning in a fog.

Baby's symptoms:

My babies have never shown traditional symptoms. They do not have the typical white-coated tongue and white patches in their mouth.
Both babies get a diaper rash. Not a typical rash, in my opinion. The skin around the anus gets very red and irritated. No bumps, skin in smooth, just red.
Pepperette gets fussy when the thrush is bad. I don't know if she's physically uncomfortable or it's because my pain is inhibiting the milk flow.

RED FLAG: if breastfeeding has been going well up to now, and you have sudden onset of symptoms, get help!

What should I avoid in order to minimize my chances of developing thrush? / What are some of the triggers for developing thrush?
These things may increase you chances of developing thrush:

If you take antibiotics, especially if you are treated for being group b strep positive (GBS+) during/after labour
DON'T take an iron supplement. After LC was born, I took Floravit, a natural iron supplement to help with my chronic (mild) anemia. Turns out that extra iron provides a lovely environment for yeast growth. Try to get your iron from food sources (red meat, dark green veggies).
If you have any trauma to your nipples - scratches, cracks, dryness - watch for onset of symptoms. Treat aggressively right away. Don't suffer and hope it will go away.
DON'T use lanolin (i.e. Lansinoh). For a variety of reasons, it can promote yeast overgrowth.

(Updated to fix formatting. Stupid template.)

Definitely not participating in NaBloPoMo

2007-11-11T23:45:00.000-05:00

I thought about participating in NaBloPoMo. Really, I did. I've found that the longer I go without posting, the harder it is to overcome the inertia. I have so much to say, some of it possibly interesting, some of it banal. Yet I haven't posted in months because I've either been struggling so much that I couldn't summon the energy to post or been feeling good enough that all I want is to start catching up on all the stuff I am so woefully behind in.

Here are some bullets of catching up.

Pepperette is now eight months old. The cliche is true - babyhood goes by so much faster the second time. She is lovely and very smiley. She is also healthy so far - no bladder infections (LC got sick around 3 months). She is small, like LC was, but his time I'm not getting a hard time from the doctor about it. Hey, someone has to be in the second percentile...
Chronic thrush is a bitch. I am still struggling with pain while nursing, which is better than the constant toe-curling pain I had before. What is finally working is a combination of supplements, homeopathics and an incredibly restrictive diet that eliminates all sources of sugar. If I deviate at all from the routine, it flares right back up. I am so beyond frustrated by this.
Pain from thrush has been the single thing that brought me closest to developing PPD. But I haven't.
The other upside to this incredibly limited diet? When you can only eat good stuff (veggies, limited fruit, plain meat), and no processed food and no crap, you're bound to lose weight. I have lost about 20 pounds since the end of August. I'm now at 3 pounds below my pre-Pepperette weight, within 7 pounds of my pre-LC weight. It feels good to have my body sorta back.
LC turned four in the fall. Wow. I have a four year old. Overall, I am loving four - fewer tantrums, better listening, etc. It feels like all the work is starting to pay off. He (sometimes) has good manners, will stop when asked, eats a ton, is learning so much at montessori.
Mr. Chili had a significant birthday just before LC's. 4*cough*0. He doesn't care about birthdays or celebrating them, but I do, so on the day, he played golf with his friends, came home for late dinner, got his presents from us. Then I had a small surprise party with two of his best friends and their spouses and offspring. (Total of six adults and five kids five and under.) Mr. Chili was surprised and, I believe, had a great time.
I have finally gotten my tired ass out the door and resumed running. I'm taking it slowly, doing run/walk sets. Did I mention very slowly? Oh well - it really does feel good to be out there three times a week. Pepperette has been really good in the jogging stroller. It is much more of a workout to push the darned thing.

I started this post in the wee hours of Friday morning. It's Sunday evening, Mr. Chili has Pepperette and LC is asleep. I had better post now before another couple of months go by. I wrote it on my Palm LifeDrive, but couldn't login to blogger from the damn thing. Frustrating! It takes for freaking ever to tap out an entry. But writing while nursing seems to the only way to get time to write.

Back in the land of the semi-functioning

2007-08-10T02:31:00.000-04:00

Oh wow. Has it really been four months since I last posted? *gulp*

I’m writing this in Word, on a dodgy laptop (reason #27 why I haven’t posted). I haven’t even logged into Blogger to see if it remembers me.

Speaking of lists…here’s a summary of what’s been happening at Casa Chili. I’d like to write full posts on most of these soon. I hope.

The baby - hereby known by her bloggy nickname of “Pepperette” - is now five months old. Incroyable. Time is flying by. Insert annoying cliché here. It’s true though!
Pepperette took seven weeks to fully come to the breast. She is exclusively breastfed. It took a lot of work and a lot of determination. It was an incredibly slow, organic process.
Breastfeeding, or more precisely the problems I have/had with breastfeeding, were what brought me closest to developing PPD.
This is why I saw the shrink for four months post-partum.
I would happily run my pump over with my car at this point.
No PPD here. Not a happy accident either – it’s due to planning, good psychiatric care, supportive friends and family, etc. And maybe a bit of luck.
LC is going to be four years old soon. He is doing so well. Very articulate, very active. Tantrums have diminished, thank goodness. He challenges me every day.
Part of the reason I am still (semi-)sane is that LC is going to Montessori summer camp 3 days a week. He’s loving it. Each week has a theme. Last week was animals, this week was magic. There is a themed craft, a visit/show/demonstration – this week was a magic show, natch.
Surprisingly, I am not suffering much parental guilt about sending my kid away when I am at home on maternity leave.
Add to the list of things I never thought I’d say – looking after only one child is a break. Although I have to say that only one is draining when that one is constantly nursing and not napping.
Speaking of nursing, recurrent thrush really sucks. I have been dealing with constant pain while nursing. I am so tired of this. I suffered from chronic thrush with LC too. I’m treating it much more aggressively this time, but it just will not go away. I can get the pain down to a 2/10, never less than that, and when it flares up it ratchets up to an 8. It’s exhausting and demoralizing.
On the plus side, Pepperette is gaining well. She grins like a maniac and is *this close* to laughing.
Having a healthy baby (and a healthy momma) makes such a difference. I am actually enjoying my daughter’s babyhood. I am present in my life and the lives of my family. I am so grateful for this.

It's taken me most of the day to write this. I'd best post this now and get some sleep.

'Night.

April Fool's (cont'd)

2007-04-02T14:07:00.000-04:00

[Continued from previous post, as my mobile web browser apparently has a max number of characters allowed. Grrrrr.]

I have to remind myself that it's still better than with LC. I'm generally coping better, and I think she's a more mellow baby. But I'm still pissed off/frustrated that I'm 0/2 for latching babies. She is almost one month old, and here I am, still tied to the f'n pump.

I believe at I am still hanging onto my sanity, managing to keep myself from sliding down that slippery slope into that dark, warm and familiar pit. I've got an appointment with the post-partum psychiatrist next week. On one hand I want her to agree that I'm doing great and don't need to come back. On the other hand, I'm terrified that she'll let me go, PPD will suddenly set in, and no one will be there to help me. Not espcially likely or rational, but it's haunting me.

April Fool's

2007-04-02T13:47:00.000-04:00

[Written yesterday, but no time to post.]

Any April Fool's jokes/pranks played on you? Me neither. Might be speaking prematurely, since it's only 4:11 pm, but I'm pretty confident that the universe is content with my current hellish existence.

Okay. I'm exaggerating. It's not that bad. But today it feels like that. M is still not fully at the breast - she latches up to five or six times per 24 hours. Only on the right breast. Never on the left. So my days are fully consumed with a neverending cycle of cup feeding (no atificial nipples here, just can't do it), latch attempt (sometimes successful), pump, change diaper, pause, repeat. Somtimes she naps in there, and I get to spend some time with LC or do a load of laundry or maybe even pee... M is a pretty good sleeper, but like most babies in my experience, she sleeps best on me. So often, shortly after I carefully put her down, deeply asleep, she starts to sqwak, quickly escalating to screaming. But I have to finish pumping. Its brutal. It's hard to watch her looking for me and not be able to pick her up, even though it's only for ten minutes.

Yet I have to remind myself that this is huge progress. And my supply is better this time. The funny thing is that I don't remember exactly when LC was fully at the breast. Six weeks is what sticks in my brain, but I know it was gradual process for him, where he started latching more and more often around six weeks. I think I don't want to remember the details. They are all caught up in the PPD fog that swamped my brain for ten plus months.

...to be continued...
(Stupid mobile browser won't let me post the rest of this entry. Grrrrrr....I won't even tell you ow long this has taken to post.)

Happy 1st blogiversary to me!

2007-03-28T03:58:00.000-04:00

Please pardon any typos and incoherence. I'm writing (tapping) on my Palm LifeDrive with a dozing baby on my chest, under the influence of extreme sleep deprivation.

This is going to be a lame-ass post. But at least I'm throwing somthing up to acknowledge this *ahem* momentous occasion. I'm not in the same leagues as the bloggers I read daily. And that's okay - as I've said before, I still regard this as a great forum for cheap therapy.

On this day, March 27, 2007:
- LC had a good day at school, was gentle with his sister, listened to us and went to bed early
- M is 24 days old (I should really stop counting in days now - it's lame). She is beautiful. She is still not latching -much. But she is making progress. And thanks to the wonders of cup-feeding, she has reached her birth weight! I am still disappointed to be struggling again with breastfeeding, but am gradually believing that she will latch and we will enjoy a long nursing relationship.
- On a related note, I still hate my pump. But I am so very pleased that my supply is better this time. No supplementation required here,baby!
- Despite a few bad days (um really bad), I just might escape PPD ths time. Got another appt with the shrink next week. (Cool - I've neve had a shrink before...)
- Mr. Chili is still awesome

And if I don't save and post this now, I won't get it up by midnight.

Trying mobile blogging

2007-03-22T22:42:00.000-04:00

Wonderful Mr. Chili bought me a Palm LifeDrive for my birthday in Jan. I've had other Palm devices in the past - this one does so much more! lt has bluetooth and wireless, a web browser and allows me to access all my email and instant messenger. It's freaking awesome!! Especially since I no longer have my laptop (had to give it back when they laid me off, which was a month after I started my mat leave).

Going to save this, then try to post. ThenI must go wake up the baby - she's been sleeping way too long.

She's here!

2007-03-22T02:27:00.000-04:00

Still trying to get our shit together here...(and I was resisting the forced conversion to the new Blogger.)

On Saturday, March 3rd at 6:50pm, M-------- K--- O------ was born at home. (Yeah, sorry, that's as close to her full name as you'll get.) She weighed 7lbs even. She had some problems breathing, but is doing fine now. Big brother LC has been very gentle with his new sister. (I won't talk about the rest of his behaviour. Let's say he's been challenging, shall we?)

She's 18 days old. She's very beautiful. The birth was a pretty amazing experience. The breastfeeding? Sucks - or rather doesn't. We are having very much the same problems that I had with LC. But we got through it with LC, and will do it with Miss M too.

So far am managing to keep PPD at bay, but it's too early to say I'm out of the woods yet. Still have lots of risk factors, yada, yada.

More later. Must go pump (f'n pump) and then cup feed, then hopefully a few hours sleep before we do it again...and again...and again.

Did I mention she's beautiful? Yeah.

PPD - Am I nuts to do this again?

2007-02-27T00:22:00.000-05:00

Really, it's a bit late to be changing my mind...but the question is still valid.

Almost finished reading a really good book about having a baby after experiencing PPD. (Full disclosure: the only PPD-related book I read.) The book is called, "What Am I Thinking?", subtitled, "Having a baby after postpartum depression". The author is Karen Kleiman.

She has also written a couple of other PPD-related books, "This Isn't What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression" (bought but not read yet) and "The Postpartum Husband: Practical Solutions for Living with Postpartum Depression".

It's a short read, 146 pages, and written in an easy-to-read style. I found myself nodding in response to many of the sections the author wrote about - from what PPD felt like, to things that people said that did and did not help, to the decision to "do it all again".*

There are some good worksheets that the author suggests completing - some intended for you, some for your therapist, some for you to your post-partum self, some for your spouse/partner, etc. I'm going to be working on some in the next day or two and will share them.

* Quoting Emily's blog "Doing it all again" - a great read about parenting, life, and PPD.

LC's birth story

2007-02-26T17:39:00.000-05:00

[Note: now that the arrival of PB is imminent, I thought I would post LC's birth story. Context, context, as Mr. Chili is always reminding me.]

It all started on January 17th, 2003. Kidding! Not going to go back to conception!

Saturday, September 20th 2003 was Mr. Chili's 36th birthday. I had planned a nice day for us. I was 37w2d pregnant, and feeling pretty good, all in all. We got up bright and early, stopped by the Tim Horton's for breakfast-to-go and then to the park for a walk with the dog. Cosmo had a great romp in the conservation area and we met up with lots of other dog owners. Did normal Saturday stuff, then headed downtown to see a movie and dinner. We knew it would be one of our last date nights for a while. We had a lovely evening.

While we were getting ready for bed, Mr. Chili joked that it was too bad the baby wouldn't be born on his birthday. Daddy & baby with the same birthday. Har har - I pretended to be disappointed, but was also relieved. After all, I still had a week left at work and really wanted my at least one or two days off work before the baby arrived.

Sunday was a great day. We took Cosmo for a run at the Rouge park and ate breakfast from Tims (yum). Then we headed to our childbirth class. Had an enjoyable class. The funny part is that we were chatting with Shannon (the instructor) and she said she had a good feeling that all of us were going to make it to the classes, that no one was going to go early. I was third in line, so to speak, to give birth. Famous last words! On our way home from class, we picked up few groceries on the way home and met MIL at home.

We had a delicious late lunch of bbqued ribs and corn with MIL. She was so excited to see my belly and so excited that her first grandchild was almost here. She took a picture of my big belly and ooh and aaahed over the baby's stroller and carseat with the teddy bear and a bib that said "I Love my Grandma". We spent what was left of the day working on things around the house. I think Mr. Chili was doing caulking on the exterior. I decided to assemble the vibrating/bouncing/rocking chair that we received as a shower present from friends. Later in the evening we watched Sunday night football in bed. I decided that we should put the pack & play together. We struggled with the instructions a little bit, but eventually got it assembled. (Yes, in hindsight, you could say that I was nesting.)

The baby's position in utero had been on my mind a lot. I knew that s/he was head down (good), but facing sideways. What they call "right occipital posterior". So when you go into labour, depending on how things happen, you can have a longer, more painful labour and a lot of back labour. Oh joy. I knew that this was going to be tough enough. I didn't need to have that as a concern too. I'd done a lot of reading about it and we had even covered it in our childbirth classes. I found out around 20w that the baby was facing this way and my stubborn child hadn't changed at all in the subsequent weeks. I had been sitting forward as much as possible, sitting on an exercise ball in the evenings at home and sleeping on my side with my legs positioned just so to help. Anything to encourage the baby to turn.

So that evening while we were watching football, it felt like the baby was really moving around. I mentioned it to Mr. Chili and he suggested I get into a yoga position called table pose to encourage the baby to turn. I was tired and grumpy and muttered about it for a while, but decided to take his advice. I spent about 10 minutes on my hands and knees, muttering the entire time. When I got back into bed I tried to feel what position the baby was in. To my amateur hands, it felt like the baby had turned. But really, what did I know? I'm hardly a professional.

Mr. Chili had fallen asleep and I stayed up watching the football game. It wasn't even that exciting, I just didn't want to go to sleep yet. I finally turned out the light around 11:30pm. A few minutes after I turned out the light, I felt this gush of fluid. My first thought was that my water had broken. Then I scoffed and thought that it couldn't be. I hauled myself out of bed and shuffled off to the bathroom. There was a serious amount of fluid - well, not that much - but more than if I had wet myself. I felt really excited, giddy almost. And I could hear our childbirth instructor saying, "don't wake up your husband if your water breaks in the middle of the night. It's going to be a while. Let him get some sleep. Otherwise you'll both be too excited and he's going to need the rest." So after waiting a whole minute, I told Mr. Chili that I thought my water had broken. He started awake and was excited too. I was still in semi-denial. We decided that we were too excited to sleep and that we should pack my hospital bag. Yep, that's right, we hadn't done that yet. I mean, I was 37 weeks, I still had time. Lots of time. Even though my water had broken, it would be hours before things got started!

We started laying things out for the bag. Mr. Chili went downstairs and put the carseat in the car, along with the instruction manual. We hadn't installed the car seat yet. Mr. Chili decided that he would do it while I was in the hospital, there would be time then. I started to lay things out. I also started to have contractions. Which had started sooner than I expected, I remember thinking. Geek that I am, I got out my handheld organizer and started the labour timing program. I started to time my contractions. They were 7-10 minutes apart and relatively short in duration. Within a short period of time, they were happening every five minutes and getting more intense. I was having to pause during contractions and concentrate. I was also losing my mucous plug - gross! (Oh and some diarrehea too. Gotta clean out the ole bod.)

I think we paged the midwives for the first time around 1:30 or 2:00am. Things were getting more serious and we wanted to know what to do. We paged Laurie first. She sounded tired and slightly annoyed. We had misread the schedule and she wasn't the primary midwife on-call yet - it was still Valerie. Ooops. So we paged Valerie. Valerie didn't sound too concerned. I could still talk through the contractions, although they were definitely 5 minutes or less apart and getting more intense. She said to page back if they got more serious or if I started feeling the urge to push. I was managing the contractions fairly well mostly on all fours, sometime leaning over. Mr. Chili was paging through the manual from our class, trying to find the coaching techniques to use. Poor guy was about a stage of labour behind.

Within half an hour, I was in the bathroom, on all fours, throwing up into a garbage can. I remember thinking that this must be transition. And also thinking that this was happening way too fast. I mean, really, I was 37 weeks. This was not supposed to be happening yet. I hadn't even finished work yet!

Mr. Chili paged Valerie again. Valerie asked if I was feeling the urge to push. I yelled/panted between contractions that I was starting to feel the urge to push. I was not nearly that coherent, though. I was panting and yelling pretty loudly. Not happy and in a lot of pain. I think I started to realize that we probably weren't going to make it to the hospital at this point. I said that to Mr. Chili, he said we could still go, and I said that there was no way I was going to be able to handle a car ride at this point. Valerie said she was on her way, and would be about an hour.

Things started to get very intense and very painful. I ended up on the bed, on my side, and was really feeling the urge to push. It was sometime after 3:00am, and things were really intense. Okay, intense is so much an understatement. Mr. Chili was being wonderfully supportive, when I could hear him. It was getting really tough. The one thing I really remembered from our childbirth classes was to put my head up and pant when I felt the urge to push. I was doing this and groaning and screaming. I know that I screamed and pretty loudly at some points because my voice was hoarse afterwards. I had no idea I could make that much noise, and I wasn't even really aware of what I was doing.

I was beginning to think that Valerie, Laurie and the student, Heather were never going to arrive. Mr. Chili was trying to tend to me, tend to the dog and watch for the midwives. Finally Valerie arrived at 3:30am with a police escort! She had never been to our house and was trying to find it in the dark, reading a map. I guess she appeared to be driving erratically, so a police car followed her for a while and followed her to our house. When she got out of the car, she explained that she was a midwife and was visiting a client. Likely the policeman heard me yelling! Of course I was unaware of this, just the quick updates that Mr. Chili told me when I was getting really scared that the midwives were never coming.

Valerie scooted upstairs and was quickly examining me. I don't remember her saying this but the she said to Mr. Chili that we were not going anywhere - I was fully dilated and ready to push. Shortly afterwards Laurie arrived, followed by Heather. The three of them spent a few frantic moments setting up materials, stripping down the bed, replacing the sheets with a shower curtain and garbage bags and getting ready for the arrival of our baby. I was only vaguely aware of these things. It was all I could do to get through each contraction. When Valerie told me that it was time to push I was glad at first. Then it hurt even more. I was yelling - unproductively - screaming, really. They had to talk to me, get me to calm down and grunt/groan instead. I was at the breaking point, not really believing that this was really going to happen. I was crying and saying, "I can't do this" over and over. Mr. Chili kept telling me how amazing I was and how much he loved me. Then Valerie told me that I could feel the head if I reached down. I tried but couldn't feel anything. I honestly thought they were just feeding me a line, that the baby wasn't really that close to being born. The midwives kept checking the baby's heartrate, monitoring to make sure that s/he was tolerating labour well enough. Then the baby's heartrate dropped. Not too badly, I think, but enough that they were concerned. So they told me to just push, push, push. No more controlled pushing, to ease s/he out. Nope. Just huge, long, screaming pushes. Again, I was screaming and they had to get me to focus. I was scared in a part of my mind, but most of me just wanted to get this over with! So I pushed and felt the baby's head emerge. Mr. Chili was on his knees by my side, watching. The rest of the baby's body just slid out on the next contraction.

They clamped the cord and immediately lay him down on my abdomen. The baby was grayish/purplish in colour and was limp for just a moment. Then we heard this quiet little cough, followed by his first shuddering breath. It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard.

Mr. Chili was on his knees next to me and we both gazed at our baby, still in shock that s/he was here. After a few minutes of rapt staring, we asked the midwives, "What is it?", "Look for yourselves", Valerie said. So we peeked under the towel and saw that we had a beautiful baby boy.

The delivery of the placenta happened next - I barely noticed it, I was just in awe of this tiny life lying on my belly.

The really-not-fun part happened next- I had torn a lot and deeply since we were in such a hurry to get LC out. So Mr. Chili took LC into the nursery and sat with him while the midwives stitched me up. Ouch, ouch and more ouch. I probably screamed more during this part than during labour. Tough call which was worse. I know that it took longer than the entire pushing part of my labour.

By the time everything was tidied up, it was about 8:30am. Mr. Chili, the baby and I dozed (after all, he didn't have a name yet) for a bit. Then we started calling our families. It was pretty fun to tell people that LC had put in an early and unexpected experience, at home too! I know that everyone I talked to was shocked and thought we were kidding at first. Nope, not a joke. He was definitely here.

So water breaking to birth was about four hours. And I was holding off pushing before the midwives arrived. I'm certain that LC would have arrived sooner if I hadn't done the panting thing - and been in denial!

Funny anecdote: later in the evening, our neighbour from across the street walking over, knocked on the door and handed Mr. Chili a bottle of wine, looking slightly sheepish, saying, "Congratulations." Mr. Chili accepted, and wandered back to the table, wondering how our neighbour knew that I'd had the baby already. We learned months later that our window had been open, and our bedroom faces the street, his window had been open too and apparently his wife is a light sleeper. So basically she heard me screaming... Not too embarassing that....
~~~
It will be interesting to see how PB's birth story goes. Little bugger is already insisting on being different - coming relatively late!

Still here, still pregnant

2007-02-26T17:00:00.000-05:00

Whooda thunk it?

I'm one day shy of 39w. Two weeks further than I made it with LC. I really, really did not expect to still be pregnant. Don't know how to feel about the fact that I still am.
I stopped working two weeks ago. And LC is still in montessori school. I feel a bit guilty about that, but have really been enjoying this precious time to get things done. I feel really ready for this baby now. I guess it balances out my experience with LC, where I still had a week left at work when he was born.
I'm getting scared about how big this baby is going to be. But I know we'll be fine. I know this is selfish, but dammit, I don't want to be pregnant much longer. We are all ready to meet this baby now.
Murphy's law says that because I stopped working at 36.5w, I will end up having this baby late. Oh geesh, I really, really hope not.
I have three to six good contractions every day - the kind that make me pause and think, "Oh crap. This is what it's all about. How could I have forgotten how much fun this is going to hurt?". But they never develop into any pattern.
My midwives are going to be very surprised to see me tomorrow morning for my weekly appointment. They really thought I would deliver around 37w again. Hah! They are at least as excited as we are about my labour - making sure I understand to page RIGHT AWAY if I think I might be in labour. It's fun having a history of precipitous labour - make the midwives really anxious.
Mr. Chili and I have spent no small amount of time planning out what to do in the event that things go too quickly and the midwives don't make it. We have a plan in place and feel pretty good with it. We're planners, Mr. Chili and me. Especially me.
I'm still feeling really good. Quite mobile and agile. I don't have as much stamina, and get winded coming up the stairs or whatever, but really, feel quite fit. I am getting huge, but feel like it's mostly my big belly. Mr. Chili will glance at my belly and get this shocked expression on his face - it's pretty hilarious.
Got pregnancy portraits taken last week. I hope they turn out well. I did this with LC and was quite happy to have them - not glamorous, and I didn't look great - but I wanted to capture myself pregnant with LC and PB, warts-and-all. I have three prints of my LC session framed, but have never hung them. Now we'll wait until we get the proofs from this pg, and get two or three framed, then hang them all together in our bedroom.

Next up - more on PPD. Found a really good book about having a baby after PPD. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this topic lately.

My son has a hair fetish.

2007-01-31T17:04:00.000-05:00

(Or maybe I should change that title so I don't get any weird search hits...)

Pretty much since LC was born, he has always reached up to put his hand on the nape of my neck and tangle his hand in my hair. Even when he was a newborn and not coordinated enough to do it on purpose, one hand was always reaching for my hair while nursing.

Honestly? By about six months it was driving me batty by the end of the day. At the beginning of the day it was cute and sweet. By the end of the day, I was usually a leeeetle touched out and felt like screaming "get your hand out of my fireplacing hair!"

As LC grew and got older, many things changed - how often he nursed, the position he nursed in, where he nurse, etc. But one thing stayed constant - his desire - no - unconscious instinct to reach for my hair.

Once he had enough words, he started demanding, "Hair!" at bedtime. Even (especially?) after he'd weaned, he would say, "Hair, please." And I'd move closer, lying next to him and he would tangle his fist in my hair.

He's 3 and some months old now. And he still reaches for my hair at bedtime if I'm there. If it's Mr. Chili doing the bedtime routine, sometimes there will be tears when he wants my hair and it's not there. Mr. Chili has tried offering his hair, but no one else's will do. "It's too short", LC says. And if LC is upset/sad/tired/frustrated, and I pick him up, he'll instinctively reach for the hair.

I remember sitting in the nursing chair when he was about a year old and realizing that I was going to miss the closeness - that my complaints to Mr. Chili about wanting his hand OUT OF MY HAIR were going to change, some day, to missing that hand. Turns out I haven't complained about missing it much. LC has not outgrown his desire to have his hand in my hair. And I love it. It a comfort that only I can provide. And you know what? That feels pretty good.

Sometimes this mommy gig is pretty sweet.

[Will try to find a pic demonstrating the hair grab, but can't find any pics on this computer's HD. It'd help if we could manage to organize our pics...]

Grumpy

2007-01-31T16:54:00.000-05:00

I don't remember this stuff from my pg with LC. Or was in such denial/depression already that I didn't notice it?

All I know is that yesterday I was especially:
1. Short on patience w/LC
and everyone else. But especially LC. Who really wasn't trying my patience more than usual. He was just being a normal 3 year old. I just had no ability to deflect/distract/cajole/whatever from LC's antics and famous not-listening (aka ignoring) skills.

I completely lacked the ability to laugh at myself tonight too.

2. Tired
At the end of the work day, and I didn't work all that hard (mentally or physically), I was exhausted. I got in my car, drove home and thought, "Man, am I tired."

And I had the best (and longest) sleep the night before. Best sleep in ages.

~~
So after dinner, I asked/told Mr. Chili that I needed to go out and run some errands. And I did. I had a coat on hold for LC (bought a size 3, decided a 4 would be better, needed to exchange). Also needed to pick up an anniversary gift for Mr. Chili. And a card.

I can't believe how lame the anniversary cards are. Blah, blah, mush, blah. Finally settled on a card, figuring it's what I write that counts, not the card. Cannot think of a good wood-based gift (the traditional 5th wedding anniversary gift), so I bought him a new Xbox 360 game and plan to tape a toothpick to it... Sneaky, eh?

Also bought a present for LC from his new baby brother or sister. Got him a new Playmobil set - a police van. Should buy us some hours of entertainment, I hope.

~~
The grumpiness reminds me of my old PMS struggles. I know I'm being a b_tch/not reacting normally/etc., but I can't seem to stop myself. Ah well, so long as it doesn't last, I'm sure Mr. Chili and LC will forgive me.

I hope tomorrow is a less grumpy day.

Moments of LC cuteness

2007-01-30T14:06:00.000-05:00

LC woke up in a good mood this morning. We all had a good sleep.

He said, "I'm going to be the big brother. And baby is going to be my sister (1). We'll call her Lisa-baby. (2)"

Then he leaned over, pulled up my pyjama top and planted a huge raspberry (3) on my belly.

Teh cute! (4)

Notes:
(1) LC usually says the baby going to be a boy. And that he wants a brother. No, we didn't find out the gender during our ultrasounds. We like surprises.
(2) No matter whether he says it's a boy or a girl, his choice of names is "Lisa-baby". We have a good friend named Lisa, we're guessing it's a tribute to her. The real Lisa is pretty tickled.
(3) As in "thhhbbbppppt". See here.
(4) "Teh", variation on "the". Commonly seen at Phantom's place. Now also defined in Wikipedia. (Cool!)

Other moments:
We've not been pushing the idea of the new baby too much with LC, just letting him think about it. And he's been talking more and more about the new baby. Cute stuff like while on the potty, he'll say,
"I know how to pee on the potty, but the new baby won't. 'Cause babies don't know how to."

True enough, I'll say. This sentence & variations on it are becoming very common. "The new baby won't be able to do X, I can show the new baby how to do X". Love it! So cute.

On Sunday, LC sat on his Sponge Bob couch with "baby" (a doll that we gave him for his 3rd birthday). Mr. Chili covered him with a blanket. And LC sat there, reading stories to his baby. He picked books that he knows so well he can "read" them out loud. It was heart-melting.

Post-Partum Depression Redux?

2007-01-29T16:39:00.000-05:00

I really hope not.

I'm 34.5 weeks pregnant and today I went to my GP to ask for a referral to a psychiatric unit that specializes in treating post-partum depression. It's at a big downtown hospital, not especially convenient or close, but my midwives recommended it, so I took a deep breath and started taking steps.

I don't want to experience PPD again. I really, really don't. And I've been feeling so much better this pg, not to mention I wasn't depressed when I got pregnant, and I'm in much better shape this time. Mentally and physically, I am doing so much better. So I've been in denial-land for most of the pregnancy, "Lalalalala. I'm fine. I'll be fine." Then my midwife correctly reminded me that if you've had PPD once, you're more at risk for getting it with subsequent pregnancies. Ah, right.

I remember from last time how hard it was to see that I needed help. To ask for that help was almost impossible. And the people who love me didn't know what to do to help me. So I suffered and Mr. Chili and LC suffered too. This time will be different. I am being proactive and lining up a psychiatrist NOW. I have enlisted Mr. Chili and a good friend to intervene if they see me sliding and I'm not getting help. This makes me feel better, that I'm going to be okay.

I've never seen a psychiatrist/counselor/etc before. I've always muddled through my depressive episodes. But I cannot do this again. I cannot be the unhappy, anxious mess that I was for more than 10 months after LC was born. No one, least of all me and this baby deserves that.

Triggers for PPD w/LC:
[I recognize that these are whines - putting things in perspective, most would thing "Enh. Big deal. What a whiner! Complaining about a fast labour? Bite me." Too me, at the time, all these things contributed. This is where my head was.]

- had trouble getting pregnant, didn't cope well
- was headed downwards, then surprise pg
- job was very stressful - working huge amounts of overtime (70hrs/week)
- LC was 3w early - took me by surprise. I hadn't started my mat leave, I hadn't gotten ready at all.
- Labour was precipitous and I was traumatized by it
- LC wouldn't latch for 6w. I persevered by paid a heavy price
- Chronic thrush = chronic pain for about 8 months. Toe-curling, screaming kind of pain every time LC latched.
- Tough time adjusting to motherhood. I had a hard time letting go of my go-go-go type A tendencies and just going with the flow.
- LC was miserable for the first 6 weeks when he wouldn't latch. The he got sick with a chronic bladder/kidney infection that went undiagnosed for a long time. The docs kept saying he was just colicky. No he fucking wasn't. He was in pain. He cried so much for so many months.
- sleep deprivation. Standard stuff, but it hurts.

Confession time:
I started to climb out of my PPD haze when LC was about 10 months old. This coincided with Mr. Chili being home for a month, and when LC was 11 months old, I started back at work part-time. Did I start feeling better because I went back to work/got away from my child?

I have huge guilt there. It's like my dirty little secret. I wasn't happy being at home with LC. Was is PPD? Or was it that I wanted to be back at work? I don't know.

My PPD symptoms:
There is a good questionnaire about PPD here. Taking the quiz today, through my memory filter, I scored 22/30. To quote the results,

"You may be experiencing depression.
It's highly recommended that you talk to your health care provider"

Yeah. Too bad I couldn't see it then.

I never thought about killing/harming myself or LC. It didn't get that bad. Thank goodness. That being said, these are some of the things I struggled with:

- I used to fantasize about escaping. If I could just get in the car and go away. Leave LC with Mr. Chili. They would be so much better off without me. I was just bringing them down, making them miserable. I would spend ages evaluating different scenarios, where I would drive - anywhere, whether I would use a credit card (they could trace me that way) or just take cash.
- I was anxious about everything. Anxious that LC was going to cry, that he would stop latching again, that he would never stop crying. I would get so anxious about leaving the house to meet friends for coffee/tea. Once there, LC was always better than I expected, and I nearly always enjoyed having social time with friends. But the angst to get there!
- I cried a lot. I cried when thing were good or friends were nice to me. I cried when LC just wouldn't give me a break. I cried so much.
- I was so desperately unhappy. Over and over in my head, I would think about how miserable I was. And I would wonder in a distant way why I couldn't enjoy myself when things were going well. I couldn't get motivated to do normal household stuff - cleaning, dishes, cooking. Even things that gave me pleasure, I would just be overwhelmed by starting. I watched a lot of TV while nursing LC and would just sit in a chair for hours at a time, trying to shut off my brain.
- I overreacted to everything, even small things. Had no perspective.

How did I get better? And without drugs or psychiatric help?
First off, my midwives were wonderful for the birth of LC. The same midwives are delivering this one too. But they were not all that helpful when it came to breastfeeding support. And since they follow you for six weeks post-partum, they didn't see that I wasn't getting better.

Then, when LC was six months old, I cried to Mr. Chili that I had to do something. I kept waiting, but wasn't getting better. I booked an appt with my GP. He took time off work and came with me (and LC came too, natch.) My GP basically said that I should call my work benefit Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) number and get a referral from them. She didn't seem to take seriously how I was feeling, nor understand the tremendous effort it had taken for me to call & book this appt. I left feeling that I was making a big deal out of nothing (not caused by what she said, but caused by the depression). And so I never called the EAP. And I never got help. I tried.

Btw, I am not against drugs for treating PPD. It's not my first choice, because I'd prefer not to pass any trace of anything to PB via breastmilk. And I will be breastfeeding again. But I also recognize that I can't function again like that, so I will consider drugs if it starts to get bad again. There are safe(r) drugs for treating PPD while breastfeeding [ref].

Moxie, dear Moxie, has some great tips on ways to avoid/minimize the risk of/deal with PPD. Please read here - there is a series of seven posts so far.

I started running when LC was about five months old. Very slowly, very haltingly. I joined a running clinic at my local running store and started to socialize a bit - for 45 minutes every Saturday morning. Running really helped. Helped me feel more in control.

My treatment plan:
(Still being developed.)
- started pre-natal yoga at ~11 weeks, still going. Love it. I feel like it's really helping mentally and physically.
- less stress (Believe it or not. It's been less stressful being laid off and dealing with getting screwed in terms of serverance/mat leave than last pg when I was working too much)
- Meet with psychiatrist in PPD unit at hospital before PB is born
- More prepared for baby, breastfeeding
- Intervention team lined up (Mr. Chili, couple of friends)

Most of all: I keep repeating my new mantra.

"I am a different person now.

I will cope differently.

I will not react the same even if the exact same problems arise again."

Good stuff in December - LC

2007-01-26T16:46:00.000-05:00

Sorry to have (re)posted this multiple times. I kept hitting Ctrl-S instead of Ctrl-C. Oops.

[For some context, see here.]

December brought another visit to local Children’s hospital. And some good news. And sweet relief.

Our last appt, in Jun-05, had the staff urologist preparing us for the worst. Left kidney badly scarred, not working well, reflux on left side not likely to resolve, surgery likely to either remove the bad kidney (thus resolving the reflux: no kidney means no connection to the bladder = no reflux). Gulp. Not life-threatening, by any means, but scary to us.

In the meantime, we were told to continue with the prophylactic dose of antibiotics (daily dose) and to be vigilant about getting urine samples with any unexplained fever (monitor for breakthrough infection). Oh, and when it comes to potty training, we were warned to be very gentle with him - no pressure - because holding urine only makes the reflux worse and increases his chance of another infection. Gulp again.

The doc also said next appt he would want to run a flow rate test to make sure LC was able to completely empty his bladder, so don't bring him back until he's potty trained. Hm, I thought, he'll be almost three by Jun-06, he should be potty trained by then...

Yes, please, go ahead and laugh.

Jun-06 is rapidly approaching. LC is nowhere near potty trained. Because Mommy and Daddy are too scared to try it. We're just not sure if he's ready. And we're scared of traumatizing him and making his reflux/kidney worse. Postpone appt to Sep-06.

Sep-06. After a false start in Jul-06, we are now in full-blown potty training. He's making progress, but not ready for prime-time. Postpone appt again, this time to Dec-06.

Dec-06. Finally ready! LC is doing awesome with the potty training.

The actual appointment
1. Flow rate test
We tried to give LC lots to drink before the epic drive from suburb to downtown. Not enough apparently. LC's bladder isn't full enough to run the test. LC is not impressed with the nurse running the test, and starts full-on screaming when I explain to him that he needs to lie down so the nurse can take a picture of his insides. Not a good start. The nurse tells us to come back after his next test.

2. Renal ultrasound
Another floor, more waiting. Even though it's been a year, I still remember where to go, the rooms, most of the staff are the same too. Eventually, the very nice tech tells us that they don't have enough machines available right now, but if we want, we can go use the emergency room machine. Sure, we say, why not.

This tech is very, very nice. She talks calmly to LC, she tells him what she's going to do. LC is very cooperative, he lies down and is very calm. It's almost like he's in a trance. Now maybe he's just overwhelmed, I don't know. Because he's not screaming, I can watch. She scans the right kidney first. To my layperson eyes, it looks rather, well, kidney-ish. Then she moves to the left side. Takes her a while to find it. Then she does. Oh. Wow. What a differnce. This thing doesn't really look like a kidney, it's very small, darker than the other. So doesn't look like there is good news there.

The ultrasound tech tells us his bladder looks full. Good news for doing the flow rate test.

3. Flow rate test (attempt #2)
Try again. Nope, bladder still not full enough. Damn. Oh well, just have to skip that test this year. We all agree that the next test is more important.

4. VCUG.
This is not a fun test. This is the test where the insert a catheter up his penis through to the bladder, fill his bladder with radioactive fluid, and take a bunch of xrays, wait for his bladder to empty, and take more xrays.

He had this test done to confirm the VUR at 6 months old. That was hard. He screamed so much - because the catheter hurt and because he was being held down. Then he had a similar scan done at 18mos DMSA scan). Similar in that it involved being catheterized. The DMSA scan was the one that showed he had very little kidney function on the left side.

So the 2006 VCUG. Although Mr. Chili was with us, and was probably a wiser choice for the one parent/caregiver that is allowed in a treatment room, you know, him not being pregnant and all, I was adamant that I had to be the one there. I don't know why I felt I had to be there. I think I felt it was a Mom-thing. It had to be me. Plus I think sitting in the waiting room listening to LC cry and scream would be even worse. Mr. Chili, being the awesome guy that he is, stepped back and let me go. Then the tech came out, saw my belly, and said officially I shouldn't go in there, but she understood that I needed/wanted to be there, and said if I was okay with the risk of fetal exposure to radiation, they would double the lead gowns and let me in. (The risk to the fetus is highest in the first tri, I was well into the third tri.)

I carried LC in, sat him on the table. They wrapped one lead apron around my belly, then put a second lead full gown on me. I could barely move. Then we laid LC down on the xray table and I started trying to keep him calm. No dice. I had to hold his arms up over his head so that he didn't a) contaminate the sterile field and b) yank out the catheter. It was pretty brutal. It's hard to gently thread a catheter up there, and especially hard when the patient is tense and screaming. Eventually they got it done. His bladder wouldn't empty completely, not a good thing since there was radioactive dye in there, but it wasn't worth prolonging the trauma.

LC was exhausted afterwards. I carried him out, we got him dressed and I just held him for a long time. When he'd recovered, we headed down to the cafeteria for lunch. We asked LC what he wanted after surviving his last test. The answer was, "Sushi!". Awesome. Gotta love that kid. He ate a bunch of sushi, drank lots and started to recover.

5. Appt with urologist
My mom came to the hospital for this so that she could watch LC while Mr. Chili and I talked to the doctor. You could tell LC wasn't himself because he sat in my mom's lap and watched Treehouse TV like a zombie the entire time we were talking to the doctor.

I was relieved when a resident walked in. This is because I've learned, at least at this hospital, when the head of the dept or staff dr shows up, it's probably bad news. If it's the resident, then it's routine stuff. And it was!

Because LC hasn't had any breakthrough infections since the inital infection, and because his left kidney has just enough function to make it worth keeping (around 15% for those of you playing at home), the treatment plan is to....do nothing!

Well, okay, something. But no surgery. Continue w/antibiotics, continue monitoring for infection. Come back in a year. If still no infections, he'll be four, and after age four, the risk of infections drops dramatically in VUR kids. (I'm not exactly sure why. I assume it's due to just growing - the ureters are longer, so even if there is still reflux, it's less likely to cause an infection.) And LC still has bad reflux on his left side, but not severe. And it's probably not going away. Holy change of speed. Mr. Chili and I had whiplash - this was so different for what we had been prepared for. And such a relief!

The next day, my arms were sore. Deep muscle sore. Like I had worked out. Then I realized it was from being tense, holding LC down and the weight of the lead gown.

There was fallout from the VCUG for LC. Peeing hurt for a couple of days and he totally regressed. He withheld big-time. We did our best to be gentle and patient and he did recover within about a week.

Note: We did prep LC for the procedures, as much as we could. My mom found this awesome book which we read many, many times.

I also asked what to do about the new baby. VUR does run in siblings. And there is no way I am willing to take the chance of having another baby get so sick and be so miserable for months while we figure out it's chronic bladder infection and that the baby has badly damaged one kidney. So the resident recommended that within a month of the baby's arrival, we get ourselves down to the hospital for some tests - minimum of a renal ultrasound. If it's a boy, we'll also need a VCUG. (Boys are more likely to get sicker from VCUG.) I am not eager to subject a baby to these tests. But I cannot go through what we went through with LC again. The doctor said it's very unlikely that this baby will have the same health issues. But he agreed we couldn't take the risk. And since LC was sick within a few months of birth, we need to do this soon after the baby's birth.

I feel good about this. I think it's the right thing to do. Even though it's not gonna be fun.

And I'm still relieved and happy that LC doesn't need surgery!

Oh the joys of being laid off & pregnant!

2007-01-26T14:06:00.000-05:00

Hah!

Okay, disclaimer: I recognize that I am very lucky. I am in a good position. I do still get to take up to 12 months off after I have this baby*. And I will find another job - I'm young enough and employable enough. Yes, everything will work out. I get that. Really.

Back to being ungrateful.

This sucks. Let me list the ways:
1a. My severance is being paid out while I am on mat leave. This will mess up my mat leave payments and I will lose out on almost half of my entitled employment insurance payments. (And I should get it, darnit, I paid into the EI system for years!)

1b. The purpose of severance is to provide a salary while you look for a job. Great. So it really makes sense to collect my severance while I am at home with a newborn. Because I'm really going to hit the job search hard and bring my infant with me to job interviews. NOT!!! My severance pay should be paid out when my leave is complete.

2. I will have a year-long gap in my resume. Yes, I can explain why, but that means I have say 1) I was laid off (not such a bad thing) and 2) I was on mat leave. Telling them I was on mat leave really sucks. It's none of their business that I was on mat leave. Telling them I was on mat leave means that I'm telling them I have at least one child. And because I am a woman, if they are stereotyping (and so many people do, myself included), they will assume that means I will be off more if my child is sick. It introduces an entire topic that has no bearing on my ability to do the job.

3. Part-time work.
When I returned to work after my mat leave with LC, I was able to come back 4 days a week for 16 months. It was a fantastic balance of work/home. I was very happy with the arrangement. Unfortunately it did end after 16 months, but man, what a difference that 16 months made. The odds of me being able to find a similar arrangement with a brand-new employer with whom I have established zero credibility? Very, very slim.

4. I actually like(d) my job.
I liked working for my current employer. I liked the variety, challenges, etc of my job. I was good at it. I like the people. I find myself tearing up a lot as I say goodbye to colleagues and begin packing up. This sucks.

And that's enough whining. It's not even Wednesday...

* Very grateful to live in Canada, where we get up to 52 weeks of maternity/parental leave. Very, very civilized. Humane, even. Unlike other countries *cough* the U.S. *cough* where I have no idea how moms go back to work after just six or eight or maybe if you're luck twelve weeks.

Why yes, I am alive and I do still blog.

2007-01-24T17:21:00.000-05:00

At least in my head I do. Yeah, hi, sorry about that. It's not like anyone actually reads this thing anyways. (Not a plea for sympathy or readers, just stating the facts.) (And I'm okay with no one reading this. I think of it as cheap therapy.)

So much to blog, so little, uh, motivation? I have written so many blog updates in my head during showers or my drive to work. But never seem to write them down. Why? I'm not sure.

Just a placeholder until I write some updates on our exciting December. (Good news stuff - yeah!)

Things that make me laugh, pt 5

2007-01-24T14:22:00.000-05:00

Anecdote 1
My BIL tells me that the Saskatchewan pork marketing board came up with a genius marketing slogan a few years ago. He's a credible guy, so I'm inclined to believe him.

Picture this, if you will - a big billboard featuring a loving couple arm in arm. The slogan reads, "Pork.
The one you love."

Seriously? Seriously.
Mr. Chili and I laughed so hard at this unintentionally hilarious billboard.

From a quick google search, it looks like occurred circa 2001. Found this pic via Flickr. (Thanks smiteme!) The Saskatchewan Pork Marketing board does exist. And many bloggers have blogged about it before me. Ah well. It's still funny!

Anecdote 2
In a week or so, Mr. Chili and I will be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary. Cool! For fun, I looked up the recommended ideas that the clever marketing people say I should give. (Did that make sense? No? Sorry.)
Traditional: Wood
Modern: Silverware

*snort* Did someone say wood? Mr. Chili and I - clearly immature, with pubescent senses of humour were laughing pretty hard about this one too. Poor Mr. Chili not getting much action these days, so the laughter was mixed with a tear or two on his part, I'm sure. I've promised him that if he presents me with some wood on our anniversary, I will do my best to appreciate it.

I really need to get over this

2006-11-23T18:26:00.000-05:00

I have issues about being pregnant while at work.

Weird statement? I think so. Let me try to explain. I am so very pleased to be pregnant. I am getting really excited about having another little one to love, nurture, etc. But at work, I am a professional - an engineer, a project manager, a leader. It feels strange to even acknowledge out loud that I am clearly pregnant. I don't know if my discomfort stems from the fact that being pregnant = having sex and that embarrasses me. I think it has more to do with the fact that being pregnant is such a very personal, intimate thing - I have this life growing inside me! - and yet at the same time, at 5.5 months along, it is also a very public thing.

I don't want to start conversations with, "Hey, I felt the baby kick just now." I don't want to talk about my personal life, much, with most people at work. I want to be a professional and taken seriously as such. If someone brings it up, like "Oh when are you due?" I'm happy to have a brief conversation and then move onto the real topic.

I feel really uncomfortable with the open stares at my belly. Why? I do the same to other pregnant women. Why am I so uncomfortable? Why am I such a hypocrite? I am not the first woman in my office to get pregnant. For pete's sake, this is the second time I've been pregnant at this job.

*sigh* I just wish I could be more comfortable and expressive about how joyous this pregnancy is. But it's like I have a mask on. A mask that I don't know how to take off.

Maybe it's because I had to hide my pregnancy for the first four plus months. I had applied for an internal transfer (obviously preferred to being laid off), and did not want the pregnancy to hurt my chances. Because even though the law says I can't be discriminated against, let's get real, shall we? Any employer looks at me, sees my belly, immediately says, "Ugh, she'll be off for a year, and then she'll be off all the time when the kid is sick. Let's hire that other guy instead"* & ** So maybe I'm just not comfortable being out of the pregnancy closet.

Anyhow, I'm tired of feeling all awkward and embarrassed about being pregnant while at work. I need to get over it already.

* Because we all know that the perception is that the woman does all the child-rearing and child-care duties, especially when kids are sick. Not. Well, at least not in my household. We swap depending on who has the more important stuff going on at work. Luckily too, LC is pretty healthy (aside from the wonky kidney and VUR stuff), and is rarely sick.

** To continue my rant, my perception is that when an employer sees a woman and knows (somehow although it shouldn't come up or matter) that she has kids, there's this instinctive bias against her, "Gosh, I wonder why she doesn't stay home with her kids." Or, "How much time off will she need to look after her kids." Whereas that same employer sees a man and knows he has kids, and thinks, "Wow. That guy has a family to provide for. What a great guy. We should pay him more."
Yeah, maybe not everyone thinks like that. But an awful lot of people do.

Things that make me laugh, pt 4

2006-11-23T05:25:00.000-05:00

Seen in a meeting invitation:

"Meeting agenda will be updated weakly. "

*snort*

I work in a place where for the majority, English is a second language. I really respect how hard it is to learn a second language, especially as an adult, especially English. Having said that, there are things that I read that just make me giggle. It's either that or get annoyed.

I am a picky about using proper spelling and grammar. I definitely have editorial instincts. (Although perhaps not with my own stuff.) I get frustrated by what people who are too lazy to run spell check - come on now, it's not that hard. No, it won't catch everything* but it will catch most typos. I don't find the grammar checking tools very useful, but I will run them when I'm sending out a major document for review. I get really annoyed when I can't understand what the person is trying to say, usually about a very technical issue, because the sentence is structured so poorly. Aaaaarrrrrggghh! I want to spend my time reviewing your document's content, not your form.

*Does anyone else find it funny that Blogger's spell check doesn't know the word "blog"?

P.S. I'm wondering how many errors there are in this post. I'm all self-conscious now.

P.P. S. And what the hell am I doing up at this hour? Again! I'm so self-destructive sometime. I was working before. Now it's 0230 EST. I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow. More exhausted than I already am. For goodness sakes - why am I working overtime for a company that doesn't even want me?

Memories: Good night, sweetheart

2006-11-22T19:20:00.000-05:00

While standing in Starbucks, I heard a version of "Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight".

(Picture credit)

I had to stop and listen. I smiled wistfully as I remembered my grandmother singing the song softly at bedtime, while rubbing my back. Way back when at my grandparent's house in Parsippany, NJ. I don't think she ever sang in public, but when it was just the two of us, she would sing to me and rub my back. Even when I was too old for it, if I asked nicely, she would still do it. Such sweet memories.

That song and whenever I am making one of my grandmother's recipes make me feel like her spirit is with me. It makes me feel connected to her.

I lived with my grandparents every summer from when I was six to twelve years old. I learned so much from both of them. How to make a fruit pie, how to shell peas, how to use a jigsaw, a lathe, how to make a plan and build something, how to do...so many things.

My grandmother died in 1999 after a long illness. I still miss her. At her funeral, I performed my most difficult solo (on the french horn) - I played "Amazing Grace" for her. So, so hard to play when you're crying.

Apparently the song is called, "Goodnight Sweetheart Goodnight". According to this source, "Originally performed by the 5 piece doo-wop group The Spaniels. Written in 1954, it was a #5 R&B hit Written by Calvin Carter and James (Pookie) Hudson (lead singer for The Spaniels). Re-released by The McGuire Sisters. Popularized in the 1970s by the group Sha Na Na, who used it to close their TV show each week." I'm sure the version my grandmother knew was the 1950's version by the McGuire Sisters.

It looks like she mostly sang the chorus to me, or at least that's what I remember. Here are the lyrics (from same source cited above):

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

Well it's three o'clock in the morning

Baby I just can't git right??

Well I hate to leave you baby,

Don't mean maybe,

Because I love you so.

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Oh goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

Mother, and your father

Don't like it if I stay here too long

One kiss in the dark,

And I'll be going,

You know I hate to go.

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you but I really must say,

Oh goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

PMP 2006 update

2006-11-13T00:31:00.000-05:00

Doesn't the subject make it sound exciting? Yeah, I know.

I'm actually embarrassed to admit that the PMBoK (Project Management Body of Knowledge), all 300 pages of it, is pretty interesting stuff. Yes, I am a geek.

I'm taking a prep course this week to help me prepare to write the exam. In preparation for the prep course (irony, yes?), I had to read the PMBoK. It's dry & dense. And of course, with Mr. Chili being out of town last week, me being sick and just general procrastination, I left it til the last minute. But I'm happy to report that I just finished reviewing the sucker. Yee haw.

Now I have to go to bed because I have to be up v. early tomorrow so that I can sit in traffic to get to this course. But it will all be worth it when I pass the exam in a few weeks. Right?

Oh please, please, please let me pass the exam.

~~~
Weekend update.
Mr. Chili made it home Friday night, after LC's bedtime. Fri night w/LC and mommy was miserable. He was missing daddy, I was very, very tired. And LC backslid so far on potty training I just didn't know what to make of it. Mon-Wed: 1 accident/day. Thu: 4 accidents, including a poop accident. Fri: lost count - 5 accidents. Unheard of. If it was indeed due to missing Mr. Chili, then I am very, very scared about how LC will respond to PB's birth.

Saturday I went to my prenatal yoga class. Bliss. LC and Mr. Chili ran errands (including groceries) and kept out of my hair so I could study. We had take-out sushi for dinner. Yum.

Sunday was more errands for LC and Mr. Chili so I could continue studying. Have I mentioned how awesome Mr. Chili is? Yep, he is.

~~~
Okay, really have to hit the hay. 'Night internets.

My rings don't fit - wah!

2006-11-10T05:35:00.000-05:00

A minor whine, definitely not worthy of Phantom's weekly whine-fest.

I have now gained enough weight that my rings are getting tight. I like my rings a little loose and have an irrational fear that they will get stuck on my fingers and I will have to have them cut off. Like I said, irrational.

In my pg with LC, I was pg through the summer and my fingers always swell in the summer, so between the swelling and excessive weight gain, I stopped wearing my rings around 5 months of pg.

Guess what? I am 5 months pg. I have not gained as much weight this time (only 10 pounds to date), but I started this pg 10 pounds heavier. So really, I've gained 20 pounds from pre-pg weight. And I was 10 pounds less than that when I got married. So my rings fit if I'm within 30 pounds of my wedding day, but not more. Reasonable, yes. But I am sad nonetheless that I won't be able to wear my wedding band, engagement ring and engineering ring for the next year or so.

Why a year? I have four months of pg left - and other than this whine - plan on thoroughly enjoying it. Based on my first pg, it will take me a while to start losing weight. And I lost very slowly, despite exclusively breastfeeding.

~~
P.S. I wonder if there is a correlation between my (relatively) excessive posting of late and Mr. Chili's absence? Stay tuned next week when he's home. And I'm in training all week with a long commute each day. I think I know what's next.

P.P.S. What the hell am I doing up at this hour???? Oh yeah, I fell asleep with LC at 2100. Then I woke up to pee at 0045 and realized I had to do his laundry. Why? Four accidents today, that's why. An unheard of number for LC. I'm pretty sure he was due for a BM but didn't want to do it school, that's why the three pee accidents. And the fourth was because I couldn't get the f'in potty seat installed quickly enough for someone doing the BM dance. Oh that mess was fun. And at a good friend's house. Fortunately she has kids and understands.

P.P.P.S. I like using the twenty-four hour style of time. It is consistent and unambiguous. Being the anal sort, this matters to me. I also like using a date format of dd-mmm-yy. I hate the U.S. convention of mm/dd/yy. Why the heck does the month go in front? How am I supposed to know if it's really mm/dd/yy or maybe dd/mm/yy (which is the Canadian/metric version).

Who knew so many things bother me at 0228? And on that note, I'm off to bed.

My 100 things

2006-11-09T18:47:00.000-05:00

I am so late to this game.
Often I can't believe that this is my (great) life.
I am so many things: a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an engineer, a....
I feel that becoming a mother has forced me to become a better person.
Not that I'm a great person now.
I was depressed through my first pregnancy but didn't realize it.
I was really depressed after my son was born. But I didn't realize how bad it was until 10 months later.
I worry that I will get post-partum depression again.
Watching my son sleep makes me so happy I almost cry.
It also helps me not want to strangle him after all the frustrating moments.
I work full-time outside the home.
I was happiest with my work-life balance when I was working part-time. That lasted 16 months. Then I was forced back to full-time hours.
Now they're laying me off.
It sucks.
But I'm so grateful to be pregnant again.
And scared.
Even if no one will hire me because I am pregnant.
I could stay home with my son & baby-to-be. If I wanted to badly enough to make the sacrifice. But I don't want to. I want to work part-time and be a mom full-time.
I think that makes me pretty selfish.
But I think realizing it makes me a happier and better mother.
I will stay home for the first year of PB's life.
We are damned lucky in Canada to get one year of maternal/parental leave.
My husband is an amazing man.
I try to tell him that every day.
Our son looks so much like him.
I wonder who this baby will look more like.
Everyone keeps asking me if we know "what we're having". A baby, duh!
Seriously, we don't want to know the gender.
My husband and I discovering together that we had a son was the second most amazing moment of my life.
The most amazing moment was when the midwife placed our son on my stomach and we watched this tiny, purplish thing take it's first breath.
I'm getting all teary writing this. Damn hormones.
My son was an unplanned homebirth.
It was *ahem* rather exciting.
The midwives arrived about 20 minutes before my son did.
I was holding off pushing.
He could have been born without the midwives at all.
My labour was officially termed precipitous.
From water breaking to birth was 4 hours.
I am scared of what that means for this pregnancy.
Rule of thumb is half the time.
That means two hours.
Holy shit.
We are planning a home birth this time.
My household consists of one husband, one 3 year old, one dog and one cat.
We started with the cat. Gradual progression of responsibility, we thought.
Then we got the dog. A wonderful, very high energy, needy dog. We didn't have a fucking clue what we were getting into.
Then I gave birth to our son. It was clear that if we thought we were in over our heads with the dog, the baby was going to do us in.
But we managed. And now we're thriving.
I had the most fun at my wedding. It was a great day.
Our honeymoon in Australia was even better.
And totally worth the debt.
Many of our friends don't have mortgages. They're 30-something and have already paid for their large houses.
We do have a mortgage.
I'm okay with that.
Most of the time.
I breastfed my son for 2.5 years.
I am incredibly proud of this fact.
I am truly what they call a "lactivist" or a "nipple nazi". And I'm proud of it.
Breastfeeding was the best tool in my parenting toolbox.
Extended nursing is an amazing gift.
Even if you do have to endure all the looks and questions, "Are you still breastfeeding??!!"
It's pretty incredible that I nursed my son at all.
He did not latch for the first six weeks of his life.
I was attached to a pump or getting him to nurse every moment of every day.
I loathe my breast pump.
But he did latch.
I am a cliche for everything that could possibly have gone wrong with breastfeeding.
I had a breast reduction eight years before my son was born. The reducation caused supply problems.
I do not regreat the breast reduction despite the problems.
I try really hard not to regret anything. It's a waste of energy.
I am fucking stubborn.
When my son wouldn't latch, I worked with a lactation consultant and Dr. Jack Newman and cried and agonized.
I took a lot of Domperidone for my supply.
It helped. A lot.
I exclusively breastfed. No formula.
I am scared that this baby won't latch either.
But I am a different person now.
I had chronic, toe-clenching, screaming pain every time my son nursed for the first 10 months of my son's life.
My husband was amazingly supportive even though he hated to see me in so much pain.
The pain was caused by chronic thrush.
It took many treatments but I finally got rid of it.
Don't take an iron supplement post-partum if you are prone to yeast/thrush.
I am an engineer and project manager.
I am pretty good at these things.
I was genetically pre-disposed to be a project manager.
My sister, mother and grandfather all share the same list-making, organizational, anal tendencies.
I also play the french horn.
I haven't played in three years.
I can't find time to be a mom, work, run and play music.
I will play again.
I also run. Not fast, but I run.
I have run one marathon and four half-marathons.
Running is the best therapy for me, it helped my depression.
I am addicted to Starbucks Soy Chais. No water, please.
It is an expensive habit.
But it makes me so happy.
All I need is a book and a chai and I am happy.
Or at least I can escape.
I am very blessed.
I try to remember and be grateful for it every day.

Sorry for the swearing. It's a coping mechanism. And it feels kinda good. So did writing this list. I'll have to update it after PB is born. :)

Update: Apologies for anyone reading on bloglines. This is at least the third edit I've made. I don't usually edit that much because I usually proofread carefully. Today? Not so much.

Thank goodness it's Thursday.

2006-11-09T11:54:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know that's not the original expression. But really, it applies. Only one more day til Mr. Chili is home. Mr. Chili left town on Tuesday morning for a business trip. LC is very attached to fun daddy. Very, very attached. Which I am a-okay with* because it was all about me for the first two years of LC's life. Sound the trumpets, because Mr. Chili is going to be home...tomorrow! And I am going to work from home tomorrow so I can do my conference calls while mopping the floor and not have to commute and rush to do drop-off and pickup.

There is a pattern to how LC responds to Mr. Chili's absences.

First day

Fussier than usual. Hair trigger on the meltdowns.
The dog is whinier too.
I feel harried as I try to adjust to doing all myself. Makes me realize how very wonderful Mr. Chili is.
We talk to daddy on the phone. The guys have a really good conversation. It's very cute to observe. (Love the speaker phone feature on our cordless - it works really well.)

Second, third, etc. day

New normal. We have all adjusted. The dog is whining less. The cat, well, who knows what the cat notices.
It's just my buddy LC and me. Fewer tantrums. Less fussy. We make dinner together, we read stories together, we talk to daddy on the phone. Only the conversation is shorter. LC just isn't as interested in talking to fun daddy.
When LC asks about daddy - especially when he's whining in the morning that he misses daddy - I tell him that daddy will be home soon (luckily he doesn't call me on when "soon" is). I tell him that I miss daddy too.

Last day

To keep us both going, I start telling LC that daddy is coming home tomorrow. Very exciting. I only say this when I am absolutely positive that Mr. Chili is in transit and will make it home. I do not want to deal with a disappointed toddler.
Usually it's Friday. To get us out of the house and reward us for surviving, we head to McD's and have dinner, followed by some fun time at Playland. Then *fingers crossed* fun daddy is home before bedtime. And le voila - we have survived another week without daddy.

I am exhausted by the time Mr. Chili gets home. I never go to bed early enough on a good night, and when I have to do all the household stuff, plus catch up on some work, and am pregnant, I just end up exhausted by Friday. Man, am I a whiner!

* Okay, I do get a little jealous of how important daddy is and wish that I didn't get so cruelly rejected by LC. I mean it hurts when a three year old tells you to "go away". No matter that it's not rational. Sometimes I feel like this is preparation for the first time a teenage (or ten year old?) LC tells me he hates me. 'Cause that is gonna happen.

Normal tantrums?

2006-11-08T01:51:00.000-05:00

At the tender age of three, LC has entered a new era of tantrums. We thought the screaming-kicking-crying episodes between ages two and three were fun. Hah! In the past few months, we have witnessed new heights (depths?) to his tantrums. Is it normal for a three year old to have such - I hesitate to say it - rage? I believe the triggers are:

tired
stressed
coming down with something/sick

Normal stuff. I mean, who isn't more prone to a fit of pique when they're tired?
What disturbs me is the range of behaviour we see and how violent he is. He will kick, pinch, pull hair, hit, if you are within range. Sometimes he will lunge after you. This is accompanied by screaming/crying/wailing/sobbing at tremendous volume.

If the conditions are right (wrong), he has such a hair trigger that it's really, really hard to avoid setting him off. And frankly, hey, I'm the adult and he's the kid. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around my kid, afraid that he's going to have a tantrum.

Getting him out of the tantrum takes some combination of 1) patience, 2) distraction, 3) a cuddle/hug - but only if he's calm enough.

Mr. Chili left for a business trip today. LC is very, very attached to his daddy (after two years of all me). Mr. Chili did the drop-off today and told LC that he was going away for a couple of days, that he would be back and that he loved LC. So when I went to pick up LC - and Daddy usually does pick up, I was prepared for some upset. What I got was a lovely, cooperative little boy who saw me, yelled, "Mommy!", gave me a huge hug, picked up his lunch bag, got his coat (and the wet clothing from the one accident today), put away his work, said good-bye to his teacher and then came over to the doorway, where I was waiting. As is his routine, he opened his lunch bag looking for a snack and a drink. He pulled out the glass bottle of fruit punch leftover from his hot lunch. He asked me to open it. I replied that I couldn't right now because it was glass and might break, but that I would be happy to open it as soon as we got home. This was not acceptable. He started wailing right there.

I did not cave. I stayed crouched down, kept talking calmly. I helped him put on this coat, he tried to hit me. I knew it was coming, so I calmly said, "no hitting" and kept trying to get him moving. After he refused to move, and was disturbing everyone in the classroom, I semi-dragged him out to the hallway. Where he lay prostrate on the floor, crying, screaming. I let him go for a bit, crouched down next to him, calmly telling him it was okay, we would have the fruit punch soon. Not working. One of the teachers came out to the hallway to see what the commotion was about. LC kicked off his shoes, kept crying and screaming. I was starting to lose patience. I had to hold him down to get his shoes on, and then I picked up all the stuff and carried him out of school. He kicked a bit, but seemed to be past the violent stage of the tantrum (very short stage - this time). I set him down on the stairs outside. He calmed a bit outside - change of scene, I guess - and I took the opportunity to give hug him and tell him it was okay. By this point, the topic of screaming had moved from fruit punch to missing daddy, wanting daddy, etc. So I hugged him and told him I missed daddy too, and that we would talk to daddy on the phone tonight, etc.

I carried him to the car and he was marginally calmer. Alas, it did not stay that way. As soon as his butt hit the car seat, he started screaming and crying louder than before. It was honestly deafening. And I could not reason with him. I just gritted my teeth and drove home as quickly as I could. I could almost laugh as I got out of the car (silence), opened the hatch to get my stuff (screaming), shut the hatch (silence), opened the door to get his stuff (screaming), etc. Dumped our stuff inside, then came and got him. I carried him inside, and he kept screaming and carrying on.

Surprisingly, I remained fairly calm through this. I sat him on the stairs, tried to take off his coat and shoes, was rejected. Went to the kitchen, fed the cat and dog. LC threw a couple of things towards the kitchen -not much ammunition, fortunately, and then started playing with his coat zipper. He loves practicing doing up his own coat. That calmed him down. I checked on him a few times and eventually, he came to see what I was doing. He helped me prepare a quick dinner (cheese omelette and toast) and we had a very civilized dinner.

Maybe this isn't the best example of how violent and intense these tantrums can be. But man, I just hope this is "normal". Some kind of normal. I don't know. LC is an amazing kid. And I tell myself that this is a normal developmental stage. Feelings are intense when you're that age. Right? It's that I'm disturbed by how violent he can be - trying to lash out and hurt Mr. Chili and me. Mostly me. When he gets like that, we carry him to the stairs, but he won't stay put. So we just keep repeating that he needs to stay on the stairs until he is calm. It takes a while. A long, long while sometimes.

If anyone is reading this, care to tell me that this is normal? Or on the spectrum of normal? Any feedback is appreciated.

Mind in the Gutter/Things that Make me Laugh, Part 3

2006-11-06T17:01:00.000-05:00

Item 1
Recently seen on the back of a dump truck:

"Everyone needs a good dump"

Seriously. The truck was owned by Osmar Hauling, based in Ontario. I couldn't find a web listing for these folks, but I swear I'm not making it up!

[On a TMI sidenote, if only they knew how true that statement is and how cruel pregnancy constipation is....]

Item 2

A few months ago, I was stopped behind a car that was from Michigan. The car was sold by - I shit you not -

Krapohl* Ford Lincoln Mercury

Really. Okay, please tell me I'm not the only one who find that funny! These guys exist - I had to look them up.

*No offense meant to anyone with the surname of Krapohl. I'm sure it is an honorable and worthy name. I'm just immature and it makes me giggle.

Notes from LC's fourth Halloween

2006-11-01T10:38:00.000-05:00

Some bullets of Halloween:

I can't believe this was LC's fourth Halloween.
In 2003, he was only a few weeks old his first year, and I dressed him up as a chili pepper. He looked so cute. He slept the whole evening. Mr. Chili and I just stared at him, still in that new-parent daze. We visited our neighbours across the street to show off our little chili pepper. (No, no correlation at all between my nom de blog and LC's costume. Why do you ask?)
In 2004, he was a green dinosaur with purple spikes. Costume provided by Nana from Land's End. He was very cute in the costume and happily toddled/crawled around. I think we carried him over to visit the same neighbour.
In 2005, I purchased a far too expensive lion costume for LC. And he flat out refused to wear it. Didn't want anything to do with trick or treating. So he stayed home, cranky, while Mr. Chili and I took turns handing out candy.
This year: LC had a choice between the notorious lion costume or a fire fighter. Each time we asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween, he would answer differently. We heard: elephant, pumpkin, flamingo, etc. Eventually given a choice between lion and fire fighter, he chose fire fighter. The lion loses again. He made a darned cute fire fighter.
2006 trick or treating? 1 house. LC happily held daddy's hand, crossed the street and visited the same neighbours. He got one tiny bag of chips and one mini chocolate bar. He was pretty pleased with himself. Then he wanted to come home. He spent the rest of the night sitting on

More bullets of Halloween:

Pumpkin carving was fun this year. We bought three, and LC had fun "helping" daddy scoop out the insides. We actually made some pretty good looking jack o' lanterns. Will post pics if I ever get them off the camera.
We live in a trick or treat dead zone. Even fewer trick or treaters this year. For some reason, our neighbourhood has lots of kids, but is sparse in trick or treaters. Lots of leftover candy. Very bad for me. I have already eaten far too much of it. Blurgh.
Manners. Most trick or treaters actually had good manners this year. As opposed to previous years, where the trick or treaters (older kids/teens) just stood there, sullen, not bothering to say "trick or treat" or "please" or "thank you", the kids this year said all those things. There were a few kids that I thought were too old, but not as many as last year.
Not really about Halloween, but fun daddy took LC up for a bath, I handed out candy, and then I took over the going-to-sleep duties. LC was out cold by 8:15pm. Awesome!
Also not really about Halloween. I submitted my application to the PMI. I hope to hear back by Mon 6-Nov that my application has been approved so I can schedule my exam. Yeah me!

NoPoBloMo?

2006-11-01T10:32:00.000-05:00

Not so much here. I can't seem to post once a week, let alone every day. Plus I have a major exam to study for over the next month. (Going for my professional project manager certification. It'll help in the job search. I hope.)

So I'm doing my own version of NoBloPoMo. I vow to post at least five times this month. So that averages out to slightly more than once a week. I always have things I want to talk about. I just don't make the time to talk about them!

There. I feel better now.

Anyone got a site counter that doesn't install spyware?

2006-10-06T14:47:00.000-04:00

I'm looking for a site counter. Nothing fancy. My requirements are:

Doesn't install spyware when I access the site or install the site. (Maybe my firewall settings are too strict, but I've found that tracksky, sitemeter and statcounter all throw up "this site is blocked" in IE*.)
Simple counting of how many visitors from what domain
How users found my site (search terms)

That's about it. I think. Did I mention I'm new to all this?

Let me know if you have any recommendations. Thanks!

*Yes, part of the problem is that I'm using IE. I know, I know. I need to get with the times and use Firefox. Haven't had time or energy to make the switch.

Blog Roll updated

2006-10-06T11:23:00.000-04:00

I have observed the controversy about advertising on blog, whether blogs rolls are good and bad, etc. I don't feel particularly political, so I have decided:
1) no advertising (no one reads this anyways)
2) I will keep a blogroll

I've learned that I am reading way too many blogs. And commenting on virtually none. I should really flip that ratio - read fewer, comment more.

Still to come - updating medical blogs. (I enjoy reading about medical stuff and am always looking for new stuff about nephrology, VUR, etc.) See here and here for why this is of interest to me.

I didn't realize I was that boring!

2006-10-03T14:27:00.000-04:00

Then again, look at the title of this blog....

Found at Jody's Raising WEG, Nancy's Blog Pourri and others. (Hope I'm giving proper credit/linkage. I'm still new to the blogosphere and not up on all the etiquette.)

You've Changed 20% in 10 Years

You've hardly changed in ten years, from your lifestyle to those very retro clothes.
And unless you were really ahead of your time, you probably need to acquaint yourself with the modern world!

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

Funny, because I feel like I have changed a lot in 10 years. I'm going to cheat and look at the past 11 years:

1995: graduate from Big University
1995: start first post-degree job, meet Mr. Chili

1996: after being friends for a long time and realizing I really like this guy, ask Mr. Chili out & start dating. Realize just a few months later that I really love this man.

1997: Mr. Chili asks me to move in with him

1998: receive my Professional Engineer designation (Oooooh - more letters after my name!)

1999: buy first new car together

2000: buy first house. (Way more stressful and scary than getting married.)

2001: Mr. Chili proposes

2002: get married (perfect ceremony & reception). Go to Australia for 3.5 weeks on our honeymoon - the most awesome trip ever.
2002: start trying to have a baby

2003: get the best birthday present ever - first positive pregnancy test. Cancel laparoscopy that was scheduled because it's been a year since we started*
2003: Little Chili is born. Most amazing moment of my life. A year of depression, pain and "challenges" begins.

2004: Back to work, part-time. Love it. Best of both worlds.

2005: Forced to resume full-time employment. :(

2006: LC stops nursing. We made it 2.5 years. This is (trust me) an amazing accomplishment.
2006: My employer of seven years announces that they are closing down the office I work in. I am out of a job.
2006: Decide that maybe, just maybe I want to have another baby. Experience the awesome shock of hitting the jackpot on only our second month trying.

* Small potatoes in terms of TTC duration. But it felt heart-breaking at the time. I classify myself as "sub-fertile", and Mr. Chili too. But that's another story for another time.

The train makes mommy cry

2006-09-22T18:16:00.000-04:00

(Yes, it has been far too long since my last post. I have been writing lots of posts in my head. And have a few drafts sitting that I should really publish.)

Today LC turned 3 years old. *insert cliche here* They're all true. I sit here and marvel at how much LC has grown and matured. He's by no means a big kid, he's still smaller than most of his peers, but he can do so much now, understand so much. When I'm not actively involved in whatever he's doing, I find myself staring at him in amazement.

I just got back from dropping LC and Mr. Chili off at the GO station (local commuter train in our area). LC and Mr. Chili are going on an adventure. They are going to a pre-season game to watch Mr. Chili's beloved Toronto Maple Leafs. We have season tickets* that have been in Mr. Chili's family for a couple of generations. They're great seats, not as good in the ACC as they were in the Gardens, but pretty good still. Bloody expensive too.

I pulled into the "kiss & go" parking area, Mr. Chili gathered up the diaper bag (loaded with lots of snacks and toys and spare clothes) and the stroller and unbuckled LC from his carseat. I got out of the car and kissed my guys good-bye. Told them to have a great time. Then I sat in the car and watched as Mr. Chili carried LC to the station doors. My eyes welled up, watching my big boys go off to a night of fun. I felt so many things: so proud of Mr. Chili for being such a great dad, so proud of LC for being so mature, sad that I wasn't going with them (and a bit jealous too), sad about LC not needing me as much anymore. Etc.

I know LC does need me. But not like he used to. And most days I'm grateful that daddy is not only a choice, but the preferred choice. The first two years of LC's life were very, uh, intense and demanding of me. He was very attached and I was a nursing/co-sleeping/etc momma. So I was the ne plus ultra of comfort. And I remember wishing that he would just leave me alone for a moment. And now that time has come and I'm a bit sad about it. Never satisfied, some might say... Or is it that we always want what we don't have. I don't know. I figure these feelings are okay, so long as I don't wallow in them.

What makes me feel better is realizing that I am going to get a chance to do those first two years (and more) all over again. I'm terrified and thrilled. I'm now 17 weeks pregnant. Pinto Bean (PB) is doing great. And in just a few short months, I'll get another shot (probably my last) at doing this all again.

I'm blessed.

* We sell most of them, they're so danged expensive.

What an interesting month, part 2

2006-07-25T09:57:00.000-04:00

29-Jun, evening
I've been aware all day that my period has not yet arrived. But it was late last month (by one stinking day) and I foolishly got excited, POAS got a BFN and my period promptly arrived two hours later. Hah! The universe is so funny.

While the big boss is droning on about how we're all losing our jobs, my mind is (semi-hysterically) thinking - man, wouldn't it be strange if I was pregnant now? Huh. Nah.

After Mr. Chili and I hashed out different scenarios for my future employment, I mentioned, oh so casually, that my period was late, just a day mind you, and that I was going to POAS in the morning. That would make my period show up!

30-Jun, 0600.
After a restless sleep, I find myself wide awake at 0600. Ugh. Not my favourite time to be awake. Especially since I was going to give myself the luxury of sleeping in that day. I mean, really, I was losing my job. Who cares if I come in at 0900 or 1000?

I lie in our bed, wide awake. And I know why I'm awake. The tantalizing possibility that I could be pregnant is in my brain, buzzing around. It's like the elephant in the room. Can't stop looking at it, thinking about it. So I quietly get out of bed, trying not to disturb Mr. Chili and LC. LC has had a restless night, the kind that really makes us wish that LC was ready for his own bed. Mr. Chili is sprawled out on his stomach, on top of the covers, in his boxers. So sexy and rumpled.

I quietly walk into the bathroom. Pull out the only pregnancy test I have. I decide to take it downstairs to the half bathroom. Don't have to worry about disturbing anyone. Even the cat and dog are still asleep. I bring the instructions. God knows why. It's not like pregnancy tests are uber-complicated. I pee on the stick. I have to watch. I watch my pee travel up the stick, and I stare unblinking at one and then two lines appear. No faint shadow of a line here, but a definite positive.

Holy shit.

Outwardly, I think I appear pretty calm. But inwardly, my mind is in turmoil. I am laughing at the universe's timing. I am grateful, so very, very grateful. I realize what a miracle this is. And I realize that if I wasn't pregnant now, we'd have to do the responsible thing and stop trying until I found a new job. And then wait until I was established in my new job. It could be a year or more. And that would suck even more. So I'll take my turmoil and uncertainty because it comes with a pregnancy.

I don't know how long I sat on the toilet. Eventually, I come upstairs, stick clutched in my hand. And I lie in bed, waiting until a more civilized hour to wake Mr. Chili. I don't even know how to tell him. I wonder if he'll be excited. I can't remember how he reacted when I was pg with LC. Just before 0700, I can't take it anymore. I walk over to his side of the bed, and I kiss his cheek. And I place the stick in his hand. He says he's been awake the whole time - that he heard me get up. He knew I was gone for a while and wondered if that meant good news. Other that a wow, he doesn't really react. And I am disappointed. That neither of us is jumping-up-and-down excited. I guess we're just not like that. And to be fair, we're both still in shock that I've lost my job.

Later on in the shower, I remember that Mr. Chili took a while to react last time too. This is normal.

We talk a bit in the morning over LC and during morning preparations for work and school. We decide that this is going to make one hell of a story. How often do you lose your job and find out you're pregnant in the same 24 hours?

So interweb, that's the big stuff. There's lots more to talk about - vacation, sickness, telling people, job searching while pregnant. I'll get to it. I'm sure you understand that things are very busy right now.

Not-so-strangely silent (aka What an Interesting Month)

2006-07-25T09:43:00.000-04:00

So interweb. How are you? It's been an interesting month since I last posted.

29-Jun:
At 3 o'clock in the afternoon, my employer announced that they are closing down the engineering center that employs me. Everyone is gone - 200 engineers and managers. Quite a shock. Some people are being "separated" (that's the term du jour, apparently) in September, most in December and a few in March. Holy shit. In some ways this news is a total shock. In hindsight, there were some warnings. None of which I should talk about here, since I do want to remain employed until my separation date.

The part that really sucks is that I like it here. I was really getting into the grove in my role, finding a lot of satisfaction in it. Felt like I was making a difference. An impact.

That night, Mr. Chili and I talked a lot. About different scenarios.

I guess the only good thing is that I updated my resume in April, so it didn't need much tweaking to be ready. I was considering the possibility of leaving my employer for another job, very interesting, very challenging. But that opportunity fizzled out, and I let it go. Like I said, I was really enjoying my job.

Now? After a month, I have regained some motivation and momentum. It took a while. It's hard to be motivated. It's hard not to think "fuck you". And "what are they going to do? Fire me?" But I'm pretty much over that and I want to finish things up and leave them in a good state.

The severance package really bites. It's so small that the message I'm getting is, "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out". It's disappointing, because my employer is usually a pretty classy. I know that past layoffs have had much better packages. So I have no incentive to stay for my package. I just want to get the hell out of here.

And then it got more complicated.

22-Jun Not-so-fitness journal

2006-06-22T16:17:00.000-04:00

Weight yesterday = 151.6 lbs.
Yes, that's right. I managed to gain back any minimal loss I might have had. In fact, yesterday I broke the previous record of 151.2lbs. Gah. I suck.

Weight today = 150.8lbs.
Better. I actually ate well yesterday and went for a run.

Okay. Time to come clean. I think the real (and so secret I don't want to admit it out loud) reason I haven't been dedicated to losing weight is that I want to get pregnant. Again. I am ready to have a second child. If you know me, you'll know that this is a mind-blowing revelation. Seriously. And it's not one that I can admit out loud. Well, that's not true. I did admit it to Mr. Chili a few months ago. And we started tentatively trying in May. Kind of trying-without-actually-admitting that we're trying. As in, I'm using the ovulation signs to time sex to give us a shot at hitting the egg. But given our history (trying to conceive LC was non-trivial. Although nowhere near what many, many others have gone through), I had no expectations that we would get lucky on the first shot.

So mentally, I am holding myself in limbo, thinking crap thoughts like, "No point in losing weight now because I'm hoping to be pregnant soon and I'll just gain it back."

That's just stupid. Because I know if I'm in better shape, I'll have a better pregnancy. G*d knows I cannot afford to gain 65 fu**ing pounds like last time.

And that's the truth. Now that I've admitted it out loud, maybe I'll be able to regain and maintain my focus? Let's hope so.

Not-so-Fitness Journal

2006-06-14T15:07:00.000-04:00

Where to start? I still weigh anywhere from 149-151 lbs. I haven't lost a bit. And I know why. I lack the drive and committement to change my eating habits and lifestyle to lose weight.

I feel:

Fat. The clothes that fit me last year don't.
Ugly. I just don't look as good as I could.
Frustrated. That it it within my power to lose these 8 or so pounds and I can't get my sh!t together to lose.
Apathetic. I look okay, kind of. But then I try on clothes in my closet that fit last summer. And they don't fit. And I feel like sh!t.

I have a million excuses.

I'm busy. Now that I'm working full-time, it's really tough to find time to exercise. And I have a toddler. Who I want to spend time with
I'm tired. See above.
I'm not motivated. I look okay. Kinda.
There's always an excuse to eat junk or just too much. BBQ at work, dinner at MILs, anniversary celebration with Mr. Chili, feeling blue, feeling happy.
...

I am annoyed with myself for not being more motivated. I know how to do this. I have done this before. The real pisser is that I was down to 140 (pre-pg weight) in April, 2005. What the f**k happened? I got plantar fasciitis, I stopped training so hard, but kept eating.

I'm a problem solver. So how do I solve this problem? I feel like an alcholic - I swear that I'm going to stop overeating & start exercising. And I do, for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days. Then I fall off the wagon. And it starts again.

How do I find the motivation to stay committed. I've toyed with the idea of joining WW. But I resist - I say, "it's only 8 pounds", "I can do this myself", "I've done this before". But it's not working. I'm not staying motivated and committed. Arrrrgggh!

I want to end this post with a committment to my body and my health. But I don't want to because I feel like I'll just break this promise too. I know I can do better. I just have to figure out how.

Mind in the Gutter, Part 2

2006-06-14T14:48:00.000-04:00

Continuing the journey into my strange little mind...

At the building where I work, we have a problem with Canada Geese

[Photo source: http://www.jacksonbottom.org]

They are big birds that like to nest in the middle of the parking lot. Not good for people or geese. In an effort to humanely discourage the geese from choosing this building's parking lot for nesting, the building management company has implemented a...wait for it....

GOOSE MANAGEMENT PROGRAM

Laughing yet? In my vocabulary, a goose is "pinch in the buttocks; 'he goosed the unsuspecting girl'" (source). So the first time I heard this, all I could think about was a management-sanctioned program that encourages us to pinch each other's asses. *snort*

The reality is it's a pretty cool program, that uses a fake coyote (moved strategically every day), lasers at night and a cannon at night, which all work to make the geese think that this is not a cool place to land. Much better than any other option of poisoning or hunting or...

What's wrong with having geese on the property? A few things:

Nesting geese are very agressive, and large sections of the parking lot have to be cordoned off, and parking is limited.
Geese and cars are a bad combination. (Last year, before the program was started, two geese were killed.)
Geese are messy, and leave poop everywhere

*goose* Hah.

Mind in the Gutter, Part 1

2006-05-25T01:45:00.000-04:00

Oh my, has it really been that long since I posted? Yep.

Two examples of my immature and dirty mind...blame it on the corrupting influcence of Mr. Chili. Blame it on being an engineer. Blame it on working with mostly male colleagues. Whatever. The point is that I often find immature, rude things very funny.

To wit:
Example 1
Name of company, seen on said company's van:

"Shat-r-proof Safety Glass"
What did hubby & I immediately think? *heh heh* Their name is Shat. As in past tense of Shit. Too funny.

'Kay, just looked for the company to prove it was real. They exist.

Example 2
Took an uber-geek course in Critical Chain project management. There was one term that had me giggling all day:
"Buffer penetration"
I'm sorry, but anyone who uses the word "penetration" seriously is going to make me laugh.

Knock Knock

2006-05-08T15:54:00.000-04:00

LC is trying to learn how to tell jokes. It's way cute. He learned about knock-knock jokes from a Backyardigans episode.

So here is LC's version:
LC: "Knock knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
LC: "Banana"
Me: "Banana who?"
Pause.
LC: "Horseradish!"

Mr. Chili and I just started laughing. LC was trying for the whole "orange you glad I didn't say banana?" knock knock joke. Pretty good for a first try! No idea where the horseradish reference came from...

tap tap

2006-05-04T15:12:00.000-04:00

Is anyone there?

No?

Well, then no one will have noticed my absence. I have been busy, consumed even, by many things. Some highlights:

1. Being a doula/mother bear/guardian/champion to a dear friend during the birth and post-partum. This is a dear friend who is wrestling with some major problems. It felt good to be able to help her this way.

2. Sorting out some troubles in the Chili household.
Mr. Chili said something alarming and disturbing to me on Saturday. It took until Tuesday to sort it out, but we are okay now.

3. LC's burgeoning temper
Major tantrums which sap everything sometimes...my spirit, my patience, my optimism.

4. Work.
Sucks. 'Nuf said.

Will endeavour to write more detail about these later. Especially #1.

Chili.

21 Apr Fitness Journal

2006-04-22T01:49:00.000-04:00

Weight = 149.6 (-2.2 lbs)

Pathetic, really. I've been at this for how many weeks and lost a lousy two pounds? Yeah, I'm really working this. I have a friend who is two inches taller than me and is nine months pregnant, and weighs only 155lbs right now. Yes, that's only 6 pounds more than me and she's about to give birth. In fact, I bet when she leaves the hospital, she'll weigh less than me. How much do I suck?????

And yet, I stopped at Starbucks for breakfast. Makes tons of sense. *sigh*

B SB tall soy chai
B SB breakfast cookie. (pretty fatty, in hindsight. Not getting that again)
L organic cheddar
L 5 low salt stoned wheat thins
L 1T peanut butter
L Healthy Choice low-fat choc pudding
S 1 pack rockets
S handful of yogurt-covered raisins
S diet pepsi
?
D 4 PC chicken nuggets
D McCain low fat oven french fries
D plum sauce (for dipping, natch!)
? can't remember what else...

Wicked caffiene withdrawl headache...felt like my eyeballs were shaking in my head, brain was jittery. Very unpleasant sensation. I didn't think my caffiene consumption was out of hand, but maybe I need to cut back?

A placeholder

2006-04-21T18:43:00.000-04:00

So I have other stuff to say beyond how much I still weight and what I'm eating. Really. I have all these ideas and about four draft posts. And I will get at least one published this weekend. Promise!

Chili.

20 Apr Fitness Journal

2006-04-21T01:57:00.000-04:00

I'll be so glad when Mr. Chili gets home on Fri night. I'm so frickin tired. Somewhat self-inflicted, since I haven't been able to make myself go to bed lately. Just in denial, feeling not quite right. Sore throat is gone, thank goodness, but still tired and icky feeling. At least my cat-scratched face is healing. Man, I still can't get over how I had blood running down my face. Scared the crap outta me when I finally saw my face. All that stuff about head wounds bleeding a lot? True.

Weight - dunno. Less than 21st, I think.

B lg tea w/m&s
B detour bar
S jeneusse yogurt
S thinaddictives cookies
L leftover hamburger
L 1 sl whole wheat baguette
L 2 apple newtons
D fusili w/bolognese sauce & parm cheese
D org greens w/balsamic dressing
D 1/2 gl red wine
S thinaddictives cookies
S decaf tea w/m&s

19 Apr Fitness Journal

2006-04-20T03:19:00.000-04:00

Pretty good day nutritionally, until this evening. *sigh* Still struggling with this cold and Mr. Chili is away on business. And LC has decided that bedtime should be much, much later.

Wish I could have run, but between the cold and Mr. Chili's trip, I just didn't have it in me.

Weight = 148.4 (-3.4lbs)

B detour bar
B large tea w/m&s
B jeunesse yogurt
S thinaddictives cookies
L leftover turkey stew w/cheddar cheese
S quaker choc chip granola bar
D salad w/balsamic dressing
D homemade hamburger w/ketchup
D 1/2 gl red wine
D 6 small breadsticks
S decaf orange pekoe tea w/m&s
S 5 chocolate sandwich cookies <-- and that's where I blew it.

18 Apr Fitness Journal

2006-04-19T11:10:00.000-04:00

Fighting off a cold. Okay but blah day at work. Then home for dinner, feeling like crap due to the cold. But rather than be useless at home, and short with LC, went to the mall to buy tons of stuff. Bought 3 baby gifts, 3 sibling gifts, 1 mom gift, 1 stepmom birthday gift, summer hat for LC, sale pants & pjs, nice Clinique for Men stuff for Mr. Chili. Really wanted to get shoes for me, but of course, couldn't find any. Then, like an idiot, I stayed up until 3:30am. Worked some, but mostly just in denial-land and didn't want to go to bed. Not my finest hour. Why do I do this?????

Weight = 149.8 (-2lbs) Ugh. F*ck. Gained back 1.6 lbs. That’s what eating crap will do for ya.

B detour bar
B TH lge steeped tea w/m&s
S jeunesse yogurt
S 2 apple newtons
L leftover turkey stew
S cheddar mini rice cakes (100cals)
D selection of cheeses (org marble cheddar, emmenthal, parmesan, gruyere) & 4 stoned wheat thins. (my current favourite easy dinner)
S Timothys med chai w/soy
??

Easter in the Chili household

2006-04-18T11:32:00.000-04:00

*warning* boring post ahead!

Easter weekend….
Great time, busy weekend.

Friday
Relaxing morning, I went for a run. Then we headed out for a playdate with friends. The kids played well together, it was just a bummer that it rained all day. My friends were kind enough to invite us to share lunch with them, so LC & I enjoyed some French toast and fresh fruit.

Quiet pizza dinner, ran out for a quick Starbucks (they closed at 7pm – bastards, the nerve of them celebrating a holiday), then read in my car. Just didn’t want to go home, wanted a break from life. Wanted Mr. Chili to put LC down. Sometimes, I just need a break, kwim? So I sat in my car and read the fifth Harry Potter book. I’ve had it for ages, but haven’t had the time to crack the cover. I’m quite enjoying it, although I don’t know when I’ll have the chance again to read it.

Saturday
Busy day. With stores closed on Friday and Sunday, today was the shopping day. So I got up early, and hit Loblaws at 0830, Costco at 1000. Now Loblaws was relatively quiet because I was early – yeah me! Costco, on the other hand, had only opened half an hour prior and was in full chaos mode. But the sad part is that I enjoyed myself. I had no husband and no LC getting impatient. So I just zenned my way through the crowds, spending money like there was no tomorrow… Quite enjoyable, really. After I was done shopping, I hustled home, put away the groceries, then headed out to the Rouge Rive park to meet the boys. Mr. Chili, LC and our dog, Cosmo were at a beautiful conservation area nearby, and had met up with friends of ours (with their Great Dane). The kids and dogs were having a great time. They had already been there for two hours, and LC had walked a tremendous amount. I brought snacks for the kids. Cheesestrings all around! And water and raisins and apple newtons. All favourite snacks in our household. LC and our friend’s daughter sat on a log and munched away, looking adorable.

After that, Mr. Chili took LC in one car, on a mission to get LC to sleep. We knew he was tired after all that walking. But did he sleep? Nope. Not for quite a while. Meantime, I stopped and picked Mr. Chili and I up some lunch. I got exactly two bites in my mouth before Mr. Chili pulled into the driveway, frustrated because LC was still awake. So I took over and drove until LC fell asleep. Unfortunately he only had a short nap, waking up 45 minutes later. After he woke up, I carried him in the house and we just chilled on the couch, as he was obviously still tired.

We headed out again in the afternoon, stopping at a local cycle shop to look at trikes. We bought LC and cute red tricycle and a shiny new bell for it. He actually wasn’t all that enthused at the bike shop – kept wanting to look at the big bikes. We figure (hope?) that he’ll become more interested in his trike as time goes on. After the exciting trike purchase, we headed to my mom’s for easter dinner. It was yummy and LC surprised us by eating a ton of food – the ate asparagus (grilled, then drizzled with olive oil and parmesan cheese), mashed potatoes, peas, lamb, milk. Wow. Had a good time at my parents, except for their dysfunctional arging and tension, which the kids & spouses all just kind of laugh off now.

[Which does raise two points. 1) why the hell do I get my kid to sleep driving and 2) I think he might be close to giving up his nap. Nooooooooooooo!]

Sunday
Mr. Chili had some work to do (from home, thank goodness). Grandma Lois came to visit and we had the best time because we....did the first annual O'Grady easter egg hunt. [Say egg hunt five time. Nasty, eh?] On Saturday night, Mr. Chili and I filled about 20 eggs - with goldfish crackers, rasins, pretzels, yogurt covered pretzels, and yes, some candy - jellybeans, smarties and gummy bears**. We also hid a new set of green matchbox firetrucks. And the piece de resistance, was the new Backyardigans DVD that I bought. It was a lot of fun. Took LC a little while to catch on, but he did. And we helped him a lot - attention span isn't that long, you know.

After the egg hunt, we headed downtown-ish and met friends for lunch. LC was incredibly, unbelieveably well behaved. He sat for at least an hour. Ate coleslaw, tried a chicken wing, wasn't a big fan, ate some of his deep fried mac & cheese wedges (don't ask, it is as disgusting as you might think), and was generally cute. This from the kid who won't sit in a restaurant for more than five minutes ususally. Have no idea what happened, but it was pretty awesome.

After lunch, we headed to the gelato place up the street, which was closed to a fluke. So I settled (heh) for a SB chai. We headed over to a local school w/new playground equipment. LC had the best time, running around, going down the slide, etc. We had a good time chatting with our frineds we hadn't seen in months.

Now you'd think LC would be tired after this, right? Well, he was. But did he want to sleep, not so much. He only napped for 45 minutes. Please oh please don't tell me he's dropping his nap!!!!

Good dinner, fun bath and then bedtime. Which is now taking an hour plus. Another trend which I hope doesn't last.

** LC loved the gummy bears. Seems to be universal amongst kids. Why? The texture kinda creeps me out. Hmph.

14-17 Apr Fitness Journal

2006-04-17T22:07:00.000-04:00

Playing catch up...haven't written since the 13th and it's the 18th. Ugh.

Mon 17-Apr
Really, an incredibly poor day nutritionally. Just feeling ill, eating for all the wrong reasons. The scale is really starting to head up. I had best get my fucking act together.

B decaf or pekoe tea w/m&s
B detour bar
S jeunesse yogurt
S goldfish crackers, pretzel kind
S 2 apple newtons
S handful smarties (yes, stealing from my son's Easter candy)
L leftover broccoli soup w/half multigrain bagel w/margarine (late lunch)
L 9 mini fake chocolate eggs (!!!!)
D turkey stew
D 1 gl white wine
D 2 packs of tiny rocket candy
D few chocolate teddy grahams
S SB tall soy chai
S SB half nanaimo bar (yeah, really didn't need that!)

Sun 16-Apr
Exercise: did manage to run today. 6.5km. Good run. Too bad it was only my second of the week.

B 1 sl raisin toast
B TH XL steeped tea w/m&s
B too much of my son's easter candy - jellybeans, smarties, etc. (!!!)
L Duff's famous wings - about six honey garlic (tasty and deep fried. yum. yuck.)
L some potato wedges. (didn't go crazy and eat too many)
L coleslaw
L SB tall chai w/soy
S quaker cheddar mini cheddar rice cakes (100cal)
D homemade cream of brocoli soup (reasonably healthy)
D bit of white wine
D dessert brought from neighhbours - sampler of lemon meringue pic, strawberry mousse, fruit salad. Tasty, but very bad.
S mini Laura Secord buttercream egg (like tiny, but still bad)

Sat 15-Apr
does anyone care?
Lowlights: ate too much of LC's easter candy.

Fri 14-Apr
Exercise: ran 5km

B detour bar
S teddy grahams cookies
L tropicana orange/strawberry/banana juice
L 2 sl whole wheat french toast
L fresh fruit (pineapple, melon, strawberries) w/crappy chocolate dip
S TH steeped tea w/2m,1s
S 1 svg cheezits
S few jellybeans
D 2 sl thin crust pizza w/sundried tomatoes and proscuitto
D SB tall soy chai
S glayva (yum)

13-Apr Fitness Journal

2006-04-13T11:10:00.000-04:00

Day 18

Had a great sleep last night. Was so tired after being up til 4am the night before (for no good reason), that I went to bed w/LC. We were both asleep by 9pm, and I barely woke up when Mr. Chili got home. Too bad LC is back to only sleeping for 10 hours. I wish he would sleep longer...oh well! I'm happy with a good 10 hour stretch, believe me!

Weight = 148.2 (-3.6 lbs)

Up a bit today, but still down overall. Yes! I can do this! (Well, except for what I've eaten today...that might bugger it all up.)

B TH L steeped tea, 2m, 1s
B detour bar
S yogurt
S quaker salsa & sour cream rice cakes (100cal, 4g fat)
S thinaddictives cookies (3g fat)
L Subway sweet onion terriyaki 6" on whole wheat
L diet coke
L SB chai soy tall
S Doritos, sm. bag, pepperjack flavour (260cal, 113g fat) <-- why oh why did I eat these? What a stupid pointless waste of calories. I know better!
S 5 mini fake chocolate easter eggs
D 1/2 toasted cheese sandwich (1 sl wh wheat bread, organic cheddar cheese, bit of margarine, toasted under the broiler)
D tomato & parmesan soup (PC brand)
D Belaggios gelato, chocolate & banana (yum!)

Got a call from friends asking if we wanted to meet w/kids for gelato at a local Italian place. Mr. Chili didn't want to go, so LC and I went. I've never been to this place - it was great! I asked LC what he wanted but he just clammed right up. So I got my favourite chocolate and banana combo. (Ate that all over Europe when I did my solo euro-trip.) LC is clearly not a sweets person, because he declined to have any except for the tiniest bit of banana. Is it a coincidence that LC then didn't want to go to sleep? Mr. Chili started trying to get him to sleep at 8:45pm, it took until 9:50pm. Ugh!

12-Apr Fitness Journal

2006-04-13T03:14:00.000-04:00

Day 17

Weight = 147.4 (-4.4lbs)
I'm sure that the weight is just a fluke. But man, it feels good to see that number going down, down, down. I'm getting to the point where I can get into the jeans that I had to abandon because I gained so much weight. Yeah, 10 pounds doesn't seem like that much, when you're rationalizing, but it is. I hate that none of my post-partum clothes that I worked so hard to fit in stopped fitting. (Did that make sense? Not really. Oh well.)

A good day, but I was so tired by the end of the day. And this stuff with LC's school is really stressing me out.

B detour bar
B TH steeped tea w/2m, 1s
L leftover fusili w/bolognese sauce & parm cheese
L thinaddictives cookies
S 1/2 bag cheddar rice cakes (50 cal)
D flemmish beef stew (eating well recipe, crockpot, not bad)
D 1 sl Ace bakery whole wheat baguette
D decaf orange pekoe tea w/m&s
D 2 chocolate thin wafers

11-Apr Fitness Journal

2006-04-12T13:41:00.000-04:00

Day 16

A good night last night. LC slept in his own bed most of the night! Slow progress, which is just fine with me.

Weight = 148.4 (-3.4 lbs)

B detour bar
B TH stepped tea, 2m, 1s
S Neilsen yogurt, vanilla
L organic cheddar and 5 stoned wheat thins crackers
L 2 apple newtons
S apple
S 4 mini chocolate eggs (crap chocolate, but hey, I ate them anyways.)
D fusili w/bolognese sauce
D salad w/balsamic dressing
S SB tall chai soy
S nature bar

Did not need to eat entire nature bar. Felt full afterwards, not a sensation I like anymore. Was starving by the time I went to bed, though. Which was a 4am. What a fucking idiot I am. Really. So Mr. Chili kindly did the entire morning routine and let me sleep in. I slept in until 1000 - ugh. Didn't get to work until 1100. Double ugh.

Parenting choices or "Chili invites flaming & controversy to her blog"

2006-04-11T18:33:00.000-04:00

I figure since I'm blogging in a vacuum, why not air out my parenting style and leave myself open to attack. This topic comes courtesy of Dooce, who recently posted on her CIO approach and received some astronomical number of comments - like 475! Most were pretty civilized and there were the requiste number of whackjobs who say inflamatory things, followed by the people who get offended, followed by - oh, you get the idea.

Preface:
If you had told me I was going to parent this way before I had LC I woulda thought you were smoking crack. Seriously. I thought this stuff was freaky-deeky, granola, hippy shit.

So let me lay out how we parent.
1. extended breastfeeding
2.5 years. (See previous post.)
Yes, breastfeeding is more than nourishment. It is a way of parenting. It's bloody hard work sometimes. And it forces you to be more attached to your child. At least if you breastfeed the way that I do. And the way I believe is best for the child's health & development.

2. co-sleeping
Gasp! Yes, we co-sleep. So many reasons why:
a) At the beginning, when LC wouldn't latch, and I was desparately using the pump to build up my supply, we co-slept because the goddess of a lactation specialist that we found said it would help. (Will cite the studies later.) And we love it.
b) Mr. Chili is the biggest proponent of co-sleeping because even after he was away from LC all day, he could kiss him and watch him sleep.
c) We never had to worry about SIDS - he was right there. And when he was sick, he was right there.
d) When I went back to work, LC was 11 months old and still a pretty frequent nurser. While at daycare, he had finger food and a sippy of water. We nursed on demand when I was around. And his demand increased dramatically during the night - from once a nice to three or four. Co-sleeping saved me. If I had to get up and get him each time, I would have lost my mind. Instead, I rolled over, pulled up my shirt, he latched on and we both slept. Amazing.

2.5. We don't do CIO.
Honestly, I sometimes wish I could/did. There have been many moments, especially when my post-partum depression was so bad that I felt completely consumed by it, where I so desparately wanted to put him down and walk away. But ultimately, Mr. Chili and I just couldn't do it. So we cuddle, console, nurse of demand, etc. And you know what? LC sleeps pretty damned well. Usually 10 hours straight. And a 2 hour nap. Which is a-okay in my books for a 2.5 year old.

3. I believe in Barbara Coloroso's book "Kids are Worth It!".
I believe in natural consequences. I try really hard to be a backbone parent. I know that Mr. Chili and I both tend towards jellyfish, so we have to work at it. But her parenting philosophy is right on.

4. I cloth diapered for the first year, then switched to disposable.
Daycare wouldn't take disposable.

5. *the most controversial of all?* I work away from home. My son is in daycare.
I was off for 11 months. Then I worked part-time (4 days/week) for 16 months. Now I work full-time. Would really prefer to work part-time, but hey, this is what I've got for now.
Yes, I feel guilty for paying someone to raise my kid. But for many reasons, this is the right choice for us.

I'll add to this as I come up with anything else I do that is (quasi/semi) controversial. Flame away!

How did I get here?

2006-04-11T03:37:00.000-04:00

We had a hectic weekend that was a lot of fun. So much going on in the Chili household. And I have at least four draft posts that I haven't published yet. Hard to find time to finish them.

Friday I worked from home. Did actual work, and also did three loads of laundry, ran the Roomba and treated myself to a Wendys salad for lunch. It was a yucky day - poured all day. Mr. Chili graciously did both drop-off and pick-up. Unfortunately I didn't quite finish up my work before they made it home, so I worked a bit more through the evening.

Saturday was a busy day filled with running, dog walking in the park - where LC walked more than he's ever walked before (!), grocery shopping, trying to get LC to nap in the car (only semi-successful), house cleaning, more laundry, etc. All of this domestic stuff is somehow more fun than it used to be. Don't get me wrong, I don't like cleaning, but it's satisfying, and it's fun (most of the time) to do these things with LC. After LC went to bed, I worked on my CV. Emailed it to my sister Sunday morning (she works in HR/recruiting) to get her feedback.

Sunday was a quick run, showering, more cleaning, and meal prep. We had a great visit with Mr. Chili's sister, brother and mother. I love them all. I didn't get as much time to visit as I would have liked to visit because I was in the kitchen. But hey, it's all good.

It feels so strange to be the adult sometimes. How did I get to be the mom? I'm the one in the kitchen making the meal. I'm the hostess. It's so surreal! Reminds me of that Talking Heads song, "Once in a Lifetime":

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
Wife
And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?

Random moments of cuteness

2006-04-11T02:01:00.000-04:00

This morning I was checking my email at the dining room table before I left for work. And I remembered that I had some short video clips LC's uncle took of LC at the fabulous kids' haircutting place. So I asked him if he wanted to see. He hopped down from his chair and started to walk around the table. I pointed to the cord for my laptop's power supply and said to him, "Watch the cord!"

So he stopped and watched it.

*snort*

My little literalist. I said to watch it, so he did.

Moment-by-moment replay:
*tick* I realized that he was following my instructions.
*tick* I tried not to laugh.
*tick* I took him by the hand and explained that I meant "Don't trip over the cord." He walked around and we watched the video clips.

Damn, he's cute!

10-Apr Fitness Journal

2006-04-11T01:56:00.000-04:00

Day 15

Almost felt hungover this morning. Still tired from all the running around this weekend (literally & figuratively).

Weight = 150.4 (-1.4 lbs)
Ugh - bad trend in the weight area. Mostly it's because I ate too much, ate when I wasn't hungry. AF might not be helping either, but I really don't think that's a valid excuse.

B TH steeped tea w/2m, 1s
B detour bar
S yogurt
S 1 double chocolate cookie (so tasty but so bad!) (60 cal, 3g ea)
L leftover roast beast, mashed pot, carrots, gravy
L 2 double chocolate cookies (so tasty but so bad!) (60 cal, 3g ea)
S ?
D 4 ribs w/garlic glaze. Pretty fatty. (MIL made)
D sm svg potato salad
D sm svg coleslaw
S last creme caramel (man, that was tasty!)